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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

608 replies

TheRealAnnabelleBronstein · 12/10/2021 13:21

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

OP posts:
RobinPenguins · 12/10/2021 15:17

@HarrietsChariot

I'd play along, make sure she wastes as much time and energy on the demo and presentation as possible. Even if they're the best deal do everything in your power not to go with them. But string them along for as long as you can.

Ultimately she's a vile piece of work, and it doesn't reflect well on the company that they'd hire her. Presumably your business has a policy on ethics and bullying? If so, you can't use them - even if on paper they're the best option.

You really think someone’s behaviour as a teenager decades ago reflects badly on a company that employs them at, presumably, at least 20 years down the line? To do what you suggest would be really unprofessional and paint the OP’s company in a bad light - suppliers talk to each other too and companies can get a reputation as someone they don’t want to provide services to.

I wasn’t a bully but I was an annoying little shitbag at 15. It has zero bearing on my performance in my job now, or my organisation’s decision making for hiring me.

butterpuffed · 12/10/2021 15:18

@FallingStar21

I'd go on the call if other people (especially from her company) are also present, then verify if it's her through a few innocuous questions. If it is indeed her, I'd say "oh yes, I know you. You used to do/say x (insert horrible thing she's done or said). You were a vile bully back then". And wait for her to respond / wish the ground to swallow her in embarrassment in front of you and the other attendants Grin Afterwards just politely and professionally watch the demo.
Everyone on the zoom call would think OP was crazy Shock
SofiaMichelle · 12/10/2021 15:18

@PrivateHall

I think some of the posters replying perhaps haven't been severely bullied before. The priority here is to protect yourself. I was in a very similar position recently and confided in a colleague, who discreetly ensured I never had to set eyes on her. I didn't think it was necessary at the time, but after, when I heard how difficult and unpleasant she had been with my colleagues, I was incredibly relieved that I didn't have to face her again. Scars from bullying run deep, I think you should be led by whether you want to be face to face with her (even on Zoom!). It really isn't nice having those traumatic memories dredged up and anyone who dismisses it just because it was 20 years ago has clearly never experienced anything as bad as you did.
Absolutely this.

I'm actually quite appalled reading some of these dismissive posts, saying things like "people change...", "it's a long time ago..."

Do some of you not realise that some people carry the mental scars childhood bullying throughout most of their lives?

Actually, you'll probably reply with something about how she needs counselling or some other flippant, off-the-cuff dismissal of her feelings.

OP is under zero obligation to forgive and forget and has every right to handle this however she likes, and if that's to take advantage of her position of power over this bully then great.

anon12345678901 · 12/10/2021 15:18

Some people on here have not grown up since high school. It's a job, not a social setting. You act professional.
And yes, I was bullied relentlessly for years.

Hardbackwriter · 12/10/2021 15:18

God, this thread is a great example of why never to ask questions about work on MN, especially during the standard working day. About 70% of people commenting seem to have never actually had a job.

KingsleyShacklebolt · 12/10/2021 15:19

Completely agree, @JesusIsAnyNameFree. Some of the responses are just batshit crazy. The sort of thing that you'd expect to see in some really shitty "Real Housewives" style tv show, or created as drama in Eastenders or similar. Or on a made up MN thread which finishes "and then everyone stood up and applauded".

Totally unprofessional.

10yearwarranty · 12/10/2021 15:20

Some of the replies on here are really funny. Grin

10yearwarranty · 12/10/2021 15:21

How do you get to head of finance for a huge organisation and not know how to deal with this?

Crazycrazylady · 12/10/2021 15:22

Honestly in real life I wouldn't do business with her,

RobinPenguins · 12/10/2021 15:22

It’s not flippant or not understanding bullying to advise the OP to pay no attention to some of the Real Housewives-esque shite that’s being suggested.

It’s not saying “oh it wasn’t that bad” or “they’ve changed”, it’s saying, if you do this you’ll look fucking mental, deeply unprofessional, tbh a bit pathetic, and it’s your own career you’ll be harming. Shafting your own career, yeah that’s how to get one over the bullies Hmm

MrsRobbieHart · 12/10/2021 15:23

It’s not about forgiving and forgetting, it’s not about whatever the bully might have been going through as a child or might be going through now as an adult, it’s not about the bully might have changed.

It’s about OPs security in her position as work and the value of her future earning potential. That is far more valuable and beneficial to OP than 5 seconds of being witty on a zoom call.

godmum56 · 12/10/2021 15:23

@titchy

And remember she needs you more than you need her at the moment. So if she does recognise you - smile! "Hello Janice I wondered whether it was really you. How are you these days?" The power dynamic is in your favour, as is the fact that it's Zoom and not face to face.
This. For your own sake don't do or say anything personal or unprofessional that will reflect on you. You know the saying "Living well is the best revenge"
SophieKaczynsky · 12/10/2021 15:24

I've come into contact with several old bullies of mine through the years via work. I'm always very cool and offhand with them, whilst being very polite and professional. A few have recognised me and I've just said to them that I don't remember them from school.

EvenRosesHaveThorns · 12/10/2021 15:25

Do the meeting, make sure you're fully composed and killing it. Then at the end (or the start) make an offcuff remark about your school times together (oh, I've finally realised where I recognise you from, we went to X together, that was an interesting time/you haven't changed at all/I remember you very well) or something cutting along those lines and wait for the face drop, always maintaining the high ground ;-)

JesusIsAnyNameFree · 12/10/2021 15:25

@Hardbackwriter

God, this thread is a great example of why never to ask questions about work on MN, especially during the standard working day. About 70% of people commenting seem to have never actually had a job.
Some of us are working right now 😂 I'm sat in a company meeting from home spinning in my chair. Yes yes, you don't discriminate and take pride in being multicultural and supporting LBTQ etc etc, you say this in every bloody meeting!
GatoradeMeBitch · 12/10/2021 15:28

I think you should take part. It might not even be her.

And if it is, better to have all the relevant information. If they happen to tie with another company, at least you won't have to waste any time choosing between them.

fashionSOS · 12/10/2021 15:29

Edwina Dyson clearly made life hell for you. But as much as you remember her, she might not remember Eleanor Smyth. Assuming she's grown up (as most people do), reconciling her maturity now with the identity of the bully she once was will be difficult, and she may well have blocked out some of the details in order to move on with her life.

Bullying is awful, and as you know, can lead to some very tragic and permanent consequences. However, in this country, we believe in rehabilitation not punishment, which means if people do bad things, we hope that they will understand what they did was wrong, pay a penance and then be reintegrated into normal society again (unless they're a very real danger to others).

Most bullies don't need to be locked up for the rest of their lives. Most of them are dealing with their own pain and/or haven't matured as fast as they're supposed to, and just aren't processing increasingly complicated emotions properly. It's not right that they've taken out their circumstances on other children, but the blame really lies with the adults who haven't identified the bully and taken steps to stop them harming others.

There's a reason we don't let children live independently - they're not yet capable of adulting. Adults are supposed to notice when they're behaving badly and guide them into acceptable behaviour or, in the worst case scenario, lock them up if need be. You were failed by your teachers and Edwina's guardians, but so was she. She shouldn't have been allowed to have been that awful.

Most things that make people bully others are things that can be dealt with, i.e. most bullies can be reformed and released back into human company.

If someone was a little shit at school and it's only a year later, chances are, they're probably still a little shit. But if you're now head of finance, you've got to be, what, at least in your 30s if not older? That's enough time for Edwina Dyson to have got her life together. She's married now - which suggests she was able to redeem herself enough for at least one person to see some good in her. It's very, very unlikely Edwina Craig-Dyson is the same horrid girl you remember.

It's only natural to want to somehow shame or embarrass Edwina, because you have no idea what she did to atone, if anything. I mean, she's probably a better human now, who has had to confront what a little shit she was, and make her peace with that, but you don't know for sure, and the younger you hasn't forgotten the hurt. But actually following through with that desire to lash out isn't the right thing to do, and I think you know that.

If you attempt to use your success now to belittle Edwina, you're showing that you haven't moved on from your childhood. I think it will undermine who you are now, and the great things you've achieved. Bad idea.

The advice to rise above is difficult to swallow, but it's all I have for you. You've made something out of your life, you really have - tearing down people who hurt you on the way to get here isn't going to make your life now any better, because it's already pretty damn good.

Be the bigger person.

GatoradeMeBitch · 12/10/2021 15:31

Then at the end (or the start) make an offcuff remark about your school times together

I don't think this would be smart. If the company doesn't go with them, she might start spreading rumours that OP is unprofessional or even make a complaint.

anon12345678901 · 12/10/2021 15:31

@RobinPenguins

It’s not flippant or not understanding bullying to advise the OP to pay no attention to some of the Real Housewives-esque shite that’s being suggested.

It’s not saying “oh it wasn’t that bad” or “they’ve changed”, it’s saying, if you do this you’ll look fucking mental, deeply unprofessional, tbh a bit pathetic, and it’s your own career you’ll be harming. Shafting your own career, yeah that’s how to get one over the bullies Hmm

This. I don't think people get how petty and ridiculous this would look to the company. And it would not go down well if the bully reported back to HR, which she would have every right to do. All it would do is put OPs job at risk. And for nothing.
fashionSOS · 12/10/2021 15:32

@10yearwarranty

How do you get to head of finance for a huge organisation and not know how to deal with this?
Bit unkind.

There are certain scenarios that make most people revert to a childlike state. Living with their parents again after a long period of living independently is one example. Being confronted by their school bullies is another. As much as we all grow up, we can all be triggered into more juvenile behaviour - the trick to realise what's happening to you and to actively force yourself to think like the adult you now are, rather than regressing.

Tomselleckhaskindeyes · 12/10/2021 15:34

Teach her the fucking lesson of her life. Hi Edwina i remember you from school......... let her see that the person holding the purse strings is the person she was fucking awful to.

SofiaMichelle · 12/10/2021 15:37

This. I don't think people get how petty and ridiculous this would look to the company. And it would not go down well if the bully reported back to HR, which she would have every right to do. All it would do is put OPs job at risk. And for nothing.

A prospective supplier 'reporting back to HR' with regard to a head of department?? Really??

I've read some shite on MN and this is up there with the best of it.

MrsRobbieHart · 12/10/2021 15:39

Teach her the fucking lesson of her life. Hi Edwina i remember you from school

Confused yes. That’s truly will be the lesson of her life. 😂

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 12/10/2021 15:39

If you can, then my advice would be to just be completely professional.
Pretend you have no idea who she is. Even if she says "Are you Eleanor Smyth?" just say no, I am Eleanor Johnson and move on.
If she says anything at all that suggests she might know/recognise you, just stare blankly and say "No, sorry, I have no idea who you are or were"

Being forgotten completely will strip her of any power she may have thought she still had.

And then give the contract to someone else. Wink

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 12/10/2021 15:39

You cannot let bullying at school interfere with your professional work decades later, especially when you are responsible for multi million dollar contracts.
You'd be putting yourself and your company in extreme risk.
If you don't think you can handle the situation, ask to be replaced for the demo.
Nothing you do or say in a work zoom meeting will help you deal with your trauma.