Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to work when we're all sick

360 replies

yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:01

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V Confused

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

OP posts:
EdgeOfTheSky · 12/10/2021 08:49

I think his reluctance to cover the baby’s sick day is worse.

In a two-working household the child-sick days need to be covered equally by both parents. Unless one is stationed on a submarine or something.

PjsOn · 12/10/2021 08:49

We had the same bug last week, my husband had it for 2 days but once he'd stopped throwing up etc he returned to work leaving me with it looking after a 6 month old, 3 and 5 year old. I questioned how he expected me to look after everyone when I have it too and he said well I can't stay off work when I'm better and you are at home (I'm on mat leave), I've taken 2 days off as it is!! I was annoyed at the time but he did have a point. He suggested I get my parents round to help, he knew I wouldn't as I didn't want them getting it too (I don't think they'd have been keen either). It was a tough few days!!

Pippyweather · 12/10/2021 08:50

It depends where he works. My DH will go in even if he's bleeding out his eyes, as he can't just take random days off, its just not possible.

Yeah you'll have a tiring shit day, but it wont kill you and i suspect you will have many many more in the next few years. Just a fact of life with children, as crap as that is.

I once worked as an office manager in a large scientific firm. I had been up with a toddler and a baby, up down, up down all night long, for a few nights running but was in work and feeling like absolute death. (Not a martyr, just no one else to do my job and i didn't fancy coming in to it all stacked up waiting for me after time off). My phone rang and it was a woman from the office, unmarried, no kids. She put on that awful "Ill Voice", all crackly and quiet and said she had had a bout of insomnia and not slept well, so she was going to "get her head down for a few hours". I was all cooing and soothing back to her. Wanted to absolutely stab her in reality.

Yogawankonobi · 12/10/2021 08:50

I don’t like the thought of him spreading a bug but I think it’s madness to be cross that he’s gone to work.
Looking after children while ill yourself isn’t fun but it’s life.

SylvanasWindrunner · 12/10/2021 08:50

And I don't think the comments that 'if we took time off every time our children were sick, we'd never be in' really get the point. It's not the children being sick that are the problem - it's that the person looking after them is. Now I can't speak for anyone else, but I am not unwell very often and to be so unwell I needed help to look after DC would be a rare occurrence. And yes, I would expect DH to help in that instance if he could do so pretty easily. You don't get medals for struggling on your own, and just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should have to.

Ponoka7 · 12/10/2021 08:52

I think that you should state what you want. You told him to go to work. Moving forward you need to have a discussion about expectations and that he might need to be the one to take time off. Everything is magnified at the moment because it's hell when you and the children have D&V.

WhoWearsShortShorts · 12/10/2021 08:53

@Hermanfromguesswho

I guarantee if the shoe was on the other foot and it was him being sick and all the children being sick but OP was well, he would expect her to stay home to look after the children. Always the way
Don't judge everyone by your own low standards. He looked after the sick child yesterday.
AlexaShutUp · 12/10/2021 08:53

It doesn't sound like you're so ill that you can't manage on your own? I mean, you're managing to post on MN alongside caring for the kids?

It's shit being ill when they're ill, but sometimes you just have to suck it up. Kids are sick a lot and there will be times when you both need to take leave at short notice to care for them. He has already done that once this week. There is no point in losing further "credit" with an employer by taking unplanned time off when there is already another parent at home who can look after the children.

If you are genuinely so unwell that you can't muddle through with the kids, then of course I would expect him to care for them. However, that doesn't really sound like it's the case.

girlmom21 · 12/10/2021 08:54

You told him you'd stay off today if he had yesterday off then never said anything to suggest otherwise.

When he asked if you wanted him to stay home you threw a strop and told him to go.

If you wanted him to stay home you could have just said so.

flowerbombVR · 12/10/2021 08:55

Yabprecious

MrzClaus · 12/10/2021 08:55

*@MrzClaus
"It doesn't feel like we're a team right now"

I'm sure it didn't when you hopped off to work yesterday and left him to deal with it. Now he's done the same (and you said you'd take the rest of the time off if needed) you're kicking up a fuss?*

Did you see my previous posts? It was agreed he would take 1 day off, I'd have the other 4...how is that being unfair to DH???!"

@yellowgecko

Yes I did see your previous posts - you're being unfair as you've already agreed to take the other 4, then being passive aggressive with him this morning about going to work! "He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left" you literally told him you'd be taking the time off and he could go to work, then when he does just this you turn into a martyr "just go cos you don't really want to be here" like come on, he's just doing what was agreed!

Bagamoyo1 · 12/10/2021 08:57

YABU.
He needs to go to work. He’ll probably come down with the bug next, so best he works while he still can.
Being ill at home with 2 ill kids is no fun, but it’s manageable. Millions of single parents do it every day.

AFS1 · 12/10/2021 08:58

@EdgeOfTheSky

I think his reluctance to cover the baby’s sick day is worse.

In a two-working household the child-sick days need to be covered equally by both parents. Unless one is stationed on a submarine or something.

It doesn’t always work like that. If my children are ill, my partner has to take the time off to be with them. I work in a job where taking sick days yourself is hard enough. There is zero chance of being able to be off work when a child is ill.
Oblomov21 · 12/10/2021 08:58

"he's chosen to work rather than care for us."

I don't see it that way. Of course he should have gone to work.

GetDrunkWithMe · 12/10/2021 08:59

YABU. Your home you'll just have to do your best to look after them. He obviously needs to work.

Crazycrazylady · 12/10/2021 08:59

I think, given he was off on MOnday, he probably felt under pressure to go in,
I know in our family my dh would have gone in and i'd have muddled through.

GetDrunkWithMe · 12/10/2021 09:00

Also if your on mumsnet your clearly not that bad, so again YABU.

christinarossetti19 · 12/10/2021 09:01

OP agreed to be at home with a sick baby for the rest of the week, but she hadn't factored in a. ds also being sick and not being able to go to school and b. being ill herself.

That does put a bit of a different slant on things.

Also, that dh has worked in his place for 10 years and they treat him well.

OP, in your shoes I would let dh know that he needs to sort things at work so that he can come home early if need be.

You can probably muddle through for a few hours with two sick children and being sick yourself, but only if you know that it's not for long and help is on the way.

It's an utterly shit ('scuse the pun) part of parenting - having to look after sick children when you're ill and exhausted yourself.

Jasmine11 · 12/10/2021 09:02

I don't think you can take a day off sick if you are not actually sick though. You'd have to ask for carer's leave and I'm not sure this would qualify for that. I wouldn't take a day off if my husband and kids were sick if he was in an ok state to look after them, and I wouldn't expect him to either. How do you think single parents manage OP?

RedskyThisNight · 12/10/2021 09:02

[quote yellowgecko]@Aqua55 it was my 2nd week back following mat leave.

DH has worked basically uninterrupted for 9 months. And I agreed that if the baby was still sick I would take her the other 4 days this week.

Re the other posters talking about good impressions at work, that works both ways.

[/quote]
So you agreed that you would take the baby for the other 4 days this week.
And now you're complaining that you have to look after the baby? If you were entirely incapable it would be different, but sound like you can muddle through.

christinarossetti19 · 12/10/2021 09:04

But OP isn't a single parent.

Yes, these types of situations are more horrendous for single parents, but OP has a partner.

If dh was a single parent, he wouldn't be going into work and leaving two sick children at home, would he?

Crystalglass · 12/10/2021 09:04

Unless you are too unwell to care for the baby then he did the right thing.

He might get it next and be off anyway.

You are obviously facing a rubbish day - d&v bugs are the worst. But there is no point in a well adult missing work. You will have many times like this with young kids.

Practicebeingpatient · 12/10/2021 09:04

You are wrong on two counts - the first is that you told him to go. If you were genuinely unable to cope you wouldn't have done that.

The second is that he left to work. Not to party with his mates but to WORK. In a lot of industries and professions it's essential you are seen to be present and committed to the job. It might be wrong and be 'presenteeism' but it's a fact. It's the people that are seen to be present and committed that progress. If my DH had taken time off sick when me and one or the other of the D.C. were sick he wouldn't just have been passed over for promotion he would probably have been let go.

ZenNudist · 12/10/2021 09:04

YABU sorry. Sick adult should care for sick dc. Well adult goes into work. I'm also really unimpressed that you think his work should pay for his day off. That's what parental leave is for

I do think he should share the Sick days with you when you are both well. Consider these 4 days banked. He needs to step up and look after Sick dc when you are well enough to work in the future.

He will probably go down without and you shotale tome off work to lookafterhim.

Crystalglass · 12/10/2021 09:05

Try and have a shower and that get on the couch - remove anything within toddlers reach and surround them with toys. Get the TV on and try and chill as much as you all can.

Swipe left for the next trending thread