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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I should be able to do my meeting?

189 replies

OktoberFest · 13/10/2021 14:00

DC home today as unwell. I was supposed to be in the office but am staying home so can share childcare with husband who is WFH. I had an important client meeting at 10. He was teaching between 11 and 1.

I suggested he look after DC between 10 and 11 and I would take over after that so we can both do our meetings.

He said no, he needs to prepare between 10 and 11 and so I need to rearrange my meeting. He said his was in the diary 1st (which it is because he has a timetable for the year, but my job isn’t like that) and there are more people attending his lecture (which is routine part of his job) than are attending my client meeting.

I stood firm because it is possible for us both to do our meetings.

Mine finished at 10.45 in the end so I was able to take over childcare then.

He is furious with me.

AIBU to think we should both have been able to do our meetings?

I have been taking on so much recently that I feel very overwhelmed. I don’t want to be selfish but I also don’t want to mess up my own work.

OP posts:
Pontypandytaxpayer · 13/10/2021 17:18

I'd love to see how the posters who think the Op is unreasonable would respond to this if Op was the teacher and her husband was the lawyer.

I'm guessing Op would still be the I unreasonable one!

Wife2b · 13/10/2021 17:22

@Pontypandytaxpayer

I'd love to see how the posters who think the Op is unreasonable would respond to this if Op was the teacher and her husband was the lawyer.

I'm guessing Op would still be the I unreasonable one!

I don’t think it matters whose job is what. It depends on the flexibility of the task in hand. Can a meeting be rescheduled? Probably. Can a 3 hour lecture be rescheduled? Probably not, so prep time will of course be required.

I wouldn’t expect OP to go into a 3 hour court hearing for example without an opportunity to prepare beforehand.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/10/2021 17:23

@Wife2b

Because if he can’t prep then he’s got a 3 hour (lecture I presume) with no plan? That’s an awful long time to wing it for. I don’t know your husbands schedule, he could have been in a meeting, student 1:1 etc etc before 11. He stipulated his prep time was 10-11 but you don’t say why. If it was to sit on his was then sure he was being unreasonable. A meeting for 1 hour seems easier to schedule than a 4 hour piece of work?
I've worked in education and my rule is that everything fails safe. I have a plan for no IT, a plan for no prep, a plan for flipping earthquakes. Because as a facilitator (in my case) you are the calm swan, paddling furiously.

I'd rather have the prep time but I'd have enough of a plan for three hours that it wouldn't sink me. Unless he's a shit educator, he should too.

TheWoleb · 13/10/2021 17:23

You've been over this and over this on here. You're not going to leave him. So, what is it that you want people to say?

I just very much hope you're doubling up on contraception.

Chipsinthewoods · 13/10/2021 17:24

@Pontypandytaxpayer

I'd love to see how the posters who think the Op is unreasonable would respond to this if Op was the teacher and her husband was the lawyer.

I'm guessing Op would still be the I unreasonable one!

Or if the OP was their lawyer with a meeting booked to discuss their divorce settlement, business sale or Will, paying £££/hour, and the OP cancelled it at an hours notice with a childcare emergency….

They’d be grumping away about how working mothers are so unreliable, need to be more organised and why couldn’t dad step in.

Pontypandytaxpayer · 13/10/2021 17:25

@Wife2b I think Op said it was a 2 hour lecture and that her DH did nothing last night while Op did some work to take pressure off.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 13/10/2021 17:26

@Wife2b

Because if he can’t prep then he’s got a 3 hour (lecture I presume) with no plan? That’s an awful long time to wing it for. I don’t know your husbands schedule, he could have been in a meeting, student 1:1 etc etc before 11. He stipulated his prep time was 10-11 but you don’t say why. If it was to sit on his was then sure he was being unreasonable. A meeting for 1 hour seems easier to schedule than a 4 hour piece of work?
OP has already said that she worked late last night to do her prep for the day because DC was looking like they’d be sick. DH didn’t. He could have prepped his lecture last night and wouldn’t have to wing it for four hours, even if he had other commitments this morning. Stop excusing his bullshit behaviour. He’s equally a parent and should act as such. If he’s a teacher/lecturer, he’s smart enough to identify DC would be sick (like OP did) and plan accordingly.

Sorry OP, with the other updates it sounds like you’re married to a complete wanker.

Goldbar · 13/10/2021 17:30

Wow, he's such a slacker.

He seems to have confused you with his mum as he's reverted to sulky teenager mode. Your role is to pay for him, clean up after him, care for his children, cook for him while he swans about following his interests and doing his oh-so-important "hobby" job part-time. Weird.

BoredZelda · 13/10/2021 17:34

His classes can’t be rearranged but your meeting possibly could be.

Classes are cancelled all the time for various reasons. And have you tried rearranging a work meeting for a time that suits all attendees? It isn’t that simple.

Theluggage15 · 13/10/2021 17:35

No actually, it’s very difficult to rearrange some client meetings.

BoredZelda · 13/10/2021 17:39

He stipulated his prep time was 10-11 but you don’t say why. If it was to sit on his was then sure he was being unreasonable.

She she stipulated her meeting was at 10-11, why does his job trump hers?

A meeting for 1 hour seems easier to schedule than a 4 hour piece of work?

I had a 1 hour meeting with two people yesterday. It has taken us 2 weeks to organise it and has moved 3 times because one of the attendees has a full diary. If it hadn’t happened yesterday as £35m construction project would have been delayed starting for a month, which means it would have finished too late to be open for the academic year in 2023 which means the building would sit empty and they would have to relocate an entire campus building for an extra year.

So no, it isn’t easier to delay a 1hr meeting.

Charley50 · 13/10/2021 17:39

Yes, but why were the kids off school? Wink

RandomMess · 13/10/2021 17:40

I don't understand why he couldn't possibly do any prep between 6.30-10am this morning rather than 10-11am like he wanted to?

I can't understand why he wouldn't be doing his prep a day in advance tbh Confused

onelittlefrog · 13/10/2021 17:42

If it was posisble to plan in advance so that he could prepare at another time, i.e. between 9 and 10, then YANBU.

If it was all last minute and you didn't know you'd have DC off school, then really you both have an equal claim to the time. He can't just jump in and teach for 2 hours without preparing beforehand. I think I would have tossed a coin.

It's not right that he suggested his work is more important than yours because more people are attending his lecture.

Both of your work is equally important and you both have equal childcare responsibilities.

ShowMeTheSugar · 13/10/2021 17:48

YANBU. Why would his prep time trump your meeting?

With your other updates about him, what are you getting out of the relationship?

DamnUserName21 · 13/10/2021 17:49

His time trumps yours, clearly!!!
As important as prep, I don't feel its more important than a scheduled work meeting (especially one set by others) and gave him opportunity to get his prep done earlier.
Agree with PPs-he is knob!

QueenBee52 · 13/10/2021 17:50

Your life with this cocklodger is awful..

Kick him the hell out ,..

Incywinceyspider · 13/10/2021 17:52

I'm a lawyer (or used to be anyway). Meetings, especially those with multiple people and barristers involved, can take weeks to sort out. Or they may be taking place to sort something out prior to an important court deadline. They can't always be rearranged at the drop of a hat.

YANBU OP. In the same way he wouldn't be unreasonable if you'd had an afternoon meeting and wanted to prep during his lecture. Actual scheduled time trumps prep.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 13/10/2021 17:54

You absolutely should and your DH is, as you already know, an utter prick.

He doesn’t value you or the job you do, he’s selfish and entitled.

And the misogynistic views on this thread are something else! Why the hell should OP bend over backwards to ensure the big important man has everything ideal for him?? It should be equal!

SpinsForGin · 13/10/2021 18:01

@Wife2b

Because if he can’t prep then he’s got a 3 hour (lecture I presume) with no plan? That’s an awful long time to wing it for. I don’t know your husbands schedule, he could have been in a meeting, student 1:1 etc etc before 11. He stipulated his prep time was 10-11 but you don’t say why. If it was to sit on his was then sure he was being unreasonable. A meeting for 1 hour seems easier to schedule than a 4 hour piece of work?
No lecturer worth their salt is prepping for a 3 hour lecture ONE HOUR before it's due to take place. That time might be used to check the tech, go over your notes but not actually write/prepare the session.

Most universities have an expectation that teaching materials are uploaded to the VLE in time for the students to access them. It has to be done 48 hours before the session at my university.

He's got much bigger problems if he's writing his lectures one hour before they're are taking place.

SpinsForGin · 13/10/2021 18:03

Can a 3 hour lecture be rescheduled? Probably not, so prep time will of course be required.

I wouldn’t expect OP to go into a 3 hour court hearing for example without an opportunity to prepare beforehand.

He's had plenty of time to prepare. He chose not to use it.

Skysblue · 13/10/2021 18:06

He was being highly unreasonable.

Important client meeting for main earner trumps routine teaching for lower earner, even if the times clashed which they did NOT - he was demanding your clients reschedule to fit around when he wants to prep. He could, as you said, have done his prep last night, like you did.

He obviously has no grasp of what it is like to work in the private sector.

I think there are huge undertones here of ‘man’s job js more important than woman’s job, woman must do all childcare’

I would be furious with him.

sonjadog · 13/10/2021 18:06

If it is a three hour lecture, he isn't going to be able to write it in the hour before anyway, so that cause was already lost long before today.

Dhcfisssifjrsnxfjds · 13/10/2021 18:09

Haven’t read the PP - whatever they say, clearly he was in the wrong. It is indisputable. OP you were entirely right to go ahead with your meeting. He can organise himself better next time, and has ample time to front load his work and chose not to. He just expected wifey to cave in. Good thing she didn’t. Every time you give up ground like that they take a little more.

itsallgoingpearshaped · 13/10/2021 18:12

He's a twat. But you already knew that when he told you he wanted to go part time so he could have more hobby time AND refused to pick up childcare and housework slack, even though you work full time and make more money.

I'd have gone to work. And made an appointment with a divorce solicitor to go over your options.

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