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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to do my meeting?

189 replies

OktoberFest · 13/10/2021 14:00

DC home today as unwell. I was supposed to be in the office but am staying home so can share childcare with husband who is WFH. I had an important client meeting at 10. He was teaching between 11 and 1.

I suggested he look after DC between 10 and 11 and I would take over after that so we can both do our meetings.

He said no, he needs to prepare between 10 and 11 and so I need to rearrange my meeting. He said his was in the diary 1st (which it is because he has a timetable for the year, but my job isn’t like that) and there are more people attending his lecture (which is routine part of his job) than are attending my client meeting.

I stood firm because it is possible for us both to do our meetings.

Mine finished at 10.45 in the end so I was able to take over childcare then.

He is furious with me.

AIBU to think we should both have been able to do our meetings?

I have been taking on so much recently that I feel very overwhelmed. I don’t want to be selfish but I also don’t want to mess up my own work.

OP posts:
SpinsForGin · 13/10/2021 20:41

If only he could have prepped at some other time and had some kind of table of times that told him when his lectures were..

😂😂
Exactly. If he is genuinely preparing for his lecture in the hour before it's due to take place then not only is he a shit husband he's a shit a academic too.

Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov · 13/10/2021 20:42

I think your mistake was probably having the dc at home.......

Original poster
OktoberFest · 13/10/2021 21:14

So I just asked about the plan for tomorrow if DC is still unwell as I think he may well still be too poorly to go in. He says DC is fine and, as covid test has come back negative, will be going in and if I disagree then I will have to look after him all day as he has to go into the office....

Obviously if I think DC is too ill to go in, I will keep him home and if I think he is well enough to go in, then he can go in, but I can't believe this is all on me and he is doing this.

OP posts:
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 13/10/2021 21:15

Really? You can’t believe it?

I believe it. People don’t change. This is who he is.

RandomMess · 13/10/2021 21:19

Seriously your life will be easier as a single parent because you will no longer face the resentment and disappointment of him refusing to parent and do his fair share.

If he won't do 50:50 then he'll have to pay maintenance.

Expedite getting your ducks in a row and prepare to divorce, he isn't going to make it easy as he's an entitled misogynistic prick.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 13/10/2021 21:21

Tell him to take his bags with him when he leaves in the morning because you're done.

FFS. Grow a spine and tell him to get to fuck.

VioletVesper · 13/10/2021 21:30

Are you happy OP? Because I appreciate all of commenting are merely outsiders to your relationship but it really does not sound as if he respects you nor makes your life any easier Flowers

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 13/10/2021 21:30

@OktoberFest

So I just asked about the plan for tomorrow if DC is still unwell as I think he may well still be too poorly to go in. He says DC is fine and, as covid test has come back negative, will be going in and if I disagree then I will have to look after him all day as he has to go into the office....

Obviously if I think DC is too ill to go in, I will keep him home and if I think he is well enough to go in, then he can go in, but I can't believe this is all on me and he is doing this.

Sure you can. You just don't want to accept it and what it means for your marriage. Basically he doesn't care, about you, your job or your DS. The sooner you accept that the better. Then you can make changes that will only improve your and DS's life.
WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 13/10/2021 21:35

He says DC is fine and, as covid test has come back negative, will be going in and if I disagree then I will have to look after him all day as he has to go into the office....

What an utterly twatish thing to say. If your dc is unwell he needs to do everything he can to ensure you can work, the same way you do everything you can to ensure he works - he sounds a complete knob

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/10/2021 21:40

So no one ever had a day off sick before covid? Seems strange.

Divorce him. At least then he'll have set days.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 13/10/2021 21:53

@OktoberFest

So I just asked about the plan for tomorrow if DC is still unwell as I think he may well still be too poorly to go in. He says DC is fine and, as covid test has come back negative, will be going in and if I disagree then I will have to look after him all day as he has to go into the office....

Obviously if I think DC is too ill to go in, I will keep him home and if I think he is well enough to go in, then he can go in, but I can't believe this is all on me and he is doing this.

Ah sorry OP but I may be in the minority now but you're straying into wet lettuce territory. You hold all the cards and are folding at all his bluffs. Just fucking get rid fgs. This reminds me of the end to Good Will Hunting in that your dilly-dallying is an insult to other members who don't have your circumstances.
billy1966 · 13/10/2021 22:06

OP,

Why on earth are you suprised?

He's nothing if not consistent.

He doesn't give a shit about you or his children.

He is utterly focused on doing as little as possible.

He is extremely consistent on that point.

Get organised and get him out.

TheSilveryPussycat · 13/10/2021 23:14

These men cause such spaghetti head that it takes time to unravel it all. So I suggest you a) remember to breathe and b) allow yourself to begin this unravelling process. PP have pointed out many things you could do, tbh I wouldn't think about them yet. Anyway, when you are ready you will know which one of those steps you yourself need to take.

(Not quite the same, but I had a cocklodging H who, when I lost my job, set up a business buying and selling from home. After the first year he announced that he had made a profit of £5,000 and that he was expecting to have a more reasonable profit in a couple of years. It was one of the last straws that decided me to file for divorce.)

Original poster
OktoberFest · 14/10/2021 08:18

So DS is much much better and well enough to go in, which is great but now I’m getting’I told you so’ when always said we’d need to see how he was in the morning and wanted to discuss a contingency plan in case he wasn’t well enough. I feel like I’m going crazy…

OP posts:
Goldbar · 14/10/2021 08:24

He really doesn't have your back, does he? It must be very unpleasant living with someone who just wants to niggle at you and get one over on you rather than parenting as a team.

DrWhoNowww · 14/10/2021 08:27

Oh OP he’s a peach isn’t he?

For what it’s worth now - you were not unreasonable.

Of course an actual meeting trumps an hours worth of prep for a 3 hour lecture that DH has had literally months to prepare for!

What was he going to achieve in that hour that he hadn’t already? Surely it should have all been planned well in advance? (Teachers are always telling us they work nights, weekends and all through their holidays so he must have had some time previously to do it?!Confused seems a little disorganised to leave it quite so last minute)

Glad DS is feeling better.

appleturnovers · 14/10/2021 08:53

YANBU.

The kid is sick - why does your husband think YOU have to rearrange but HE doesn't? Why couldn't he have done his prep 9-10? You'd already been flexible by working from home so that he didn't have to take a day off to look after DC, it was his turn to give a bit too.

Chipsinthewoods · 14/10/2021 09:07

Glad ds is better - I would be questioning why this has become a battle of who’s right rather than a collaboration. I honestly don’t have advice what to do next… but with this sort of behaviour he’s killing your relationship with a thousand cuts, if you lose faith in him and feel alone and unsupported in everything.

billy1966 · 14/10/2021 09:10

OP,

It is quite obvious he is a deeply unpleasant lazy piece of work.

Start organising yourself or suck up being utterly screwed for your future.

He sounds like a bully and you sound a bit afraid of him.

Get organised, get advice, get out.
Flowers

EerieSilence · 14/10/2021 09:18

He sounds like a self-important idiot. You have the financial power in your hands which is something most women in your situation don't.
You can always hire a nanny to look after your children if you need additional support and be better off emotionally and professionally because you won't have to rely on a prick.

Hopeisnotastrategy · 14/10/2021 10:33

You are not going crazy OP. It sounds like you are the only sane and reasonable adult in this relationship.

What his behaviour screams to me is this. Not only does he want to cocklodge on your coat tails, enjoying the fruits of your labours, he is also prepared to set you up to fail while you do so. Your professional credibility means nothing to him as long as he can play his nasty manchild games. I would not expect that to stop if he dropped his hours, in fact I would expect to to get worse as he learned he could get away with it.

Please think about that very carefully, and do not let yourself sleepwalk into a situation where he unilaterally decides to cut his hours. As he has shown again, he is not a team player.

Good luck. 💐

Amiwronghere · 14/10/2021 15:52

Your first thread appalled us all op. It’s not getting any better is it?

Spaceshiphaslanded · 14/10/2021 18:32

How ill is you DC? I ask because it’s really not hard to prepare for a meeting whilst also watching Bluey/peppa pig etc...come on. Surely we are all experts at this now 😂 he is BU. well done for standing your ground.

keeptheaspidistra · 14/10/2021 18:34

@OktoberFest

I’m genuinely baffled by the teachers on here who seem to think my work (as a lawyer) requires no prep and can easily be rearranged and that teaching and prep for teaching must seemingly always take precedence.

Interested in some of the points that have been raised to say iabu e.g. about other commitments/the rest of the morning etc. So thank you for those, but the suggestion that the fact its TEACHING means I should just suck it up seems crazy to me.

Why should I not expect him to do any emergency childcare before 11 when be are BOTH working and I have a meeting for an hour??? Because he’s a lecturer and I have a different job?? That makes no sense to me.

My job is demanding, stressful and hardwork as well. It also pays the majority of our bills.

It sounds like you're actually arguing about who is the most important. Which apparently is you.
BrieAndChilli · 14/10/2021 18:37

I don’t understand why he couldn’t still do his prep at 10-11 while also keeping an eye on the child? He wasn’t on a call so could have stopped for a couple of minutes here and there to see to the child’s need eg toilet or drink or quick cuddle. A poorly child can be sat in front of peppa pig for half an hour usually