AIBU?

[takenforgrantednana]

so i have put my foot down on the notice for babysitting the grand kids, but the sticking point has been i have said i require "at least 7 days notice" so lets be 100% clear on this ok, if i am asked to collect the kids on monday 1 nov and i require at least 7 days notice, when is the cut off for asking me about it?

i say its on the sunday but hubby refuses point blank to accept that and says im pedantic about it, my reasoning is that over time i know how this will be pushed and pushed until im being given 3 days notice if im lucky

p.s. I am very grateful to my Mum and appreciate she deserves her retirement and has her own life and health issues and would not do what your daughter is doing to you.

The key here is your daughter and family need to learn gratitude for all you have done and that you are a person in your own right not just 'mum' or 'nana'. The only way they will do that is if you set your own boundaries and do not seek permission. You do not owe any of them anything.

OP - Be happy! . Book that bloody holiday away from the lot of them! .

No seriously, book that holiday Shirley Valentine.

the reason the school has phoned me is because they have tried contacting the mum at work and cant get hold of her, weekend are their "family time"

“The mum”?

Is this your daughter? Daughter in law?

Odd language.

@DidgeDoolittle

I am your age and have grandchildren. My husband also works.

I help out with childcare if I'm free. I have a busy social life and don't keep myself on hold just in case I'm needed. If I'm free of course I'll help, but if it's a last minute request and I'm busy, no can do.

If a child is ill whilst at school it is their parents responsibility to fetch them, not yours. Just because they dodge out of that responsibility doesn't mean to say you have to pick up the slack.

Get on with your life, do what you want and your daughter will have to fit round it.

Incidentally, I knit and sew. I go to various knitting and sewing groups during the day. If there aren't any local to you, start one. Stick an add in the post office. Meet in a cafe. I started a book group exactly like that.
Good luck.

you see, i dont know how to do any of that, how on earth do you start a sewing club? i just dont know, never had this friendship thing all with anyone ever. going into somewhere for a coffee is something i do on my own, i drink the coffee and then leave.

@MrsSkylerWhite

the reason the school has phoned me is because they have tried contacting the mum at work and cant get hold of her, weekend are their "family time"

“The mum”?

Is this your daughter? Daughter in law?

Odd language.

yes my daughter is the mother of the grandkids, if you had read anything of the other posts above its not that hard to understand that surely?

@Mymapuddlington

YABU just for treating your family like they have to specifically book in to see you.

This. Doesn't sound like you like your grandkids much.

It's also really bizarre how you refer to your daughter as "the mother"

@Lightswitch123

It's also really bizarre how you refer to your daughter as "the mother"

well she is the grandkids mum, im not sure how else you would think i would refer to her

@Lightswitch123 another one that hasnt read the whole thing then? ive said further up that im stuck as i dont like doing any of this because the kids are the ones that are being caught in the middle of it all, and that was not something i wanted to happen at all, but as the grandkids and my daughter come as a package then im not sure how else to deal with this, ive tried and failed each and every time, so its got to this point now, and no im not liking it at all, but how else do you think i m going to get thr to everyone?

is there a hobby you have always wanted to do. What do you like? A dance class? or an Art class or Zumba? Wildlife? Book group? Choir? Race for Life? Walking group?

Volunteering at a charity shop or a wildlife trust? It would give you a way in that wouldn't cost you anything and you would meet people of a similar interest. Get you out a bit and make some friends of your own.

Then you would have someone to go for a coffee with.

world COPD day is 17th Nov 2021 - maybe this would give you an interest where you could do something to help yourself

www.blf.org.uk/support-for-you/copd/world-copd-day

here are some events you could get involved in if you like?
www.blf.org.uk/local-events

or British Heart Foundation
www.bhf.org.uk/how-you-can-help/events

Your family would see that you are spending your time on you (these are only ideas you pick what you like OP) and more importantly you are not constantly available.

I think the point that @DidgeDoolittle is making is that she has her own life and is not constantly available for instant free childcare.

It’s not fair on the grandkids and you need to tell your daughter that.
It’s not fair for her to leave them poorly at school.
Not fair for her to leave them not knowing what’s happening.
It’s her responsibility.
Your responsibility is to feed them too many sweets, pretend whatever their interested in is the best thing you’ve ever heard and send them home with full tummy’s and smothered in kisses and cuddles.

@Springplanting

world COPD day is 17th Nov 2021 - maybe this would give you an interest where you could do something to help yourself

www.blf.org.uk/support-for-you/copd/world-copd-day

here are some events you could get involved in if you like?
www.blf.org.uk/local-events

or British Heart Foundation
www.bhf.org.uk/how-you-can-help/events

Your family would see that you are spending your time on you (these are only ideas you pick what you like OP) and more importantly you are not constantly available.

I think the point that @DidgeDoolittle is making is that she has her own life and is not constantly available for instant free childcare.

god that stuff made me laugh, the running thing! hahahahhaha i cant even walk up the stairs without ending on my hands and knees gasping for air half way up it, besides that the nearest thing they are doing is about 2 hrs away, but i have no interest at all in excercise stuff i find all that including any type of sports totally boring.

@Springplanting

is there a hobby you have always wanted to do. What do you like? A dance class? or an Art class or Zumba? Wildlife? Book group? Choir? Race for Life? Walking group?

Volunteering at a charity shop or a wildlife trust? It would give you a way in that wouldn't cost you anything and you would meet people of a similar interest. Get you out a bit and make some friends of your own.

Then you would have someone to go for a coffee with.

yeah sure is, its to do with my sewing, i bought an embroidery machine, the trouble is im limited with the number of patterns on it, ok i am meant to be able to add others via the flash drive, and no matter how many times i have asked either my husband, my it qualified son, my daughter or her it manager husband, not one of them will show me how to get stuff from my laptop via the flash drive to the sewing machine, which ive had now for 2 1/2 years and spent a fortune on it and just cant use it other than plain normal sewing things.

the only other issue with my sewing is that its not something you do with other people, you dont move a £1500 sewing machine you treat it with kid gloves

@takenforgrantednana
My mum was a carer to my dad for years. Despite having heart failure and being unwell.
When my dad passed she was heartbroken but said she would finally get to live her life. She died 5 months later.

Please don’t put your life on hold for anyone, it is short and valuable.

Whether you want to paint, binge watch Netflix, eat cake and drink coffee all day. It doesn’t matter. You can not and will not pick the kids up as you’re busy.

I have an embroidery machine. Private message me and I will help you.

[quote Mymapuddlington]@takenforgrantednana
My mum was a carer to my dad for years. Despite having heart failure and being unwell.
When my dad passed she was heartbroken but said she would finally get to live her life. She died 5 months later.

Please don’t put your life on hold for anyone, it is short and valuable.

Whether you want to paint, binge watch Netflix, eat cake and drink coffee all day. It doesn’t matter. You can not and will not pick the kids up as you’re busy.[/quote]
ok i hear what your saying, but i also have the resentment from my husband to deal with too, he sees that im at home and im doing nothing so what is the problem. he is 100% jealous of the fact im at home and he is "having" to go to work, he thinks being at home is a peice of p'''s and that i have no reason at all to complain. all he thinks is that i am one big drain on him and his bank account i know he hates me, he has told me this many times, but i have stayed put as i have no where else to go. i should have left years back to be honest.

@Mymapuddlington

I have an embroidery machine. Private message me and I will help you.

thanks but i dont know how to do that on here

Oh darling

You go to the council, you claim universal credits and pip and whatever else. You tell them you’re homeless and need emergency accommodation.
You then bid on a nice bungalow with a pretty front garden and sew yourself happy ♥️

Unless it’s your house in which case you change the locks and kick the bastard out!

I’ve messaged you

god that stuff made me laugh, the running thing! hahahahhaha i cant even walk up the stairs without ending on my hands and knees gasping for air half way up it, besides that the nearest thing they are doing is about 2 hrs away, but i have no interest at all in excercise stuff i find all that including any type of sports totally boring

I didn't mean you needed to do running but even if it was just being part of something that's all I meant as a start for your own life and meeting new people.

yeah sure is, its to do with my sewing, i bought an embroidery machine, the trouble is im limited with the number of patterns on it, ok i am meant to be able to add others via the flash drive, and no matter how many times i have asked either my husband, my it qualified son, my daughter or her it manager husband, not one of them will show me how to get stuff from my laptop via the flash drive to the sewing machine, which ive had now for 2 1/2 years and spent a fortune on it and just cant use it other than plain normal sewing things

the only other issue with my sewing is that its not something you do with other people, you dont move a £1500 sewing machine you treat it with kid gloves

that is great but shitty that your family don't help you with your stuff only using you as child care.

here's an Embroidery & Sewing Machine facebook club online www.facebook.com/groups/425215044348438/
www.facebook.com/groups/425215044348438/

they could help you and there is no running involved.

i wish you best of luck with your new life chapter xx

I've read both threads. I feel very sorry for OP but also a bit impatient.

In my view you are coming at it entirely incorrectly. No notice period - stop providing care, full stop. The whole situation is toxic & you've allowed your DD to mistreat you for years. She will now need to find child care like the rest of us.

Back to you, you have a complex long-term health condition & I'm sorry. But many posters have made suggestions for ways you can develop your hobby & create a friendship group. You've found a reason on both threads to dismiss all suggestions.

I'd suggest you pick one small thing you can do for yourself, and focus on that.

Stop engaging with your daughter at all, for now.

takenforgrantednana

MrsSkylerWhite
the reason the school has phoned me is because they have tried contacting the mum at work and cant get hold of her, weekend are their "family time"

“The mum”?

Is this your daughter? Daughter in law?

Odd language.
yes my daughter is the mother of the grandkids, if you had read anything of the other posts above its not that hard to understand that surely?“

I have read them. Thought I must have missed something though because “the mum” is a very odd way of referring to your daughter. Surely, just that “my daughter”.

@MrsSkylerWhite

takenforgrantednana

MrsSkylerWhite
the reason the school has phoned me is because they have tried contacting the mum at work and cant get hold of her, weekend are their "family time"

“The mum”?

Is this your daughter? Daughter in law?

Odd language.
yes my daughter is the mother of the grandkids, if you had read anything of the other posts above its not that hard to understand that surely?“

I have read them. Thought I must have missed something though because “the mum” is a very odd way of referring to your daughter. Surely, just that “my daughter”.

well how about because she is the kids mum? im not! im just a nana.

Firstly to answer your question I would say end of play Monday is the 7 day limit to the following week. But I really think you should stop the childcare altogether. You are clearly not well and it is causing too much stress and conflict.