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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go to the pub with a married man?

271 replies

Mooloolaba12345 · 13/10/2021 22:46

After a conference where the end was a drinks reception. Afterwards, I went on to the pub with a colleague, just the 2 of us as others had to drive home. We have worked together for years.

We talk about most things, it’s a predominantly male team, very little is off limits and we all talk about our lives freely. The conversation included me being single and silly dating stories etc. He talked about how his marriage isn’t great.

I told a male friend about this and he said I should be careful. He said me being single and him telling me about his marriage when it was just the two of us means something.

AIBU to think I can go to the pub with a married man, talk about life and it be ok and normal?

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/10/2021 13:22

@BadNomad

No one said any of that. He was complaining about his marriage, not his mental health. He told her when they were alone. Why her? Why not his other colleagues? Why not when they're all together? Why did it have to be her when they were alone? He chose that moment for a reason.
Exactly
madisonbridges · 15/10/2021 13:32

He might have said something to other colleagues earlier on. You don't know he didn't. He said it to the op because they were just chatting together and had known each other a long time. The op didn't feel he was coming onto her so why can't people trust her judgement?

sillysmiles · 15/10/2021 13:41

@Mooloolaba12345

The consensus is it’s not ok, or there are dodgy motives, so I’ll steer clear as much as possible

Thank you for your perspective x

I would think this place is the worst place for this kind of advice because people usually post on here when they are having problems, so it skews peoples thoughts imo. Just look at the mount of LTB posts, or all the posts that assume your husband is having an affair at the drop of a hat.

In a previous role, I frequently travelled for work. Which meant I frequently ended up going to the pub with people - sometimes just one, sometimes a group of people. Often these pub chats were the start of new projects and relationships for work or insights into other work things. Often nothing work related would come up, but you'd get to know people better.

Personally if it were me, I'd stay going. What are you gaining by not going? If he tries something inappropriate then put him back in his box. Are you meant to lock yourself in your room in case he accidental has an affair with you?? I'm not sure I can eyeroll hard enough for an emjoi.

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast · 15/10/2021 13:43

@LolaSmiles has got it right.

You have to admit - it is no coincidence that most of the time men feel they can only talk about this stuff with attractive, single female friends/colleagues.

Funny that.

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 13:53

MuffinsAreJustCakesAtBreakfast
It's certainly an interesting coincidence.
It's also an interesting coincidence that the thing they really need to open up about tends to involve slagging their wife off or complaining about married life when they're alone with a single, female colleague.

I have male friends. DH has female friends. We have couple friends who we get on with. We both have work friends and colleagues of both sexes. I've no issue with opposite sex friendships, but think there's some deliberate, convenient cluelessness on this thread by people who (for whatever reason) seem rather keen to suggest that it's totally acceptable for someone someone slag their spouse off to a single colleague when they're alone together.

BoredZelda · 15/10/2021 14:17

The consensus is it’s not ok, or there are dodgy motives, so I’ll steer clear as much as possible

The consensus is in this scenario it isn’t a good idea.

I often travelled for work when I was single often with married colleagues, not once did anyone talk about their crap marriage.

BadlyFormedQuestion · 15/10/2021 15:22

@BoredZelda

The consensus is it’s not ok, or there are dodgy motives, so I’ll steer clear as much as possible

The consensus is in this scenario it isn’t a good idea.

I often travelled for work when I was single often with married colleagues, not once did anyone talk about their crap marriage.

Yes. It’s not the having a drink with someone who happens to be of the opposite sex and in a relationship. People do that at work events/after work/whatever all the time.

It’s the other details. The starting to ‘confide’ about marital problems and so on is where it’s getting inappropriate. That would be an issue wherever it was happening: in the pub, in corridor chats before meetings, at team building events, anywhere.

We always choose out audience before having a whinge about our partners. If a married man at work started complaining about his wife to me, I’d immediately wonder why he was choosing to tell me this and not someone more appropriate.

There’s also a difference between the usual public, jokey stuff you hear about people’s partners at work, and the more private confidences they’d share with people they’re close to.

Blueuggboots · 15/10/2021 15:31

I went out for lunch with a male friend yesterday. We talked about his marriage.
I don't want to shag him. He doesn't want to shag me. We've been friends for years and years.

Viviennemary · 15/10/2021 15:38

That is entirely different from a late night sobfest from a married colleague.

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 15:39

Blueuggboots
That's nice, and many of us also have similar friendships.

Friendships like you describe are not the same as waiting until you're alone with a single, female colleague and then deciding to slag off your wife.

StColumbofNavron · 15/10/2021 15:47

We always choose out audience before having a whinge about our partners.

I'm not sure that this is entirely true after a few drinks. I know at the lowest points of my (now very happy) marriage I definitely whinged, moaned, cried to way more people than I ought and there was no differentiation and I certainly did not select the audience.

longwayoff · 15/10/2021 15:53

It ain't what you think it is baby. Really not. Hand up your skirt next time, he's just working out the lie of the land.

Partyowl · 15/10/2021 16:10

I expect my STB ex DH said exactly that to his unmarried employee over drinks in the pub. While I was at home with our kids blissfully unaware of our ‘problems’. Tread carefully.

madisonbridges · 15/10/2021 16:14

@LolaSmiles

Blueuggboots That's nice, and many of us also have similar friendships.

Friendships like you describe are not the same as waiting until you're alone with a single, female colleague and then deciding to slag off your wife.

  1. The op never said he slagged his wife off.
  2. He might have spoken about his marriage to other people during the conference.
  3. He's more likely to talk about personal problems out of a work setting, ie at a pub.
  4. The op isn't a random colleague, they've known each other for years.
  5. The op spoke about her own personal business.
  6. The op didn't feel anything awkward was going on or that she was being hit on.

You might have had bad experiences with men but that doesn't mean all men need to be tarred with the same brush.

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 16:23

Reallyimeanreally2022
She's told us he's been talking about the state of his marriage that his marriage isn't good.

I'm not tarring all men with the same brush. I've said repeatedly I have no issue with opposite sex friendships.

I'm just suitably skeptical about how frequently there's men who feel the need to talk about how crap their marriage is when they're alone with female colleagues/acquaintances.

This thread shows that the bar some people set for men is quite low. What a world we live in when expecting men to not select their single female colleagues for a 1-1 moaning session about their marriage is apparently unreasonable.

Partyowl if your experience and countless threads on here are anything to go by, there's a lot of wives at home with the children thinking everything is OK, only to find their husband has been seeking another woman's shoulder for an ego boost/to moan to.

longwayoff · 15/10/2021 17:15

Grin "my wife doesn't understand me"Grin Really? Never heard that before. The bar is low because that's where men have put it.

madisonbridges · 15/10/2021 17:22

Saying your marriage isn't great doesn't mean you're slagging your wife off. It can be in a bad way for all sorts of reasons. The op had talked about the state of her love life. Are you criticising her for giving him the come on? I mean after all she waited to get him alone before spilling out about her loneliness!! Of course you're not criticising her. Because the ops done nothing wrong and neither has the guy. Two longtime friends had a chat and went home separately. Nothing to see here.

todaysdilemma · 15/10/2021 17:32

Going to the pub with a married colleague is of course ok.

Him discussing his marriage problems with you makes it very much not ok. Unless you've been bosom buddies or very very close friends, and his wife knows you, he should not be bitching about his wife/marriage.

That's why YABU.

todaysdilemma · 15/10/2021 17:35

Marriage problems btw are deeply intimate and not under the same category as what you did over the weekend, your favourite films, dating stories, hopes and dreams etc.

If it's the sort of thing people normally discuss with a therapist then they should only be discussed with trusted, close friends who know both parties. Especially since it also involves his wife and unless she is happy for this to be shared with you, it is not ok.

TheFoundations · 15/10/2021 17:36

@longwayoff

Grin "my wife doesn't understand me"Grin Really? Never heard that before. The bar is low because that's where men have put it.
Well, you've made the quote up, and made the bar up. Plenty of women here saying that he's done nothing wrong and was having a chat, and that's on a forum with a high proportion of women who come here to gripe about their relationships.

We don't all live in a soap opera.

Who is a bloke meant to talk to if he's having issues in his relationships? Only man friends or his mummy? Most women don't see any problems with discussing their relationship with other women, because lots of women are good to discuss relationship issues with. So we know that the only motivation for doing this isn't sex.

madisonbridges · 15/10/2021 17:50

If it's the sort of thing people normally discuss with a therapist

How many people normally discuss marital spats with a therapist? I've known quite a few people get divorced and none had therapists. You might not discuss the state of your marriage with a new acquaintance but this is a longstanding friendship. You're telling me women don't chat with colleagues and friends about their marriages? Yeah right.

blubberyboo · 15/10/2021 17:52

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong because your intentions are a colleague drink and nothing more.

However from his side I think he is bordering on an emotional affair by talking about his wife behind her back and if I were her I’d not be happy.
You could end up caught up in their angst so if I were you I’d gently call him out when he says things and play no part in allowing him to do this to her. Tell him it’s more appropriate for him to talk to his wife and get counselling

longwayoff · 15/10/2021 18:10

"Most women dont see any problems when discussing their relationship with other women" Indeed so and discussing it with other women is a completely different dynamic. Can you really be so obtuse?

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 18:39

Who is a bloke meant to talk to if he's having issues in his relationships? Only man friends or his mummy?
His male friends
His female friends
Any couple friends who are friends of the relationship
His immediate family
His wider family
Ask for advice online
Any work friends who are genuine friends who have met through work vs colleagues who go for after work drinks

You know, all the range of options other than sharing marital problems with a single, female colleague 1-1, which shows zero regard for his wife.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/10/2021 18:53

@LolaSmiles

Who is a bloke meant to talk to if he's having issues in his relationships? Only man friends or his mummy? His male friends His female friends Any couple friends who are friends of the relationship His immediate family His wider family Ask for advice online Any work friends who are genuine friends who have met through work vs colleagues who go for after work drinks

You know, all the range of options other than sharing marital problems with a single, female colleague 1-1, which shows zero regard for his wife.

Male Friends - 'go out, get drunk and fuck somebody else' Female Friends - not allowed as he's married and that would be An Emotional Affair, ie, Thought Crime. Couple Friends, plus the above - 'This is awkward, we don't want to take sides, she's our friend, too' Immediate Family (if they exist) - 'I've always said she wasn't good enough for you' Wider Family (if they exist) - 'Didn't I meet you at Auntie Nora's first husband's brother's funeral in 1994? How's your Mum? Dead? Oh, that's sad' Ask for advice online - 'You're a man so you're wrong'/'I wouldn't stand for that, she's clearly seeing somebody else, leave her and take the children'/'Why are you on a site for MUMS?'/[Petrolheads] 'Go out, get drunk, fuck somebody else' Workfriends - Male 'Go out, get drunk, fuck someone else', Female, not allowed because that would be an Emotional Affair/Thought Crime either on his part or if she's married, on hers, as he's clearly only doing it because he wants a shag. NHS MH services - 'Sorry, we're overstretched, go to A&E if you feel like you might kill yourself right now' Counselling Services - yes, I have a qualification gained from a short course online. Have this photocopy of a photocopy of a handout giving example of different communication styles and see if you can identify the Passive-Aggressive and the Aggressive-Aggressive ones. Oh, no, we don't talk about specifics, just general things here, if you have something in particular upsetting you or a diagnosis of depression, you need to go to your GP' GP - [engaged tone]

It's all a bit shit for men and their mental health.