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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?

229 replies

takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 18:25

so i have put my foot down on the notice for babysitting the grand kids, but the sticking point has been i have said i require "at least 7 days notice" so lets be 100% clear on this ok, if i am asked to collect the kids on monday 1 nov and i require at least 7 days notice, when is the cut off for asking me about it?

i say its on the sunday but hubby refuses point blank to accept that and says im pedantic about it, my reasoning is that over time i know how this will be pushed and pushed until im being given 3 days notice if im lucky

OP posts:
Nillynally · 15/10/2021 19:33

Why not just live your life and say 'no sorry' if you can't and 'yes sure' if you can. You sound unbearably hard work and I'd be looking for childcare elsewhere if you were my MiL!

GoldChick · 15/10/2021 19:33

I'd spell it out to her with a cut off time and everything.

GoldChick · 15/10/2021 19:34

And start saying no

Duchess379 · 15/10/2021 19:34

If daughter does the usual routine 'mum, can you just..' say no. You've got plans. She can't expect you to be waiting on instructions to pick up & feed her kids on a whim. Good luck

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 19:35

@carebearbaby

I completely agree with the other thread about establishing boundaries. Are you all caught up with being supported as NBU that you have lost sight of what you wanted to achieve and being so ridiculously particular? Who gives a crap if its a day out? You are in charge of your own life. If she asks and gives you notice, surely you have or have not plans but say what you want. 7 or 8 days, does it matter?
7-8 days does it matter? yes unfortunately as i have tried to explain before, if i back down in the slightest way it will be seen as an open invitation to push it further if and when she can, shes done this so many times in the past to me. its seen as some sort of weakness and she will take advantage of that if and when she can
OP posts:
WeatherwaxLives · 15/10/2021 19:36

I remember your other thread, you're completely NBU. I say this as someone whose DM looks after their DD for free. And I'm very very grateful!!

But 7 days to me would be the same time on the same day the previous week. So if they want you to collect at 3pm on Monday, they need to ask before 3pm the Monday before. Sunday would be 8 days.

GoldChick · 15/10/2021 19:36

And if your hubby is that bothered he can be her on call babysitter

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 19:37

@Nillynally

Why not just live your life and say 'no sorry' if you can't and 'yes sure' if you can. You sound unbearably hard work and I'd be looking for childcare elsewhere if you were my MiL!
and likewise if you where my daughter then i would be telling you to find someone else to do it, im wanting some respect thts all, not being taken advantage of at the last minute
OP posts:
Mymapuddlington · 15/10/2021 19:38

and if the kids where yours? how would you boss feel if you had to phone in and say oh sorry no can do, my mum cant look after the kids today as its inconvient for her

Not your problem. She will have to do what countless other people do and sort it out.

DroopyClematis · 15/10/2021 19:39

As a pp said, you need to just start saying 'no.'

It doesn't matter that she says that her mum can't look after her children, that's her problem, not your's and not her employer's.

AdviceOnLife · 15/10/2021 19:40

I remeber your other thread OP

I just don't understand your daughter.
Surely her rota is released every 1/2/4 weeks. As soon as she gets it. She takes a photo of it send it to you and let's you know what she needs.
I don't understand why she is making so much hassle. It's really not hard concidering you are doing her and her DH massive favour.

godmum56 · 15/10/2021 19:47

I'd say on the previous monday to the monday when you are needed and so on....my concern would be that if she is a CF, she will start to push in another way by saying "here's YOUR rota" and getting her knickers in a twist if you look at it and say you can't do some of it for whatever reason. I'd be saying "the sooner you ask, not tell, me then the more likely I am to be able to help out" but not laying down conditions that might rebound on you.

toocold54 · 15/10/2021 20:00

I’d say you are putting yourself at a disadvantage by requesting that she gives you 7 days notice.

If it’s Sunday and she says can you do Monday and you are free and want to then you can say yes but if you’re already busy then you can say no.

I think it’s decent to ‘book in advance’ and me and my family will do this so we can then make plans for the upcoming date but that’s just to make sure we can get a babysitter whereas I think you are making it harder for yourself. Your daughter needs to learn the hard way that you have your own life and if she leaves it until the last minute to ask you then you may be busy already.

Mymapuddlington · 15/10/2021 20:02

Dear daughter
I have realised I am unable to provide childcare for you on a regular basis.
If you need me, please ask and I will do my best however please do not rely on me or be surprised if I’m unavailable.

Repeat and say no as required. You’re facilitating her not growing up, she needs to sort out a child minder or figure out work hours with her partner.
Being able to ‘book’ with you means she always will. It will be a job for you. She will also argue when you’re ill. You will also say no to last minute plans with friends because she booked you.

Just say no.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 20:05

"She will also argue when you’re ill" you havent already read my previous post then? ive been ill for the last 12 months, i have copd and heart failure!

OP posts:
Thehop · 15/10/2021 20:05

OP, you’ve posted about your daughter before. Please please stick to your guns

Thissucksmonkeynuts · 15/10/2021 20:05

7 days sounds amazing, we have to book the inlaws about 6 months in advance in the iff chance they might fancy turning up for a birthday celebration.

Mymapuddlington · 15/10/2021 20:07

I haven’t no.

So why are you doing it?
Tell her you can’t.

ChocChipPancake · 15/10/2021 20:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

ALittleBitWorrriedNow · 15/10/2021 20:22

What if there’s some kind of emergency? I don’t understand why you need 7 days notice but I suppose it depends why they’re asking you to do school pick ups.

Whitefire · 15/10/2021 20:26

Personally I would be saying that on a Monday she has to let you know by the end of that day what days she wants you for the next week, this means you have chance to plan a week in advance.

Good luck

Anonymous48 · 15/10/2021 20:27

I mean, obviously 7 days prior to a Monday is the previous Monday. One week in advance. The Sunday before is 8 days.

But this is a really weird situation all around.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 20:27

@ChocChipPancake

I would have thought the Monday before was at least 7 days notice.

Id maybe clarify your language with your daughter and say you need more than 7 days notice. Then there's no room for misinterpretation.

Nobody should ever expect childcare from anyone unless they're paying an establishment. You are well within your rights to set boundaries and your daughter needs to appreciate that you're not pulling the plug completely on childcare but you are allowed your own life.
Just because you are setting boundaries doesn't mean you don't want to see your grandchildren and I'm a little shocked by some of the responses on here

well i wasnt given the chance to say anything when i was asked on monday night about next week, i got halfway thr my sentance, dared to stop for breath, and then both her and my husband both started on me, she snaring just forget it, and then rushing to gather the kids and get out of my house, my hubby also attacking me about this even tonight, because as far as im concerned she said to forget about next week but then she texted her dad to ask what was going on, and instead of him saying what i had said about the "at least 7 days" he just said we would collect the kids next week! he now claims he told me he had replied to her with that and i was ok!!!! erm no im not, its the first i knew of it. but if both had actually let me get my breath in the first place i was going to pull daughter up about this and explain to her that this is the problem and why i hve had to state the time limit in the first place, but on this occassion i would have got the kids but in future there will be no change of plans because she didnt ask in time i.e. shes had her very last warning, but.............. well we never got that far and now neither are speaking to me
OP posts:
MassiveHoard · 15/10/2021 20:31

If you're able to do it then do it, if you're not you're not. If they ask you 3 days before and you're free would you say no just because they didn't give you a weeks notice?

Briony123 · 15/10/2021 20:31

@Mymapuddlington

YABU just for treating your family like they have to specifically book in to see you.
It's not booking into see her, it's using her as free childcare. I'm guessing that popping in for an hour on Tuesday afternoon would be fine if she's home.