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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

5yr old dropped baby

333 replies

MrsMummyMouse · 14/10/2021 16:27

Not really an AIBU but I am fuming and need help/calming down before I act (again)….but feel free to tell me if you think IABU if you so wish.

I was washing up in the kitchen while DD2 (3months) in her swing & DD1 (5) in the front room right opposite. I hear DD1 a couple of times say “and back down”, assuming she means the swing I pop my head back expecting to see them ‘playing’ as usual except I see DD2 slightly lifted by DD1 arms which she quickly removes sending DD2 flying back down in her swing. This is obviously what she was doing with the “and down again”, lifting her up and dropping her down!! I was so shocked/mad I screamed at DD1 and pulled her away to the stairs and told her I didn’t want to see her and she should go to her room. DD2 seems ok but god knows how many times she was dropped back Sad. DD2 is our long tried for/awaited rainbow baby so maybe I was too much and overreacted? I’m not sure though so need to know how I deal with DD1 now?

OP posts:
Emus · 14/10/2021 19:42

OP, if you're still reading, I can recommend a playpen for your living room as it's unavoidable that sometimes you'll need to leave the room for something. Put DD2 inside the playpen in her swing and you'll have some peace of mind for the short time you are away that no harm is coming to either of them. We also got a cheap webcam so that I could watch if I was in the kitchen preparing dinner etc. This worked for us whilst ours DC were little anyway. All the best. Thanks

nocluewhattowritehere · 14/10/2021 19:42

@HerRoyalWitchyness

Am I missing something here...?

Yes you are. Its not hard to bring the baby with you so that they're not left alone with a young child where anything could happen. Sit them in the bouncer in the bathroom or kitchen or wherever you are.

I would never bring a baby with me into the bathroom but interesting to know that this is what some people think others should do
SylvanasWindrunner · 14/10/2021 19:43

Obviously it wasn't great parenting at the time, but I know I've certainly shouted at DD when I've got a fright about something and then apologised to her and explained why. I'm human, after all. I don't think it makes OP a terrible parent or whatever some of the more extreme posts on here claim. In the heat of the moment, when you've had a fright, then sometimes you can react in a way that you wouldn't normally.

Parenting is not about being perfect – it's about doing your best and trying to put it right again when you do it wrong. Because you will do it wrong. Plenty of times.

HerRoyalWitchyness · 14/10/2021 19:45

I would never bring a baby with me into the bathroom why what's going to happen to baby sat in a bouncer on the bathroom floor? Hmm

nocluewhattowritehere · 14/10/2021 19:55

Maybe nothing. However I don't see the need in bringing a baby into a bathroom with me when I'll be having a shower for no longer then 10mins. As long as the other child knows the importance of being careful around the baby then I see no problem in having both in the living room together. You'll have to leave them together at some point as it's inevitable.
But if you bring your baby into your kitchen and bathroom away from your other child then that's great for you!

nocluewhattowritehere · 14/10/2021 20:02

@Toottooot

For fucks sake - she has more than admitted she’s in the wrong and is clearly gutted about what she’s done and is desperate to rectify and not repeat the situation. Maybe some of you should read a little beyond the first post and stop being such nasty bitches. I swear some of you get a kick out of sticking the boot in.
Exactly this!!
MissChanandlerBong81 · 14/10/2021 20:02

Personally I think it’s good for children to see adults mess up, acknowledge their mistakes/emotions and apologise.

I also think adapting from having one child to having two can be an incredibly difficult transition. On that topic OP you might be interested to read this article - I’m not saying it’s what has happened to you but it’s a story of another mum and how she struggled to adapt to having two.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2009/jul/04/motherhood-second-child-family

Onelovelyone · 14/10/2021 20:16

She’s 5 and she was playing with her new sibling. She didn’t intend to do harm, and nor does it sound as though she did. Whether you mean to or not your post sounds as though you cherish your new child more than the elder (which I am sure you do not intend). In my opinion, you need to apologise to your 5 year old and perhaps get support to manage your feelings about this. In my opinion you are being very unreasonable and run the risk of damaging your relationship with your 5 year old.

FlyingWhistle · 14/10/2021 20:18

I always treated older sibling like a dog... never leave them unattended with a baby.

CustardySergeant · 14/10/2021 20:19

Onelovelyone She has apologised to her daughter.

whenthedoveslie · 14/10/2021 20:45

If there was ever a thread where a parent messed up in a moment and should never ever post it on here, this is it.

Some of the replies on here are grim. Mothers just wanting to pile onto another vulnerable mother who has reached out. Sad and really quite shameful.

vickyp0llard · 14/10/2021 20:54

Yep - really says what kind of people they are to bully someone while they're down. As if everyone hasn't snapped or lost control of their emotions at some point. Sometimes I snap and shout at my husband - according to MN I'm an evil abuser who needs therapy and my husband needs to be taken away by social services....

MissCruellaDeVil · 14/10/2021 21:05

Poor kid, she was playing and is only 5, shouldn't be left out of sight!

Inastatus · 14/10/2021 21:19

@whenthedoveslie

If there was ever a thread where a parent messed up in a moment and should never ever post it on here, this is it.

Some of the replies on here are grim. Mothers just wanting to pile onto another vulnerable mother who has reached out. Sad and really quite shameful.

I think the mistake the OP made was posting on AIBU, the most notoriously brutal of all the boards, she would probably have received much more helpful replies if she had posted elsewhere on here.
WellLarDeDar · 14/10/2021 21:45

Jesus Christ she's 5 years old what's the matter with you?! Poor dd1.

GrandTheftWalrus · 14/10/2021 21:51

I went to the loo today and had told 4yo I needed to change 4mo when I came back, normally when I tell her that she gets changing mat, nappies, Wipes. So when I heard dd2 crying I ran back and she was on the mat. Dd1 had lifted her out and I assume put her down none too gently.

I was shocked but I just said calmly that she doesn't lift the baby yet until she's a bit older.

I've left them alone many times to nip to loo and she's never done it before. However its my fault as well as I told her she couldn't lift her till she was bigger.

But she won't do it again now, and my dd2 is my rainbow baby as well. I certainly don't favour her over dd1.

PixieLaLa · 14/10/2021 21:51

Yes DD1 is only 5 but OP is only human and reacted instantly to what was going on. It does sound like it was just innocent playing but tbh OP if you think there’s more too it, jealousy etc then don’t ignore it. You have even said on this thread your DD2 is your miracle rainbow baby….has DD1 picked up on that?

AveryGoodlay · 14/10/2021 21:52

I screamed at DD1 and pulled her away to the stairs and told her I didn’t want to see her and she should go to her room. I'll never understand why adults treat children this way when they'd never (in most cases) react like this to another adult for making a mistake.

How would you feel if your partner reacted like that because you chose to leave your children alone, unsupervised?

GrandTheftWalrus · 14/10/2021 21:54

Also reading comments of taking baby with you in bouncer to kitchen/bathroom, mine are tiny and there is no safe floor spot for the bouncer in kitchen and the bathroom door wouldn't shut with it in there either. So I leave her in living room for 10 mins.

Offmyfence · 14/10/2021 21:55

All your own fault for leaving a five year old supervising a baby!

You also seem to be saying your DD2 is more important because she's long awaited!

Poor DD1!

RaginaPhalange · 14/10/2021 22:05

Maybe supervise your kids? Your poor 5 year old definitely apologise to her for goodness sake!!

AveryGoodlay · 14/10/2021 22:05

I hadn't rtft but wanted to say this incident doesn't make you a bad parent, every parent makes mistakes. I'll be the first to admit I don't get it right all the time! But it is really positive that you're looking at ways to stay in control when panicking/angry. That shows you are unlike your father and I'm sorry you went through that.

I had an abusive mother and was repeatedly raped as a child by a family member and their friends. Its made me hyper aware of safeguarding my children and many disagree with my decisions (no sleepovers for example). And it made me look up techniques once I was pregnant for dealing with children when frustrated. I still don't get it right all the time! I think childhood trauma can make parents even harder on their own parenting.

And regarding your youngest being the "miracle rainbow baby", again, I know from where you come. I had many miscarriages and a stillborn baby. But the odds of being born are said to be the odds of being born are said to be one in 400 trillion. So your eldest is just as much of a miracle as your youngest Flowers

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/10/2021 22:08

I am not really sure what you were really expecting OP from this thread.

Your behaviour towards your DD1 was appalling. She was not at fault in any way.

It’s not relevant that DD2 is a rainbow baby (though I am sorry for your previous loss and know what that is like). Pretty much all babies are wanted. The children I bore after pregnancy loss are no more or less precious than the one I bore before I knew that pain of loss. Describing DD2 as your rainbow baby does not mitigate the harm to DD1 by shouting at her.

What you need to do about this depends on whether it was a one off or representative of a pattern.

First thing, don’t leave DD2 unattended in the care of her 5 year old sister. Beyond that reassure DD1 and apologise. And if this is a pattern not a one off seek some professional help.

Neonplant · 14/10/2021 22:13

Yes op acted in the heat of the moment. But after that when she posted she was still asking hie to deal with dd1. So in all honesty she wasn't posting recognising this.

I don't actually think in this case the pile on is unwarranted. People are very rightfully shocked at a parent blaming a 5 year old for their own negligence.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 14/10/2021 22:14

I am sorry OP. I had not noticed your updates. I don’t think my overall view changes much. But I see you have taken on board the comments re DD1. The fact that you are bothered by this marks you out as different from your abusive father. You are not like him.

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