Kicked DP out for only fans this morning

[middleofthelittle]

No really sure where to start but looking for some advice on wether I've been unreadable here.

I went up to bed last night abs DP phone was on the floor and he was asleep. There was notification saying new message from a strange app. I have never checked his phone before but never felt the need too but I opened it and he has had an onlyfans account since April. Spent over £200 on there but what has gutted me the most is 90% of it is to the same woman!!
He has been messaging her most weeks, it is absolute vile and has paid for "personal" videos of her saying his name in a sex act. I am absolutely gutted.

What is strange is that she is just a skinner, prettier version of me, but the same looks, age and body type. Why am I not good enough?!

I lay awake until 4am when I couldn't hold it in anymore and confronted him. He admitted it all and said he is sorry ect. We spoke for 3 hours about how and why I am so upset and angry. I explained about my core values and if they don't match his we shouldn't be together.

He has been struggling with depression and has been medicated since January and there has been a big improvement but that does not excuse this!

I told him to pack a bag and not come home from work tonight as I don't want to be anywhere near him. He has packed a overnight bag and went to work.

I just don't know what to do, he says he has never "cheated" in person but that is besides the point. He has used online prostitution and to me that is deep misogyny and not something I would ever accept.

I'm absolutely gutted and unsure wether I have been too harsh in kicking him out?

*Genuine question, if a man found out his female partner was on OF getting paid to masturbate on camera in personalised videos... would you consider that different to 'sticking on pornhub'?

It's the same personal, direct interaction as the man paying the woman to do it.

Surely you'd expect the woman in the scenario to get dumped if her male partner found out she was wanking on camera saying peoples names in personalised videos?*

Oohhh that's a good question! Bet that scenario would invoke a entirely different response from these people.

Surely you'd expect the woman in the scenario to get dumped if her male partner found out she was wanking on camera saying peoples names in personalised videos?

If it wasn't something they had agreed between them as being acceptable and if the male partner considered it to be a dealbreaker for him, then yes, I would expect her to get dumped.

The only thing that matters is whether the people involved find the scenario acceptable or not. The OP does not and has chosen to kick DP out because it crosses a boundary for her.

Other people's opinions on what she should do are irrelevant, as are other similar scenarios or scenarios involving the female partner doing stuff online.

Well yes fum That's what you would think would be reasonable. But for some reason these threads attract posters who seem to think men's wanking preferences should override women's reasonable boundaries. It's odd.

My assignment was to pick an argument that seemed very one sided and try to present a case for the defence.

No-one gives a fuck about your self set assignments.

Since you haven't been in this position (and are extremely unlikely to ever be), and even if you were, it wouldn't be the same because the sex industry is in vert large part aboit females being "service providers" and makes buyers, with a big dollop of exploitation in the mix.. .. you're clueless.

*males

Other people's opinions on what she should do are irrelevant

They're not.

Ops often come on here for a poll of opinions, abd the poll (Even if not in avoting format) helps them in vindicating or reassessing their stance. That is very useful.

In this case the informal poll seems to have thoroughly vindicated op's understandable stance.

@Hillary17

Honestly I think I’d be a bit hurt but I’m not sure I’d end an otherwise happy relationship over it. I’m sure my husband watches porn (never asked him and not particularly bothered if he does or not) but if he did I think weirdly I’d rather she was fairly compensated for the job! Different people so I can understand you’re reaction but personally I’d just explain why it makes me uncomfortable and give him the chance to cut ties. These days OF is no different to just sticking on porn hub.

Sorry but I disagree.

The videos on porn hub are for everyone to see, they are not specially made for one person. The actresses use fake names, are not contactable and there is some level of professionalism. It is shot in a studio usually in a different country, it has been watched 10000's of times and there is no connection between viewer and payment. The viewer does not direct the set.

Only fans, is personally; you can message and chat. The woman said she can't do a video until Tuesday as she's on period. Why did my partner need to know that? Have that level of closeness. She wanted him to feel special, feel in her inner circle, knows thing other people don't. Feel wanted. They chatted, they talked. He asked how she was and what she has been doing. The had a connection.
That quickly turns to sexual context, she asked HIM what does HE want.
He directed the set.
He chose to have his name said, in what position and in what sex act. He might aswell have been there. He then paid for it, his choice, his money, on his bank statement straight into hers. She profited directly from him, therefore she obviously made more conversation with him as she wanted his money. And he, choice to continue that for months as he could direct the set. He could chat and he could connect. He can contact her at any time, she has a instagram, she has OF account, she has Twitter. He can check in on her, see what she's doing. He can use her again on OF very very easily.

For me I know who she is, where's she from, I've been on her instagram and saw 100's of perfectly shot photos of her perfect arsehole in a thong. Knowing that they had connected and shared a sexual experience that he directed and paid for. It is exactly the same, if not worse than cheating as he paid for it.

So no sorry, I disagree. Porn and OF are worlds apart.

@Genltemanbloke

"My job for tonight" - who are you paid from? The weirdo police.
Nothing you said was helpful. You were trying too hard to sound intelligent.
Also, You can reply to threads without a) talking biblical and b) stating your a man to try and validate your argument

middle That's brutal, I'm so sorry
You are better without that idiot in your life. He didn't love you,if he did there's no way he could treat you like that.

@Genltemanbloke the devil has enough advocates thank you very much. A casual glance at the world confirms this. Whereas there are precious few people who are willing to go up to bat for honesty, virtue and values.

There are too many servants of lust and not enough masters of love.

What world do we live in where someone earns a living by fingering themselves on camera for 18 bloody quid.

I mean, what's wrong with the men who are paying for this shit? What's going through your head when you pay someone £18 to say your name on camera. I mean why????

@Genltemanbloke

Hi Ladies [and the blokes pretending ; ]]

I'm a happily married man [teen sweethearts] with kids and decades of fun with them. In all the challenges we all face, these are part of life.

I joined tonight on this forum to ask a two part question.

My assignment was to pick an argument that seemed very one sided and try to present a case for the defence. I thought this was a good example to debate and see if we could, perhaps find something in mitigation for the defence of the indefensible.

I understand the pain when someone let's you down, I don't mean to detract from the personal injury suffered in this instance. I offer that, perhaps in understanding perhaps the mitigations we find some solace.

My two part question, part 1.:

This appears to be part of an online activity, ignoring the details for the moment - let's juts examine what takes place:

Your partner is using the internet as a masturbatory aid.

The question across the forum [please don't respond to the rhetorical question] is who among us has not sinned, perhaps not exactly in this way, or in this method but.....the statistics suggest that there are a healthy percentage of ladies who use the internet in a similar way.

And yes. this is a step over the line, i agree, but we need to acknowledge that it is in fact the same practice of fantasizing over the internet.

I agree the same girl is a hard bite. The financial transaction, that's difficult too. However, how many ladies have paid to see a male stripper in one shape or another on a mad hen night? But that's just a bit of fun.

Here's the Second Part of the Question:

Why does the other girl look like you? Why is he obsessing about someone who is pale refection of you? It's not an insult, it means he's obsessed by you. I know because girls that look like my beautiful wife always seem so appealing to me - strictly monogamous 30y. Its a compliment despite the twisted nature.

I don't condone this, this must be horrible but it might be not quite the unforgiveable, irretrievable predicament as you perceive. Perhaps you have found your frog who is devoted to you.

Give him purpose - only a prosperous man can win your heart. It's kept me working all these years.

Take care of your heart and his.

What a prick.

100's of perfectly shot photos of her perfect arsehole

That is absolutely cheating, and it is so personal and intimate. I couldn't come back from that.

My assignment was to pick an argument that seemed very one sided and try to present a case for the defence

LOL what a pretentious little person you are.

@Genltemanbloke

My assignment was to pick an argument that seemed very one sided and try to present a case for the defence

Mate, join a debate club instead of trying to convince women that it's flattering their partner paid to watch someone else fingering themselves if them look like them because 'It's not an insult, it means he's obsessed by you.'

Spoiler alert - it's not flattering for someone to be obsessed by us. We want to be loved, respected, valued equals. We don't think Nigel is a nice bloke because the young woman he's paying to wank on camera is brunette like us.

What an absolute creep.

@BSideBaby

Only you know your situation though. Could you talk to someone who knows you both?

For what reason exactly? There is no conversation to be had here when he's cheated and ruined the relationship. Well done OP for getting rid of the useless prick.

Because she's asking advice and we don't know either of them. It's not up to us to say how she should feel.

No way is she better than you! She is a prostitute who plays with herself on camera for whatever man is paying her! He has paid £200 so far that you have discovered. Probably has spent more than that which he hasn't admitted to! Well done on sticking to your guns and chucking him out!!

This is not about the OF worker, the person who let down op is her partner
The OF woman really doesn’t need this derision, she’s not the one who was in relationship with op or broke promises

@EspressoDoubleShot

This is not about the OF worker, the person who let down op is her partner The OF woman really doesn’t need this derision, she’s not the one who was in relationship with op or broke promises

No she wasn't. However; She is complicit in this misogynistic driven bullshit. She is complicit in ridiculous body standards. She is complicit in the orgasm gap between men and women by faking what women like in sex. She is complicit in the rise of sexual violence. She is complicit in enabling men to have power over women. She is complicit in making online prostitution normalised. She is complicit in making women a purchasable object.

I have saw her house and saw her posts. This is not a woman in poverty trying to feed her children or to fund a drug habit. They have my upmost sympathy for being in such a desperate situation. This is woman who is willing to sell her soul to misogyny for pure greed.

So no it is not harmless and no it is not 100% the men. She is accountable too for the systemic issues it causes.

Your partner deserves the derision, absolutely
The OF girl. No. Her choices and profession are risky and unpalatable
She’s not very security savvy if you identified her location

Your list, well it’s not a clear cut cause and effect. Again object of your derision is your boyfriend

She is complicit in this misogynistic driven bullshit. No, that’s blaming women for the culture & ideology we have as a society. She’s Partially not wholly complicit.

She is complicit in ridiculous body standards. NO. Eating disorders,body dysmorphia, low self image are triggered by external cues. I don’t strive to attain that soft focus look it’s not got universal appeal

She is complicit in the orgasm gap between men and women by faking what women like in sex.NO. Women need to speak up, feel confident to say or guide what we want/need to reach orgasm. Frankly She’s working and part of that is fake,with accompanying fake noise and reaction. Frankly if a man and his partner cannot discuss what’s pleasurable then it’s not her fault for being a bad ohhhh yea baby actress

She is complicit in the rise of sexual violence. NO. Men are. She has not caused violence, it’s not a straightforward cause and effect. Husbands, brothers,Dads many with seemingly nice jobs and lives they’re the perpetrator not the OF woman. Some men cannot distinguish what the see in screen from real life. That’s their problem they need to adddress their dysfunctional behaviour

She is complicit in enabling men to have power over women. Arguably some of the power is hers. She’s the girl fleecing mugs like your boyfriend for money. Men have power because institutionally and socially it’s reinforced

She is complicit in making online prostitution normalised. It’s not normalised, it still seen as a bit edgy and certainly not openly talked about. Challenged I imagine most men would deny using it frequently

She is complicit in making women a purchasable object. She selling a service for profit she’s the purchase, not me. Site like OF and sugar daddy tap into the transactional aspect of relationships.

I cannot get overly aerated about her tbh

Long hard look? Examine your language whore isn’t an acceptable term

@EspressoDoubleShot

I said she is complicit - by definition "involved with others in an activity that is unlawful or morally wrong."

Not wholly accountable like your reply is aiming at.

I have not once said that men are not the issue, I have not once slated her or insulted her personally.

I have been absolutely FAIR to the woman who has been involved in the worst emotional pain I have ever felt. He is fully accountable for this, both on a personal and systematic level. But no I cannot discount that she is not partly involved for this issue as a whole.

I'm sure you, not emotionally involved, not sat here upset, heartbroken after the worst few days of your life and can comment on my life with such clarity. Well done you.

I am trying to understand how my entire life has been flipped upside down.

Honestly. read the room.