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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to work when we're all sick

360 replies

yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:01

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V Confused

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

OP posts:
CampagVelocet · 12/10/2021 08:03

He shouldn't have gone in because he's probably carrying whatever it is you've all got and will now be merrily passing it round his colleagues.

Blahblahbloo123 · 12/10/2021 08:04

I’d be telling him not to come home!!!!?

zafferana · 12/10/2021 08:05

He should have stayed at home for two reasons 1) to be a decent dad/husband and 2) because if 3/4 have got this thing already he's quite possibly got it too and will pass it round his colleagues.

lughnasadh · 12/10/2021 08:05

Depending on the ethos at his work, going in might have been the best choice.

I'd have gone to work in the same situation. Our policy for time off is awful, and annual leave needs plenty of notice.

Lockheart · 12/10/2021 08:05

The above poster makes a good point, but tbh if an adult in the family is well and there is another adult staying home then I'd usually expect the well one to go to work, especially as he was off work the day before.

CrushedPistachios · 12/10/2021 08:06

In reality, what are his work conditions like? Does he get paid sick? Has he worked for the same company for more than 2 years? Does he have a HR/union?

daisypond · 12/10/2021 08:06

Sorry, I think YABU. He can’t just contact his work and ask for a day’s leave like that. And you were at home with the DC, even though you’re sick. You can muddle along for a day.

TLIMSISNW · 12/10/2021 08:08

YABU

SickAndTiredAgain · 12/10/2021 08:09

It’s not totally clear from your post whether you are too ill to look after the children?
If you are too ill, then he should have stayed, if not than YABU.

EerieSilence · 12/10/2021 08:09

If you are in a position where you're still capable of taking care of children, YABU.
Maybe it's better if he goes because staying around three sick people could mean he has a bigger chance at getting sick too.

daisypond · 12/10/2021 08:09

As the DH isn’t sick, he won’t be paid any sick leave.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/10/2021 08:11

Truthfully I think YABU (except that he will probably make his whole office sick as dogs).

But no, I don't think he needs to stay home and look after you all. Someone needs to be going to work, and he has already missed a day, and he is not sick. In many workplaces attendance is not optional, and a lot of harm can be done by too much absence.

ufucoffee · 12/10/2021 08:11

He should've gone to work. No point in him being off if you're at home even if you are ill. I'm possibly unsympathetic because I was a single parent and had to look after my sick children when I was also sick and didn't have an option of having someone there to help. Sorry.

Aqua55 · 12/10/2021 08:12

@yellowgecko

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V Confused

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

It's ok for you to go to work when the kids are sick but not him?
Original poster
yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:13

@CampagVelocet that is a really good point!

I don't think he told them yesterday why he was off. He's been with the company 10 years and they treat him well, they would probably pay him a couple of days. We are lucky in that we would survive the week if he took it unpaid.

I'm just really hurt that he's chosen to work rather than care for us. If the roles were reversed absolutely I'd stay at home

OP posts:
LawnFever · 12/10/2021 08:15

You went to work when the kids were sick but you weren’t and now he’s doing the same.

Yabu, he’s not sick so he can’t take a sick day, I know you’re feeling ill but I don’t think he’s done anything wrong.

CrushedPistachios · 12/10/2021 08:15

Going to work is caring for you.

Redarrow2017 · 12/10/2021 08:16

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

U2HasTheEdge · 12/10/2021 08:16

YABU

He has to work and you are at home. I don't know what job your husband has but it isn't always easy to take time off work, and unless you are so ill you can't look after the children it is not unreasonable for him to go to work.

My husband stayed at home with the children and I worked. He never asked me to not go into work when they were all ill.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/10/2021 08:17

Of course he can call in and ask for a days leave 'just like that's, women have to do it all the time when their kid is sick or childminder is ill or whatever. You sound too ill to be looking after the kids, he should have done it in the night when you were ill. I've had senior managers at work taking emergency leave because their kids were sick and their wife also had it and couldnt look after them.

Just one thing, you've said your son couldnt go to school as he was sick at breakfast, he couldn't have gone to school anyway surely as he was sick the evening before and you need to wait 48 hours since he was last sick to send him in

Original poster
yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:18

@ufucoffee

He should've gone to work. No point in him being off if you're at home even if you are ill. I'm possibly unsympathetic because I was a single parent and had to look after my sick children when I was also sick and didn't have an option of having someone there to help. Sorry.
I really feel for you. I know I am lucky to have DH but it is just us, we have no family nearby to help. It doesn't feel like we're a team right now.
OP posts:
PigeonLittle · 12/10/2021 08:18

Yanbu. I'd be tempted to be sick in his next cup of tea. Brew

JuneOsborne · 12/10/2021 08:18

Ah, that sounds tough.

It's done now, so make the best of it. Perhaps the thing to do is to (when everyone's better) is discuss how you two are going to tackle these kinds of situations moving forward.

Did you want him at home because you're too poorly to have the kids? If so, it really does suck.

Hope you're all better soon.

Bagelsandbrie · 12/10/2021 08:19

I can see the point about him staying home so he doesn’t spread it about but in all seriousness most families would just crack on with him going to work. If my dh doesn’t go in he doesn’t get paid and we couldn’t manage financially so he would definitely go in and I’d muddle through- but then I’m used to that, I have chronic disabilities and our Ds aged 9 has autism and complex needs and there have been many times for different reasons I’ve been on my knees with things and just had to get through it. Tv and duvet day!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/10/2021 08:19

In fairness, he is not "choosing work over his sick family" for laughs.

I am assuming your family is financially reliant on his salary? So he is going in to work (after a night spent going in and out to sick children) because he needs to maintain that salary. While you, the other capable adult in the family, take care of the children.

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