AIBU?

[takenforgrantednana]

so i have put my foot down on the notice for babysitting the grand kids, but the sticking point has been i have said i require "at least 7 days notice" so lets be 100% clear on this ok, if i am asked to collect the kids on monday 1 nov and i require at least 7 days notice, when is the cut off for asking me about it?

i say its on the sunday but hubby refuses point blank to accept that and says im pedantic about it, my reasoning is that over time i know how this will be pushed and pushed until im being given 3 days notice if im lucky

Wow. Notice? I'd drop everything instantly to look after my Grandson 😱

@Middleagedspreadisreal

Really? After you have already told your child, "Tell me your schedule when you get your shifts so I can plan my week."
And they consistently get their shifts a week in advance, dont bother to tell you and then ask the day before/the morning of the required childcare? Even though they've known for a week that they needed you, you've told them to let you know when they get their shifts and they simply choose not to bother and instead just do it all last minute?

We're not talking emergency here, or change of work shifts or sick kid who cant go to nursery. We're talking about a daughter who gets her shifts, knows her mum wants to be able to plan around the childcare but still doesnt bother to actually pass the shifts on and just waits until the day she needs the childcare before she asks.

Yes. I would.
Your sound like you've got a communication problem there though.

well how about because she is the kids mum? im not! im just a nana“

She’s your daughter.

And “the kids” are your grandchildren.

@MrsSkylerWhite

well how about because she is the kids mum? im not! im just a nana“

She’s your daughter.

Yes quite. @takenforgrantednana the issue in question isn’t her, and your, relationship to the children, which would make “the mother” and “nana” relevant.

What this thread and your previous thread are fundamentally about is your relationship with your daughter. Which is why PP find it so jarring that you are referring to your daughter as “the mum” - because it is obscuring your direct relationship to her.

But why does that matter? It seems clear to me that the mother/daughter relationship has been supplanted by the OP's role as nana - her daughter doesn't seem to want a relationship beyond providing childcare, relegating the OP to the status of grandmother only. The OP's language reflects that fracture, but she's been clear that this situation is about her daughter, so why insist that she use your preferred terminology rather than her own?

I'd ditch the notice period but live your life.

When you have to refuse due to having made your own plans, mum will be quick enough to give you plenty of notice then

This is really weird.

So if you're asked ti help ob Monday morning instead of Sunday night, you won't help?

They're your grandchildren! You're being really unkind.

Life happens. People can't always plan things 7 days ahead.

Don't complain when you're never asked to help with or see them. You sound really hostile. If I were mum i wouldn't ask you ever again and would assume you're not interested in seeing them either.

look why get so hung up on how i describe the relationships between us all? there are 3 generations here ok,

me = nana
daughter = mum
daughters kids = grandkids

it becomes easier when talking making things as clear as possible who the hell i am talking about when making that distinction

non of this is about how i feel about the grand kids, its not their fault at all, but no matter what i do it will always be reflected that i have some problem with them, which i really dont! for the past 7 years my whole life has revolved around those kids! so dont tell me i dont care about them because you are well out of order.

all im asking for is that i get a bit of thought and care, because as the kids get older and have more interests ((naturally happens) and their mums needs on me also needs sorting out if she still wants me to look after the kids is the respect and care and appreciation to ask in advance so i can try to have some sort of life, a grown up life, the life i see other women of my age having, the one i have been unable to do.

as parents to my daughter, right from when she was a toddler we have failed miserably with her, she was always a demanding child, never had any patience and would demand what she wanted all the time, kicking off badly, because i was working away from home during that time, her nana was looking after her, and would give her everything she asked for even tho i tried as hard as i could to instruct daughter to learn, i.e. i was over ruled by her dad and her nana, so my daughter is constantly on the go, never settles at all, things change all the time, shes never happy with what shes got and always wants more bigger better longer etc. its like living in a whirlwind when shes around, to the point of when she walks out the house and you close the door and you stand their in shellshock and BREATHE! and your like what the hell just happened then, kinda feeling.

well i really cant live like that esp now with my health problems, my blood pressure is between 180-200! i have difficulty in getting my breath, i have difficulty in getting enough sleep due to feeling like im being choked, im constantly tired, my legs from the knees down are swollen up like balloons and im in so much pain its hard to walk

yet some of you still think i should just carry on as before and drop everything at a moments notice to look after the grandkids? for their sakes and mine things have got to change or they wont have me in their lives at all, unless you want them looking at a nice little plaque on a urn! because doing my best for her kids is going to kill me if i carry on the way my daughter is demanding of me

Could she let you know on Saturday evenings evenings what is needed for the complete week so your calendar is filled in then and you can see how your week is looking. So a once a week conversation

Hi there Nana, sending you some solidarity and some 💐.

Your life does not sound very happy on any front: your marriage is unpleasant at best and miserable at worst, your daughter only sees you for what is useful to her ,your health is very compromised and you are lonely and bored.

I would start with your health, have you googled your health conditions and got as much information about them as possible? Are there things you can do to improve your blood pressure that are not drug related? I don’t know anything about your conditions as I have auto immune disorders, but I do know that what I’ve learned online has massively helped to reduce my symptoms. For example I have rheumatoid arthritis and I removed dairy from my diet and 90% of my pain went with it (and a stone in weight). Feeling so ill every day is so debilitating in itself. You are only 57 , I think if your health was better you would feel stronger to protect yourself.
The thing about all these groups that people are suggesting is that they are often quite dull, but you go to get yourself out of the house. If you are lucky there will be one or two people there to chat to. They might not ever become friends but they will be friendly faces and it sounds like you could do with a few of them.
If your daughter will not give you a week’s notice, maybe give her the days you are available. I do Monday and Weds, the rest is not my problem.
I hope things improve for you, you sound very worn down with it all.

I honestly think you have written yourself out of your own family story @takenforgrantednana. Nobody is paying any attention to you as a person or your health needs either. You’re very unwell. Have you sat everyone down and explained in small words that you are in fact suffering from a chronic health condition and you are actually dying? Have you told them that as much as you love seeing your grandkids, you can’t look after them anymore? Not only that, but you don’t WANT to?
If you can’t run up and down stairs, your BP is that high, you have an extremely high risk of stroke and shouldn’t be left in charge of kids at all. (What would THEY do if you had a stroke?)

You need to call a family meeting with your husband, daughter and son in law and spell things out very clearly. You need to say “As you know, I have COPD and Heart Failure. None of you seem to have understood what this means. They are both progressive, life-limiting diseases. I’m going to have to spell this out for you. This means that they’re going to continue to get worse and I am dying. I love the grandkids, but I literally can’t look after them anymore. I can’t walk up and down the stairs anymore. I crawl on my hands and knees. I am worried that I will have a stroke or heart attack while they are in my care and nobody will know for hours. You all need to arrange other childcare as soon as possible.

Now that simply deals with the practical side of the childcare. The emotional side is the fact that nobody seems to give a shit about you apart from how you serve them. That’s a dynamic you need to deal with later I think. If you bring it all up together, I think nothing will get resolved. You need to remind them that you exist as a human as well, but you need to work out how exactly for yourself first. Maybe join the library once you’re no longer babysitting. Start saying no to DH and DD. If he volunteers your time, make him do it.

Could you switch it around? Text her a week in advance and let her know when you are available, and when you are busy? Get her to agree to that, and then when she says ‘mum could you just….’ Say, ‘oh no love sorry - that’s when I’ve got my singing/drawing/Zumba class- remember I told you?’

So you’ve identified that your daughter lacked boundaries as a child so of course she still lacks boundaries and struggles with routine and stability as an adult. Unless she sees things that way that will only change if you start demanding better, and it sounds like you’re going to need to be in a stronger place than you are at the moment to do this (as doesn’t sound like you have the support of other family members, ie DH). Which is why people are suggesting things to start putting yourself first, things that will support your health and mental health, these suggestions are being made because they are the things that will help you to start take back control of your own life, rather than you being walked all over by others. Ignore the comments suggesting you should drop everything for your grandkids, I’ve read the other post and that would be a wholly unhealthy situation for everyone, not just you. You need to consider how to look after yourself and do positive things for you, you won’t be able to look after anyone if you don’t. 🌺

I wouldn't ask you if you were my parent/inlaw. Sounds like you just don't want to do it. Sometimes people don't get 7 days notice, if I needed a doctor because I was unwell I wouldn't get 7 days notice. They are your grandkids, not a business transaction

I understand the 7 day notice period - it's because you feel taken advantage of and want to put a boundary in place. That's fine. However, I don't think it's very workable. There may be occasions when you get only one day's notice but you're free the to help and want to. I'd just live your life as you want to and help when you want to. If you get one hour's notice and want to help then do it. If you get 2 weeks notice and think you won't want to help on that particular day then say you're busy. Just help when you want to and can. There's no need to set the 7 day rule which is quite inflexible.

Its your rule so you decide

Obvs

@takenforgrantednana
As others have said it really is as simple/difficult as saying no.
You don't have to have any other hobbies, be out of the house or anything else.
Start your decorating project if your daughter contacts you, say no! No excuses just no, I can't.
When your husband is going to pick up your grandchildren do not go to the school to make sure he is there. If the school ring you because no one collects them you can go there late. Unless you start pushing back your husband and daughter will continue to treat you like shit.
You have a serious health condition and need to look after yourself.
You said you used to work before, is there any chance you could get a work from home position for some hours? I really think you need to build a fund so that you can get away from your husband if necessary. Or speak to the council or woman's aid. You need help.

If you can do it short notice fine. If you can't. Also fine. . My daughter also texts me the night before to say can you take the children to school... if I can I do. If I can't I can't.

Switch it. Text her on the Saturday/Sunday I'm free xxxx and xxxx day this week if you would like to me watch the kids let me know by the end of today otherwise I'll make other places.

Have you ever watched motherland nana? You have to be like the nan on there and just refuse anything that doesn't suit you.

Once again, previous thread, which some posters need to read.

school runs/babysitting taken for granted http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4359413-school-runs-babysitting-taken-for-granted

I dont have grandkids but im amazed how some of my friends kids use them as unpaid baby sitters and expect them to hsve no life of their own.So i do sympathise.i worked with girla who expected their mums to to give up their jobs so they could become unpaid child minders,whilst the girls continued to work,even though at my firm they could have transferred to evening work.

So no you are not being unreasonable.

@takenforgrantednana

"She will also argue when you’re ill" you havent already read my previous post then? ive been ill for the last 12 months, i have copd and heart failure!

You are NOT being unreasonable. I haven't read your previous thread but where ppl are saying it is nitpicking between 7 or 8 days it is clearly just the impact of being driven to the end of your tether. I have three kids, no grandparents provide any of our regular childcare but they do very kindlh babysit for us on occasion, if it suits them and we don't ask if we know they are ill or in the case of my MIL when she had a knee replacement we still obviously visited but would never have asked her to do pickups or anythjng that would have been difficult, your daughter is not considering you in this equation at all. Our kids are OUR kids, we chose to have them and it is up to us to sort out childcare. It is NOT. ok for you to be feeling like you can't do anything in case your grandkids need picked up, you also have a right to a life!. Have you spoken to your daughter about this aspect? I am much more one for having discussions in person so if she genuinely won't hear you out when it "comes up" I would either ask to go for a coffee or a walk or something so you can talk about it, away from your H and kids being around etc. This is going to end up ruining your relationship with her and the grandkids and everyone loses out. I really feel for you this sounds awful.

I don’t know the background but you do sound nit picking. Can’t you just say you need plenty of notice otherwise you have to cancel your own things, Or agree a weekly or regular day, However if you keep giving ultimatum type statements you are in danger of not being asked. The children will grow up quickly and you won’t be asked at all then.
Perhaps you don’t see it as building a strong bond with the children.