AIBU?

[takenforgrantednana]

so i have put my foot down on the notice for babysitting the grand kids, but the sticking point has been i have said i require "at least 7 days notice" so lets be 100% clear on this ok, if i am asked to collect the kids on monday 1 nov and i require at least 7 days notice, when is the cut off for asking me about it?

i say its on the sunday but hubby refuses point blank to accept that and says im pedantic about it, my reasoning is that over time i know how this will be pushed and pushed until im being given 3 days notice if im lucky

@EarringsandLipstick

I've read both threads. I feel very sorry for OP but also a bit impatient.

In my view you are coming at it entirely incorrectly. No notice period - stop providing care, full stop. The whole situation is toxic & you've allowed your DD to mistreat you for years. She will now need to find child care like the rest of us.

Back to you, you have a complex long-term health condition & I'm sorry. But many posters have made suggestions for ways you can develop your hobby & create a friendship group. You've found a reason on both threads to dismiss all suggestions.

I'd suggest you pick one small thing you can do for yourself, and focus on that.

Stop engaging with your daughter at all, for now.

yes suggestions have been made, the problem being is that most involve "go meet a friend for coffee" etc, erm i dont have any friends! ok i can go drink a cup of coffee but on your own, i might aswell do that sat in my kitchen.

ok so the last 18 months or so have been difficult for most of us, but even prior to covid, the only time i have been out would be to go shopping (food mainly) mostly done alone (boring) we dont go out anywhere , this year i have eaten out twice! once for my birthday and then again for his, this is our normal. its nothing to do with covid it was like that way beforehand.

the few hobbies i do have are not something you can do away from home

i know its hard for most of you to even begin to understand what life is like when you are truely on your own and i know your only trying to help, but unless you have been in a situation like this i am in you have no idea

But you are in a situation largely of your own making. The only person stopping you from making friends via the ways suggested, is you.

I started the book group that I mentioned in an earlier post as I had moved to the area and knew no one.
You can't make friends by just sitting at home, you have to put some effort in.

Regarding your sewing. No one in my sewing group hauls their sewing machine around. We all do bits of hand sewing and chat. Tbh it's mainly chat, but that's why we all go.

@DidgeDoolittle

But you are in a situation largely of your own making. The only person stopping you from making friends via the ways suggested, is you.

I started the book group that I mentioned in an earlier post as I had moved to the area and knew no one.
You can't make friends by just sitting at home, you have to put some effort in.

Regarding your sewing. No one in my sewing group hauls their sewing machine around. We all do bits of hand sewing and chat. Tbh it's mainly chat, but that's why we all go.

how is me sitting in a coffee shop on my own, drinking the coffee, then leaving while everyone else in there is with someone chatting between themselves helping me? im invisable,

how on earth do you do machine embroidery, in a group, without carting the machine and laptop? i just dont get it! you cant do machine embroidery byhand

the few hobbies i do have are not something you can do away from home

But several posters explained on both threads how they could be?

Regardless, step away from your daughter. Introducing weeks' notice periods won't help this situation.

i know its hard for most of you to even begin to understand what life is like when you are truely on your own

I don't understand your situation, that's true but I do understand being alone. I don't have a friendship group at present, and no social life. That's due to a very busy job, bringing up 3 DC on my own & dealing with the aftermath of an abusive marriage.

However I am able to sustain myself from what I do have - my job, my DC, exercise and have hope that the social aspects will be available to me in the future.

Good luck 💐

@EarringsandLipstick

the few hobbies i do have are not something you can do away from home

But several posters explained on both threads how they could be?

Regardless, step away from your daughter. Introducing weeks' notice periods won't help this situation.

@EarringsandLipstick no not really, i dont seem to see anyone explaining how to do the machine embroidery away from home

Glad I've seen you previous thread to give your new thread some context.

I would ask her to provide her shifts by 6 pm on the Sunday.

Could she set up a shared calendar where she puts her shifts in as soon as she gets them and you put in anything that would affect you looking after the DC like going out hot the day?

My DPs used to look after my DSis DDog when she worked shifts. They had this system going and it worked really well. DPs we're well into their 80s but managed a shared calendar on the iPad just fine.

Try hand embroidery, patch work, needle point or cross stitch when you're out. Anything you fancy. It's not rocket science.

i dont seem to see anyone explaining how to do the machine embroidery away from home

I know nothing about embroidery!

But a PP said hand embroidery? The point isn't the exact task, it's the connection.

There are many social activities I'm not currently in a position to do. But I do exercise. And I use that as a way to have a small social connection.

I can't at the moment go for meals or nights out but one day, I'll be financially and personally more able to.

My close friends aren't nearby so I've no-one really I can ask for a favour or catch to meaningfully. But I enjoy the acquaintances I have & believe that longer-term I can make other choices.

I know this is nothing like your situation & you have poor health which is hard. I am just saying that you can adapt what you enjoy to make a social connection, based on what other posters have suggested.

@EarringsandLipstick

i know its hard for most of you to even begin to understand what life is like when you are truely on your own

I don't understand your situation, that's true but I do understand being alone. I don't have a friendship group at present, and no social life. That's due to a very busy job, bringing up 3 DC on my own & dealing with the aftermath of an abusive marriage.

However I am able to sustain myself from what I do have - my job, my DC, exercise and have hope that the social aspects will be available to me in the future.

Good luck 💐

@EarringsandLipstick

"I don't have a friendship group at present," - which suggests that you had one previously so its a starting point yes?

ok so your job is very busy, but it has the potential for external contact with adults away from your home, even if its just your lunch break

ok and having kids of your own must bring you into contact with other parents even if its only at school? or when walking back home with them?

im not ignoring your marriage, but thats your business

so take all the above out your life and then sit there and tell me its my own making

You don’t need a friendship group or to go running or whatever.
You need to just say no.

Why can’t you do that?

tell me its my own making

No I don't mean that what's happened to date is your own making.

I mean that now you have the opportunity to make some small changes to improve your well-being.

You reject them all.

Regarding your daughter, there's be meaningful way for you to take care of the children without her taking huge advantage. So stop creating silly rules like 'when does 7 days begin?' Instead cease contact unless she changes & behaves with respect.

Mind yourself & your health. If you are getting only a few hours sleep a night & have COPD how could you look after DC, even if your DD was reasonable?

Understandably you are full of self-pity. But you have a choice about how you can improve your life, a little.

@EarringsandLipstick

"I mean that now you have the opportunity to make some small changes to improve your well-being. You reject them all" - because i dont know how too anything

[quote takenforgrantednana]@EarringsandLipstick

"I mean that now you have the opportunity to make some small changes to improve your well-being. You reject them all" - because i dont know how too anything[/quote]
What about the embroidery / sewing group suggestion? Can you find out locally if this is an option?

Where I live, in our parish centre, there are coffee mornings (just about coming back post-Covid) for older / retired people.

They also do talks on different topics.

It's that kind of thing. A little outlet - that takes you away from this situation with your family.

But something v small, no-one is saying make any huge change.

Maybe in your locality you would spot some posters in shops or notice boards that have something of interest?

@Mymapuddlington

YABU just for treating your family like they have to specifically book in to see you.

Err, no! They are asking her to babysit. My sons have to book for babysitting because a) I work and b) I have a life! If they don't book early enough then I may have other commitments.

@EarringsandLipstick

What about the embroidery / sewing group suggestion? Can you find out locally if this is an option? - its not an option because i dont do hand sewing/embroidery only machine stuff

Where I live, in our parish centre, there are coffee mornings (just about coming back post-Covid) for older / retired people. - erm how old do you think i am? im 57! i fit into neither older or retired

They also do talks on different topics.

It's that kind of thing. A little outlet - that takes you away from this situation with your family.

But something v small, no-one is saying make any huge change.

Maybe in your locality you would spot some posters in shops or notice boards that have something of interest? - no never see anything like that

WI?

@ItsMeAgainAndIHaventChanged

WI?

only available once a month and start at 7.30pm til 10pm, im normally in bed well before then because of my meds make me exhausted

Pity! The one near here does afternoons.

@ItsMeAgainAndIHaventChanged

Pity! The one near here does afternoons.

i checked out a 30 mile radius of me and they are all evenings

@residentkaleidoscope

Obviously a lot of posters haven't read the other thread. Does your husband work OP?

To be fair, OP doesn’t even mention another thread in her opening post - it only came up because other posters remembered the story. If it was vital for context, she should have linked to it at the beginning; or just posted again on the original thread.

Actually you need to say no sometimes and let her feel the consequences

The grandparents in our family work full time to keep their homes. If anyone told me the wanted a weeks notice I would ask, not Monday as they’ll have to ask their manager for the time off, but two working days before they babysit. If I needed them Monday I would ask, ssftwtmss friday before the Monday. One day to ask the manager and confirm they can’t.
If it was an emergency baby sit then I wouldn’t ask you. I would insist on those with less financial worries or more availability’s to step in.
Failing that I don’t know. It would probably have to be very important or dayer (sorry I don’t know how to spell dayer) for me to need a emergency babysitter.

What about the u3a ? I've recently retired , moved country , left a non functional marriage and the u3a groups , both on Zoom and face to face , have led on to other outings and burgeoning friendships . I get that it's hard to put yourself out there but the alternative of feeling lonely and isolated felt worse to me .

I think you a being a bit unreasonable, if my parents had this attitude they would be the last person I would call to babysit … and I imagine our relationship as well as my children’s relationship would dwindle pretty rapidly.