5yr old dropped baby

[MrsMummyMouse]

Not really an AIBU but I am fuming and need help/calming down before I act (again)….but feel free to tell me if you think IABU if you so wish.

I was washing up in the kitchen while DD2 (3months) in her swing & DD1 (5) in the front room right opposite. I hear DD1 a couple of times say “and back down”, assuming she means the swing I pop my head back expecting to see them ‘playing’ as usual except I see DD2 slightly lifted by DD1 arms which she quickly removes sending DD2 flying back down in her swing. This is obviously what she was doing with the “and down again”, lifting her up and dropping her down!! I was so shocked/mad I screamed at DD1 and pulled her away to the stairs and told her I didn’t want to see her and she should go to her room. DD2 seems ok but god knows how many times she was dropped back . DD2 is our long tried for/awaited rainbow baby so maybe I was too much and overreacted? I’m not sure though so need to know how I deal with DD1 now?

@MrsMummyMouse

Shit, I’m now panicking that I might be just like him. How do I do better and get it to come naturally??

I think you've been brave and honest in taking these comments on board. If you didn't have good parenting it's going to be harder for you. Well done for posting. I'm wondering whether your health visitor or gp might be able to recommend a parenting class. If you can afford it (because it's not cheap) I'd suggest going for psychotherapy to help deal with the fallout from having an abusive father. There must be some good books on parenting out there, otherwise. Your baby will be fine and DD1 will benefit from some extra attention

You calm yourself acknowledge that this was a shit moment, apologise to your 5 year old - explain that she needs to be gentle with the new baby but the way you reacted was wrong and that you are very sorry and work to make sure it doesn't happen again. You don't dwell on it or bring it up again after that, if you find yourself regularly becoming frustrated/quick to anger then seek some help but this just sounds like a one off mistake that ALL parents make at some point in one shape or form. There is not one parent on the planet who can honestly say they have always been proud of their parenting decisions we are all human.

It's also a little harsh for people telling you to supervise the baby, yes in an ideal world they shouldn't have been left alone but again we all do things that could potentially lead to harm, most of us are lucky and that never happens or harm is minimal like a crayon on the wall but sometimes things go very badly wrong in ways we would never imagine. I know someone who thought her 3 year old was napping whilst her 4 month old slept in a moses basket, she went to answer a door and the 3 year old pulled the moses basket over because she wanted to see her baby brother. (He was absolutely fine by the way but the mother was mortified and felt guilty for a very, very long after that).

Everyone overreacts when they are shocked and a baby is involved. Never leave children alone with a baby, even if she was older it still wouldn’t be appropriate, children do stupid stuff and all’s it takes is one time for serious damage to occur. I have 3 SS and even the eldest (who is 13) I wouldn’t leave alone for even a second with a baby. Maybe try a sling so you can still get on with things? Or leave daughter in living room and bring baby in swing with you?

Apologise to your eldest daughter and explain why. You definitely overreacted but I don’t think I would call you an abusive parent based off this one incident.

Think it's time to stop the pile-on now, OP has acknowledged she overreacted, I'm sure we all have at one point, through fear or panic.

@MrsMummyMouse have you comforted your 5yo yet and explained yourself to her? Admit you did wrong, lots of hugs then maybe show her a safe game she can play with her sister, someone upthread suggested peek-a-boo, that's perfect for their ages.

If anything like this happens again, take a deep breath and count to ten before you react. You're not an awful parent, you're human and you've made a mistake today. Acknowledge, apologise and show your eldest how much you love her.

I don't really understand what you mean by dropping the baby back into the swing, I presumed a baby would be strapped in to anything like that so it can't be much of a drop?

But anyway YOU are unreasonable for leaving children unattended. You should never leave a baby unattended with a young child who could potentially hurt it. A 5 year old wouldn't know any better.

You overreacted but you obviously know that now.

I do understand the rainbow baby thing, and I hope I don't sound too callous, but I think you need to stop it, or it's going to cause your older daughter issues.

I've seen it happen with a family member and the older child has definitely got a sense that they aren't as special or as wanted as the "magical rainbow baby" sibling, rainbows adorned the nursery and all of the baby's clothes, the child was introduced to people in much the same way that you introduced your daughter in your post. She's still doing it and the baby is now a 5 year old and clearly the favourite.

@MrsMummyMouse

DD2 is not favoured, I was just trying to explain that we struggled to have a second child and was trying to express it in few words to get to the point.

I had an abusive dad and genuinely thought I was a good mum until reading some of these replies. I honestly do want to be the best for my kids

I don't imagine your Dad ever asked himself this question. The fact that you are asking means you are a good mum and you just need a bit of help. If you can afford it talking to a therapist might help?

I had an abusive parent and it's really, really hard to get some ingrained reactions out of your system and in perspective, and I'm not sure other people realise how difficult it can be.

Give your little girl a lovely cuddle and start again.

You panicked and overreacted a bit. Go and apologise for your reaction but remind her that babies are easily hurt and she shouldn't ever lift her when you're not in the room.

@Rheia1983

I find your actions massively unreasonable and bordering on abuse.

You left the children alone, so anything that could have happened is on you. A five year old is a child who has little to no capacity to judge risk or carry responsibility for her actions.

That you do not seem to realise this and are capable of screaming at your 5 year old child and telling her to get out of your sight makes me feel worried for the wellbeing of the children in general.

This is uncalled for. OP had a fright and she has said she will talk to her dd1 and explain. Why are you having such a pop at her? She’s explained herself ffs. Yes she overreacted but she’s acknowledged that. Jeez calling her abusive is just awful. Do you know what abuse is?

She is only 5
When I was 3 I filled up my newborn sisters mouth with dolly mixture when my mum turned her back for a minute. Cue panicked mum emptying sisters mouth and desperately checking for anything swallowed. No harm done thankfully, but I obviously didn't mean any harm or have a clue what I was doing, I told mum I was sharing. As I was so little mum just said she explained about babies not being able to eat sweets and just milk. You need to go and apologise for shouting and explain why she needs to be careful and not pick up the baby without mum or dad around. We all lose our rag at times especially when worried so calm down and go and have a cuddle with your daughter.

OP I think you need to step away from this post and take a breath. You clearly over reacted to the initial incident but in a matter of minutes now we have gone from what do I do to I had an abusive father to I’m just like him how do I change.
Go sort out DD1. Then get a cup of whatever and calmly read through these replies.
One incident does not make you an abusive parent. Where is the children’s father in all this?

Ah lads, can we stop sticking the boot in.

The OP had a mistake. She over reacted. She had gone and talked to her DD1 (I assume based on her update). She has a 3 month old, so I'm assuming little sleep. I'm guessing the time between DD1 and DD2 was pretty traumatic. Today she got a fright.

@ OP I do think you need to deal with any anxiety you have over something catastrophic happening to DD2 because of difficulties in getting to this stage?

If you are concerned over your parenting, maybe someone could suggest useful parenting resources.

Omg this made me tear up! The 5yo was only playing with her baby sister, she wasnt being mean to the baby, you need to go say sorry and give her a cuddle and show her the correct way to play and help with her sister

Apologise to your 5yo. I could understand being angry if she was deliberately hurting the baby but she was playing. Have you told her clearly not to touch the baby if you're not in the room?

You’ve dealt with this horrifically. You left a baby unattended with a 5 year old and the child is the one that gets shouted at for trying to play? Take a look at yourself.

Hugs OP. You’ve had a fright. Mistakes happen, that’s how we learn. Some cuddles and quality time with your 5 year old and she will forget all about it. 💗 Please don’t sit here and read endless replies saying the same thing now though - what’s happened has happened and you clearly love your children. No need to question your entire childhood as a result of one isolated event. You’re doing the best you can.

@MrsMummyMouse

DD2 is not favoured, I was just trying to explain that we struggled to have a second child and was trying to express it in few words to get to the point.

I had an abusive dad and genuinely thought I was a good mum until reading some of these replies. I honestly do want to be the best for my kids

You can be a good mum and still have shit moments, but you need to acknowledge it was a shit moment, apologise and take steps to make sure it doesn't happen again. You want to teach your 5 year old to be kind, gentle and patient with her younger sibling, and children won't learn kindness and gentleness from being screamed at.

Go and give her a big cuddle and explain how you were frightened but you were completely wrong to react how you did and you're sorry. Then consider if this is a one off you can learn from yourself or if this incident is part of a bigger picture of you losing your temper with DD. If you feel this is something you need help with then think what support you could access to improve things.

I don't think it will help to beat yourself up OP, it is done and you are going to learn from it. I think when you have another baby it is easy to think that the first is more grown-up than they actually are because compared to the little baby they seem that way but in reality your 5yo is only a very small child and there was no malicious intent in what she was doing.

Going forward just supervise better and if you feel like you might lose it again take a step back and remind yourself how little your 5yo is and she is just learning how to be a big sister. This is a new situation for her too, she has no idea what you can and can't do with babies it is up to you to supervise and nuture a safe loving relationship between them.

How do you be a better mum? I'd probably start with not believing all the hysterical answers you see here on this thread!

She was doing something she shouldn't. You got a bit of a fright. You told her off and barked at her

Just explain why we don't play roughly with babies, don't leave them together in this way and honestly - forget about it

No harm done

You don’t know how to deal with dd5?? What you do is give her a huge cuddle and as many kisses as she will allow you to and apologise. Lots. Explain you were scared she had hurt the baby (but presumably baby wasn’t crying or you would’ve been alerted earlier). Your poor eldest daughter. My heart is sore for her, she must be feeling so upset and unloved.

Thank you for the book recommendations/help. I didn’t think I had anything to ‘unpack’ in regards to my dad but perhaps I do. I actually have a HV appt coming up so I will discuss it to her, even if it was a one off it can’t hurt I suppose