DH went to work when we're all sick

[yellowgecko]

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work

You need to share the good and bad of parenting. That includes him looking after sick children and / or partner. He should've told work what was going on and either taken leave for care of dependents (if available), unpaid leave, annual leave or said he would work from home while keeping an eye on you. In danger of precedent being set that you are the one who does all the caring when children are sick and this impacts on your job / career.

That should say he will probably go down with it and you should not take time off work to look after him.

This is a situation which could have been avoided if WFH was really fully normalised.

Not sure whether it's feasible in OP's husband's role, of course, but in many jobs WFH is the easy and obvious solution to this problem. OP could he have done this?

I don't think OP's husband is unreasonable for wanting to ensure he can continue to provide for his sick family. I don't think OP is unreasonable for feeling annoyed, it sounds awful. I think a capitalist social ethos that demands work take precedence, and a presenteeist workplace with no flexibility, are unreasonable.

Aw OP, I feel for you. I remember those days, when it felt like the most unfair thing in the world, to have to deal with sick kids when you feel ill yourself.

If you're anything like me, reason and stiff-upper-lip-ness flies out of the window when you're ill, or tired, so it's no wonder you feel disgruntled.

But the day will pass- shittily (in all ways!). Do nothing but the bare minimum, rest as much as you can, and remember that no kid ever died from a day of constant TV/lack of 'active interaction/junk food.

(Incidentally- I can remember telling my XH that he'd have to stay home one morning as I hadn't slept in a week and didn't feel safe to look after the baby. He proceeded to SHOUT at me, because I hadn't 'asked nicely'. Only- he was going for a game of fucking golf. I can LOL about it now, but at the time I wanted to stick his golf sticks up his backside.Hard.)

@Practicebeingpatient

You are wrong on two counts - the first is that you told him to go. If you were genuinely unable to cope you wouldn't have done that.

The second is that he left to work. Not to party with his mates but to WORK. In a lot of industries and professions it's essential you are seen to be present and committed to the job. It might be wrong and be 'presenteeism' but it's a fact. It's the people that are seen to be present and committed that progress. If my DH had taken time off sick when me and one or the other of the D.C. were sick he wouldn't just have been passed over for promotion he would probably have been let go.

What about OP's workplace and how she's seen?

She's only just gone back from maternity leave.

Or does her job/career not matter as much as her dh's?

but she hadn't factored in a. ds also being sick and not being able to go to school and b. being ill herself.

Having the other child at home actually makes it easier. No school run to do. No need to get dressed. Everyone stays in pjs watching tv and dashing to the loo when necessary.

OP, I think you're getting some harsh replies that are weirdly comparing today to him being off yesterday

Yesterday your DS was at school and it was only your 9 month baby unwell

Overnight your DS and you have come down with it. So today you have DS being sick, baby still unwell and yourself running to the loo to either vomit or shit yourself

In this scenario I think YANBU to expect your DH to take a day off.

I say this off the back of norovirus last week and almost the exact same situation. DS 20 months came down with it Monday afternoon. I started being sick at 2am Tuesday night. We only have one child but I was sick every 45 mins and had barely slept. No conversation, no ask, DH tucked me back into bed Tuesday morning, rang the nursery to book DS off and told his work he needed Parental leave.

You say your DH could have taken the day so I would have expected him to and speaking like to you no doubt didn't help matters!

If you genuinely felt it was dangerous/you couldn't cope alone then you should have insisted.
But if you can I'm sorry but he was right to go in, sick adult cares for the children, well adult works. I know it's miserable but by going to work he is taking care of you.
I hope you feel better soon.

@Practicebeingpatient

but she hadn't factored in a. ds also being sick and not being able to go to school and b. being ill herself.

Having the other child at home actually makes it easier. No school run to do. No need to get dressed. Everyone stays in pjs watching tv and dashing to the loo when necessary.

I can't agree that looking after two sick children rather than one, being sick yourself makes anything 'easier' tbh.

He should go to work as you're the adult (even though not well) who can cope. There's not many workplaces I know who'd be happy with one adult taking time off to look after a sick family unless there was someone else around to do it and they'd have to use annual leave to do it if their sickness policy didn't cover it.

I'm sorry OP but YABU. He has not 'chosen work over his sick family' and that is a bit melodramatic. Both DH and I would have done the same thing.

There are two things that stand out for me.

Firstly, in order for him to take Monday off, you had to offer to take a further 4 off of necessary. So his time is worth 4 times as much as yours...

Secondly, when you asked him about staying, he got cross. If he'd said "I'm so sorry darling, I feel really awful leaving when you feel like this but I can't take today off" then fair enough. But to get cross at you isn't ok.

@GetDrunkWithMe

Also if your on mumsnet your clearly not that bad, so again YABU.

Was waiting for that one...the baby has been asleep, DS is watching telly so I'm wallowing on the sofa in my self-misery talking to you wonderful people. Do you want to check my posting times against my bowel movements?

If you both take leave in these situations you will quickly run out of leave and piss off your employer!

My kids are vomiting, as am I. DH hasn't had any contact with us (he was away sun/mon and I texted him to sleep in the spare room when he got in late last night, I've sent him off to work again, I don't want him wasting annual leave!

We are just weathering the storm. Toddler was sick yesterday and isnt today so it's quite hard occupying them when I'm I'll myself but the TV is a godsend.

What about OP's workplace and how she's seen?

She's only just gone back from maternity leave.

Or does her job/career not matter as much as her dh's?

She's off sick.

@Practicebeingpatient

but she hadn't factored in a. ds also being sick and not being able to go to school and b. being ill herself.

Having the other child at home actually makes it easier. No school run to do. No need to get dressed. Everyone stays in pjs watching tv and dashing to the loo when necessary.

IME 9 month old I'll babies don't accept just sitting and watching tv. The 5 year old maybe but the baby will require a lot of attention.

2 sick children plus yourself is not easier at all in my view

@Swimmingwiththefishes

OP, I think you're getting some harsh replies that are weirdly comparing today to him being off yesterday

Yesterday your DS was at school and it was only your 9 month baby unwell

Overnight your DS and you have come down with it. So today you have DS being sick, baby still unwell and yourself running to the loo to either vomit or shit yourself

In this scenario I think YANBU to expect your DH to take a day off.

I say this off the back of norovirus last week and almost the exact same situation. DS 20 months came down with it Monday afternoon. I started being sick at 2am Tuesday night. We only have one child but I was sick every 45 mins and had barely slept. No conversation, no ask, DH tucked me back into bed Tuesday morning, rang the nursery to book DS off and told his work he needed Parental leave.

You say your DH could have taken the day so I would have expected him to and speaking like to you no doubt didn't help matters!

Thank you

For us if one of us is too unwell to parent then the other one does it.

Twice we've both had Noro at the same time (DC always have it first then are back to full strength before we get knocked down) and it was brutal and we had to take it in turns whoever felt less like death.

So knowing how we've felt at those times we'd always support the other.

But - were very lucky in that both work for ourselves and can be very flexible with work hours. So we'd need to catch up but we take the hit work wise to make home life more pleasant/easier when needed.

I don't know how single parents do it and never take for granted what an easy situation I have home life wise. I'll keep this and my cramped home over a big Mumsnet house any day.

@SoupDragon

What about OP's workplace and how she's seen?

She's only just gone back from maternity leave.

Or does her job/career not matter as much as her dh's?

She's off sick.

In order for dh to 'reluctantly' agree to take yesterday off with sick baby, she had to agree to take the rest of the week off if necessary.

Like he was doing her a massive favour.

I don’t understand, why would he stay home?
Get the three of you snuggled in bed with supplies and movies and when he gets home I’d expect him to do the cleaning and cooking as you’re not well but no point in staying home just to pander to you.

Sorry, but I agree with others that YABU.
I've been there myself (me and twin babies with D&V) but as an adult, I simply wouldn't expect DH to take a day off work.

@Practicebeingpatient

You are wrong on two counts - the first is that you told him to go. If you were genuinely unable to cope you wouldn't have done that.

The second is that he left to work. Not to party with his mates but to WORK. In a lot of industries and professions it's essential you are seen to be present and committed to the job. It might be wrong and be 'presenteeism' but it's a fact. It's the people that are seen to be present and committed that progress. If my DH had taken time off sick when me and one or the other of the D.C. were sick he wouldn't just have been passed over for promotion he would probably have been let go.

So her work doesn’t matter as much as his?

She already agreed that 1 day off for him = 4 days off for her.

But somehow the fact he is at work is still more important than the fact she is. Despite the fact she is coming back from ML so really would want to show her face and that she is keen and willing to work again.

And then you wonder why there is still no equality between men and women or that women are left out of promotions etc… instead of men.

To clarify some pp's, I can work from home, DH cannot.

@CrushedPistachios

Going to work is caring for you.

LOL he can only work because he has OP to look after the kids, maybe he should have tried helping her out a bit today, while she feels like shit.

You'd all be dead against him going in if OP had covid but he's ok to spread a d&v bug?

@SoupDragon but she hadn’t been sick, she STILL would have had to take 4 days off to look after the dcs.

As it happens, being sick herself has given her a ‘get out of jail’ card for work (well sort if and shitty one at that).
If she hadn’t been ill, then what?