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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't up to FIL?

293 replies

yutuko · 13/10/2021 20:44

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal.

We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway.

Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

OP posts:
HeadNorth · 13/10/2021 23:14

@Offmyfence

16 year olds don't get to chose not to come to visit their grandparent.
Do you have a 16 year old? You can’t actually force them at gunpoint, it’s illegal. My older DD was compliant, so if she was an only child I would probably be guilty of such smug declarations. Fortunately the second one kept us humble.
worriedatthemoment · 13/10/2021 23:14

@5foot5 same for my ds 16 and 18 they take friends to grandparents and never an issue
My mum doesn't even expect them over all the time as she knows they are teenagers and have other things to do at times
They also can still speak even if a friend is there

worriedatthemoment · 13/10/2021 23:17

@HeadNorth exactly , some even work and can't make all occasions or compete in a sport
Luckily we have grandparents on both sides and incl great granparents who wouldn't even see this as an issue and don't expect my dc to visit all the time with us

Mydogmylife · 13/10/2021 23:22

@Bopping298

This. He's there for a week and won't do anything with his grandad except go for one family meal, which he won't even do without bringing someone else? And you think this is fine? And so many people think the grandfather is the unreasonable one here?

This!

I can't believe that your son wouldn't even consider doing any ' family ' things and would bugger off with his pal for the week. It's not as if he AND his pal would be joining in the family unit for at least some of the time. He sounds very self entitled to me -sorry
Wauden · 13/10/2021 23:25

Funny, in the past it was about respect for the elders and now it's about expecting a boy to spoil it if he doesn't have his friend along

Offmyfence · 13/10/2021 23:29

@HeadNorth I've had two 16 year olds actually!

I wouldn't of left them home alone for a week ar that age, so they would've come with me.

Never needed to use a gun funnily enough, just an explanation of what would happen if we had to cancel a family holiday.

I'm not smug.

NumberTheory · 13/10/2021 23:29

YABU.

With a few exceptions, none of which apply here, it’s rude and thoughtless to invite someone else along to an activity without checking it’s okay with those already attending. This is true if the person being invited is otherwise just like others attending but especially true if the “new” person will have a very different relationship with some of the group.

Vivi0 · 13/10/2021 23:33

@Wauden

Funny, in the past it was about respect for the elders and now it's about expecting a boy to spoil it if he doesn't have his friend along
Respect your elders is code for “do as you’re told”.

Thankfully those days are gone and young people have realised they actually have a voice and can chose for themselves, instead of being shamed, guilt tripped, called names and everything else that has been said on this thread.

A 16 year old having a mind of their own and freely expressing their wants and needs has really riled a lot of you up!

Tulips15 · 13/10/2021 23:33

@user1473878824

I think YABU actually. You’re going to visit your father in law, so he can see his family.
Agree
Theluggage15 · 13/10/2021 23:35

Good idea for the boy to take his friend, sounds pretty boring for him otherwise. As for this respect for the elderly nonsense, why does getting old mean you’re entitled to respect? It’s not exactly as if it’s an achievement.

asprinklingofsugar · 13/10/2021 23:37

YABU

Lorw · 13/10/2021 23:38

Why not just leave 16yo at home? As you say he won’t be actually doing anything with the family and will be spending all his time with his mate, so what’s the point of taking him? Is there someone he can stay with while you’re away?

Babyroobs · 13/10/2021 23:49

@Sparklfairy

God, having a kid that isn't in the family at the meal would be so awkward and completely change the dynamic.
This.
Newmumatlast · 13/10/2021 23:53

@yutuko

We don't expect him to pay for the friend but FIL has said the friend shouldn't be coming with us, DS is very close to friend and if we said no I suspect DS would refuse to come and ruin the whole trip anyway.
To be honest I think yabu. Not in the sense that of course you can invite whoever to stay in accommodation youre paying for but because it sounds like you travel to this place for the purpose of visiting FIL. I dont think it matters that you don't expect him to pay for the friend's meal. It is odd that he would come to it and it really does change the dynamic. And if your son really wouldnt go to visit if he couldn't take his friend then I'd be disappointed in him to be honest. It isnt alot to ask for him to see his granddad. He no doubt sees his friends all the time.
2bazookas · 14/10/2021 00:01

@ThatsAllFolks

He is 16. fil agreed to him coming. He has travelled away from home as a guest. Of course it is unreasonable that he is left out of the meal. Wtaf. I would be mortified on behalf of the friend's family
FIL did not agree to the friend coming. That was DP. Fil didn't know until later, and he refused.
nettie434 · 14/10/2021 00:08

I'm going against the grain of most of the answers but I think it makes it for a much better experience for everyone, including your FIL, if the friend comes too. It might be different if you were staying with your FIL but as you are not, why should it matter to him? Why wouldn't he want to meet his grandson's friend so he gets a better insight into his life and interests?

worriedatthemoment · 14/10/2021 00:12

@Babyroobs why ? Is your family that unfriendly ? I mean its another person thats all
There is a group of mixed ages going anyway, little ones etc who likely won't be sat around all quiet at a meal
Its another teenager not an alien
Some families must be quite insular if another kid joining a meal is such a big deal

worriedatthemoment · 14/10/2021 00:14

@Vivi0 apparently not on MN , in real life I don't know of anyone who would mind, mine have gone with mates to grandparents houses and family meals as have their friends to ours
My mum even hosted my 16 year olds party for his mates as she has larger house

StrawBeretMoose · 14/10/2021 00:16

@yutuko

We'll be going for the week, DS will be at the meal but has said he probably wont be doing other things (like walks etc) as he'll be doing something else with his friend.

DS2 is 8 and BIL will also be visiting and niece is 1, so DS would be the only teenager if friend wasn't coming with us.

In my family the grandad would make the friend know they were welcome to the meal. It would be nice for the grandad to spend some amount of time with his grandson whilst also recognising that it's his week-long holiday from school and fair that he can spend time independently with his friend.
Namechangedforthethousandthtim · 14/10/2021 00:22

I don't think it's rude to take the friend. Your son is 16. It will be boring for him otherwise.

Stitchybitch79 · 14/10/2021 00:28

I'm team FIL. It shouldn't have been agreed that a friend comes, it changes the whole purpose of the visit.

AlexaShutUp · 14/10/2021 00:35

I think it's a bit odd to take a friend when visiting grandparents, and I certainly wouldn't take a friend without checking first how they felt about it.

I agree that some people set the bar very low for teenagers. My own 16yo would happily give up a few days to spend with family.

Hoesbeforebroes · 14/10/2021 00:45

I agree that some people set the bar very low for teenagers. My own 16yo would happily give up a few days to spend with family.

Can you not see the contradiction in what you've written? You're having a pop at other parents with your low bar comment, while admitting you haven't faced this issue because your teen would be happy to go. I imagine that's largely down to your family, and how pleasant, engaged and interested they have been throughout your teen's life.

Not all teens have had that positive experience and could be anywhere on a scale between unfussed and downright refusal when given the chance to visit relatives. What are your game changing parenting tips for dealing with that?

AlexaShutUp · 14/10/2021 00:57

What are your game changing parenting tips for dealing with that?

I don't have any tips. To be honest, if relationships have broken down to such an extent that the kids don't want to go, it's probably too late. I just think it's sad that it gets to that point.

I do agree that the fault is on the side of the adults who have failed to build the relationships. I just think it's a pity when you see people argue that it would obviously be boring for a teenager without a friend. Teenagers are actually perfectly capable of engaging with people who are not other teenagers. A lot of people treat children as though they're a different species, though, so maybe it's no wonder that their kids internalise this perspective.

JustRambling · 14/10/2021 01:39

As a grandmother I love to meet my grandchildren's friends and would never object to meeting them whether at dinner or not. The family are going for a week so presumably this meal is not the only time they will be meeting FIL.
As a 16 year old DS will be bored being the only teenager among the group and it makes sense for him to take a friend - after all it's his break from school too.
OP should offer to pay for friend and if FIL still objects then leave friend at the airbnb with takeaway - not the best outcome but seems to be the best compromise.