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Original poster

Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

323 replies

middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:34

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

OP posts:
Staryflight445 · 15/10/2021 16:06

Not only could I not forgive his behaviour, I couldn’t forgive his poor treatment of women either. Paying a women for material for his wank bank, absolutely grim.
You’re well rid.

holibobs12 · 15/10/2021 16:15

@Ledition

If he got a number from someone he met at the pub, and she was sending him video's like this, it absolutely would be cheating, so why is this any different?

Exactly It's no different. It's cheating but men will try and convince their partners it's not "really" cheating but it absolutely is. Fucking vile man. What sort of women do this too?! £18 to degrade yourself like that for some sad prick to squirt over. Something must have gone really wrong in that girl's life.

I thought sex workers were exploited- why are you insulting her?!

Also, 200 viewers, for example paying £18 per month subscriptions... she's probably eating better than you.

holibobs12 · 15/10/2021 16:17

Is there really no good men who don’t need to use women?

Masturbating to women isn't using them. How can anyone complain about pornographers use but also complain about using their imagination? As if women never masturbate or are aroused by anything. Some strange opinions on this site

The husband is using women- but the only fans woman is simultaneously a slut, and if lower value than OP

And no I'm not a man.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 15/10/2021 16:18

Only you know the ins and outs of your relationship, but you absolutely don't have to tolerate this if you don't have to. We've been brainwashed over the last decade or so into thinking we have to be "cool girls" who are ok with porn and "sex work is work", and funnily enough the main beneficiaries of this are always men Hmm personally I'd feel the same as you, absolutely betrayed and furious that he'd wanked away our money.

Don't know if this helps make you feel better, but every single person I know who does Only Fans porn think their subscribers are a joke, and pathetic but they get addicted to the easy money. Whilst it's an ego boost at first that these men find them attractive, they've all said it descends into more and more grotty stuff they're asked to do. I've stopped seeing some friends because of this - they can't see how they're debasing women as a class by giving men whatever they want, whenever they want it, and I'm certainly not going to cheerlead them for doing it.

fantasmasgoria1 · 15/10/2021 16:18

Iny experience they do not stop whatever kind of porn they are into whether it be only fans, adult work, adult films and so on. If you get back with him he will still be doing it so you need to keep that in your mind.

Azerothi · 15/10/2021 16:18

I think, for me, it is the fact your boyfriend is so thick he thinks any of the OF acting is real. That in itself would be a deal-breaker for me, I can't abide utter stupidity.

I work for one of these sites and I can categorically say without exception or hesitation he will be back as soon as the coast is clear.

starrynight87 · 15/10/2021 16:21

He sounds like he's giving excuses rather than truly realising how much he's hurt you.

I wouldn't be able to trust him.

Drinkingallthewine · 15/10/2021 16:22

£400-ish, when a personalised wank costs £18? That's not being curious or experimenting. That's a habit. And one that he probably would have carried on spending money on until you found out.

What stands out to me is he chose someone who resembles you but that he could order her to do what he wants sexually because he holds the financial power over her.

This.
When you think about it, he chose one specific porn method he knew you were strongly against, and he also picked someone who looks like you and paid her to degrade herself for him.

I'd get the ick forever after that. You sound strong, but you are bound to be hurting massively so be kind to yourself and take it a day at a time or an hour at a time - the adrenaline of anger will wear off and you might feel like you've hit a wall so try to have someone to lean on then if you can.

lazylinguist · 15/10/2021 16:31

I think, for me, it is the fact your boyfriend is so thick he thinks any of the OF acting is real.

Thick, sleazy and pathetic, yes. I'm sorry OP - you must be gutted. He's not sorry, is he? He's just sorry he got caught.

LJenn · 15/10/2021 16:31

Genuine question here ... IS she REALLY being exploited though? I wouldn't say so. She would've signed up to this account herself and is in charge of her own finances. Not like your typical porn sites where some of them are abused (in all ways).

I think the point people are trying to make when they "insult" these girls is .. THEY are the ones selling themselves, and for such a low price that they must obviously be desperate, not just for money but for simple attention.

If your thing is to get money by "entertaining" strangers online for money.. whatever, you do you.
I'd never be able to look at my partner the same way ever again if he did that through because it's just .. disgusting.

DILevil · 15/10/2021 16:32

After your last post, how much he thinks interacting with another woman for a wank is normal and justified, just no. He wouldn’t be coming back after the week sorry. We’ll don’t for telling someone and having someone to talk about this.

holibobs12 · 15/10/2021 16:36

@LJenn

Genuine question here ... IS she REALLY being exploited though? I wouldn't say so. She would've signed up to this account herself and is in charge of her own finances. Not like your typical porn sites where some of them are abused (in all ways).

I think the point people are trying to make when they "insult" these girls is .. THEY are the ones selling themselves, and for such a low price that they must obviously be desperate, not just for money but for simple attention.

If your thing is to get money by "entertaining" strangers online for money.. whatever, you do you.
I'd never be able to look at my partner the same way ever again if he did that through because it's just .. disgusting.

I don't think they're exploited either but it's always the first excuse for being anti porn.

I certainly wouldn't want my partner on only fans. But the insults to the sex worker just show where people's minds are. Just jealous and snipey to the woman- she's just exploiting her target market. She doesn't want your husbands!

I've also experienced my partner on OF watching someone he actually knew from uni (but with a same day confession). Not once did I think it was the woman's fault or that she's the sleazy one

EatSleepRantRepeat · 15/10/2021 16:44

Just jealous and snipey to the woman- she's just exploiting her target market. She doesn't want your husbands!

Part of the original thrill for the women I know was that the men want to spend money wanking off to them, even though they had a wife at home. Classic one-upmanship and it happens with the OW in affairs as well. We don't need to be nice about it - it's yet another way of letting men indulge themselves at the expense of their partners and children.

dustofneptune · 15/10/2021 16:49

Ok, so.

OP - it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. What matters is this:

  • Is he someone you can trust implicitly? To always be honest, to be transparent, to have your best interests at heart?
  • Do you have shared values in key areas that matter to you?
  • Is he someone you feel you are financially safe with? (if that is relevant to you in a relationship)

For ME, personally?

I consider OF as a form of porn/fantasy. In my mind, OF feels removed from reality. I don't consider sex work degrading, and I don't consider people that consume porn or pay for OF content to be disgusting. We all sell something. I have no problem with people selling sex as long as they are safe. That's just me.

So, the issue for me would be the lack of transparency. I prefer to be with someone who would say, "Oh? You feel strongly against porn and OnlyFans? See, I totally don't think it's a problem." and then have that conversation.

He had the opportunity to have that conversation when you voiced your opinions regarding the restaurant owner. Instead, he just kept it to himself. Possibly because he feared judgement, or because he knew you wouldn't approve and wanted to do it regardless. But I guess my standard is that in a relationship, I expect my partner to be honest with me about everything - especially when they're afraid to be. Otherwise what is the point?

Good luck OP. Do what's best for you.

Mymapuddlington · 15/10/2021 17:05

to do what she did for £18 certainly smacks of desperation

When I started stripping we got £7.50 for dancing completely naked for men. Some of us were desperate, some genuinely loved it, the money built up so some after the money.

Unsure33 · 15/10/2021 17:07

@VaguelyInteresting

Because if there were no sex workers then they could not do it could they ?

I just feel ( and I am entitled to my opinion) that women can’t moan about men’s attitude to sex and porn and women in general , when women are willing to sell themselves for £18 a time . Like I said young men are exposed to this from an early age so they think it’s acceptable and probably that women love to be treated as objects .

Women can’t have it both ways . And I was not blaming her , just saying because this kind of thing so easily available ( that is the choice of these women) that it has all become normalised.

That’s why women are treated like dirt and without a lot of respect by a LOT of men these days .

I know you disagree , but like I said I am entitled to my opinion as well .

If my partner did this I would treat it like cheating . And no I am not so naive to know 100% that he has not because it is so easy these days . But if I found out ten I would be absolutely fuming and extremely hurt.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/10/2021 17:08

It’s £14.40 once only fans have taken their cut, I believe

youvegottenminuteslynn · 15/10/2021 17:12

I just feel ( and I am entitled to my opinion) that women can’t moan about men’s attitude to sex and porn and women in general , when women are willing to sell themselves for £18 a time

Women can’t have it both ways

You write as if the same women are doing both things which makes this argument nonsense.

As you say though, you're entitled to your opinion even if it's one that blames women for men's behaviour. Tale as old as time.

Salmakia · 15/10/2021 17:16

This is so sad. Ignore all the "sex work is work" noise being dragged into this by the "I'm not like other girls, I'm a cool girl" lot - it is totally irrelevant. He knew your boundaries and views on prostitution via only fans and he ignored your boundaries and disregarded your feelings. He wasted money on this and lied about it for months. You did the right thing kicking him out.

Lightisnotwhite · 15/10/2021 17:18

@holibobs12

Is there really no good men who don’t need to use women?

Masturbating to women isn't using them. How can anyone complain about pornographers use but also complain about using their imagination? As if women never masturbate or are aroused by anything. Some strange opinions on this site

The husband is using women- but the only fans woman is simultaneously a slut, and if lower value than OP

And no I'm not a man.

That’s a difference though in thinking of something specifically arousing and feeling turned on and to months of spending money on another woman.

The point is it’s making the Op feel inadequate and terrible in the relationship. I think her partner needs to get a life rather than making sex such an important factor in it.

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 17:37

This is cheating op.
It was cheating as soon as he actively went out of his way to make personal. He even admits it himself by saying porn is too fake. UM YEAH no shit that is the idea and why people dont consider it a betrayal. The only different between what he done and sleeping with a woman is that it wasnt in person.

BSideBaby · 15/10/2021 17:41

Only you know your situation though. Could you talk to someone who knows you both?

For what reason exactly? There is no conversation to be had here when he's cheated and ruined the relationship. Well done OP for getting rid of the useless prick.

Kittykat93 · 15/10/2021 17:43

@VaguelyInteresting

What *@mermoose* said.

However grim this guy is, why do we need to pull down and drag on the sex worker? Who for all you know, was working on the streets and is on Only Fans because she won’t ACTUALLY run the risk of getting raped and murdered online? Nobody is better than her, whether they’re the OP or a poster.

So many women saying that the bloke is “degrading” this woman by paying her for personalised porn - how about pointing out how degrading some of the comments on here are too?

I’m sorry for what you’re going through OP, your partner sounds like an arse and you’re well shot.

I really detest how these threads go though, and just betray women’s internalised misogyny.

Yeah I agree with this. These women on the whole are doing it because they need the money, not because they enjoy doing it. It's a job at the end of the day. Some of the comments on here slagging the woman off are disgusting. She is a person, you have no idea of the reasons she is doing these videos for money.

RealBecca · 15/10/2021 17:48

You found it, he then deleted it.

Next time he will hide it better.

It gets him off. Sorry. He wont stop.

GoingOutOutNEVER · 15/10/2021 17:52

I don’t see it as being about the woman he’s paying, no matter if she’s blonde and your brunette, she fat your thin etc . For me it’s about the trust I have in him, he’s looking for something this woman provides ie she’s going to tell him she loves anal.. if you don’t..she’ll say degrading vile things to him if that what he wants because he’s paying her for a service.