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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

5yr old dropped baby

333 replies

MrsMummyMouse · 14/10/2021 16:27

Not really an AIBU but I am fuming and need help/calming down before I act (again)….but feel free to tell me if you think IABU if you so wish.

I was washing up in the kitchen while DD2 (3months) in her swing & DD1 (5) in the front room right opposite. I hear DD1 a couple of times say “and back down”, assuming she means the swing I pop my head back expecting to see them ‘playing’ as usual except I see DD2 slightly lifted by DD1 arms which she quickly removes sending DD2 flying back down in her swing. This is obviously what she was doing with the “and down again”, lifting her up and dropping her down!! I was so shocked/mad I screamed at DD1 and pulled her away to the stairs and told her I didn’t want to see her and she should go to her room. DD2 seems ok but god knows how many times she was dropped back Sad. DD2 is our long tried for/awaited rainbow baby so maybe I was too much and overreacted? I’m not sure though so need to know how I deal with DD1 now?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 14/10/2021 16:38

She didn’t drop her, she leaned her forward and let her fall

Was she crying? No

Yabu. Go and apologise to your dd

HerRoyalWitchyness · 14/10/2021 16:39

For fucks sake she's 5. She meant no harm.
My ikder brother gave me a fruit pastille the first day I came home from hospital. Mum had bought him some sweets and gone to make me a bottle as I was crying my brother decided to share my mum heard me stop crying and came to check and found a black fruit pastille in my mouth. She just calmly explained babies cant have Sweeties because they might choke. I'm sure she was worried sick though. But you don't scream at little children for doing something trying to be helpful.

Stickystickystick · 14/10/2021 16:39

I think if the 3 month old wasn't crying then she's totally fine. It might be difficult for your 5 year old to understand she was a bit too rough so you need to explain this to her

olderthanyouthink · 14/10/2021 16:40

@DillyDilly

You go and apologise to your DD1 and explain you got a fright when you saw her lifting her sister and that babies are very fragile, etc. And show her how to play with her sister gently. Was the baby not strapped into the swing ? Obviously, don’t leave the two along together in a room for the next while.

I would imagine your baby is fine but if you have any doubts, seek medical advice.

Exactly this
YoComoManzanas · 14/10/2021 16:40

Oh that must have been a big shock.
I was unable to leave my 2 alone together until they were older. His big brother was 2yo and liked to try and wrestle and smack the baby. They are mostly best brothers now since ds2 could interact better. Except the usual squabbling of course.
Baby must come into the room with you. Baby bouncer is handy for moving around the house. Dd1 didn't know she was doing anything wrong.
I cant quite figure out what happened was she dropping baby into the swing from a height or over swinging the swing?
As the grown up in charge you clearly can't leave them alone in the same room together.
Explain to dd1 why you were upset and make up with her. Then show her the correct ways she can play with dd2. Such as tickling toes/ peekaboo. This will need a lot of reinforcement until dd2 is a bit more robust.
I think you need to be careful you are not favouring the baby. Siblings without rivalry is an excellent book to give some ideas how not to play them off against each other.
Good luck.

Perhaps calm down. Has Baby been checked over by a medic?

MichelleScarn · 14/10/2021 16:40

Sorry but absolutely awful, yes absolutely calm down before you see her again. Unless what you want is for your 5 yo to feel absolutely usurped and unwanted. "I don't want to see you" and made to leave the room.

IWantT0BreakFree · 14/10/2021 16:41

You seriously left your 5 year old unattended with a tiny baby and then screamed at her and told her you didn't want to see her (wtf!) because she played too rough? She is 5. Of course she isn't responsible enough to understand where the limits are. She was just trying to play and be affectionate with her sister.

If the baby had got hurt while no adult was present, that would be on you entirely (or whatever adult should have been in charge at the time). It's wrong to mistreat a small child because you fucked up.

If this has left you so "fuming" that you need help from internet strangers to calm down before you "act again" against your older daughter, then you genuinely need professional help. I'm being serious. Being a mum to a young baby is hard and it sounds like you've been through the mill but it doesn't excuse abusive behaviour towards your older child. You need to apologise and make it right with her.

We all fuck up sometimes. You have to acknowledge it, apologise and take steps to prevent the same thing happening again.

Crunchingleaf · 14/10/2021 16:43

YABU 5 year old was trying to play with three month old. You over reacted and owe 5 year old and apology and next time don’t leave them alone together/show 5 year old how to play in a safe manner.

LynetteScavo · 14/10/2021 16:43

If the baby wasn't crying it couldn't have been that rough, surely?

Yes, you over reacted. Yes you need to apologise to your 5yo and explain (again) who delicate babies are. We all over react sometimes when we have a shock (well, I do) - go and give your 5yo a hug.

esloquehay · 14/10/2021 16:43

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tintodeverano2 · 14/10/2021 16:43

DD2 is our long tried for/awaited rainbow baby so maybe I was too much and overreacted? I’m not sure though so need to know how I deal with DD1 now?

So what is your dd1, nothing to you? Yeah you overreacted, and you need to learn that both of your children should be equal, not one favourite because you had a tough time before they arrived. Your poor dd1, saying that you don't want to see her is confirming to her in her eyes that baby is favoured. Perhaps explain to her that she needs to be careful with the baby, you having an outburst like that is more likely to make her act against the baby as she will resent them.

Soontobe60 · 14/10/2021 16:43

Absolutely awful response on your part OP. You left a child alone with a baby, unsupervised, then screamed at her because she played with the baby.
I do hope, for your children’s sake, you make better parenting decisions from now on.

HavfrueDenizKisi · 14/10/2021 16:43

You said you didn't want to see her. Shock

Bloody hell your poor DD1. Yes you've massively over reacted and created a huge issue for your older daughter now.

I'm taking it DD2 is actually perfectly fine.

namechange30455 · 14/10/2021 16:44

She's 5 for fucks sake.

You got a fright but leaving her alone out of sight with a 3mo is 100 percent your poor judgement not hers. She was just playing and you haven't even explained why what she was doing was wrong, just yelled at her that you "don't want to see her". I bet the poor kid is devastated.

NashvilleQueen · 14/10/2021 16:44

Also the title thread is massively misleading in light of what actually happened.

I feel sad for your five year old daughter.

If you don't supervise your children (and heaven knows I'm not judging you for not standing over them 24/7) you definitely can't blame a young child if things go wrong.

AmyDudley · 14/10/2021 16:45

Poor little girl - she won't do it again, she may well steer clear of her little sister, what a shame for both of them.

When my DD was a very young baby her 5year old brother carried her downstairs - he'd heard her crying in her cot, obviously it could have been disasterous, but it wasn't. he said 'Mummy the baby was crying so I brought her down' and I said 'Oh thank you darling that's so sweet of you, but maybe next time if you here her crying give mummy a shout because she can get a bit wriggly and difficult to carry on the stairs'
So he didn't bring her down again, but he stayed caring and loving towards her and they are both adults now.

Show your little girl a more gentle way to play, and tell her dropping into the chair is a bit too bouncy for the baby, but she really loves it when DD1 sings to her or shows her toys or whatever.

My DD was a rainbow baby, but both my children are equally precious and it was my job to foster a loving relationship between them. Sounds like your DD1 loves to play with her little sister - that's great, praise her for her loving attention and explain the need for a little more gentleness.

Soubriquet · 14/10/2021 16:45

Perhaps calm down. Has Baby been checked over by a medic?

Why? Doesn’t sound like baby needs a medic

Toottooot · 14/10/2021 16:46

Your 5 year old should not have the responsibility of looking after a 3 month old - fucking hell. Your 5 year old does not deserve to be punished. Way to reinforce that the baby is your golden child. Poor child.

sillysmiles · 14/10/2021 16:46

I’m not sure though so need to know how I deal with DD1 now?

By realising that 1) she wasn't dropped. 2) DD1 was only playing 3) you got a fright but that doesn't mean your reaction was appropriate.

Take a deep breath and realise your little girl needs a hug and for her mom not to scream at her for something that she has no idea what she did wrong.

It is normal I would think to be anxious, but nothing wrong happened here. Try not to spin into a "what could have gone wrong" scenario. It will do you no good.

user1471517900 · 14/10/2021 16:46

I'm hoping this gets a deletion message and someone hasn't actually done this. That poor 5 year old.

KurtWilde · 14/10/2021 16:47

Your poor 5 year old. I'm assuming your 3 month old hasn't come to any harm? I suggest you 'deal' with it by apologising to your DD1 and explaining in a calm way that she shouldn't be lifting the baby out of the swing.

fancyfrogs · 14/10/2021 16:47

Bloody hell. Your poor dd1

thevassal · 14/10/2021 16:47

What do you mean 'deal with her?' I would apologise for screaming at her and being so aggressive, gently explain you were worried and how fragile a baby is, not like a doll.

The size and strength difference between you and a 5 y/o is probably proportionate, if not more than between a 5y/o and a baby, but you are an adult and should have been able to control yourself screaming, and pulling at her, whereas she wouldn't understand she could hurt the baby.

If you're that worried about DD2 being injured you should have taken her straight to A&E not wasted your time screaming at a child and then posting on MN. Either you're worried she's injured or you're not, in which case your reaction was completely out of proportion for something that was done without any malice or understanding.

MrsTulipTattsyrup · 14/10/2021 16:48

Direct your anger at yourself, for not watching your baby. Not a small child who doesn’t realise what she’s being held responsible for.

A five year old doesn’t know babies are fragile. She clearly wasn’t deliberately trying to hurt the baby (though you run the risk that she might, now you’ve made it clear which of your children you favour).

You need to be really careful that you don’t allow your precious first child to feel you love her less - always the case when a new baby arrives, and even more in this case where you are investing your poor second child with a lot of your own emotional baggage.

Original poster
MrsMummyMouse · 14/10/2021 16:49

Ok, I’ve overreacted. Fuck! Thanks for setting me straight. I will see to DD1 now and apologise.

Just to settle for those that asked. DD1 had her arms behind DD2 back and she was lifted up from her swing, then DD1 moved her arms so DD1 fell back into the swing. Not too high up/down but still she’s a baby and I panicked

OP posts:
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