AIBU?

[takenforgrantednana]

so i have put my foot down on the notice for babysitting the grand kids, but the sticking point has been i have said i require "at least 7 days notice" so lets be 100% clear on this ok, if i am asked to collect the kids on monday 1 nov and i require at least 7 days notice, when is the cut off for asking me about it?

i say its on the sunday but hubby refuses point blank to accept that and says im pedantic about it, my reasoning is that over time i know how this will be pushed and pushed until im being given 3 days notice if im lucky

To be completely honest, you sound like hard work! Everyone has tried helping you with suggestions and you’ve got every one of them down stating we obviously just don’t understand what it’s like. If you are free to have them then have them, if you aren’t then you’re not. Simple as. Whether she has walked over you in the past all you have to say if it is too short notice is “sorry I’m busy”. That’s it for goodness sake! You are being very petty and I’d not be asking you at all anymore, you sound so ungrateful to be able to have the pleasure of looking after your grandchildren while you still can! I certainly wouldn’t be entertaining you any longer, childcare or no childcare! My mum has th same health conditions as you and also looks after my sad who has dementia and she jumps at the chance to look after my children

I like yo know in advance if needed for full days or overnights so I dont plan anything, school pick ups are not usually needed at the moment but the odd emergency one does pop up so usually short notice , if it was regular pick ups I'd need a few days notice incase I'm going to be out and need to change plans

You're not being unreasonable to set boundaries. Why don't you all just make it a set routine that you collect the kids on a Monday or whatever day it is?! Then you you know where you stand.
It is not your responsibility to parent the kids so having rules and stuff is a great idea - especially if you feel this strongly about it. Family meeting needed with both your SiL and your hubby to tell them that you're happy to help but they're taking you for granted and that is not ok!

Wow! How lucky are your family to have you to babysit.
I think the notice period is a brilliant idea. My mother looks after my Nieces and nephews and normally gets asked very last minute. She is too far for me to ask!
My MIL has never looked after my DS.

wonderful lady please don’t feel bad for having a notice period.

I’m not getting into the hobby stuff.

In terms of your grandchildren, the problem with your notice period is that is still gives your daughter the basic impression that you’re her default childcare.

You don’t want to be.

So don’t be.

Tell her that you will OFFER to collect the children on days/times when it suits you. Other than that, her childcare arrangements - emergency or otherwise - are nothing to do with you.

That’s it.

I would say if you want me to look after the kids I need to know by 7pm on the Sunday of the week before, as that's when you sort your calendar.
If they don't want to do that it's fine and you hope they find other arrangements. If your husband insists on them coming to yours I would get a bolt for the bedroom door and hide in there telling them Nan needs to rest Grandad is there to look after them.

Weird grandma, sorry! If you don’t want to look after your grandchildren just say no regardless of the notice period you are stipulating. All sounds very weird to me, sorry. I am glad you aren’t looking after my children!

Does your daughter perhaps have the misguided view that the childcare is giving you a purpose in life, because you don’t have any other outside interests? She may think she is doing you an enormous favour.
Reading your posts, you appear to be quite unwell and your family is in denial. We often don’t want to see what is right in front of our noses.

Like others I don’t understand why the rota is so last minute. You haven’t disclosed what she does, but when I worked shifts, the Rotas were published a year in advance.

I really feel for you. Your family need to cut you some slack. Stop the child care, buy yourself some noise cancelling headphones and get an Audible subscription. Lose yourself listening to wonderful stories/podcasts, whatever you fancy, so you can’t hear the complaining when it starts.

Learn how to be selfish - your daughter seems to have got it down to a Tee.

You are getting such a kicking and I really don't understand why. This has obviously caused you a problem in the past and you are just trying to put some boundaries in place. You have an absolute right to have your time respected. If you wanted a three-month timetable in advance you have a right to ask for it.

To answer your question, I think the latest would-be Monday for the following Monday. I think that makes it easier for people to remember. Monday for a week Monday, Tuesday for a week Tuesday, and so on.

Hope that helps.

OP they have Royally taken the piss expecting nana to babysit ad infinitum.

Your family sound very entitled and need a good short sharp shock. Time to put yourself first. You have done more than enough for years.

Oh , poor you, there are so many put upon grannies out there, who are expected to have no life of their own and are a replacement for a lazy dad, and a disorganised mum.
Here's my suggestion:
You need to make a list.

1. Investigate getting divorced, go and see s solicitor who will give you some free advice on what it involves. Think hard about what you want, you have a limited time left of your life and you own half of all your husband has including his pension.
2. Check classes on learning about computer usage.
3. Check meet up groups and social groups.
4. You are feeling undervalued by your daughter and under pressure for something you do for love of your grand children. It is not acceptable to you any more. Have a proper meeting with your daughter and son in law to discuss this. Make a list of your reasons for wanting change , and discuss a resolution to each one of them like you would do in a job.

If they do not give you the respect you deserve, then tell them to get proper child care as you are not well enough to be a parent to their children as much as you would like to help, and however much you love them.

1. If you want to carry on looking after the children, ask your daughter to send you an email about her rota so that you can agree the time you do this.
2. You need to take a step back and not feel guilty whatever the pressure. You need to decide what you want from your children, and what you want to do about your condition. Take time out to think about this, your children and grandchildren will always love you, don't worry about minor disagreements.

Not sure on details of previous thread etc but personally if this is becoming an issue for you then it’s ok to set some boundaries.

If you’re happy to help with advance notice I would say something like if you want to ensure I am free to collect let me know by x date. If I’m not asked by then I may make plans which I won’t change so can’t ensure I will be available to pick up at short notice (emergencies excepted obviously)

OP if you can talk to us online on Mumsnet you can join that machine embroidery and sewing facebook group I sent you www.facebook.com/groups/425215044348438/ and start off with what you said to us:

Hello everyone, I am a newbie and was hoping for some help..

i bought an embroidery machine, the trouble is im limited with the number of patterns on it, ok i am meant to be able to add others via the flash drive, and no matter how many times i have asked either my husband, my it qualified son, my daughter or her it manager husband, not one of them will show me how to get stuff from my laptop via the flash drive to the sewing machine, which ive had now for 2 1/2 years and spent a fortune on it and just cant use it other than plain normal sewing things

It would get you chatting online and build your confidence

A week is a bit pedantic. You are entitled to a life so if it doesn’t suit just say no, by being so rigid you are indicating you actually don’t want to do it at all.

I do think you are being a bit pedantic over 1 day but you are laying down the rules so it’s up to you, so I don’t think YABU. Do you really think this rule is going to hold for long though?

You sound like a bit of a control freak. What if something happened at short notice?

I find this so odd. If these are ad hoc requests then surely you just plan your life and IF she asks and you are free then you say ‘yes’ and if you have something planned then you say ‘sorry I have ‘blank’ tomorrow, no can do. Hope you get it sorted’.
Even if you ask for 7 days notice you will have some waiting around until 7 days before….. what if you want to book theatre tickets and you are waiting for 7 days before the show date to book just in case.. and hoy miss out.
Asking her to give you 7 days notice and complaining that she gives you 6 and a half days or something like that, is a bit much from a mother or mother in law. Honestly if you have a busy social life then I kind of understand but think that you should just learn to say no and not be guilt ridden about it. If you are just saying out of principle then really I think you are being pedantic and that there is something a little wrong in your relationship with your daughter and perhaps you two need to work on that rather than bickering over notice given to babysit your grandkids.

@Thebelleofstmarys

What about the u3a ? I've recently retired , moved country , left a non functional marriage and the u3a groups , both on Zoom and face to face , have led on to other outings and burgeoning friendships . I get that it's hard to put yourself out there but the alternative of feeling lonely and isolated felt worse to me .

i had to look it up to see what you where talking about, but unfortunately im not old enough, im not in the retirement age bracket

I know people who go to the U3A and there is no lower age limit.

@DidgeDoolittle

I know people who go to the U3A and there is no lower age limit.

well i can only go by the info i read on their web site

From reading all your posts I don’t think the issue here is how much notice you should or shouldn’t ask for childcare, the way you put things suggests you are being treated really badly by your daughter, son in law and your husband. And that this is making your life, which for whatever reason is already quite empty, even harder. I think you need to get some help to start putting yourself and your health, physical and emotional, before anything else. Perhaps the gp would be a good place to start, living with a long term health condition and all this stress must be awful, and you can’t look after anyone’s kids if you’re not well enough yourself.
Also, the last minute.com stuff with your daughter doesn’t sound great for your grandchildren either, you mention they don’t know who’s picking them up sometimes, and their mother isn’t contactable when needed, that must be leaving them feeling pretty uncertain at times, not to mention if they’re getting caught up in all the stress and disagreements.
Think of your daughter as a big kid, she’s behaving like she is because she’s getting away with it, you said you put in boundaries and then they slip, I think you would be doing everyone a big favour by starting to say no and meaning it, and investing your new spare time in yourself and getting better and stronger. I wish you lots of luck….🌺

It sounds like you are pretty fed up so I would tell your daughter you’re not up for babysitting at the moment.

Then try and be positive, thinking about how you can make small changes to improve your life. After all, you can’t change what others do, only what you do.

Good luck.

I can't get my head around calling your daughter 'the mum' or 'the mother'

Just say no! You have had your time of being a Mother and taking care of your children but now they have grown up it is now YOUR time to relax and enjoy YOUR life. That is what my Mother did and now what I do. It’s not selfish but it is about taking care of your own health, life and happiness. Put yourself first for a change and don’t allow yourself to be bullied or manipulated by anyone.

OP I have read your previous thread as well as all of this one.

I feel for you but you are in a problem of your own making as you kept saying yes. You said in one post something about “how would you feel if you were my daughter’s boss hearing she couldn’t come in because her mum couldn’t do childcare” - you are as PP said coming at this from totally the wrong way - it is 100% not sure responsibility to ensure your daughter (“the mother”) is available for work.

Say you’re unavailable. Say you are too tired. Say you are unwell. Whatever. If your husband wants to move his work day around to get the grandkids, let him, but that’s between him and your daughter.

You’re focusing on the “7 days notice” because it’s the only boundary you’ve managed to put in, and she’s already shitting on it. But that boundary was nowhere near enough to begin with!!

As for not having a social life or hobbies, if this is something you want, you need to make it happen. Plenty of suggestions have been made but you have dismissed them all - passive aggressively. “I can only go by what I see on their website” - well, on their website it says there is no minimum age:

www.u3a.org.uk/about/history

You need to take charge of your life. Say no. Be firm. Enjoy the heady thrill of self-mastery!