Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

[TheRealAnnabelleBronstein]

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

Being bullied is dreadful. I know it has had a lasting impact on me.

I've given a lot of thought to how I would behave if I were to bump into the main culprit now and have realised the best thing to do for my own good is to rise above it and be pleasant.

Don't let them have further hold over you by letting them impact on how professionally you do your job.

All these people posting the elaborate things they'd say, or do, or that they'd phone her boss and tell them what she's REALLY like, or string them along, or call her out in front of everyone....

Bollocks you would.

OP the best suggestion is the one given by @Justajot. Only you know whether you feel if your experiences may cloud your judgement. If you think they would, then you disclose to your boss or colleague that you think that you may know one of the sales people, and therefore in order for transparency and impartiality, you would prefer someone else led the zoom call. Ask for the call to be recorded so you can watch it back later, if you need to have input.

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Is everyone on here exactly the same person as they were at 15? I'd bloody hope not.

Thanks to the bullying I went through at 15 I still think everyone will automatically hate me on meeting me, I still have little confidence, I still find it very difficult to make friends and trust people, so yes we I am still that 15 year old girl in a way. I didn’t have the best home life either but I didn’t bully others for it. Why are people so quick to excuse and minimise bullying? There are those who are acting out hurt, there are also those who are frankly psychopaths.

Have you considered counselling? If things that happened to you as a teenager are still impacting your adult life so much I would think hard about it.

I would play it super cool. When she introduces herself, say "Edwina and I have already met, we were at school together, weren't we? Your friends were Deputy Bullies 1 & 2, yes, I remember you like it was yesterday".
No one else in the meeting will pick up on your meaning, they'll think you're just making pleasantries, but she will be inwardly squirming.
You definitely have the upper hand!

I agree that if you are sufficiently senior confirm if it is her and ask she be removed from the project.

I understand the posters saying you can't let something that happened twenty years ago interfere with your professional life. But bullying can have such a profound, lifelong impact, I know it did for me. I'm aware, through a mutual Facebook friend, that one of my school bullies is now a police officer. Luckily like you I'm no longer local, but I'd certainly have a hard time dealing with her in a professional capacity, particularly given the power dynamic! But, your situation is different in that respect. You are the client, so she's the one who's going to have to figure out how to play it. I'd probably let your manager know in advance. Then if you and your manager do decide you should be involved in the process you can remain poker faced and let her sweat (and I would definitely secretly be enjoying it!) - safe in the knowledge that you were transparent about and thus covered from any accusations of bias etc. should her company not win.

If its that good a deal, recuse yourself if you can't deal with this professionally.

@maddening

I agree that if you are sufficiently senior confirm if it is her and ask she be removed from the project.

This is the best approach - you shouldn't excuse yourself from the call if it is part of you job.

Under conflict of interest where I work I would be expected to disclose a prior relationship with someone in any case, as would they.

They are selling to you - you have a right to ask for a different sales person. If they won't do this then their service level is poor and I wouldn't use them anyway.

It would be utterly cringeworthy to bring up bullying from 20 years ago in a professional meeting and it would reflect worse on the OP if she mentioned it. I hope she doesn’t because honestly, if I was in that meeting I’d be extremely embarrassed for her.

Either you just ignore it, pretend you don’t know her and carry on as a professional, or if you don’t think you can cope with meeting her,
get someone else to deal with the meeting under an excuse and then pretend you don’t know her.

Some posters who think this is easy to overlook and just 'be professional' have no idea of the pain bullying causes.
I would let her know that I know who she is - "Edwina - you went to Grey School right?" But in no way would I want her or any business of hers associated with my work. I would ensure her product is not chosen. Or get someone else to do the pitch from her company if you want to remain unbiased.

@MarineBlue33

Some posters who think this is easy to overlook and just 'be professional' have no idea of the pain bullying causes. I would let her know that I know who she is - "Edwina - you went to Grey School right?" But in no way would I want her or any business of hers associated with my work. I would ensure her product is not chosen. Or get someone else to do the pitch from her company if you want to remain unbiased.

I’m afraid I do know, having been severely bullied throughout school. But there is no way I would bring it up in a work meeting.

I would go on the call and watch her squirm. But I'm a vengeful bitch.

I would recuse myself. It would be too difficult to remain entirely impartial. I wouldn’t say why though, just that I have a personal connection to that person that might give the impression of a conflict of interest. Good luck!

You are in a very senior role so you know this anyway, but your responsibility is to get the best product at the best price for your organisation.
If you are worried that your natural distaste for this salesperson will colour your opinion then set up the meetings all as panels and agree a set of criteria to grade each candidate product against. Then several of you have input and the best fit can be selected on the day.

You can't help how you feel but you know that you can't act on it. If you shortlist their product at the next round you can ask for a technical rather than sales person and see how they would interact with your team.

I think the two options are ignore it or recuse yourself. If you can’t do A you have to do B.

@Hairwizard

I would have to ask if she went to such and such school at whatever time frame and make sure she knew who i was without actually mentioning the shit time she gave me all in a very nice 'jees such a small world' kind of way and then carry on with call while secretly hoping shes sweating like fuck thinking shes blown it.

This. Let her know you know who she is and she can sweat her way through the meeting, but otherwise treat her company as you would any other and if they’re the best then hire them, if they’re not then don’t.

I would declare a conflict of interest and get someone else to handle it. And I would be totally open with her employer about why you want no contact with her.

At this stage it's just sitting through a demonstration of what their product can do, right? They would still have to go out to tender for that contract, right?

So - my advice is to find out if it is the same person you knew from that time ago and if it is, explain that you need a different demonstrator/sales person from that company as you cannot deal with her. If they want to proceed with the demonstration, they should rearrange the meeting for another time (to allow for another person to step in and come up to speed) or cancel the meeting if they don't have anyone suitable to step in. This is on them to sort out, not your company. You're the buyer here. You can decide who you want to trade with.

@ClawedButler

I was bullied to this extent and more for several years by multiple people. But it was decades ago, and I can now look back at that time with an adult's perspective and see that they (all girls) were clearly deeply insecure and unhappy. They can't be held responsible now for the people they were back then, it's absurd.

Just be professional, do the meeting and assess the product and service based on what you hear. She doesn't have any power over you. You do not need to exact 'revenge'. Just live your life - you've clearly done quite well for yourself, so what would you gain from making one meeting really awkward and difficult? Because I guarantee it won't make you feel better - in general, or about yourself.

I was bullied and looking back with an adult's perspective I can see that they (all girls as well) felt thoroughly proud of themselves in their bullying. The girls in my case weren't deeply insecure and unhappy at all. They were an arrogant, self-righteous, judgemental, hypocritical bunch who had been brought up to think the sun shone out of their ears and that they were way above everyone else who fell short in their opinion.

These girls all had "naice" homes and some were very well off indeed. No you don't know what goes on behind closed doors etc but there was absolutely no sign that there was any misery fuelling their actions, more a deluded sense of superiority given to them by their pandering parents (who could usually be seen at parents evening being equally obnoxious and arrogant).

Some posters who think this is easy to overlook and just 'be professional' have no idea of the pain bullying causes.

But being professional is the least painful option for OP in the present. In a job at the level of the OP's, allowances aren't really made for personal issues meaning you can't fulfil the needs of your job.

And I do have an idea of the pain bullying causes. I know that it would likely cause me more pain to let this bully affect my work than to just see doing the meeting as a job that has to be done.

I would just do the interview and if they are the best option, then go for them.

I understand why you must be feeling this way but tbh people change, no excusing her behaviour of course but it's not something you can bring up with her company or yours without looking silly.

She was not nice to you in school but is now pitching herself to you so take that as a little win and treat her how you would anyone else you were having a meeting with.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, go ahead do the Zoom call, smile be professional but crush her anyway you can!
Make sure you do it carefully without redress back to you.
If you choose her company have her removed from the account.
Revenge is a dish best served cold - but I am an evil bitch!

Look her up on LinkedIn, you'll be able to see very quickly if it's the same person.

And I would agree with speaking to someone senior at her company, saying there is a personal conflict, and asking for a different sales person.

It's not an ideal solution, obviously, but if it is affecting you this much, then you need to protect yourself too. Ignore twats saying you should be able to move past it - they have no idea what you went through or how much it did and does affect you.

I'd be very tempted to get her to jump through lots of time-consuming hoops and string her along then go with someone else just when she's sure she nailed it.

Or if they really are the best, say that you can award the contract but not with her on the team.And consider telling your line manager that you have had dealings with her in the past which lead you not to trust her which is why you strongly advise going elsewhere or using her company without her on board.

There's no reason you should have to work with an ex-bully.

@SinisterBumFacedCat

Is everyone on here exactly the same person as they were at 15? I'd bloody hope not.

Thanks to the bullying I went through at 15 I still think everyone will automatically hate me on meeting me, I still have little confidence, I still find it very difficult to make friends and trust people, so yes we I am still that 15 year old girl in a way. I didn’t have the best home life either but I didn’t bully others for it. Why are people so quick to excuse and minimise bullying? There are those who are acting out hurt, there are also those who are frankly psychopaths.

I'm sorry for you experiences. But no one is saying she needs to be friends or even really forgive her. But being professional is what adults do. It's not minimising, it's being the bigger person.