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AIBU?

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Original poster

Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

323 replies

middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 08:34

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

OP posts:
Original poster
middleofthelittle · 15/10/2021 15:00

Thank you to everyone who has offered support. I called him today and made him give me the passwords. He has deleted everything from the OF account, he says for a "clean break"- bollocks to cover his tracks. So I used the log in to go into his fake email account, there Is probably over £400 spent since April including £80 in one single transaction. He states this was for a 3 month "subscription" but I really don't know if I believe him.

I lost my shit on the phone and explained in depth why this has absolutely gutted me. His explanation was he finds porn "fake" and liked the fact he could find real looking women and what he thought was them really getting off.

I said I found this offensive as he has created a connection and a line of communication with someone else. On normal porn there is no way to speak to them, and everyone gets the same video. With OF he is being made "special" and bringing a third person into the relationship.

He said he has no issues with our sex life, and that he just used it once out of curiosity and then every time he had a wank, instead of using his mind he would use OF.
That does tie in with the statements of it being every week or two he bought a video.

I'm absolutely gutted to be honest as outside of this we have a fantastic relationship. We've been together a long time and I thought we were happy.

I've told him to stay at a friends for at least a week until I make a decision but to be honest I don't know how we can come back from this.

I've spoken with my sister today for support too.

OP posts:
PaperhouseLegs · 15/10/2021 15:03

Grim. That's a no going back situation for me...the lying, deleting the content and the money spent alone are enough for me. What he had watched/said was obviously pretty terrible.

LaBellina · 15/10/2021 15:05

Take all the time you need, OP.
It’s fine if you decide to end your relationship over this. It’s equally fine if you decide to work it out and stay together. I think you’ve definitely done the right thing by showing him the door - for now, at least - so you can take your time to think about if you can see a future for the two of you. Only you can decide this.

shakehandswithdanger · 15/10/2021 15:05

I wouldn't be able to trust someone after this. It would have to be the end.

Poor man, porn's too fake for him and he's too unimaginative to just "use his mind". Must be so difficult for him. Hmm

RunningToHeaven · 15/10/2021 15:06

His excuses are bullshit, remember he’ll be desperate at the moment and say anything to minimise what he has done.
The women on there will think he’s a sad little fuck because that’s what he is. I don’t know you but I feel so bloody angry for you reading this. He’s absolutely disgusting.
You deserve better, don’t settle for this.

SoundBar · 15/10/2021 15:09

God almighty. He will say anything to try and get you back won't he.

2 years from now when he's still single and can't find anyone as amazing as you, he is going to finally realise and regret what he's done.

ILoveJamaica · 15/10/2021 15:11

If he got a number from someone he met at the pub, and she was sending him video's like this, it absolutely would be cheating, so why is this any different?

QuentinBunbury · 15/10/2021 15:17

They are so good at minimising what they've done aren't they.
What he's basically said there is porn isn't real enough for him, he wants an actual sexual experience
AKA he's cheated on you with sex workers

But instead it's all "oh I didn't realise, I thought you wouldn't mind blah blah" to make you feel like YOU have the problem. My ex did this too, its like a script.

Seriously though. How stupid are they if they genuinely think we wouldn't mind this. And if they genuinely thought it - why not just say? "Oh BTW, I thought I'd sign up to only fans because I want to be sure the woman is enjoying what she does, rather than watching porn where it could be fake."
They don't say cos its clearly bollocks and stupid.
Idiot men.

GatoradeMeBitch · 15/10/2021 15:22

to do what she did for £18 certainly smacks of desperation

No, not necessarily. A lot of people who are new on OF set prices low to gain a fanbase. Like OP's DH. She said he'd spent £200 on OF in 6 months and £180 of it on this one woman. So she's getting £30 a month just from him for short video clips. She probably bangs out (so to speak) at least 10-20 in one go.

Then as they gain more viewers they put prices up. It's probably a better money spinner and far safer than standing on a street corner.

Namenic · 15/10/2021 15:24

He knew your stance on it. He did it anyway. What’s to stop him doing it again?

OP - it’s up to you what you do. Whether you want to work on it or break off - there is no right or wrong answer. Both options will require strength and courage. Sending you best wishes.

WithMyEncyclopedia · 15/10/2021 15:25

What stands out to me is he chose someone who resembles you but that he could order her to do what he wants sexually because he holds the financial power over her.

That's the ickiest part, to me. He's acting out his desires.

oakleaffy · 15/10/2021 15:40

Jeez @middleofthelittle
Get rid.
How seedy and depressing.

oakleaffy · 15/10/2021 15:43

@middleofthelittle Our GP had an addiction to sex workers.
Married, young kids, he was arrested after being blackmailed for controlled drugs by the parlour women.
He served time.

Journeyofthedragons · 15/10/2021 15:43

Poor man, porn's too fake for him and he's too unimaginative to just "use his mind". Must be so difficult for him. hmm

Is porn or OF better or worse than him "using his mind" to imagine a female coworker or one of your friends?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/10/2021 15:43

@oiltrader and @JHnut

Stop gaslighting

Op

Would you ever be able to call out his name during sex without the image of that other woman calling out his name in the video coming to your mind?

EspressoDoubleShot · 15/10/2021 15:47

@LampLighter414

I think you need to think this through more and consider making it work OP if he has been fine otherwise.
Why? Why does op have to reach out and be contrite to her feckless partner Consider making it work? Are you seriously suggesting she has to adapt and change to fix this, make him feel better It’s all about @middleofthelittle not her partner
allyjay · 15/10/2021 15:49

Oh god ignore the trolly blokes. It's so obvious they're trolls. Sad fucks

Ledition · 15/10/2021 15:50

I ended a marriage for less. YADefinitelyNBU. It's cheating pure and simple. Stay strong OP you are absolutely doing the right thing. Flowers

refreshingseahorse · 15/10/2021 15:55

YANBU 100%

Also £18 for a video that is going to be out there forever, that you never know when it's going to come back to haunt you, is depressing as hell.

Ledition · 15/10/2021 15:56

If he got a number from someone he met at the pub, and she was sending him video's like this, it absolutely would be cheating, so why is this any different?

Exactly It's no different. It's cheating but men will try and convince their partners it's not "really" cheating but it absolutely is. Fucking vile man. What sort of women do this too?! £18 to degrade yourself like that for some sad prick to squirt over. Something must have gone really wrong in that girl's life.

Bookworm20 · 15/10/2021 15:58

Ignore the what are obviously men on here OP who are just goading for a response.

I hope you're ok, It must have been devastating to find this. What an utter disrespect to you, his partner. I'm glad you've confided in your sister. Its going to be tough, but just remember he put having a wank above what he knew would absolutely devastate you. And did it anyway. not once, but multiple times.

I couldn't come back from this if it were my partner. I'd never want to see his face again.

lazylinguist · 15/10/2021 16:03

I understand where you are coming from but even so its everywhere now. how can men have a normal healthy relationship with sex and their partners when its so easy to "cheat " with on line personal services

Are you for real?! They can do so by not being disgusting, sleazy cheating wankers, that's how. If it's 'so hard' for them not to cheat (awww poor things Hmm), then they don't deserve a girlfriend or wife. Ever.

driftcompatible · 15/10/2021 16:04

Oh OP that's so upsetting. Porn / OnlyFans aside - my concern would be 3 things

  1. That he is fine lying to you and is skilled at it. I wouldn't trust him again.
  2. That he didn't consider it crossing a line - and therefore clearly doesn't have respect for you or your boundaries.
  3. With attitudes 1 & 2, I would be concerned about escalation to cheating / prostitution.

Whatever you decide - remember this is a reflection on HIM and not on YOU.

lazylinguist · 15/10/2021 16:04

Oh and YANBU OP. Obviously. Anyone who tolerates this kind of behaviour from their partner has woefully low standards and/or worryingly poor self-esteem.

IWillFindYou · 15/10/2021 16:04

@Journeyofthedragons

Poor man, porn's too fake for him and he's too unimaginative to just "use his mind". Must be so difficult for him. hmm

Is porn or OF better or worse than him "using his mind" to imagine a female coworker or one of your friends?

Why is it that with men the only options are either bad or even worse?

Is there really no good men who don’t need to use women?