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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

5yr old dropped baby

333 replies

MrsMummyMouse · 14/10/2021 16:27

Not really an AIBU but I am fuming and need help/calming down before I act (again)….but feel free to tell me if you think IABU if you so wish.

I was washing up in the kitchen while DD2 (3months) in her swing & DD1 (5) in the front room right opposite. I hear DD1 a couple of times say “and back down”, assuming she means the swing I pop my head back expecting to see them ‘playing’ as usual except I see DD2 slightly lifted by DD1 arms which she quickly removes sending DD2 flying back down in her swing. This is obviously what she was doing with the “and down again”, lifting her up and dropping her down!! I was so shocked/mad I screamed at DD1 and pulled her away to the stairs and told her I didn’t want to see her and she should go to her room. DD2 seems ok but god knows how many times she was dropped back Sad. DD2 is our long tried for/awaited rainbow baby so maybe I was too much and overreacted? I’m not sure though so need to know how I deal with DD1 now?

OP posts:
Lightswitch123 · 14/10/2021 22:14

@SnackSizeRaisin

She's 5. It's your fault not your daughter's. Anyway the baby would be crying if it was too forceful.
Agreed
Phelicity · 14/10/2021 22:50

Give this poor woman a break. Many of us have had moments like this, and we’ve, yes, over-reacted because of shock & worry. OP, I’m sure both of your children are ok, and there has been no lasting damage done either physically or emotionally. You’ve taken steps to put things right. You aren’t a bad or inadequate mother, you’re normal & occasionally fallible, like the rest of us.

Paperplain · 14/10/2021 22:55

The OP took points onboard and has apologised to DD1 and seeking resources. Give her a break.

Menmy3 · 14/10/2021 22:58

You’re lucky she wants anything to do with the baby if this is how you go off! Sort yourself out!

CuteGirlsWatchMeEatEther · 14/10/2021 23:00

A lot of commenters here seem to have anger issues worse than your own, op. I don’t buy they’re the kind of people that keep their temper around children.
If your baby wasn’t crying or distressed and your older daughter isn’t distressed at being yelled at then just move on. Download the resources others have posted, maybe speak to GP about referral for therapy.

nanbread · 14/10/2021 23:02

What I will add OP, is that I'm almost certain your 5yo will be aware that picking up and dropping the baby was not a good idea and was not an ok / fun thing to do. I'll bet that you've had many conversations with her about being v gentle etc.

That doesn't mean she is able to control her impulse to do so, or should be punished for doing so, she cannot help it - but I wanted to point that out, because I would guess that on some level your older daughter is dealing with some tricky feelings about having a sibling and this is her way of expressing them.

LJenn · 15/10/2021 05:55

Posters: Oh my goodness OP the way you treated your child is deplorable. How DARE you be so cruel. You should be ashamed!!!

Also posters: You are absolutely scum of the earth! I don't know how you look at yourself in the mirror.

See the irony here...?? Get some perspective people it was a bad overreaction. As if the lot of you are perfect 100% of the time.

OP if you're genuinely concerned about anger then talk to someone. If this was a once off, and DD1 is happy, KNOWS she's loved, and you understand that it can't keep happening .. then lesson learned.

Pancakeorcrepe · 15/10/2021 06:38

I don’t understand why people are saying this is a pile on.
Yes she reacted in the heat of the moment, but then came on here saying she is fuming and how to deal with her five year old! Zero awareness! And in the subsequent posts she doesn’t seem all that regretful or mortified so I don’t understand why people say “read the previous posts”. They don’t absolve of anything. I read the first post and was shocked at the treatment of the five year old and lack of awareness. Plus the favouritism. There are a lot of issues in one post. I’m glad OP will seek treatment, it’s necessary, and hopefully the impact on the five year old can be reversed.
If it were a man acting like this, people would never minimise it this way with “heat of the moment” stuff. It’s a classic excuse for an abuser.

mummyh2016 · 15/10/2021 07:22

@Pancakeorcrepe

I don’t understand why people are saying this is a pile on. Yes she reacted in the heat of the moment, but then came on here saying she is fuming and how to deal with her five year old! Zero awareness! And in the subsequent posts she doesn’t seem all that regretful or mortified so I don’t understand why people say “read the previous posts”. They don’t absolve of anything. I read the first post and was shocked at the treatment of the five year old and lack of awareness. Plus the favouritism. There are a lot of issues in one post. I’m glad OP will seek treatment, it’s necessary, and hopefully the impact on the five year old can be reversed. If it were a man acting like this, people would never minimise it this way with “heat of the moment” stuff. It’s a classic excuse for an abuser.
No one is minimising it but there are 300 posts on this thread and I'd say 250 of them are criticising, and some of them are well OTT. Unless the OP doesn't have a brain I think she now gets she was out of order, what good do you think will do in keep repeating the same posts?
BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 15/10/2021 07:28

You left them alone together which seems a bit irresponsible. You were wrong to shoot at your five year old.

JumperandJacket · 15/10/2021 07:45

@Pancakeorcrepe

I don’t understand why people are saying this is a pile on. Yes she reacted in the heat of the moment, but then came on here saying she is fuming and how to deal with her five year old! Zero awareness! And in the subsequent posts she doesn’t seem all that regretful or mortified so I don’t understand why people say “read the previous posts”. They don’t absolve of anything. I read the first post and was shocked at the treatment of the five year old and lack of awareness. Plus the favouritism. There are a lot of issues in one post. I’m glad OP will seek treatment, it’s necessary, and hopefully the impact on the five year old can be reversed. If it were a man acting like this, people would never minimise it this way with “heat of the moment” stuff. It’s a classic excuse for an abuser.
Once a point has been made hundreds of times, making it again doesn’t really achieve anything. There’s no possible benefit to the OP or her children. The only beneficiary is the poster who gets to act like a bitch while simultaneously feeling morally superior.
PumpkinsandTea · 15/10/2021 07:53

@MrsMummyMouse
DD1 is your step child isn't she?

Somethingsnappy · 15/10/2021 10:12

@BunnytheFriendlyDragon

You left them alone together which seems a bit irresponsible. You were wrong to shoot at your five year old.
Shoot at her!? I know the OP overreacted but I don't think there was anything to suggest she went that far... Grin
Somethingsnappy · 15/10/2021 10:13

@CuteGirlsWatchMeEatEther

A lot of commenters here seem to have anger issues worse than your own, op. I don’t buy they’re the kind of people that keep their temper around children. If your baby wasn’t crying or distressed and your older daughter isn’t distressed at being yelled at then just move on. Download the resources others have posted, maybe speak to GP about referral for therapy.
Excellent point in your first paragraph!
ShaneTheThird · 15/10/2021 10:49

Op I was ready to have a massive go at you until your updates. Don't let this one incident cloud the rest of their lives. It doesn't mean you will be abusive like your dad.

Just be really mindful of what you say to your dd from now on. Never say things like "I never want to see you again" as it really stays with a child and they believe it so easily.

Give dd a big hug and tell her you were just scared. Hope you and dd feel better this morning.

Member984815 · 15/10/2021 11:44

She's only 5 for Gods sake, the poor thing . Why was she unsupervised with the baby in the first place. You have an apology to make

Justcallmebebes · 15/10/2021 11:49

I don't think it's awful that you shouted, I'd also be furious (due to worrying/shock). Totally understandable

Really????

Katieandthekids · 15/10/2021 11:50

Yes you are being unreasonable poor kid.

LittleMG · 15/10/2021 11:53

I think your 5 year old should have known not to lift up the baby on their own.

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/10/2021 12:02

OP I hope you’re feeling better today. In that situation a lot of us would honestly have done the same. We might like to think we wouldn’t but it’s an instinctive, protective split-second reaction. It’s not the same as snapping all day about everything.

My dad was also abusive and it’s a stick that’s handy to beat ourselves with but the odd yell is not the same. I’d love to meet the perfect parents who have genuinely never raised their voices to their now adult children. Look after yourself OP Flowers

CustardySergeant · 15/10/2021 12:13

@Member984815

She's only 5 for Gods sake, the poor thing . Why was she unsupervised with the baby in the first place. You have an apology to make
She apologised to her daughter yesterday!
nanbread · 15/10/2021 12:14

Get some perspective people it was a bad overreaction. As if the lot of you are perfect 100% of the time.

Yep - kicking someone when they're down, calling them names, repeatedly criticising them, and ignoring their acknowledgement of their behaviour could be called abusive too.

nanbread · 15/10/2021 12:15

@ShaneTheThird

Op I was ready to have a massive go at you until your updates. Don't let this one incident cloud the rest of their lives. It doesn't mean you will be abusive like your dad.

Just be really mindful of what you say to your dd from now on. Never say things like "I never want to see you again" as it really stays with a child and they believe it so easily.

Give dd a big hug and tell her you were just scared. Hope you and dd feel better this morning.

She didn't say she never wanted to see her again FFS
ShaneTheThird · 15/10/2021 12:18

I screamed at DD1 and pulled her away to the stairs and told her I didn’t want to see her and she should go to her room.

That's exactly how a 5 year old interprets this. FFS

Fullyhuman · 15/10/2021 12:42

Hey OP, if you’re still reading. Great that you’ll read those books, talk to your HV etc.

My kids are older but I had a similar moment of realising I was massively overreacting, and I got therapy and read How to talk… etc. They helped. While of course I’ve made mistakes/shouted since then, I’ve not been ashamed of any of my mothering since.

I just wanted to say though, that while you can, and I’m sure will, be more the mum you want to be, it might not come naturally, quickly. New challenges with different stages will make your stressed brain react instinctively and while you will get competent at overriding that and responding appropriately, it may not feel natural for a long time and as new situations arise you may find again that grief that this isn’t easy, natural for you. That’s ime the painful legacy of parental abuse. My comfort is that my children will find it natural and easy, if/when they have kids.

Something I found and still sometimes
find helpful is to spend time with parents who don’t have abusive histories and who raise their kids instinctively, naturally, without worrying about it and who (mostly!) really enjoy their children.

While mine were little I even copied whole phrases, like a script, to replace my natural responses. At first this was weird but it was still better than the tools I had, and over time I got more natural and found my own words/ways.

Wishing you and all of us breaking this painful generational chain, luck and joy xx

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