To think this isn't up to FIL?

[yutuko]

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal.

We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway.

Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

Banning the friend seems to be what a lot of the "but faaaamily" types on this thread want OP to do.

His grandad is asking for 1 family meal not saying the friend cannot come at all. Personally I wouldn't have invited a friend on a family trip, especially without letting the relative know but it's done now and I don't think one meal as a family is a terrible request. The friend probably wouldn't be too disappointed to miss it to be fair.

The family bits shouldn't be an unpleasant chore (and you acknowledge they are by admitting the grandson might prefer to opt out of them). 16yos know who they enjoy spending time with and why. If they don't enjoy family time perhaps the problem is with the family dynamics and the people involved rather than the 16yo?

He sees them as a chore though or he wouldn't need a friend to accompany him in the first place. In most families a family trip is something exciting even to 16 year olds yet he's obviously not keen and we have no idea on why that is. We can't know that this grandparent is the cause or if the son has been allowed to think visits are optional and therefore has never developed a good relationship with the grandparent. Either way he clearly doesn't want to see this relative so I would have left him at home.

@Northofsomewhere

But the 16 year old isn't the only one on the trip, there's 6 other people plus granddad and the son. Why should everyone else change their plans (that it sounds like the parents and IL have made) because DS doesn't like all of it.

If the holiday planned is anything like my childhood holidays visiting family then the DS would be doing the same activities anyway just with BF in tow rather than the family.

DS has already said he plans not to see his GDad outside of the meal as he wants to spend it with his friend. This sounds pretty naff when the OP hasn't said there's historically been a problem with the relationship. There's no hint the
FIL hasn't tried to have a relationship with them. By the sounds of it it's just a teenager who thinks it would be more fun to have a friend he can disappear with on holiday for a week rather than spend time with family.

I think for most people the problem is it's possible the OP and DS hasn't seen FIL for a long time (covid, travel distance) so therefore this is likely much longed for (by FIL) family time. Bringing the friend without prior agreement by FIL and the other IL's totally changes the dynamic of any meet ups and in most cases means DS apparently won't be going. This is hardly the holiday that the other adults (not the OP) were expecting.

DS is getting older, this is likely to be one of the last proper family holidays you have as a group. It won't be long before he's of to Uni etc and won't have the same amount of time to commit to family holidays. Leave the friend at home and have family time, he can reach his friend on his phone and I guarantee he'll enjoy it more than he expects without his friend.

Completely agree with this.

From your FILs POV he thought you guys were coming up to visit and spend the week with him. Instead your son is opting out of spending time with him except for one meal where he's bringing a friend and will likely just chat to the friend.

Perfectly understandable to feel upset about that.

@SnowyQueen

YABU. If your ds friend comes to the meal, your fil will feel obliged to pay for his meal to avoid awkwardness.

Don’t bring the friend. Enjoy family time. It’s only a week! Your ds can see his friend after the holiday.

But petty to begrudge the friend a meal when Op and her husband are paying for a week’s AirBnB, and petrol to travel hundreds of miles.

But in any case, OP is happy to pay for friend’s meal.

It’s FIL meal, so yeah he gets to decide who attends. I also think it’s weird that you invited a friend to a family holiday to see your in laws.
You shouldn’t be basing your holidays and decisions about whether or not DS1 will ruin it if he doesn’t get his way.

I agree 100%.

Seriously? The FIL is lucky the 16 year old is interested in visiting him at all! What a fuss about nothing.

@Bonnytoon

Genuinely surprised by these responses.

I was definitely starting to outgrow forced family fun by this age and I would have dreaded a trip like this. I think FIL trying to force a 16-year-old to do things entirely on his terms is setting up a situation where the kid is not going to want to visit him again. It will ultimately be FIL's loss in the end.

I agree.

I certainly wouldn't leave the friend behind on a night while he was in my care.

I would think it very rude and unkind.

Wow at 16 as sad as it may sound its amazing to get the 16 year old to come along in the first place.

They are close friends maybe he not only wants toymake the trip to grandad more fun but it would be nice for this friend to meet grandad!!

I have really liked meeting my friends wider family etc.

Just take them friend anyway and let your son sit out the meal and he can stay with his friend. I'm sure he'll be seeing grandad on the uther day

PinkWaferBiscuit
Yes but in this instance its the grand child who doesn't want to socialise with their grandparent. Even if the grandfather went to the meal and made the friend feel very welcome his grandson wouldn't be socialising with him or speaking to him. Its already a chore for his grandson to attend the meal and he's declined doing all other activities with his grandad even those that their is no indication the friend isn't welcome to join in on such as the walk.

But actually we don't know that all of this is true. It seems a bit of an exaggeration to me.

OP has not said that her DS "doesn't want to socialise with [his] grandparent" at all!

Nor did she say that "Even if the grandfather went to the meal and made the friend feel very welcome his grandson wouldn't be socialising with him or speaking to him." She just said the DS would prefer his friend to be there - not that he wouldn't speak to his grandad.

Also, the OP didn't make it clear if DS has declined doing all other activities with his grandad. She was a bit vague about this - but she may have meant DS doesn't want to do every family activity (= he may be happy to do some of them).

Of course, your interpretation may be correct. But I feel it's worth considering that you may be being a bit harsh on the DS here.

YANBU. I have a 17 year old. It's not clear if FIL has known all along about the friend/ girlfriend coming on the trip. If not, then I understand his disappointment. Hopefully it was an oversight by you or your DH that you hadn't advised him. However, it's certainly not unreasonable for your DS to bring a friend.

So much ‘in the past this would happen’ ‘in my day that would happen’ on this thread. Back in the day children died of polio and women were barefoot and pregnant at the kitchen sink. Ridiculous? Quite possibly, but so are some posters wittering with outdated ideas of teenagers hanging on their GPs every word.

DM is an attention seeking drama queen, DCs 15 & 14 see her for what she is and tend to need to finish their homework when she visits. MIL & FIL are stuck in the 50s, openly casually racist & homophobic (don’t know DGS is gay) so are tolerated in small doses. We don’t know what the OPs family dynamic is, or the 16yo’s reasons for wanting a friend. We don’t all live like the flipping Waltons and we don’t all force our kids to spend time with people they’d avoid if they weren’t related. And stop with the crap about inheritance, it speaks volumes about the real nature of some peoples relationships.

I need a glass of wine.

@SockFluffInTheBath

So much ‘in the past this would happen’ ‘in my day that would happen’ on this thread. Back in the day children died of polio and women were barefoot and pregnant at the kitchen sink. Ridiculous? Quite possibly, but so are some posters wittering with outdated ideas of teenagers hanging on their GPs every word.

DM is an attention seeking drama queen, DCs 15 & 14 see her for what she is and tend to need to finish their homework when she visits. MIL & FIL are stuck in the 50s, openly casually racist & homophobic (don’t know DGS is gay) so are tolerated in small doses. We don’t know what the OPs family dynamic is, or the 16yo’s reasons for wanting a friend. We don’t all live like the flipping Waltons and we don’t all force our kids to spend time with people they’d avoid if they weren’t related. And stop with the crap about inheritance, it speaks volumes about the real nature of some peoples relationships.

I need a glass of wine.

OPs indicated nothing that makes us think FIL is like your parents.

So best not assume the worst?

Why do people project so much on threads and create scenarios that haven't even been indicated by the OP? It's bizarre.

I think you should have consulted your father in law first - and confirmed that you would be sorting out payment for accommodation and your son's friend's meal.

As an older person myself, though, I can sort of understand your father in law's reluctance. Older people often fear that visits to them are seen as some sort of duty and that their company isn't really that important. Looking back, I can understand now why my Mum and Dad seemed hurt when my husband and I wanted to visit friends when we went to see them. It meant that less time was spent in their company and, on reflection, I think it was thoughtless of us.

If it transpires that you do not take your son's friend, I think it would be rather childish and selfish or your son to refuse to go.

For goodness sake is blood only thing that matters,the grandson is 16some 16 year olds wouldnt want to go anyway,Teenagers want to spend half term with mates not family. Nothing wrong with that.if i had grandkids id welcome their friends.

As an only child with little family ive never understood this family thing and to be honest its often annoyed me.my parents are dead now but we were never into this family obsession.my mum only had one sister and they were friendly but not over close, i never knew my dads hardly, didnt bother i adored my dad but hsd nothing in common with his relstives.My gran one of 9 had little to do with her siblings apart from one,never understood why family so important..lots of people dont even like theirs.

@DoraMaude

I'm clearly in the minority here. It wouldn't occur to me that the friend wouldn't come along to the family meal. He's your guest. I can't believe anyone would think he should be left out. If FIL doesn't want to pay for him, then fine, but I think that's really inhospitable.

I can't believe people treat others like this.

Same - my grandmother loved me bringing friends to her house when I used to visit her for weekends!

@Offmyfence @DoraMaude there seem to be plenty projecting their own perfect little lives where everyone loves everyone else in the family, and where bratty teens are reined in. The point, as I clearly said, was that we don’t know the OP’s situation.

Sockfluffinthebath I didn't mean you, I just meant generally that some people are making so many assumptions based on nothing but their own imaginations.

@MrsSkylerWhite

Vivi0

If it was a weekend visit, that’s fair enough. But it’s for a week. And it’s the 16 year old’s holiday too. He has said he will be bored. Not unhappy. And I can see why he would be.

I would never expect my child to play the martyr for a week to keep someone else happy. “

That’s really sad, that your kids have such a bad relationship with their grandparents that they feel they’re martyring themselves by spending time with them.

Why are you making assumptions about my children and their relationships with their grandparents?

My children have a good relationship with their grandparents, because they (a) their grandparents would never behave like the FIL has and (b) their grandparents have realistic expectations.

And I still wouldn’t put what any of the grandparents want above what my children want. Ever.

@DoraMaude ah ok, sorry

I agree @DoraMaude and @Shmithecat2 it’s very odd to me that so many people seem to think it’s a cardinal sin to invite friends to family occasions, and as yet nobody has explained why they feel this way!

My parents would love to meet DS’ (so their teenage grandson) friends. I was always encouraged to have friends round as a child and as a teenager, and this would be seen as the same thing. They’d really welcome it and extend a warm welcome to the friend.

Only read op so far but YABU. You shouldn't have assumed FIL would be OK with it, you should have asked. I bet if you had rather than telling him as a done deal he'd have been more agreeable.

@icedcoffees

I think you were all very rude for inviting DS's friend along without checking with the family member you're going to visit.

Having someone else there changes the dynamic and I think you should have spoken to FIL before agreeing to take a friend.

Your 16yo is more than capable of having a holiday without his mate, btw.

Couldn't agree more!

FIL is being unreasonable. A lot of teens wouldn't want to see Gparents. He's lucky his GS does.