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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't up to FIL?

293 replies

yutuko · 13/10/2021 20:44

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal.

We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway.

Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

OP posts:
Fraine · 14/10/2021 08:04

@seaandsandcastles

It’s FIL meal, so yeah he gets to decide who attends. I also think it’s weird that you invited a friend to a family holiday to see your in laws.

You shouldn’t be basing your holidays and decisions about whether or not DS1 will ruin it if he doesn’t get his way.

No, but neither should they base them on Grandad getting his way.
PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/10/2021 08:08

Then perhaps his grandfather could ask his grandson what he would like to do, and find out what he is interested in, rather than trying to exclude his 16 year old friend.

Well yes maybe he could do that and we don't actually know he hasn't.

What we do know is he had absolutely no idea this friend would be attending what he presumed was a family trip until yesterday when it appears he found out by accident there would be another guest. A tad rude to just drop that information on him don't you think and daft to presume it would not change the trip dynamic.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 14/10/2021 08:24

YABU. You and your husband sound highhanded and insensitive in making arrangements without involving your FIL. Be honest, do any of you really want to go and see him? It sounds like you think he's lucky to see any of you at all. 🤷‍♀️

C8H10N4O2 · 14/10/2021 08:27

Do you have a 16 year old?

I've raised four of them.

This is a 16yr old on a trip to see distant DGF. He declines to spend any time with them on the trip other than the dinner (hosted and paid for by the DGP). He has to have a friend with him because even a meal is unendurable without a friend unless he has a friend to entertain him.

I'd be embarrassed and ashamed frankly. Better he stays home than goes all that way just to make it clear he doesn't want to spend any time with his host.

Northofsomewhere · 14/10/2021 08:41

But the 16 year old isn't the only one on the trip, there's 6 other people plus granddad and the son. Why should everyone else change their plans (that it sounds like the parents and IL have made) because DS doesn't like all of it.

If the holiday planned is anything like my childhood holidays visiting family then the DS would be doing the same activities anyway just with BF in tow rather than the family.

DS has already said he plans not to see his GDad outside of the meal as he wants to spend it with his friend. This sounds pretty naff when the OP hasn't said there's historically been a problem with the relationship. There's no hint the
FIL hasn't tried to have a relationship with them. By the sounds of it it's just a teenager who thinks it would be more fun to have a friend he can disappear with on holiday for a week rather than spend time with family.

I think for most people the problem is it's possible the OP and DS hasn't seen FIL for a long time (covid, travel distance) so therefore this is likely much longed for (by FIL) family time. Bringing the friend without prior agreement by FIL and the other IL's totally changes the dynamic of any meet ups and in most cases means DS apparently won't be going. This is hardly the holiday that the other adults (not the OP) were expecting.

DS is getting older, this is likely to be one of the last proper family holidays you have as a group. It won't be long before he's of to Uni etc and won't have the same amount of time to commit to family holidays. Leave the friend at home and have family time, he can reach his friend on his phone and I guarantee he'll enjoy it more than he expects without his friend.

saraclara · 14/10/2021 08:43

I'm confused now. Is this a week's holiday somewhere, and they're just visiting FIL for a day and a meal out, as part of it?
In that case, inviting a friend along is reasonable, and FIL, though possibly disappointed, should be a welcoming host at the meal.

My initial response was based on an assumption that this was a visit purely to see him, and for a weekend or something.

OP?

V0lcanoicD1srupt10n · 14/10/2021 10:09

I don't see the problem with taking a friend on the holiday or the meal

Surely, soon the son will have girlfriends, boyfriends & other friends

Fraine · 14/10/2021 10:24

@PinkWaferBiscuit

Then perhaps his grandfather could ask his grandson what he would like to do, and find out what he is interested in, rather than trying to exclude his 16 year old friend.

Well yes maybe he could do that and we don't actually know he hasn't.

What we do know is he had absolutely no idea this friend would be attending what he presumed was a family trip until yesterday when it appears he found out by accident there would be another guest. A tad rude to just drop that information on him don't you think and daft to presume it would not change the trip dynamic.

It would only be rude if Granddad was putting them up.

He’s not. So OP’a 100% right, he gets no say.

TedMullins · 14/10/2021 10:27

@V0lcanoicD1srupt10n

I don't see the problem with taking a friend on the holiday or the meal

Surely, soon the son will have girlfriends, boyfriends & other friends

This! Why are so many people saying it’s weird to invite friends to family things? Why do they have to be separate?
MrsSkylerWhite · 14/10/2021 10:44

Vivi0

If it was a weekend visit, that’s fair enough. But it’s for a week. And it’s the 16 year old’s holiday too. He has said he will be bored. Not unhappy. And I can see why he would be.

I would never expect my child to play the martyr for a week to keep someone else happy. “

That’s really sad, that your kids have such a bad relationship with their grandparents that they feel they’re martyring themselves by spending time with them.

gannett · 14/10/2021 11:02

I don't think it's unreasonable for a 16yo to want to hang out with friends as well as, or instead of, family.

At that age you know whose company you enjoy and for what reasons. Enforcing "family time" in a hardline way will only ensure they pull away in 2 years' time when they become independent. If they don't enjoy family time it might be worth some self-reflection as to why. Are they sidelined, do they have to button their lips and opinions, is it stiff and formal, do they have to play a role and not be themselves?

As for this situation it kind of is up to FIL whether he pays for an extra meal, but it's certainly not up to him as to whether the friend comes on holiday at all. And in his position I hope I'd feel honoured to meet one of my grandchildren's friends, and would enjoy making the acquaintance of someone important to my grandson.

PrincessFiorimonde · 14/10/2021 11:02

I don't see the problem with DS's friend coming with you. But certainly encourage the two of them to join at least some of the family activities, not just the meal. (And if FIL is paying for the family meal, I think DH and you should offer to chip in to cover the friend's costs.)

Aeons ago I went with my parents and younger brother to spend a week at my DGM's. My best friend came too. She and I were 17. I don't think my DGM had met her before. BF and I joined in with most family stuff, and also sloped off for the odd walk etc. by ourselves.

Bear in mind that this was over 40 years ago and my DGM was in her late 70s, with some pretty rigid ideas about what was 'the done thing'. Yet she never suggested that I was an awful granddaughter for bringing BF. Instead she just made BF welcome, and all 6 of us had a really nice week.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/10/2021 11:29

It would only be rude if Granddad was putting them up.

He’s not. So OP’a 100% right, he gets no say.

It would definitely be ruder if he was putting them up but it's still rude even though he isn't. He was expecting to be able to spend time with his family including both his grandchildren. Instead he's now not going to see one of them unless their friend attends the one event his eldest grandchild has agreed to go to.

He's not stupid he knows if the friend is at the meal he won't actually get to talk to his grandson so for the entire week he won't have seen him or spent any time with him which was presumably a huge reason for the chosen location of the holiday otherwise the family would be going elsewhere.

Fraine · 14/10/2021 11:31

@PinkWaferBiscuit the post directly above yours shows it’s entirely possible for a grandparent to make their grandchild’s friend welcome and talk to them both!!

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/10/2021 11:36

[quote Fraine]@PinkWaferBiscuit the post directly above yours shows it’s entirely possible for a grandparent to make their grandchild’s friend welcome and talk to them both!![/quote]
Yes but in this instance its the grand child who doesn't want to socialise with their grandparent. Even if the grandfather went to the meal and made the friend feel very welcome his grandson wouldn't be socialising with him or speaking to him. Its already a chore for his grandson to attend the meal and he's declined doing all other activities with his grandad even those that their is no indication the friend isn't welcome to join in on such as the walk.

WellLarDeDar · 14/10/2021 11:36

We'll be going for the week, DS will be at the meal but has said he probably wont be doing other things (like walks etc) as he'll be doing something else with his friend.

That's not really very nice of your son. Get a free meal of his grandad and then disappear and go do his own thing with his mate that he could do any time he is at home. It's a bit cold and uncaring. His grandad isnt going to be around forever.

YABU. Your FIL wants to spend some time with his family and you didnt check with him first if it was okay to bring a extra randomer along who is a stranger to your FIL.

I'd be having words with your son tbh.

I'd give anything to be able to spend time with either of my grandads again :(

Fraine · 14/10/2021 11:38

But OP doesn't say DS doesn't want to socialise with Granddad. He hasn't declined all activities, just some like walking and he still wants to go to the meal.

Lots of positives here, if everyone will compromise.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/10/2021 11:43

@Fraine

But OP doesn't say DS doesn't want to socialise with Granddad. He hasn't declined all activities, just some like walking and he still wants to go to the meal.

Lots of positives here, if everyone will compromise.

It certainly doesn't sound like he's going to be socialising with his grandad or that he is intending on joining in with the other activities, just the meal.

DS will be at the meal but has said he probably wont be doing other things (like walks etc) as he'll be doing something else with his friend.

We also don't know if the grandad is more than happy to have the friend at all the other activities they had planned but would just like one meal with just his family. It's worth remembering it appears until yesterday's conversation he didn't even know a friend was coming.

gannett · 14/10/2021 11:47

Yes but in this instance its the grand child who doesn't want to socialise with their grandparent. Even if the grandfather went to the meal and made the friend feel very welcome his grandson wouldn't be socialising with him or speaking to him. Its already a chore for his grandson to attend the meal and he's declined doing all other activities with his grandad even those that their is no indication the friend isn't welcome to join in on such as the walk.

And this is all the grandson's fault?

Why would forcing the relationship be beneficial? Ban the grandson's friend and make him sit through an awkward and resentful meal instead. Obviously for the best.

The FIL isn't entitled to an automatic relationship with his grandson, family or not. Like any relationship you need to make it worth both people's while and that's incumbent on him as well as the teenager.

BrilliantBulb · 14/10/2021 11:56

DS2 is 8 and BIL will also be visiting and niece is 1, so DS would be the only teenager if friend wasn't coming with us.
And DS2 will be left as the only child if your DS1 brings a friend.

It depends how extreme your DS1s behaviour is though: if he’s got issues and will run away/tear the house down over a family trip then I would pick my battles. But if he’s just your average grumpy teenager then I think it’s a bit odd you agreed to bringing a friend.

BrilliantBulb · 14/10/2021 11:58

Is your DS’ friend just a friend, or is he a ‘friend’? Because if it’s the latter maybe there’s a small part of this that he wants to bring him to meet the FIL?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/10/2021 12:01

And this is all the grandson's fault?

I'm not saying it's anyone's fault but it seems pointless to take him on a holiday that is obviously centred around seeing this grandparent when he doesn't actually want to see them.

Why would forcing the relationship be beneficial? Ban the grandson's friend and make him sit through an awkward and resentful meal instead. Obviously for the best.

He's not being banned though is he. In fact if anything he's being incredibly well caterered for as the holiday plans seem to be that him and the son can do what they like when they like and opt out of all the family bits.

SnowyQueen · 14/10/2021 12:04

YABU. If your ds friend comes to the meal, your fil will feel obliged to pay for his meal to avoid awkwardness.

Don’t bring the friend. Enjoy family time. It’s only a week! Your ds can see his friend after the holiday.

gannett · 14/10/2021 12:07

He's not being banned though is he. In fact if anything he's being incredibly well caterered for as the holiday plans seem to be that him and the son can do what they like when they like and opt out of all the family bits.

Banning the friend seems to be what a lot of the "but faaaamily" types on this thread want OP to do.

The family bits shouldn't be an unpleasant chore (and you acknowledge they are by admitting the grandson might prefer to opt out of them). 16yos know who they enjoy spending time with and why. If they don't enjoy family time perhaps the problem is with the family dynamics and the people involved rather than the 16yo?

LookItsMeAgain · 14/10/2021 12:10

Read the first 100 posts so I'll go back and read the rest as soon as I've posted this. If you've already sorted it out, apologies for not reading further.

If you're paying for the AirBnB and you're paying for the people who will be attending the meal out (guessing it'll be in a pub or restaurant) then you can have who you like there.
I agree with those that are saying that you're lucky that a 16 year old wants to go and travel and see his grandfather. I couldn't even get my 16 year old to go on a holiday with just his parents (i.e. US) let alone go away with or to see grandparents. Let him bring his friend along. If FiL pipes up about it, just say that it was either bring the friend or FiL not seeing his grandson.