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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you were left £450k inheritance, would you give your adult children something?

548 replies

Jinnybean · 13/10/2021 12:39

Mil has been left a large sum. She’s always said that she will give Dh £10k.

It’s been nearly a year and she hasn’t mentioned it at all. We know she had the money a month ago.

I can’t imagine having that much money are not helping my children/grandchildren out. She is mortgage free.

Would you help your Dc out?

OP posts:
sbfptw · 13/10/2021 13:43

@Jinnybean

Mil has been left a large sum. She’s always said that she will give Dh £10k.

It’s been nearly a year and she hasn’t mentioned it at all. We know she had the money a month ago.

I can’t imagine having that much money are not helping my children/grandchildren out. She is mortgage free.

Would you help your Dc out?

Perhaps she is considering the inheritance tax implications. But tbh, you are sounding very greedy. It's her money, let her do with it what she will. None of your business really
NewModelArmyMayhem18 · 13/10/2021 13:43

I'm not sure that £10K is worth getting angsty about really. It's certainly not a life-changing amount.

I think you'd be surprised at how many people think they'd be generous with money but when they get their greedy paws on it, suddenly they need every penny!

grapewine · 13/10/2021 13:44

I'll be absolutely get dragged for this, I know, but if they expected it, then I probably wouldn't.

MalagaNights · 13/10/2021 13:44

Depends.

Do they need it?

Do I need it? (mortgage isn't the only expense.)

Do I have plans for things I'd like to do with it? (nice indulgent things or practical things I need for health and care?)

Are my kids nice, kind and appreciative?

It would be my money and I'd decide based on many factors.

Not on a 'you should have to give me some' basis.

Longdistance · 13/10/2021 13:45

I’d give my two kidneys to my dds if they needed them.
We’re just about to invest in something very soon, yes, dh and I will benefit in the short term, but in the long run dds will get it.

TatianaBis · 13/10/2021 13:45

Missed the mortgage free - still has the escalating costs of old age.

Good care homes in London and the SE start at 50,000 pa.

julieca · 13/10/2021 13:46

@episcomama

I'm green with envy at the number of people getting inheritances! My parents won't have any estate when they go. No rich relatives. How the other half live.
Me too. We have had to totally make our own way.
TatianaBis · 13/10/2021 13:46

@NewModelArmyMayhem18

I'm not sure that £10K is worth getting angsty about really. It's certainly not a life-changing amount.

I think you'd be surprised at how many people think they'd be generous with money but when they get their greedy paws on it, suddenly they need every penny!

All of this.

MN is very good at being theoretically generous.

stayathomer · 13/10/2021 13:46

I can't believe she is so mean!of course I would give a large chunk of that to my grown up kids.
Somebody DIED belonging to her less than a few months ago and or you have no idea about the op's mil's situation- perhaps she's planning on surprising the family with the money.

Marelle · 13/10/2021 13:47

I’d give virtually all of it to my DC. If I kept it, it would just end up being taken by the government when I inevitably ended up in a care home.

bigbluebus · 13/10/2021 13:47

I received an inheritance from my DM - but nowhere near that amount. I used some of it to buy DS a car and I drip £200pm into a Help to Buy ISA for him. But I haven't given him a lump sum. When DH's DM dies, if there's any inheritance left (she's 93 now so may need care any time soon) then she has made provision for a % to go directly to her grandchildren before the rest us divided between her 3 sons. If DS were in a position to be buying a house at that point (he's the eternal student atm) then we would undoubtedly help him out with a bit more money. We've paid off our mortgage and our pension arrangements should give us enough to live reasonably comfortably so would rather DS benefitted - and he knows that but he also knows that inheritance isn't a given and that circumstances can change which may mean we can't help him as we would like to.
I think it's mean to not give some of your inheritance away unless you can't afford to.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 13/10/2021 13:47

@mygenericusername

My parents are very much like this. I’ll get it one day apparently but in reality it will be pissed up the wall on care home fees. I’ve planned for zero inheritance.
How are using it for care home fees "pissing it up the wall"?
julieca · 13/10/2021 13:48

@Marelle then you will have zero choice about where you go and no money to pay for things to make your life better.

GrandTheftWalrus · 13/10/2021 13:50

My parents won at least 10k on the lottery. I never saw a penny even though me and dh were struggling immensely, think buying yellow label bread and freezing it just so we could eat for a couple of days.

They actually told their friends they had won and weren't telling me because I would want some money.

So I imagine if they came into a lot of money they wouldn't help. I'd love them to so we can move but not likely.

TatianaBis · 13/10/2021 13:50

@Marelle

I’d give virtually all of it to my DC. If I kept it, it would just end up being taken by the government when I inevitably ended up in a care home.
So - rather than take responsibility for yourself and use your good fortune to fund your care, you'd disperse your own money and force the taxpayers fund you?

It's the pensioner equivalent of packing in a perfectly good job to live on the dole (except much more expensive).

SinisterBumFacedCat · 13/10/2021 13:50

Of course I would help DC, and if it was that large an inheritance they would be getting more than £10k.

My DM did the same to me, said she wanted to share her inheritance from my DSF. She is mortgage free and a landlord. She gradually changed her mind to the point where she said I could ask her for a certain amount and she would “consider” it. So I asked, for a fraction of what she originally offered, and guess what, she said No. So I am not going to ask her for anything ever again because I know she enjoyed the power boos or refusing me.

I have helped my mum a lot since her husband died, she even lived with us, she has become gradually meaner, the money may have changed her. I had to literally prize the amounts bequeathed to his family from her.

I have health issues and even the small amount would have made a big difference to my family. I don’t think she will leave me anything in her will, I feel very used by her. It has massively changed my opinion of her and her feelings for me, but I do still love her.

Porcupineintherough · 13/10/2021 13:51

@Marelle in return for some care I'd presume? And maybe even your own room and bathroom and a chouce of meals and activities. Personally Id pay quite a lot not to end my days in the type of care home that accepts council only funding

BigSandyBalls2015 · 13/10/2021 13:51

I most definitely would share a big inheritance like that with my adult children. It's far more difficult for them to get good jobs and get on the housing ladder than it was in the early 90s when me and DH did it.

My in laws inherited a lot a few years ago and paid off our mortgage, they've always been super generous. MIL says it gives her great pleasure to see us enjoying it whilst she is still alive.

I cannot get my head around sitting on a load of money and watching our DDs struggle.

Embroidery · 13/10/2021 13:52

My dad wouldnt unfortunately. But I wouldnt give him any either.
I would for my own kids. Its a generational thing.

TopCatsTopHat · 13/10/2021 13:54

A month isn't long.
Most people would share it with their children. But her inheritance is hers to do with as she wishes and you need to let this go and accept whatever happens for your own good and for that of your relationship. Don't let 10k make you bitter.
I speak from experience, my own very close family member came into a life changing sum of money from an inheritance of a mutual relative. No-one knows why the relative didn't share the money evenly as the person who benefitted was no more close to them than anyone.
Anyway, I was slowly sinking financially at the time and heading towards bankruptcy so really could have used even a tiny tiny gift from it. In reversed positions it would not have occured to me not to share. They didn't share. In the end they made a different choice and used the money for themselves. Luckily I managed to escape bankruptcy and am in a better situation now.
I still maintain our relationship because I don't think that money failing to come my way should lose me that, the relationship is not selfish in other ways.

Penners99 · 13/10/2021 13:54

Not one penny

pandora206 · 13/10/2021 13:55

A month isn't very long to sort out things, assuming everything is actually tied up. It can takes quite a time to tie up an estate.

With regard to making gifts there are also considerations of inheritance tax (if she dies within 7 years) and deprivation of assets (no time scale for this) if she ever needs residential care.

Does MiL have a mortgage herself to pay off? What about her pension, is it sufficient for her to live on for the rest of her life? How is her own health? Would it pay for care home fees if required? It can be an eye opening to do financial projections for the years beyond retirement. Maybe she has thoughts about her long term needs and has changed her mind.

Having said all of that 10k isn't very much to a son or daughter, so that does seem to be reasonable as a gift, particularly if the child/ren are not in a strong position financially.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 13/10/2021 13:56

So - rather than take responsibility for yourself and use your good fortune to fund your care, you'd disperse your own money and force the taxpayers fund you?

The difference between funding a couple of years in a care home suffering, ill health, dementia, loss of dignity etc or helping younger relatives buy a home they could raise a family in and live 30+ years. No contest really.

WoodchipNightmares · 13/10/2021 13:56

This happened in my family; the DGPs split everything between their DCs, with the expectation that some would be passed onto the DGCs if the inheritance happened when they were (a) adults and (b) could be trusted not to piss it up a wall.

By the time they died, the DCs were in late middle age / early retirement and had paid off their mortgages, and had no need of such large sums of money. The DGCs were millenials struggling to get on the housing ladder. So, the bulk of the money was redirected straight to the DGCs.

Has anyone had a chat to your MIL about inheritance tax implications? Being mortgage free with £450k in the bank she's certainly over the IHT threshold if she's single and almost certainly if she's married. Giving some away as a gift at least 7 years before she dies will mean that IHT (40%!) isn't payable on that gift.

Care home fees are another factor to consider, though the rules around deprivation of assets are much more complicated, and people tend to be rather more in denial about future care needs than the inevitability of their own death, so I'd go in with the IHT argument.

HollaHolla · 13/10/2021 13:57

My Mum inherited about £100k when her brother died. He was unmarried and childless, so she was his sole inheritor.
She passed £10k on to each of me, and my siblings. I spent mine on a car, a new bathroom, and towards a long-haul trip I'd been wanting to take, and had discussed a lot with my Uncle (so I knew he'd approve!) My brother put it into his mortgage. I think my sister used it to extend her maternity leave.
I don't know if we'll get anything when my folks die; I'd rather they spent it on themselves. We're lucky to be able to afford what we need, and they might need help with care, as they get older.

I do think that a month isn't long to wait. It's so exhausting to deal with the unpicking and processing of an estate of a loved one. I'd cut her a bit of slack.