Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

[middleofthelittle]

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

Dirty, filthy, lying good for nothing bastard.

It takes some strength but I'd get rid of my partner if he did this. Fuck that.

*Because if there were no sex workers then they could not do it could they ?

I just feel ( and I am entitled to my opinion) that women can’t moan about men’s attitude to sex and porn and women in general , when women are willing to sell themselves for £18 a time . Like I said young men are exposed to this from an early age so they think it’s acceptable and probably that women love to be treated as objects .

Women can’t have it both ways . And I was not blaming her , just saying because this kind of thing so easily available ( that is the choice of these women) that it has all become normalised*

This is very misogynistic and reductive. Sex work is as old as the hills, women have not always been looked down upon for it. Of course there are many issues around sex work and it's a nuanced issue, but this post was very distressing to read. It's what I'd expect to see on a men's rights activism or incel page.

"Women" are no one homogenous group of people. There are women who turn to sex work for necessity, there are apparently women who feel empowered in sex work, there are women who think it is damaging and there are women who look down on women who do it.

I would ask you to question why you assume there is a correlation between consensual sex work and the right or ability to see women as objects. Do you think those two things naturally fit together, or do you think there is more under the surface that makes people have that opinion?

I have a young female friend who did OnlyFans for a spell this year, it seemed all positive fun and games, however she’s recently confided in me about suffering depression, and it has damaged her view if men if nothing else.

@Salmakia

This is so sad. Ignore all the "sex work is work" noise being dragged into this by the "I'm not like other girls, I'm a cool girl" lot - it is totally irrelevant. He knew your boundaries and views on prostitution via only fans and he ignored your boundaries and disregarded your feelings. He wasted money on this and lied about it for months. You did the right thing kicking him out.

Literally nobody disputed kicking him out just the weird and contradictory attitudes of some posters. Only fans girls don't want your husband, their just taking the money out of his hands, and who can blame them

Not a fucking chance would he be back in my bed after a week.
There is no way I could forgive this deceit

Jesus Christ. Know your worth.

Believe me I can bet she isn't a better version of you!

I bet your prettier and classier

Has he expressed any sorrow for hurting you? Or even shown any interest in how he has made you feel? From your posts it doesn’t seem like it. It’s all about covering his tracks

How can he be a good partner if he doesn’t care how you feel.

i could not come back from this either! Glad you have the house OP, you are well rid. He is disgusting

This is awful, op. No wonder you are upset. I wouldn’t be able to get past this and there’s no reason why you should, either. That’s the risk he took when he repeatedly paid this woman to perform sexual acts for him. Only you get to decide whether you can be ok with this at some point and if you can’t, then he’ll have to accept that if he pays women to finger themselves and send him the video, then you as his partner are entitled to tell him to fuck off.

I don’t think I could get past it either.

Imagine having sex with him, calling out his name, then immediately thinking of the OF woman wanking and calling it out…

🤢🤢

I thought sex workers were exploited- why are you insulting her?!Also, 200 viewers, for example paying £18 per month subscriptions... she's probably eating better than you.

Where did I insult her? I said something must have gone really wrong in her life to degrade herself like that. Plenty of women earn more than me - but that doesn't make any difference when they're selling their dignity down the river to do so! It's sad not admirable and gross that people are trying to normalise it with their "sex work is work" bullshit.

Ive no problem with what people want to do with their life but to me yes its cheating

He picked someone who lookd like you and wanted to talk to because nomral porn is fake?

thats no different to meeting up in the pub and chating them up

his excuses are bullshit and instea dhe should be apologising not minimizing

Hi Ladies [and the blokes pretending ; ]]

I'm a happily married man [teen sweethearts] with kids and decades of fun with them. In all the challenges we all face, these are part of life.

I joined tonight on this forum to ask a two part question.

My assignment was to pick an argument that seemed very one sided and try to present a case for the defence. I thought this was a good example to debate and see if we could, perhaps find something in mitigation for the defence of the indefensible.

I understand the pain when someone let's you down, I don't mean to detract from the personal injury suffered in this instance. I offer that, perhaps in understanding perhaps the mitigations we find some solace.

My two part question, part 1.:

This appears to be part of an online activity, ignoring the details for the moment - let's juts examine what takes place:

Your partner is using the internet as a masturbatory aid.

The question across the forum [please don't respond to the rhetorical question] is who among us has not sinned, perhaps not exactly in this way, or in this method but.....the statistics suggest that there are a healthy percentage of ladies who use the internet in a similar way.

And yes. this is a step over the line, i agree, but we need to acknowledge that it is in fact the same practice of fantasizing over the internet.

I agree the same girl is a hard bite. The financial transaction, that's difficult too. However, how many ladies have paid to see a male stripper in one shape or another on a mad hen night? But that's just a bit of fun.

Here's the Second Part of the Question:

Why does the other girl look like you? Why is he obsessing about someone who is pale refection of you? It's not an insult, it means he's obsessed by you. I know because girls that look like my beautiful wife always seem so appealing to me - strictly monogamous 30y. Its a compliment despite the twisted nature.

I don't condone this, this must be horrible but it might be not quite the unforgiveable, irretrievable predicament as you perceive. Perhaps you have found your frog who is devoted to you.

Give him purpose - only a prosperous man can win your heart. It's kept me working all these years.

Take care of your heart and his.

@Genltemanbloke

My assignment was to pick an argument that seemed very one sided and try to present a case for the defence. I thought this was a good example to debate and see if we could, perhaps find something in mitigation for the defence of the indefensible.

I'll rephrase for you- 'I decided to play devil's advocate.'

That's all very well and good in a hypothetical debate, but this is someone's life. Don't base your advice in this matter on a hypothetical 'assignment' you've given yourself.

OK - that's good. Let's play devils advocate. Thank you.

Does it matter why he says he's been doing this? I don't think so. I think all that matters is you're not OK with it. And of course he knows it's unacceptable hence he's been hiding it.

Don't get sucked into his mind games. It's nothing to do with looks and everything to do with him being so incompetent emotionally that he needs a woman to acquiesce to his every desire even if iteans paying her.

And who would cast the first stone? Are you so virtuous to have not ?

@Genltemanbloke

And who would cast the first stone? Are you so virtuous to have not ?

Mate, this isn't the Bible. If you want to be understood, use modern day sentence construction. (If you speak English as an additional language, I apologise, but the references you're using are still fairly archaic, and your points aren't exactly original.)

From what I can see, your arguments are, 'but nobody's perfect' and 'lots of people use porn'. Neither argument is particularly worth voicing, or countering, in this context.

Please stop taking OP's pain and trying to use it as a platform for your own ends. It's not very gentlemanly. If you want a good debate, choose a different board. Might I suggest Brexit or COVID?

All the best.

Genltemanbloke seldom have I read such a pile of incoherent drivel.

the statistics suggest that there are a healthy percentage of ladies who use the internet in a similar way.

Doubt it. Porn yes, but tons of women in relationships paying some dude to wank for them while calling out their name?! Nah doesn't happen. You're talking shite there.

@Ledition

the statistics suggest that there are a healthy percentage of ladies who use the internet in a similar way.

Doubt it. Porn yes, but tons of women in relationships paying some dude to wank for them while calling out their name?! Nah doesn't happen. You're talking shite there.

Don't engage- he's clearly said he's after an argument and is just playing devil's advocate. Don't give him what he wants.

Honestly I think I’d be a bit hurt but I’m not sure I’d end an otherwise happy relationship over it. I’m sure my husband watches porn (never asked him and not particularly bothered if he does or not) but if he did I think weirdly I’d rather she was fairly compensated for the job! Different people so I can understand you’re reaction but personally I’d just explain why it makes me uncomfortable and give him the chance to cut ties. These days OF is no different to just sticking on porn hub.

These days OF is no different to just sticking on porn hub.
There is a difference between personalised interaction with women on line and watching porn which is the same content whoever is watching.
And in fact on other threads I've been told porn is fine because it's acting.

If you think it's OK for him to pay a woman to record herself wanking for him, is it OK for him to pay her to wank for him in the flesh? What's the difference? Is it the screen that makes the videos OK?

Honestly I don't get the logic. I used to be ok with porn (until it destroyed my marriage) but any kind of direct sexual interaction is cheating to me, regardless of whether its virtual or real life. Paying for it means the man has used sex workers.

@Hillary17

These days OF is no different to just sticking on porn hub.

Genuine question, if a man found out his female partner was on OF getting paid to masturbate on camera in personalised videos... would you consider that different to 'sticking on pornhub'?

It's the same personal, direct interaction as the man paying the woman to do it.

Surely you'd expect the woman in the scenario to get dumped if her male partner found out she was wanking on camera saying peoples names in personalised videos?

Jesus, that didn't take long did it... female OP being supported by female PPs in a space designed for women, and 3.. 2.. 1.. a man plops on to broadcast his manly view, because everyone absolutely must want to hear it. They really can't help themselves.

Hope you're doing OK this morning OP - whatever you've decided overnight or later on, no judgement here and we're here to listen.