Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

[TheRealAnnabelleBronstein]

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

I’d recuse myself from the meeting and alert my manager that it was because of a personal conflict but not one that you want to influence decision making. Ultimately you want the best and best-priced software solution for your company. Yes it would suck if this person got the sales commission from it, but at least you haven’t had to sit in the interview being sales-pitched at her.

I’d also book some therapy sessions to talk through my feelings about the conflict, but then I’m very fond of therapy.

(On a petty level it would be nice to sit through the meeting being spiky, frosty, arsey, a bit difficult – but if your colleagues are on too they’re going to wonder why you’re suddenly doing a Miranda Priestley impression.)

You own the situation like a boss from the off is what you do.

So you come on all smiles and "Oh hey Edwina is that you? It's been 20 years now. Oh you don't recall me? I recall you. Let me tell everyone. Everyone, Edwina used to bully me relentlessly at school and was the school bully. But it's good to see she's moved on and managed to grow. How exciting that you want to pitch something to me. So come Edwina. Would be great to see if I feel we could work with you if it's the right fit".

She will feel awful if it was her and still have to do a presentation and hope you like it.

Revenge is a dish most definitely best served cold...very cold.

@LookItsMeAgain

At this stage it's just sitting through a demonstration of what their product can do, right? They would still have to go out to tender for that contract, right?

So - my advice is to find out if it is the same person you knew from that time ago and if it is, explain that you need a different demonstrator/sales person from that company as you cannot deal with her. If they want to proceed with the demonstration, they should rearrange the meeting for another time (to allow for another person to step in and come up to speed) or cancel the meeting if they don't have anyone suitable to step in. This is on them to sort out, not your company. You're the buyer here. You can decide who you want to trade with.

This is what I would do. In fact, I have been in a similar situation.

When my dad was in hospital dying my high school bully was one of the nurses on his ward. She made my life a misery for years. I went to the charge nurse/ward manger and asked that this particular nurse stayed away from us during an artist difficult time. She asked why and I told her that she had bullied me badly in school, my mum had recognised her and I didn't want my parents upset any more than necessary. She was very understanding and we never saw bully nurse again

At the time I just needed her as far away from me as possible but looking back I hope the charge nurse spoke to her and told her exactly why she's was to stay away from us.

Anyone who tells you to rise above it and be the bigger person had obviously never been badly bullied. Do what you need to do, OP. If you can't deal with her, ask for someone else to deliver the presentation.

Look at your conflict of interest policy. In my role we need to declare if we know anyone when considering applications. It sounds like you are very senior and to escalate higher would be out of process.

I’d take part in the pitching process, declare that you know her (if you do) but recuse yourself if the scoring is very close between competitors (and hopefully this would be covered by your good governance / conflicts / business ethics policies)

Being subjected to bullying can leave deep scars.

But, this is 20+ years later. You have both grown from those 15 year old children. There is a possibility she had her own issues going on that prompted that horrific behaviour and is ashamed of it now, or then again she might but just be a horrible person, but whatever happened then should not impact professional decisions now. Seeking some sort of quiet revenge as other posters suggest will not give you any satisfaction. You need to deal with it professionally as the mature adult you now are.

If she works in sales there is a good chance she is "assertive" and confident so you need to be prepared for that.

You should speak to your line manager about the issue so they can either have someone in the call who knows the history and can support you, ask for her to be replaced with another sales person (don't need to give anymore detail other than there is a historical conflict with this person), or as a last resort replace you in the call.

*an already difficult time, that should say 😆 I really need to proofread before I post!

Ps and nothing is stopping you from asking her to be off the account if they are the best pitch

*You own the situation like a boss from the off is what you do.

So you come on all smiles and "Oh hey Edwina is that you? It's been 20 years now. Oh you don't recall me? I recall you. Let me tell everyone. Everyone, Edwina used to bully me relentlessly at school and was the school bully. But it's good to see she's moved on and managed to grow. How exciting that you want to pitch something to me. So come Edwina. Would be great to see if I feel we could work with you if it's the right fit".

She will feel awful if it was her and still have to do a presentation and hope you like it.

Revenge is a dish most definitely best served cold...very cold.*

Yeah... And then everyone else in the room will think you're a complete fucking lunatic for bringing up something that happened 20 years ago.

How are you not cringing inside out that you actually wrote that as advice?

@ftw163532

but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I'm sorry you had a difficult time but that would be both immoral and unprofessional.

Ah bollocks! She deserves to be strung along. Play it cool op, don’t go all Julia Roberts, ‘big mistake’. Also be prepared for her to recognise you and don’t panic. You did nothing wrong. “I remember you very clearly”

Anyone who tells you to rise above it and be the bigger person had obviously never been badly bullied

I gave this advice and I have been bullied. I have actually played out some petty revenge fantasies on people who bullied me but I was surprised to find that after the initial rush, it didn’t make me feel better, only worse. It meant the bullies preoccupied my time that I could have spent doing more valuable things and it felt petty, even if it was “an eye for an eye”. I also feel uncomfortable knowing that someone else might find out how I handled the situations.

When a similar situation presented itself again, I wrote a long unsent letter that I then deleted and felt a whole lot better for it. I now feel proud that I was able to mentally distance myself from that person.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You own the situation like a boss from the off is what you do.

So you come on all smiles and "Oh hey Edwina is that you? It's been 20 years now. Oh you don't recall me? I recall you. Let me tell everyone. Everyone, Edwina used to bully me relentlessly at school and was the school bully. But it's good to see she's moved on and managed to grow. How exciting that you want to pitch something to me. So come Edwina. Would be great to see if I feel we could work with you if it's the right fit".

She will feel awful if it was her and still have to do a presentation and hope you like it.

Revenge is a dish most definitely best served cold...very cold.

Do you realise how fucking unprofessional this would be?

Honestly, a vast majority of these responses make me think people don't know anything about these sort of settings. You may be able to get away with these childish behaviours when working in a shop or a salon but it certainly isn't acceptable in a job like OPs. She won't be cheered on and told how brave and amazing she is. She will make everyone else feel really uncomfortable, she will be talked about and not in a good way and good luck ever getting another job, because this shit spreads like wildfire. No one needs someone who can't keep their personal life away from work in high level positions. It's the exact opposite of what anyone wants.

OP it’s a 2 stage process - first you must find out if it is her before the meeting, if it’s not great. If it really is you have to declare a conflict of interest and either excuse yourself which may be hard given your role, or get her substituted. Can you imagine if her firm got the contract, the losers could, if they found out about the connection, say it was down to nepotism - went to school together will quickly translate to favouritism and jobs for your old pals ( which couldn’t be more wrong in this instant). Irrespective of your personal trauma which is at the fore here, professionally it’s not a good idea for you, your company or any of the bidders

I'd go on the call if other people (especially from her company) are also present, then verify if it's her through a few innocuous questions. If it is indeed her, I'd say "oh yes, I know you. You used to do/say x (insert horrible thing she's done or said). You were a vile bully back then". And wait for her to respond / wish the ground to swallow her in embarrassment in front of you and the other attendants Afterwards just politely and professionally watch the demo.

@minipie

I think I’d go with Haffdonga’s approach

I am amazed how many on this thread seem to think it’s possible to forgive and forget intensive bullying or think “oh well she may have changed”. I couldn’t. I genuinely couldn’t work with someone who’d done that to me, however long ago it was.

Yes it's amazing how many just think a teenager close to being classed as an adult is ok to bully another student and tell them to kill themselves. That's totally normal and ok according to the adults on here. Dread to think what they were like in school and what their kids are like.

If it was my decision and my company would back me up, I would tell the other company that I will not work with them while she is on the project.

There's making mistakes as a teenager, and there's showing what a nasty person you are. I don't remember anyone in my school ever saying to someone to go kill themselves, and that includes the bullies. Kids make mistakes, but no matter what background you come from, nothing excuses that.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You own the situation like a boss from the off is what you do.

So you come on all smiles and "Oh hey Edwina is that you? It's been 20 years now. Oh you don't recall me? I recall you. Let me tell everyone. Everyone, Edwina used to bully me relentlessly at school and was the school bully. But it's good to see she's moved on and managed to grow. How exciting that you want to pitch something to me. So come Edwina. Would be great to see if I feel we could work with you if it's the right fit".

She will feel awful if it was her and still have to do a presentation and hope you like it.

Revenge is a dish most definitely best served cold...very cold.

Jesus. I'm actually dying inside reading that. The OP is CFO of an organization with a multimillion dollar budget for this software product and you honestly think she should do THIS?

This isn't a squabble between Shaz and Trace who've got a Saturday job down the fruit & veg shop.

Fuck being professional. If this were me and my bully I'd be milking every single second and loving it.

And if I did go forward with her company I'd make sure she wasn't on the team. And I'd give her a big fucking smile right in her ugly bitch face.

@FallingStar21

I'd go on the call if other people (especially from her company) are also present, then verify if it's her through a few innocuous questions. If it is indeed her, I'd say "oh yes, I know you. You used to do/say x (insert horrible thing she's done or said). You were a vile bully back then". And wait for her to respond / wish the ground to swallow her in embarrassment in front of you and the other attendants Afterwards just politely and professionally watch the demo.

Posts like this have me shaking my head in disbelief.

If it is her I wouldn’t want to work with her. I don’t think bullies change much and they certainly shouldn’t be rewarded.

@Justajot

If you're that senior, can you ask if she's who you think she is and then ask for a different sales person for your call. They won't want to lose the sale, so will probably swap her out.

Yes absolutely. I think that's the way to go.

Chocolate have you ever worked in an office in a senior professional role? That seems like a scene from one of those cringey Christmas films I watch with my teens. Everyone would think you were utterly mental if you came out with that.

@chocolateorangeinhaler

You own the situation like a boss from the off is what you do.

So you come on all smiles and "Oh hey Edwina is that you? It's been 20 years now. Oh you don't recall me? I recall you. Let me tell everyone. Everyone, Edwina used to bully me relentlessly at school and was the school bully. But it's good to see she's moved on and managed to grow. How exciting that you want to pitch something to me. So come Edwina. Would be great to see if I feel we could work with you if it's the right fit".

She will feel awful if it was her and still have to do a presentation and hope you like it.

Revenge is a dish most definitely best served cold...very cold.

😂

You’ve never worked in a professional environment, have you?

@nc87651

Honestly, I'd move past it. This must have happened what, 20+ years ago? I'd assume the bully had done some growing up by then. And god knows what her home life must have been like as a teen to be such a nasty person.

Let it go. Be an adult. Treat this meeting as any other.

This, in spades, and besides you may be wrong and even if you are right, she may move off to pastures new or you may never actually deal with her again after the sales pitch.

@Quartz2208

Yes I think recuse yourself or play it completely as if she isnt that person.

Anything else puts YOU at risk for being unprofessional

Absolutely this. Massively unprofessional to let teenage behaviour influence a procurement decision.

@Morgan12

Fuck being professional. If this were me and my bully I'd be milking every single second and loving it.

And if I did go forward with her company I'd make sure she wasn't on the team. And I'd give her a big fucking smile right in her ugly bitch face.

This is OPs job. You know, how she pays her bills and her retirement in years to come? Are you fresh out of school?

I had the chance recently to make someone feel VERY awkward (similiarish situation to the above) and I'm really pleased that I didnt. Try and see that she was a very damaged child. I know friends whose parent actively encouraged them to bully ('oh Sandy you are so witty') only realising as adults that it was nasty and not funny

You also have no idea what is going on in this woman's life - you could be kicking her when she is down