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Original poster

Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

608 replies

TheRealAnnabelleBronstein · 12/10/2021 13:21

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

OP posts:
RhiWrites · 12/10/2021 13:27

If it were me, I’d recuse myself from the meeting. I’d call in a colleague and explain that you think this may be someone you have a personal connection to and you don’t want that to influence the purchase decision so you’d like them to review the demo on your behalf. Then you can look at the meeting notes.

HarrietsChariot · 12/10/2021 13:28

I'd play along, make sure she wastes as much time and energy on the demo and presentation as possible. Even if they're the best deal do everything in your power not to go with them. But string them along for as long as you can.

Ultimately she's a vile piece of work, and it doesn't reflect well on the company that they'd hire her. Presumably your business has a policy on ethics and bullying? If so, you can't use them - even if on paper they're the best option.

Justajot · 12/10/2021 13:30

If you're that senior, can you ask if she's who you think she is and then ask for a different sales person for your call. They won't want to lose the sale, so will probably swap her out.

Quartz2208 · 12/10/2021 13:31

Yes I think recuse yourself or play it completely as if she isnt that person.

Anything else puts YOU at risk for being unprofessional

ftw163532 · 12/10/2021 13:32

but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I'm sorry you had a difficult time but that would be both immoral and unprofessional.

CrumpleHornedSnowcack · 12/10/2021 13:32

I would outright ask her if she went to blabla school & if she says yes tell her you remember her with a stern look on your face

emmaluggs · 12/10/2021 13:32

Part of me felt that she had probably changed since then, but for her to go to the extreme she did and at 15 I can see why you feel in a quandary, Ultimately you seem quite level headed in that you know if it’s the best product, I’d just make a it as difficult as you can. That aside there is every chance she has changed and is remorseful for how she’s behaved in her past.

CounsellorTroi · 12/10/2021 13:33

She may not recognise you, she may not remember how she used to bully you. Bullies often seem to forget they were bullies after they’ve left school. Lots of people were bullied but no one was ever a bully! I have come face to face with bullies who just acted all friendly.

nc87651 · 12/10/2021 13:33

Honestly, I'd move past it. This must have happened what, 20+ years ago? I'd assume the bully had done some growing up by then. And god knows what her home life must have been like as a teen to be such a nasty person.

Let it go. Be an adult. Treat this meeting as any other.

Hoppinggreen · 12/10/2021 13:33

@HarrietsChariot

I'd play along, make sure she wastes as much time and energy on the demo and presentation as possible. Even if they're the best deal do everything in your power not to go with them. But string them along for as long as you can.

Ultimately she's a vile piece of work, and it doesn't reflect well on the company that they'd hire her. Presumably your business has a policy on ethics and bullying? If so, you can't use them - even if on paper they're the best option.

I was bullied at school as was DD more recently and while I would like to see them all rot in hell (bollocks to forgiveness etc) how would the company know this person used to bully OP? I doubt it was on her CV If I were you OP I might even enjoy it, I wouldn’t let in I knew her but I would give her a really hard time over her pitch and ask lots of very difficult questions. IF the solution is the best for your company go for it but don’t make any of it easy for her
10yearwarranty · 12/10/2021 13:35

@HarrietsChariot

I'd play along, make sure she wastes as much time and energy on the demo and presentation as possible. Even if they're the best deal do everything in your power not to go with them. But string them along for as long as you can.

Ultimately she's a vile piece of work, and it doesn't reflect well on the company that they'd hire her. Presumably your business has a policy on ethics and bullying? If so, you can't use them - even if on paper they're the best option.

They aren't hiring her, they are taking presentations from companies who can offer them a software solution. No, you really can't decide the outcome of a tendering process based on allegations of bullying by one of their employees while they were at school. Op - let your manager know about this, leave them to decide if they want you to be part of the process or not. I'm assuming that you won't be the sole decision maker.
Northernsoullover · 12/10/2021 13:35

Surely it's a conflict of interest? You need to establish if its the same person and go from there.

Noeuf · 12/10/2021 13:36

Get someone else to do it if you can’t put a 20+ year old grudge aside. Same advice if you are traumatised but your ‘walk in the park’ comment suggests not. Spite has no place at work.

steponthetightrope · 12/10/2021 13:36

Make her squirm, and enjoy it, then bin her!

SleepingStandingUp · 12/10/2021 13:37

How old were you / are you?

If you can't be professional then be upfront with work and get out of it. If she twigs who you are, deflect/deny and refocus back on work.

As for it doesn't reflect well on the company that they'd hire her, what?? It doesn't reflectg well in a company that they don't know someone they possibly hired in their 30s or 40s was a little shit several decades ago?? Do you give childhood scho references to every job you go to @HarrietsChariot?

whosaidtha · 12/10/2021 13:37

Im sorry she was so horrible to you. Being bullied is awful.
But I'm of the mind that people change a lot. It's been 17years since I was 15 and I'm a completely different person (I was never a bully though) and I'd hate people to judge me for who I was.
You have to take the high road. Treat her as if you don't know her. Hope she doesn't say anything. Anything less would be unprofessional and likely lead to a complaint that you unfairly didn't give her the work due to past grudges.
Good luck.

roses2 · 12/10/2021 13:37

@CrumpleHornedSnowcack

I would outright ask her if she went to blabla school & if she says yes tell her you remember her with a stern look on your face
I would do this plus make it as difficult and drawn out as possible. But then I'm a really petty person.
titchy · 12/10/2021 13:38

Presumably your business has a policy on ethics and bullying? If so, you can't use them - even if on paper they're the best option.

Seriously?! "Hi Chief exec. Yeah Acme we're by far the cheapest and best product but the sales person was a bit of a bully as a school child so I decided not to appoint" Hmm

Deep breath, put your shared childhood out of your mind, stick a pin in a doll under the desk if you have to. But you're a professional. Childhood events (whether yours or someone else's) must NOT enter into your professional dealings with others.

AChickenCalledDaal · 12/10/2021 13:38

If at all possible get someone else to handle the meeting. Quite apart from how you would feel, you are not in a position to run a transparent and fair procurement process.

I disagree that your organisation's bullying policy is relevant. Not many of us would be happy about our behaviour as a teenager being used to deny us millions of pounds worth of business now.

girlmom21 · 12/10/2021 13:39

I would be completely professional and disregard the child that she was 20 years ago, personally...

Unless she recognises you and tries to act like you were friends. Then I'd make it very clear you're happy to be civil on a work level and don't want to discuss anything other than this project.

JaneW70 · 12/10/2021 13:41

Work is not personal. As traumatic as your bullying was if you can't detach from your school life 20 years ago, you need to seek help.

Hairwizard · 12/10/2021 13:41

I would have to ask if she went to such and such school at whatever time frame and make sure she knew who i was without actually mentioning the shit time she gave me all in a very nice 'jees such a small world' kind of way and then carry on with call while secretly hoping shes sweating like fuck thinking shes blown it.

Haffdonga · 12/10/2021 13:41

I'd go to the presentation and ask searching questions (as you would anyway) without appearing to recognise her. If her company looks likely to win the bid then disclose to your team that you have a personal connection with her and that you would find it difficult to work with her. Step back from the decision process and if her company wins anyway then make it clear you won't deal with her but her manager.

They'll be quite happy to ditch her if it will help them win a big contract

titchy · 12/10/2021 13:41

And remember she needs you more than you need her at the moment. So if she does recognise you - smile! "Hello Janice I wondered whether it was really you. How are you these days?" The power dynamic is in your favour, as is the fact that it's Zoom and not face to face.

JassyRadlett · 12/10/2021 13:42

Ultimately she's a vile piece of work, and it doesn't reflect well on the company that they'd hire her. Presumably your business has a policy on ethics and bullying? If so, you can't use them - even if on paper they're the best option.

For something that happened over twenty years ago when the person in question was a minor? That’s a ludicrous statement.