Page 8 | To think this isn't up to FIL?

yutuko · 2021-10-13T19:44:54+00:00

FIL lives a few hours away, and during half term we’re going to visit him. DS1(16) asked if his friend could come, DP said yes and we thought it was all sorted. We told FIL today (as FIL was talking about talking us all for a meal) and he said that it’s meant to be a family visit and he doesn't want to take the friend for a meal. We will be staying in an Airbnb so we didn't think it would be an issue for him and DS has said he and his friend will probably go somewhere together anyway. Am I BU to think this isn't up to FIL?

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 14/10/2021 02:07

@yutuko

We don't expect him to pay for the friend but FIL has said the friend shouldn't be coming with us, DS is very close to friend and if we said no I suspect DS would refuse to come and ruin the whole trip anyway.

Your DS sounds like a self-absorbed twat, and it's not hard to see where he gets it from.

His poor grandpa has probably gone months without seeing any of your over the last 18 months, and you can't even manage a weekend of family time.

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 14/10/2021 02:08

A 16 year old having a mind of their own and freely expressing their wants and needs has really riled a lot of you up

Hardly. It's the lack of kindness and consideration for someone who loves him.

me4real · 14/10/2021 02:16

I don't like it when people invite a random person along when we've araanged to meet up, without telling me, I think it's kind of cheeky. It's also not very relaxing.

TedMullins · 14/10/2021 02:17

It’s pretty normal for teenagers to find their family boring/embarrassing/cringe and prefer their mates isn’t it, even if they have a perfectly lovely family?

Can someone please explain this mentality that family and friends must be kept separate and it’s the height of rudeness to invite a friend on a family occasion because I really don’t get the issue. FIL will have one more teenager to converse with over a meal, big deal! He needs to get over it. It’s important for teenagers to develop independence, in my mind the sign of a good relationship between him and his granddad would be FIL welcoming his friend too. It’s bizarre to me that anyone thinks this is a problem, what exactly is unacceptable about mixing friends and family?

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/10/2021 06:50

FIL will have one more teenager to converse with over a meal, big deal!

Let's be realistic here if his mate is at the meal he won't be talking to his grandad will he, he will be conversing with his mate.

I agree with previous posters if he has absolutely no intention of actually spending any time with his grandad why take him at all. He might as well stay at home if he's not going to join in with the main purpose of the visit.

Dotsandco · 14/10/2021 07:00

Very rude of you to invite a stranger along to visit grandparents. And he's right...it will completely change the dynamics of the visit.

Grandparents love and miss their family like you simply can't imagine...and I'm betting it's nothing at all to do with money! It wouldn't matter a jot to me about a few extra pounds on a meal, but I'd be saddened that my grandchild felt unable to spend a few days in my company.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 14/10/2021 07:14

If it were me I’d want my grandchildren happy so they could bring whoever they liked.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/10/2021 07:17

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If it were me I’d want my grandchildren happy so they could bring whoever they liked.

Even if that meant they didn't spend any time with you and instead chose to solely socialise with the person they had brought with them?

Wouldn't you be sad that the idea of seeing you made them that unhappy they had instead chosen to bring someone with them to use as an excuse to get out of spending time with you.

Aderyn21 · 14/10/2021 07:26

I do think that D's needs to also join in on one or two other family activities. Bringing a friend is fine imo but only going to the meal isn't. I don't think it's unreasonable of grandad to expect to actually see ds!

tootootaataa · 14/10/2021 07:28

Family time is family time. Other people change dynamics. I would never do that to my parents, and feel for your FIL.

YABU

Vivi0 · 14/10/2021 07:31

Wouldn't you be sad that the idea of seeing you made them that unhappy they had instead chosen to bring someone with them to use as an excuse to get out of spending time with you

But that’s not what’s happening.

If it was a weekend visit, that’s fair enough. But it’s for a week. And it’s the 16 year old’s holiday too. He has said he will be bored. Not unhappy. And I can see why he would be.

I would never expect my child to play the martyr for a week to keep someone else happy.

Fuck, I wouldn’t do it myself.

His feelings are important too. Not to be disregarded because he’s only 16.

Fraine · 14/10/2021 07:33

Yep, that FIL think he can dictate who they can take on a half term break to a BnB because he’s paying for 1 meal is ridiculous.

Don’t pay for the fucking meal then!

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 14/10/2021 07:34

YABU - why should FIL want a stranger at his family meal?

Up to you who you invite to the accommodation, but I'd suggest if your son's friend wants to come that he entertains himself rather than go along to a family meal - takeaway and TV maybe.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/10/2021 07:35

If it was a weekend visit, that’s fair enough. But it’s for a week. And it’s the 16 year old’s holiday too. He has said he will be bored. Not unhappy. And I can see why he would be.

But that's exactly what's happening. He doesn't want to see his grandad at all even though his friend is coming. You said you'd do anything to make your grandchild happy in this instance the only thing that appears to achieve that outcome is for him to not spend any time with his grandad. Would you honestly not be sad if that was your grandchild?

silkience · 14/10/2021 07:41

When I read posts like these I'm sure grateful for my family and in laws, they are warm and welcoming, and would never create bad feelings over something like this. Many posters responding to this sound small minded and petty. Your fil is choosing to make a fuss out of this and create an atmosphere unnecessarily. Why not just welcome the friend? Presumably the first time he met OP she was the "stranger" at the family meal?!

Yanbu

BatshitCrazyWoman · 14/10/2021 07:44

@oakleydo

Fil is being unreasonable. Its not a big deal.

Your son is 16. Almost an adult. They're not kids

Will FIL be against partners coming along too, in the not too distant future?

Precisely this. And we have no idea what FIL is like. My father was grumpy, rude and judgemental as a grandfather.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 14/10/2021 07:45

How about a compromise?
The friend goes for the week but doesn’t attend that meal? That way your DS has the company he needs but your FiL gets your full attention during the meal.

FWIW I think the reasonableness depends on how long it’s been since you last saw him etc. If you see him every couple of weeks, then FiL is being U. If you haven’t seen him for 6 months or more for example, then you are being U.

Fraine · 14/10/2021 07:46

@PinkWaferBiscuit

If it was a weekend visit, that’s fair enough. But it’s for a week. And it’s the 16 year old’s holiday too. He has said he will be bored. Not unhappy. And I can see why he would be.

But that's exactly what's happening. He doesn't want to see his grandad at all even though his friend is coming. You said you'd do anything to make your grandchild happy in this instance the only thing that appears to achieve that outcome is for him to not spend any time with his grandad. Would you honestly not be sad if that was your grandchild?

Where does OP say he doesn’t want to see his granddad at all?!!

It’s a week long visit. Grandad needs to see how lucky ge is that they’re travelling for hours and staying a week to see him, or he will have fewer visits in future from DGC, who will 18 in no time at all.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/10/2021 07:49

Where does OP say he doesn’t want to see his granddad at all?!!

The OP said
We'll be going for the week, DS will be at the meal but has said he probably wont be doing other things (like walks etc) as he'll be doing something else with his friend.

That certainly makes it sound like he has already expressed that he won't be seeing or spending any time with his grandad expect for the meal don't you agree?

Vivi0 · 14/10/2021 07:50

@PinkWaferBiscuit

Where does OP say he doesn’t want to see his granddad at all?!!

The OP said
We'll be going for the week, DS will be at the meal but has said he probably wont be doing other things (like walks etc) as he'll be doing something else with his friend.

That certainly makes it sound like he has already expressed that he won't be seeing or spending any time with his grandad expect for the meal don't you agree?

Sounds like his wants to do things he enjoys on his holiday too - like anyone else would.

Fraine · 14/10/2021 07:52

I don’t think that means he doesn’t want to see his DGF at all!

Ge is just setting expectations by making it clear he wants to do other things too.

He is 16, and it’s his holiday too!

FilthyforFirth · 14/10/2021 07:57

I think it is super weird to take friends to visit family. It is for 1 week, presumably your DS sees his friend all the time.

I'm with your FIL. Yabu

PinkWaferBiscuit · 14/10/2021 07:58

Sounds like his wants to do things he enjoys on his holiday too - like anyone else would.

Which is perfectly fine although surely he could do some of those things with the relative he is actually going to visit? It certainly read to me and others on this thread that he's laying the groundwork for not seeing his grandad during the trip.

seaandsandcastles · 14/10/2021 08:02

It’s FIL meal, so yeah he gets to decide who attends. I also think it’s weird that you invited a friend to a family holiday to see your in laws.

You shouldn’t be basing your holidays and decisions about whether or not DS1 will ruin it if he doesn’t get his way.

Vivi0 · 14/10/2021 08:03

@PinkWaferBiscuit

Sounds like his wants to do things he enjoys on his holiday too - like anyone else would.

Which is perfectly fine although surely he could do some of those things with the relative he is actually going to visit? It certainly read to me and others on this thread that he's laying the groundwork for not seeing his grandad during the trip.

Then perhaps his grandfather could ask his grandson what he would like to do, and find out what he is interested in, rather than trying to exclude his 16 year old friend.