Shit. I think I have a zoom meeting with my childhood bully.

[TheRealAnnabelleBronstein]

I’m not in the UK so hope this won’t be outing. Have changed details for privacy.

Imagine my name is Eleanor Smyth but I changed my name when I married and am now Eleanor Johnson. Imagine also that I’m the Head of Finance for a huge organization.

A company who sells financial services software has been contacting me for quite a while now asking for me to meet with them for a product demonstration. We’re now in a position where we’re going to stop using our existing product so doing demos with several organizations. The successful company will also be given a piece of work to prepare our related systems for integration and testing and training so there’s a project element as well as a product. The budget for the project is roughly $15m and then the product will be roughly $2m/year so it’s a big piece of work.

The Relationship Manager let me know that the call would be led by one of their sales people who he referred to as (name changed), Edwina Craig. All good and a zoom meeting was arranged.

I’ve just looked at the Zoom invite and can see that Edwina Craig is actually on there as Edwina Craig-Dyson.

Edwina Dyson was the school bully. Thoroughly unpleasant person who made my time at second level very difficult. She was so insidious. She wouldn’t physically bully but it was constant picking and awful comments. When I was in school, a classmate killed herself. I remember one day Edwina and some of her gang surrounded me after school and she basically told me that nobody liked me and everyone was upset that the other girl died and not me. Awful stuff to try and get your head around at 15. It was constant and draining snd, in hindsight, I’m just glad it all happened before social media and mobile phones so at least I could go home and get a break from it.

I finished school, moved to a city 400 miles away and haven’t thought of her since.

I googled Edwina Craig to see her LinkedIn profile picture and found one, but I can’t make out if it’s her or not- I haven’t seen her in over 20 years. I think it is. The location also makes sense.

So, if you were me and it is her, how would you play it? Ultimately, if they have the best product for the best price, we’ll go with them, but I don’t want it to be a walk in the park for her if she really is who I think she is.

I don’t think she’ll know I’m me, if you get me. My name isn’t uncommon and I’m based on a different city than where we grew up so I don’t think she’d make the link.

This is horrible and I understand how you feel, but happy children don't bully. She might have had absolutely horrible things going on that you know nothing about. That's no excuse for the way she treated you, but just remember how young she was.

Well I think we all did things when younger we aren’t proud of, and she herself may not remember what a vile cow she was.

But I do think you should fake enthusiasm and say ‘oh wow! I know you and your name - did you go to x school?’ And if she confirms, say ‘oh yes. I definitely remember you’. Hopefully she will become flustered. Maybe you’ll even get a better deal.

If it's been over 20 years... do you not think she might have changed? Perhaps she's mortified and embarrassed by her behaviour when you were younger?

Either way, take the higher road and be professional. The best revenge is how successful you are now. You don't need to do anything else.

I'd call someone higher up in her company & explain the situation. Tell them you're the one making the decision & you wouldn't want their bid to be unfairly influenced by her past behaviour & that could happen whether you deal with her or if someone else were to do it because you wouldn't have given each competitor the same opportunity to impress you personally.

It might be a bit passive aggressive to highlight her previous bullying to her company but it'd be my compromise - what I'd really want to do is string her along with no intention of giving it to her!

I can not believe some of these responses. You can't not go with a company because one employee was a bully 20+ years ago. And making her squirm/waste time and energy wouldn't paint you as much better and you're a grown adult.

I think I’d go with Haffdonga’s approach

I am amazed how many on this thread seem to think it’s possible to forgive and forget intensive bullying or think “oh well she may have changed”. I couldn’t. I genuinely couldn’t work with someone who’d done that to me, however long ago it was.

@PitchImperfect

I'd call someone higher up in her company & explain the situation. Tell them you're the one making the decision & you wouldn't want their bid to be unfairly influenced by her past behaviour & that could happen whether you deal with her or if someone else were to do it because you wouldn't have given each competitor the same opportunity to impress you personally.

It might be a bit passive aggressive to highlight her previous bullying to her company but it'd be my compromise - what I'd really want to do is string her along with no intention of giving it to her!

You're honestly suggesting calling her boss and telling them she was horrid when she was 15 so your business isn't working with their business??

I'd love to be in your position... "Oh wow! I know who you are! We went to school together, remember? Have you managed to become a better person or are you still a vile bully who picks on vulnerable people?"

(don't care if I get sacked - totally worth it)

Yeah, I’d watch with steely eyed silence and then reject them. She had a choice not to be a bully years ago and chose to bully. Karma.

From the mother of a girl who was bullied dreadfully at senior school.....
A while later, she got a job in a beauty salon. On her first day, she discovered that one of the vile bullies was working there.........then overheard her slagging her off to another girl. My daughter refused to go back. I told her to have it out with the other girl, after all she was older now and not at school anymore. But my daughter said it was like being back at school and she just couldn't be there. That's the effect it has,and OP, I fully understand how you feel.

I was bullied to this extent and more for several years by multiple people. But it was decades ago, and I can now look back at that time with an adult's perspective and see that they (all girls) were clearly deeply insecure and unhappy. They can't be held responsible now for the people they were back then, it's absurd.

Just be professional, do the meeting and assess the product and service based on what you hear. She doesn't have any power over you. You do not need to exact 'revenge'. Just live your life - you've clearly done quite well for yourself, so what would you gain from making one meeting really awkward and difficult? Because I guarantee it won't make you feel better - in general, or about yourself.

Some of these comments are beyond ridiculous. As if you're going to give her a "stern look" and tell her you remember her from school? Or announce to your team that she used to pick on you??
I think some of these PP's are forgetting that as children, we have very different ways of expressing anger, pain, abuse, hurt, upset. And unfortunately sometimes the result is that children bully.
But they were a child. Is everyone on here exactly the same person as they were at 15? I'd bloody hope not.

@AmandaHoldensLips

I'd love to be in your position... "Oh wow! I know who you are! We went to school together, remember? Have you managed to become a better person or are you still a vile bully who picks on vulnerable people?"

(don't care if I get sacked - totally worth it)

It wouldn't be worth it though, would it? Everything would just think you were a bitter muppet, you'd have no job, and your company would be more willing to work with her company than they would've been if you'd had a professional input.

Revenge is a dish best served cold... take her for a ride and enjoy every minute of it.

Also, did you never do anything unpleasant at that age? Did you never write bloody awful poetry? Or anything else that you cringe to think of now? You don't (or shouldn't) punish yourself for stupid things you did as a teen, nor should you appoint yourself life-long judge and jury for stupid things your teen peers did.

Rise above it and act like the professional you are being paid to be. Anything else would really damage your career.

You don't recuse yourself if you are HofF and involved in system selection. There is no need to tell your manager you happened to know this person 20 years ago. You simply apply a cool, professional approach.

Nor do you refer to the fact you think you might know her, during initial sales presentation/ meeting. If you have occasion to speak to her at a later date, I might drop it in to conversation if just you and she are in the phone, "by any chance did you go to XYX school? Oh yes I thought it might be you." And then say nothing else. If she takes the bait and says oh what was your maiden name, and then acts all delighted to discover you were peers at school, then I would just say very coolly, "I only asked out of curiosity, I think it would be counter-productive to reminisce on our school-days, don't you? Let's turn to our meeting agenda instead."

I would also absolutely nail her on whether the system meets your requirements. IT finance system sales people stretch the truth to breaking point in my experience. Make sure she commits everything to writing in a Statement of Work and leave no stone unturned looking for the weaknesses in what her company is offering. All too easy to be suckered by the sales person..

@BarbaraLoganPrice

Some of these comments are beyond ridiculous. As if you're going to give her a "stern look" and tell her you remember her from school? Or announce to your team that she used to pick on you?? I think some of these PP's are forgetting that as children, we have very different ways of expressing anger, pain, abuse, hurt, upset. And unfortunately sometimes the result is that children bully. But they were a child. Is everyone on here exactly the same person as they were at 15? I'd bloody hope not.

Judging by the "professionalism", yup, they are.

Op you should recuse yourself if you have personal connection. Frankly, even if you will not confirm whether it is the same person, it would be on your mind when making a decision.
Don't say why, just say "I believe there is a personal connection and I don't want our firm to ever have accusations of favouritism or the opposite, because of that".

I feel like aome people here want you to lose your job based on their advice👀

This depends on your company and your relationship with your manager.

I'd not hesitate to tell my manager if I were in the same boat.

I'd ask to tape the meeting (so no accusations of bias, also could refer back if needs at a later date for any details regarding their product) and then proceed to ask questions and whatever else I needed to ensure they were the best for my business needs.

I would go in expecting their tender to fail. I don't care how petty or whatever anyone thinks that is. But I'd cover my back

I think some of the posters replying perhaps haven't been severely bullied before. The priority here is to protect yourself. I was in a very similar position recently and confided in a colleague, who discreetly ensured I never had to set eyes on her. I didn't think it was necessary at the time, but after, when I heard how difficult and unpleasant she had been with my colleagues, I was incredibly relieved that I didn't have to face her again. Scars from bullying run deep, I think you should be led by whether you want to be face to face with her (even on Zoom!). It really isn't nice having those traumatic memories dredged up and anyone who dismisses it just because it was 20 years ago has clearly never experienced anything as bad as you did.

I would be worried about working with her. I get children make mistakes...but I think when someone is that premediated with their horribleness....I don't think people change their moral compasses that much throughout their lives.

I would acknowledge that you know her, not be friendly or smiley about it, ensure the hierarchy with yourself at the top is maintained, act throughout the entire presentation as if I had moved past it, and then later make a judgement about whether it's the best product. If you go with it, you could ask for her to be removed from any chain of contact with your firm if you really want to push it but I'm not sure I'd bother.
The fact that you are more senior in your profession is all the revenge you need.

But I'd want her to know it in a very small way, a frosty smile perhaps, some slightly intimidating body language, that you haven't forgotten how awful she was.

Is everyone on here exactly the same person as they were at 15? I'd bloody hope not.

Thanks to the bullying I went through at 15 I still think everyone will automatically hate me on meeting me, I still have little confidence, I still find it very difficult to make friends and trust people, so yes we I am still that 15 year old girl in a way. I didn’t have the best home life either but I didn’t bully others for it. Why are people so quick to excuse and minimise bullying? There are those who are acting out hurt, there are also those who are frankly psychopaths.

You don't know what she's like now so I'd just pretend you don't know her at all and treat her the same as anyone else you don't know. You're in the powerful position now, but don't abuse it, you don't need to lower yourself to behave the way she did as a child. It's all a long time ago and the best thing you can be is confident and professional. Be proud of the grown up you've become and keep looking forward rather than back.

@SilentPanic

This is horrible and I understand how you feel, but happy children don't bully. She might have had absolutely horrible things going on that you know nothing about. That's no excuse for the way she treated you, but just remember how young she was.

Plenty of children have terrible home lives and managed not to ambush someone to tell them they deserve to die. Some people are just sadists on a power trip.