AIBU?

[takenforgrantednana]

so i have put my foot down on the notice for babysitting the grand kids, but the sticking point has been i have said i require "at least 7 days notice" so lets be 100% clear on this ok, if i am asked to collect the kids on monday 1 nov and i require at least 7 days notice, when is the cut off for asking me about it?

i say its on the sunday but hubby refuses point blank to accept that and says im pedantic about it, my reasoning is that over time i know how this will be pushed and pushed until im being given 3 days notice if im lucky

I've read your other post too @takenforgrantednana and posted on it too.

As for getting out and making friends (so that you're less available to your daughter and can't be called at a moments notice), why don't you approach the WI in your area and ask if they would consider running a day time session in whatever they run sessions on? See if there is a way to start day time sessions.
When you use your age as a reason not to go to a coffee morning, I think you're cutting your nose off. Go. Sit. Have your coffee. Just do it there, instead of a Costa or similar. Everyone is getting older so having some young blood in the group will give it a new lease of life.
When you use your embroidery machine as a reason why you can't join a 'Stitch & Bitch" club (that could be for knitting or sewing), you could do smaller embroidery on a wooden stretcher wheel to get you started in a group. Make it portable.
Can you or would you be interested in joining a choir? Could you or would you be interested in helping out in your local church (could be done after services/mass is concluded). Do flower arranging for them?
If there isn't anything, go to your local library and find out if they have any books or even some information on how someone goes about setting up a club (book/sewing/whatever) so that you can run it on your terms and then get those notices out in the newsagents/supermarket/locality FB page.

All these people suggesting Zumba and choirs literally have no idea what COPD is…

Why dont you just say no if you're not available? Why the need for a deadline?

Why not just cut out the middleman and say no to anymore childcare?

If we are going by the original question, it would be the 25th. But your daughter has no boundaries, doesn't care about you and nor does your husband. Stop caring about them.

Hi OP. Lots of people are not understanding why you are insisting on 7 days notice for picking your grandchildren up from school. I pick my granddaughter up from school 3 times per week. In my case though I know my DDIL schedule a year in advance so I always know what days to keep free , giving me the chance to book my car in for an MOT etc knowing it won't clash with school pick up . Some days my DS can leave work early and surprises me with a phone call telling me I'm off duty and that he will be getting her . The best thing though is knowing in advance when I have to be prepared to go for her . I'd hate it if I was only let know at short notice.
People are also saying to you just stop being the babysitter, but in that case you won't see your grandchildren at all because you're not allowed to see them at the weekend because that's Family Time . That in itself is odd . Are you not family ?
As well as picking up DGD in the week , they also visit me of a weekend because, guess what?, I'm also part of the family .
I agree with others that you should get shut of your husband but realise it's something that takes great strength to start over and understand it is easier to do with a support network around you . You don't have the strength and the support at the moment which why PP are encouraging you to meet people via book club , sewing club or computer classes . This is a way to make friends and gain the strength to change your future.
I would start by going to your local library to check their notice board for computer classes or book clubs etc .

@winnieanddaisy

Hi OP. Lots of people are not understanding why you are insisting on 7 days notice for picking your grandchildren up from school. I pick my granddaughter up from school 3 times per week. In my case though I know my DDIL schedule a year in advance so I always know what days to keep free , giving me the chance to book my car in for an MOT etc knowing it won't clash with school pick up . Some days my DS can leave work early and surprises me with a phone call telling me I'm off duty and that he will be getting her . The best thing though is knowing in advance when I have to be prepared to go for her . I'd hate it if I was only let know at short notice. People are also saying to you just stop being the babysitter, but in that case you won't see your grandchildren at all because you're not allowed to see them at the weekend because that's Family Time . That in itself is odd . Are you not family ? As well as picking up DGD in the week , they also visit me of a weekend because, guess what?, I'm also part of the family . I agree with others that you should get shut of your husband but realise it's something that takes great strength to start over and understand it is easier to do with a support network around you . You don't have the strength and the support at the moment which why PP are encouraging you to meet people via book club , sewing club or computer classes . This is a way to make friends and gain the strength to change your future. I would start by going to your local library to check their notice board for computer classes or book clubs etc .

im insisting because she changes the days i have the kids, with little to no notice, i have times where i have gone to bed on a sunday night and she has texted asking for me to take the kids to school! on the monday morning meaning i have to be at there house for 8 am and the only reason i have known is because my husband has got up and seen my phone. its that sort of thing she does regularly its got to stop, she knows her shifts at work weeks in advance

family time means daughter , her husband and the 2 kids.

they never visit on a weekend, their father has only once collected the kids from us this year, yet he gets home from work an hr and half before my daughter does!

@takenforgrantednana OP you are still refusing to acknowledge all of PP’s point that it is up to YOU whether you do what she wants or not. You keep saying that your daughter needs to stop with the last minute requests - but you can’t make her stop. But you CAN stop complying! This is why people aren’t understanding the 7-day thing. Why not do the more obvious thing and just say no, sorry, can’t, it’s too short notice? Instead of getting annoyed that she is behaving…like she is.

[quote queenmeadhbh]@takenforgrantednana OP you are still refusing to acknowledge all of PP’s point that it is up to YOU whether you do what she wants or not. You keep saying that your daughter needs to stop with the last minute requests - but you can’t make her stop. But you CAN stop complying! This is why people aren’t understanding the 7-day thing. Why not do the more obvious thing and just say no, sorry, can’t, it’s too short notice? Instead of getting annoyed that she is behaving…like she is.[/quote]
i have said no, countless times - the problem being is that daughter is contacting via her father and regardless of what i say to him he is not telling her i said no and why, he thinks im in the wrong by sticking to my guns of the at least 7 days notice, they have been messaging each other all afternoon to try and sort something out for the oct holidays and what started out as being the mon/tues whic h i said ok to, but has now changed to be the sat/sunday overnight! so its not at least 7 days notice and neither of them can understand why i say no! i feel like im banging my head on a brick wall, or am i really speaking chineese?

You sound like my MIL - makes us feel like we aren’t wanted!

@Mamaof2males if you behave the way the ops daughter is then you probably aren't!

@DysmalRadius no I don’t act this way, I rarely ask for support, I can see it from both sides that’s all.

@Justilou1

All these people suggesting Zumba and choirs literally have no idea what COPD is…

I agree that these were not possible for OP.

It was only me not 'all these people'. I did suggested British Heart Foundation and COPD as an avenue to talk or meet people not run a marathon. Maybe help in other ways on a subject that was quite literally close to her heart and also make friends.

I also posted a Facebook page for her chosen hobby of Machine Embroidery and Sewing. But OP didn;t reply to that.

Sometimes however much you try and signpost someone does not really want to be helped at all. Just bloody hard work.

I don't think the cut off for the 7 day notice is your issue - it's you saying no to your daughter, and your husband saying yes!

Live your life, make plans etc, no waiting around - if your daughter makes a last minute request and you're busy, so be it - no childcare. This is how you will show her to give more notice, not quibbling over when the cut off for 7 days is.

The other alternative is to say you're happy to provide x amount of days but need x rest days.

And then start saying no which is the heart of what is required really.

I think if you're free next Sat/Sunday your DH probably can't see why it would be an issue and why the 7 exact days 'notice' is a necessity (I must admit I'm wondering the same).

The overnight is different, are you ok with that?

I think it's fine to say 'Saturday, Sunday I'm free so let's book that in - I can't help the rest of the week though' if you don't want to.

Of course if you don't want to help at all ever again - also fine!

I don't think you are well enough to take on any child care OP. Put yourself first for once.

Bloody hell OP I feel so sorry for you. Your DH is cruel and emotionally abusive, your DD is a nasty little pisstaker and even your DGC don’t respect you ( no wonder with those two as role models). And they all treat you so badly knowing that you are very ill too! I would go on bloody strike altogether if I were you. I would also put every effort I could into finding a life for myself outside of my family. You NEED a friend OP, someone you can sound off to, have a laugh with, share a bottle of wine with. I fear for your mental health if you don’t find an outlet away from that family of yours, quite frankly.

@PinkSyCo

Bloody hell OP I feel so sorry for you. Your DH is cruel and emotionally abusive, your DD is a nasty little pisstaker and even your DGC don’t respect you ( no wonder with those two as role models). And they all treat you so badly knowing that you are very ill too! I would go on bloody strike altogether if I were you. I would also put every effort I could into finding a life for myself outside of my family. You NEED a friend OP, someone you can sound off to, have a laugh with, share a bottle of wine with. I fear for your mental health if you don’t find an outlet away from that family of yours, quite frankly.

maybe i do need a friend, but i can find hens teeth easier people just seem to go out their way to stay away from me for whatever reason, maybe i have a sign on my head saying avoid? one that i cant see in the mirror but everyone else can read? i just feel like a total fraud that takes up to much space in this world that serves little to no purpose and worthy of a headstone saying totally fucking useless

i ust feel like a total fraud that takes up to much space in this world that serves little to no purpose and worthy of a headstone saying totally fucking useless

That is really sad to read, but no wonder you’re so down on yourself when the people who are supposed to love you the most are so horrible to you!

I wonder also if maybe you might be suffering with depression?

@Notaroadrunner

If you are the grandmother who has posted before as you have had issue with your dd giving you little notice, then I'd just stop altogether and let her and her Dh sort alternative childcare.

If you are someone else then, imo, the previous Monday is 7 days notice.

Either This.

Or

I can cover xyz and nothing else

While I believe that your reasons for not wanting to look after the kids are entirely reasonable and genuine, and your DH & DD are selfish and entirely lacking in empathy, you do come across as a matyr here. Nobody can change things for you other than you. Nobody is going to speak up other than you. You seriously need to grow a voice or leave.

If you're asked on a Sunday at 9pm to pick up on a Monday night I'd wonder if plans had changed.
You don't have to hang round waiting to see if you're needed.
If you can't do it or don't want to just say No.

They'll probably stop asking soon anyway.

Having read your other thread I feel for you OP

My mum is a godsend, she picks my DS up 2 set days a week and we talk and are flexible to each other should we need to be. But her plans will always take priority in my eyes, she never lets me down though. Having said that we spend a lot of social time together so she is not just an unpaid babysitter x

OP your last post is really sad to read, please listen to the people on here who are encouraging you to get some emotional support. You are not being treated well by your family members and it sounds like years of this has taken its toll on your emotional and mental health. Life doesn’t need to be like this but you need to try and open up to some of the suggestions here and reach out for some help for yourself. The childcare stuff here is not the main issue, it’s just masking it just now. You would benefit so much from seeking some help. Breathingspace is a good organisation to start with. Xx

OP - what have you said to your daughter about this? Have you ever actually sat her down and told how you're struggling with your health and these last minute requests for childcare are leaving you exhausted and stressed? Does she understand this? I think you need to sit both your daughter and husband down and have a real heart to heart about how this is affecting you. If they still don't change their ways then they're really not caring about well-being. There are so many other options available to your daughter. All my family and all of my husband's family live hundreds of miles away so we've never had anyone to look after the kids, drop them at school etc. We just make it work - breakfast club, after school club, a child minder, asking friends to help for one off emergencies. That kind of thing. You are not the only person in the world who can help your daughter with child care. She needs to realise that.