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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU?

229 replies

takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 18:25

so i have put my foot down on the notice for babysitting the grand kids, but the sticking point has been i have said i require "at least 7 days notice" so lets be 100% clear on this ok, if i am asked to collect the kids on monday 1 nov and i require at least 7 days notice, when is the cut off for asking me about it?

i say its on the sunday but hubby refuses point blank to accept that and says im pedantic about it, my reasoning is that over time i know how this will be pushed and pushed until im being given 3 days notice if im lucky

OP posts:
ChocChipPancake · 15/10/2021 20:34

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

ALittleBitWorrriedNow · 15/10/2021 20:36

Ah sorry, I see it’s for when your daughter is at work….I think 7 days notice is perfectly reasonable, your daughter should ask you as soon as she gets her shifts….My mum doesn’t help at all with my kids now and when she did it was always on her terms, at her house. She started being very mean to my pre-teen DC which was basically emotionally abusive, scapegoating so we had to go low-contact…she’s never helped with DC3 at all. You sound wonderful….I’d happily swap mums with your daughter and can give 7 days notice 😆 She should appreciate you more!

ChocChipPancake · 15/10/2021 20:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on OP's request.

BadgeronaMoped · 15/10/2021 20:48

I'm sorry she's being so entitled, and that your husband is enabling her behaviour. YANBU, I'm not sure how you can fix this though, especially with your husband undermining you.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 20:48

@ChocChipPancake yes that is about it, im not very good with putting things into words, the times i have had phone calls from the school because one of the kids has had an accident or isnt feeling well and they cant get hold of their mum, and i have had to drop everything i was doing and rush along to the school, so i cant go far, or get too involved with anything such as decorating etc etc i just feel i have to be ready to stop at a moments notice all the time

OP posts:
Newmummytoakitten · 15/10/2021 20:50

Before I decided to have children I had a conversation with my mum with how much she would or wouldnt want to do.

She is well within her right to say she cant help me and has said that in the past.

Regarding work dont let yourself feel guilty if she is telling work it's your fault that she cant be there. She needs to arrange her life and childcare in advance as they are her children.

There is nothing wrong with you setting a boundary and I would say if she needs you on the Monday then she has to let you know by the monday week before.

I dont know what it was like for you when you had your daughter but my.mum was a sahm so appreciates that life can be crazy for me organising work and children so will often ask if I need her for any extra time the week before. I never appreciated ahat people meant by mental load until I had kids!

So If you are happy to have the kids and can understand how it may just be hectic in her head to think of everything perhaps on the sunday previous you could text and ask her if she needs you for childcare before you book in your own activities. Then if she doesnt reply you can carry on your merry way.

Also maybe get a list of school holidays and ask if she needs help or tell her which days you are happy to help on.

mountbattenbergcake · 15/10/2021 20:51

@RealBecca

Surelg you just do it unless youre busy or its inconvenient
I don’t think that’s fair. Op should be able to say no if she just doesn’t want to.
residentkaleidoscope · 15/10/2021 20:52

Obviously a lot of posters haven't read the other thread. Does your husband work OP?

Lollypop701 · 15/10/2021 20:53

Honestly I’d your husband said yes tell he’s doing it. Go out. You are not the parent, being a gp is supposed to be the nice bits, even if that’s providing childcare regularly it’s on your terms. You’ve been a walkover for dd and dh for too long so anything different is going to cause fallout… they have each other to back each other up. You have to start making plans… so courses, coffee with friends etc so that you are not available unless booked in

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 20:57

@Newmummytoakitten

i never had my mum around to help with anything, in fact my daughter didnt have any contact with her nana until she was 15 yrs old!

we where prompting her previously every time, thats part of the problem, never had her rota available and said she would text later , but later never came. and as for the school holidays it was us bring up the oct hols that prompted the start of the arguements of.

OP posts:
Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 21:00

@residentkaleidoscope

Obviously a lot of posters haven't read the other thread. Does your husband work OP?
yes he works, and was one of the remarks before he walked off away from me tonight, being friday its going to cause problems him leaving work an hr early on monday, i wont even know if he has been able to go and get the kids or not as he cant phone me when in work! and by the time he is out of work its getting to late for me getting to the school in time just in case he wasnt there, so i cant win either way and the last thing i want is for the kids to be stood at school not knowing who is picking them up
OP posts:
Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 21:03

@mountbattenbergcake some days im not in a place where i feel well enough to get the kids, but i do. you just push on dont you?

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 15/10/2021 21:03

Here, a day or two (in a dire emergency, immediately, I’d drop anything else I had planned). I don’t work though and without knowing your personal circumstances, I can’t possibly comment on your requirement 🤷‍♀️

Mymapuddlington · 15/10/2021 21:10

phone calls from the school because one of the kids has had an accident or isnt feeling well and they cant get hold of their mum

I’m so sorry school but I’m not actually available at the moment, have you tried calling where she works?

She needs to understand you are allowed to say no. Also take control a bit. ‘Do you fancy coming round for dinner on Saturday?’ If you want to see the grandkids. Rather than being at her beck and call.

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 21:14

@Mymapuddlington

phone calls from the school because one of the kids has had an accident or isnt feeling well and they cant get hold of their mum

I’m so sorry school but I’m not actually available at the moment, have you tried calling where she works?

She needs to understand you are allowed to say no. Also take control a bit. ‘Do you fancy coming round for dinner on Saturday?’ If you want to see the grandkids. Rather than being at her beck and call.

the reason the school has phoned me is because they have tried contacting the mum at work and cant get hold of her, weekend are their "family time"
OP posts:
Mymapuddlington · 15/10/2021 21:22

Well then the kids stay at school until mum picks them up and the school can explain that they need to be able to contact her.

If she doesn’t class you as family on the weekend why bend over backwards for her? You’re going to make your health worse. You’ve done your bit.
You offer to have the kids when it suits you or you’re available and able to do it.

Otherwise they, like the majority of couples need to figure it out.

FancySomeChips · 15/10/2021 21:24

What a strange arrangement- to have to have booking slots for your grand babies!

Justilou1 · 15/10/2021 21:28

You need to let DD & DH know that you are going away Thursday & Friday and won’t be available by phone. They can sort kids between themselves. Your time is not theirs to decide anymore. Enjoy the mini break!

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 21:29

@FancySomeChips

What a strange arrangement- to have to have booking slots for your grand babies!
@FancySomeChips i know its a strange thing but you really need to read the whole thing before making comments like that
OP posts:
Lollypop701 · 15/10/2021 21:34

@FancySomeChips read the thread. Dd wants op on call to pick up kid’s whenever she can be arsed to tell her. Op is happy to help but would like to not sit twiddling her thumbs waiting for a call…she would like to know a week in advance. . Ops dh is an enabler of this , because frankly he’s not impacted as he’s not actually providing childcare, just volunteering op to sit at home. Probably because it suits him that his wife has no life and has to stay home… because, you know, she may need to provide childcare. Outside if childcare dd can’t be arsed with op. IMO op has an abusive dh and dd and needs to tell them both to feck off and see how they cope without her!

Original poster
takenforgrantednana · 15/10/2021 21:34

right im off to bed now, wonder how many times tonight i will be up? lucky if i get 3 hrs sleep in total

OP posts:
JaneDoe21 · 15/10/2021 21:41

24th October.
I remember your other post, as I said then stop doing it. She's already pushing you clearly and making you unwell stressing you out and it's not been very long.

Springplanting · 15/10/2021 21:43

If your family run you into the ground and you suddenly drop dead they WOULD cope.

I recommend you divorce book yourself a Shirley Valentine style holiday with no notice. I'll start you off Flowers Wine

OP, If they really loved you they would put your health and life ahead of their own. Their kids are not your responsibility. Your daughter needs to grow up and get organised, your son inlaw needs to learn some manners and your husband needs to remember 'in sickness and in health' and 'forsaking all others'.

My mum (early widow) had no parents to help when she had us and worked full time and overtime and she organised and paid for childcare. Mum worked bloody hard to fund full child care and on the VERY rare occasions (emergency) she asked friends to step in she never took it for granted because she valued their friendship and provided notice and full consideration.

Put your health first no-one else is. Life is too short xx Smile

DidgeDoolittle · 15/10/2021 22:12

I am your age and have grandchildren. My husband also works.

I help out with childcare if I'm free. I have a busy social life and don't keep myself on hold just in case I'm needed. If I'm free of course I'll help, but if it's a last minute request and I'm busy, no can do.

If a child is ill whilst at school it is their parents responsibility to fetch them, not yours. Just because they dodge out of that responsibility doesn't mean to say you have to pick up the slack.

Get on with your life, do what you want and your daughter will have to fit round it.

Incidentally, I knit and sew. I go to various knitting and sewing groups during the day. If there aren't any local to you, start one. Stick an add in the post office. Meet in a cafe. I started a book group exactly like that.
Good luck.

Notaroadrunner · 15/10/2021 22:27

@takenforgrantednana

"She will also argue when you’re ill" you havent already read my previous post then? ive been ill for the last 12 months, i have copd and heart failure!
You really need to just stop childminding her kids. You have a serious health condition and your 'd'd couldn't give a shit about it. She takes, takes, takes and she and her asshole husband should be ashamed of themselves. Please put yourself first. Do the things you want to do with you life and leave her and her Dh to figure out alternative childcare. Your health and wellbeing is more important than saving them a few quid on childcare.