Page 8 | To go to the pub with a married man?

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/10/2021 11:22

@godmum56

I’m not sure I understand your point

ChargingBuck · 15/10/2021 11:23

AIBU to think I can go to the pub with a married man, talk about life and it be ok and normal?

I suspect you are being disingenuous.
Of course you can go to the pub & be 'normal'.

But how 'normal' is it to discuss the state of a colleague's marriage?
That topic was disrespectful & out of bounds.
No doubt you will deny that, or tell us He Started It ... but you should have shut that shit down the moment he started.

ANY married man who tells a (usually single) woman all about the sorry state of his marriage is lining up a sympathy shag.
Are you seriously maintaining you didn't know this?

FinallyHere · 15/10/2021 11:31

talk about life and it be ok and normal?

I have spent loads of time at work, on projects, where it's the most natural thing in the world to have meals/drinks with colleagues who happen to be male.

It just happened that you were talking about the trials of being single and he was talking about the woes of his marriage.

My personal test is whether they would say exactly the same things if she were sitting there too. If yes, crack on. If not ....

It is a sad truth, however, as PPs mention, as soon as he starts with the 'my wife doesn't understand me' stuff, he is indeed testing the waters. Sad, but true.

godmum56 · 15/10/2021 11:32

[quote AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken]@godmum56

I’m not sure I understand your point[/quote]
the comments about "why is he talking to someone else when he should be talking to his wife" I totally agree with the comment, but was pointing out that people do the same on here.

TedMullins · 15/10/2021 11:35

I really don’t agree that talking about his marriage means he was sizing you up for an affair. MAYBE he was - it’s possible, but maybe he just felt comfortable enough with you to ask for some advice. I don’t agree that it’s disloyal or a betrayal to discuss relationship problems or that that should only be done with really close friends. People are entitled to discuss their relationship with whoever they want! We don’t know what was said - there’s a huge difference between ‘stuff isn’t great between us, I’d like an outside viewpoint’ and ‘my wife’s a frigid pig who won’t suck me off every night’.

Everywhere I’ve worked, colleagues have been very matey and open books about their personal lives. I understand that isn’t the culture in every workplace but it sounds like it is in OP’s workplace. If I’m dating someone I expect/accept they will talk about our relationship - good and bad - with the people they feel comfortable to di that to, and I do the same with my friends/acquaintances/colleagues.

AryaStarkWolf · 15/10/2021 11:36

I would say it's not bad to do that but him talking about his marriage problems could be a bit of a red flag about his intentions

BadlyFormedQuestion · 15/10/2021 11:41

There are two things to separate out here:

Going to the pub with a colleague (who happens to be a married man)
Him telling you about his marital problems.

The first is fine. When it moves in to the second, that’s where warning bells go off.

When I was single, I used to have lunch and go to the pub with a married colleague very regularly. It’s was all fine. The fact he was a man made no difference and we just chatted about ordinary stuff. I became good friends with his wife too.

We would never have discussed any marital difficulties they might have been having. It just wouldn’t have been appropriate. We could talk about any dating nonsense in my life - but for the purposes of the friendship his marriage was just a simple fact and not something to be examined in any way. That would have felt extremely inappropriate to me and I’d have stopped spending time on my own with him if there’d been any hint of it.

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 11:45

TedMullins
Why do these men regularly feel comfortable with female colleagues (with a good number being younger and/or single female colleagues) though?

They don't turn to their male friends, or their family, or genuine female friends, or mutual friends who are friendly to the marital unit, or seek out anonymous advice online, or opt to attend relationship counselling. There's something special about female colleagues and acquaintances that some men feel ever so comfortable with.

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 15/10/2021 12:08

@FortunesFave

The way you handle it in future is to not go to the pub alone with him.

Simple.

This. Just go in a group, or head home. I think your friend is right that it is dangerous waters. I’d also change the subject if he said anything negative about his wife and stick to slightly more innocent topics like his hobbies or yours. It might be nothing but they’ll be a lot of hurt if you’re wrong and this is a really classic senario.

TedMullins · 15/10/2021 12:13

@LolaSmiles

TedMullins Why do these men regularly feel comfortable with female colleagues (with a good number being younger and/or single female colleagues) though?

They don't turn to their male friends, or their family, or genuine female friends, or mutual friends who are friendly to the marital unit, or seek out anonymous advice online, or opt to attend relationship counselling. There's something special about female colleagues and acquaintances that some men feel ever so comfortable with.

How do you know they don’t? Maybe they do, but they also have certain colleagues they feel comfortable with? Some men will use it as a way to get in your pants, sure. But I don’t think that’s a blanket truth of all these situations (and I’m the first to want to call out creepy men!)

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 12:19

TedMullins
If they were turning to friends and family then they'd not be emotionally dumping on the (usually) younger and/or single women they work with.

They might not necessarily be chasing to get in another woman's bed, but I don't buy that all these men just happen to feel the most comfortable slagging their wives off in the presence of a woman who could provide them a useful ego boost or they see as a potential opportunity. It doesn't exactly shout like they have entirely innocent motives.

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 15/10/2021 12:25

There's nothing wrong with it at all, but I do agree with your mate that you need to be careful. It's might be fine and he's just enjoying the company, or he might be sizing you up. At the first sign of anything flirty or out of order I'd be off like a shot.

I work in a male dominated environment and do go out for drinks with people from work. I'd say it's 50/50 with the lovely ones who are just being friendly and those of them that are after a bit of extra marital fun. I tell them to fuck off and if they come into me again I'll tell their wives/gf. That usually stops any shit.

HidingFromDD · 15/10/2021 12:43

I have lots of male friends, most of them married, and think absolutely nothing of going out for drinks after work etc. I got divorced and at least three of these long term very married men started the ‘marital problems’ discussions. I naively assumed that following my divorce they actually did just want to have a genuine discussion. All three made v unexpected (by me) passes. I’m a lot more careful now and shut down and discussion in that area if there’s even a hint that it may not be completely genuine.

I do still have some male friends we discuss everything with but I’m very confident that no requests for a shag will follow.

I’d have definitely been in the ‘you’re being ridiculous not every man is after a shag’ camp beforehand. I’m a lot more cynical now

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/10/2021 12:48

@BadNomad

Gosh. He was being very inappropriate. The pub and drinks with a married man bit is fine. But him telling anyone other than a close friend private and personal details about his marriage is crossing a line and very disloyal towards his wife. I wouldn't be impressed.

But men in particular don't always have a 'close friend' that they can talk to. It's one on the reasons why male mental health and outcomes can be so poor.

I've had conversations with guys where the things they have said about male mental health and relationships are incredibly perceptive - but they also say that societal pressures make it almost impossible to have those conversations with their friends when it's clear those friends have needed support, not just stopping them from saying anything, but stopping their friends from listening when they try.

Men on the whole don't have AIBU (and many people on here only have AIBU because they don't have a close friend to talk to about stuff, either). The next best thing without the risk of being absolutely battered online is the situation of somebody they know, can chat about funny things to, feel comfortable in their company, then add a couple of drinks and the deeper stuff comes out.

Everybody is human and fallible and capable of vulnerability. Including men. They aren't all massively predatory in all situations, including when having drinks after work, at a conference, when on the road for gigs or any other circumstance.

SueSaid · 15/10/2021 12:51

'But men in particular don't always have a 'close friend' that they can talk to. It's one on the reasons why male mental health and outcomes can be so poor.'

Omg. Married men and married woman should not slag off their partners to single colleagues in cosy after work boozing sessions. They must have someone else they can confide on.

BadNomad · 15/10/2021 12:57

@NeverDropYourMooncup

The OP is his colleague, not his counsellor. It doesn't matter how bad your mental health is you still don't have the right to inflict your woes on workmates. If he's having marriage issues then he should be talking to his wife about them. Also he told one person when they were alone. He wasn't venting to a group

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/10/2021 12:59

@JaniieJones

'But men in particular don't always have a 'close friend' that they can talk to. It's one on the reasons why male mental health and outcomes can be so poor.'

Omg. Married men and married woman should not slag off their partners to single colleagues in cosy after work boozing sessions. They must have someone else they can confide on.

Who?

Where do they find this person if they haven't got one stashed down the back of the sofa? Somebody they get on with at work where they spend most of their time, perhaps?

People don't all have a best mate and ten others they've known since they were five, they have to make friends as adults to have friends as adults.

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 13:03

NeverDropYourMooncup
They could probably make friends with a range of people as adults, and make friends with a range of colleagues. Funny how so many of them seem to make a beeline for younger and/or single women at work though.

Anyway building a friendship develops over time and doesn't start with offloading your marital issues onto single, female colleagues.

AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 15/10/2021 13:10

@LolaSmiles

NeverDropYourMooncup They could probably make friends with a range of people as adults, and make friends with a range of colleagues. Funny how so many of them seem to make a beeline for younger and/or single women at work though.

Anyway building a friendship develops over time and doesn't start with offloading your marital issues onto single, female colleagues.

Completely agree. The only person in his entire life he can confide in is a single, female colleague? Really?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 15/10/2021 13:13

[quote BadNomad]@NeverDropYourMooncup

The OP is his colleague, not his counsellor. It doesn't matter how bad your mental health is you still don't have the right to inflict your woes on workmates. If he's having marriage issues then he should be talking to his wife about them. Also he told one person when they were alone. He wasn't venting to a group[/quote]
This is why male mental health outcomes are so poor. When they do talk about things that are difficult, they're 'inflicting their woes' upon somebody else.

So they have to put up and shut up, rather than open up and potentially be told no, that's not healthy/I really think that you should make an appointment with your GP/there's this thing called IAPT where you can access it without having to go to the GP/you're being a dick/it's not OK that she (or he, not all men are heterosexual) hit you/have you tried talking to her/him about this/well, she's got a point there.

StColumbofNavron · 15/10/2021 13:16

If we swap out male colleague for female colleague moaning about her marriage … I talk to my male, female, single and not single friends and sometimes long term colleagues who I’m on friendly terms with about all sorts.

JudgeJ · 15/10/2021 13:17

@FortunesFave

I think if his wife knew...most women would not like it. Especially if he was telling you about their relationship.

I doubt that a grown up woman would be offended by this, if he goes for a drink after work with a male colleague does that mean they're heading for a relationship beyond work?

madisonbridges · 15/10/2021 13:17

I'm surprised that women believe that their husbands never mention at work or in the pub rows or difficulties they're having at home. I've worked in two male dominated industries and they definitely do.

BadNomad · 15/10/2021 13:19

No one said any of that. He was complaining about his marriage, not his mental health. He told her when they were alone. Why her? Why not his other colleagues? Why not when they're all together? Why did it have to be her when they were alone? He chose that moment for a reason.

LolaSmiles · 15/10/2021 13:21

This is why male mental health outcomes are so poor. When they do talk about things that are difficult, they're 'inflicting their woes' upon somebody else.

So they have to put up and shut up, rather than open up and potentially be told no, that's not healthy/I really think that you should make an appointment with your GP/there's this thing called IAPT where you can access it without having to go to the GP/you're being a dick/it's not OK that she (or he, not all men are heterosexual) hit you/have you tried talking to her/him about this/well, she's got a point there.
Has anyone actually said men shouldn't speak to anyone?
Has anyone actually said that men should put up and shut up?

Or have people questioned why some men seem to feel drawn to single women when it comes to their need to slag their wife off and bitch about married life?

I can't believe you seem to be suggesting that women discussing appropriate boundaries boundaries discussing marital relationships is responsible for men's mental health issues.

Fuck me, women really are to blame for everything.