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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to work when we're all sick

360 replies

yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:01

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V Confused

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

OP posts:
KingdomScrolls · 12/10/2021 08:19

DH and DS have got rotten colds, sinus pain and sore throats (not Covid) I went to work yesterday, I'm going again today. DH is ill but not incapable of caring for a child. YABU

Original poster
yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:21

@Aqua55 it was my 2nd week back following mat leave.

DH has worked basically uninterrupted for 9 months. And I agreed that if the baby was still sick I would take her the other 4 days this week.

Re the other posters talking about good impressions at work, that works both ways.

OP posts:
MrzClaus · 12/10/2021 08:23

"It doesn't feel like we're a team right now"

I'm sure it didn't when you hopped off to work yesterday and left him to deal with it. Now he's done the same (and you said you'd take the rest of the time off if needed) you're kicking up a fuss?

Ricekake · 12/10/2021 08:23

I'm just really hurt that he's chosen to work rather than care for us.

Even if his work is very understanding and supportive, it's not a case of waking up and choosing whether you fancy going to work or not, I think you're taking it too personally. He is probably mindful that he had yesterday off and is likely to need a few days off as he will inevitably get the bug too; especially as you put DS in bed with him after he had vomited Confused. As long as when he is home he helps out.

devildeepbluesea · 12/10/2021 08:23

The only reason I'd expect him to stay home is to avoid giving the bug to his colleagues.

But even having just written that I can just imagine what his boss would say if he called in to say he was staying off "just in case".

YABU

Original poster
yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:24

@Redarrow2017

But yesterday you went to work as you weee not I’ll and he stayed at home so how is he unreasonable for going to work when he is well and you are at home anyway?
Because I'm running to the loo with the shits while trying to be a responsible parent with a crawling baby!!!
OP posts:
LubaLuca · 12/10/2021 08:25

I think you're being unfair on him. He has already taken time off to care for family this week, and today he doesn't have to because you're at home. You'll manage today, just as all parents have at some point when the whole family has been unwell.

SoundBar · 12/10/2021 08:25

It sounds like a conversation would have solved this. But you are both exhausted, stressed and ill.

Think of it as taking turns. Does that help? Not just yesterday vs today taking turns. But in the future too. So long as the work impact is spread evenly between you both, it's fair.

GoWalkabout · 12/10/2021 08:25

Its hell when d & v is going through the house. You have both probably spread it to work now. Cut each other some slack, you both needed to be present at work, you said you would stay off the other days if he did Monday. It sucks that you are sick.

Original poster
yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:25

I really do appreciate all the different replies, thank you. I might have to toughen up!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:28

@MrzClaus

"It doesn't feel like we're a team right now"

I'm sure it didn't when you hopped off to work yesterday and left him to deal with it. Now he's done the same (and you said you'd take the rest of the time off if needed) you're kicking up a fuss?

Did you see my previous posts? It was agreed he would take 1 day off, I'd have the other 4...how is that being unfair to DH???!
OP posts:
Energy4You · 12/10/2021 08:28

He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today.

Tht is absolutely and utterly unacceptable!! When things have settled, then i think you need to have very words with him about sharing responsibility of the dcs which includes taking day off when they are ill.

TisBrilliant · 12/10/2021 08:28

Being ill yourself & looking after ill children is the pits. I remember these as some of the darker and resentful bits of parenting small children… and feeling a bit lonely when he didn’t seem to realise how ill anyone was, didn’t bother to check in with us throughout the day and didn’t make extra effort in the evening to make things easier for me. I’ve wised up since...

It’s totally acceptable if DH had a big deadline or there’s a toxic work environment he’s actively looking to leave… and if he pitched in with the necessary clean ups and prepared some bits for you today to make today easier.

If not - he is BU. Discussion time so you’re not just left with cleaning up the vomit whilst he swans off to a clean office…

Tilltheend99 · 12/10/2021 08:28

The reason he should have stayed home is because he is now going to give vomiting and diarrhoea to all his colleagues. If they knew what was going on at your house they wouldn’t want him in either. Honestly since Covid everyone seems to have forgotten that you can pass other illnesses on too. He’s the one being a martyr to his work. Hope you all feel better soon.

DistantSkye · 12/10/2021 08:28

You have my sympathies, looking after kids while your ill really sucks and you're not unreasonable to feel upset.

However I can't imagine either DH or I taking time off work for this - the other parent would have to be properly incapacitated for that kind of dependents leave to go through. I only get 5 paid carers leave a year - I tend to use that for when the kids are ill and couldn't afford to take a day when my husband was also at home but just feeling a bit crap.

As for taking a day off to avoid potentially spreading it to colleagues - again maybe it depends on your workplace but I don't think I've ever worked somewhere that I could phone up and say "my husband's got a sickness bug, I'm taking the day off just in case I get it"!!

edwinbear · 12/10/2021 08:29

YABU. He's done his bit by staying at home yesterday, now you need to do your bit by sucking it up and managing. D&V bugs tend to last 24/48hrs, so the likelihood is that you'll start feeling better today. He really can't take more than a day off when he isn't actually ill.

Rosemaryandlemon · 12/10/2021 08:29

Neither YABU or YABNU, but he should have had a discussion with you, along the lines of:

  • Do you need him to stay home?
  • If he goes in is there a way he can come back earlier?
  • If he has to go in can get things set up for you to make your day easier.

My DH is exactly like this though. He would have walked out the door without a second glance, which given on one of those occasions I turned out to have meningitis you would think he would be more concerned.

Original poster
yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:30

@Ricekake I put DS in bed with DH as I was dealing for with the baby, and it was the first time he's ever had a sickness bug. I thought it was kinder than putting him back to bed on his own.

Also, if he was going to be sick again, DH would be right there to help.

OP posts:
Star81 · 12/10/2021 08:30

Honestly, although your feeling unwell you just need to muddle on. That’s what most people do. If we all took days off when children are sick most families would never be at work !!

Energy4You · 12/10/2021 08:30

Re staying at home with you…

Just as much as I think it would have been nicer for you, I think it’s fair he is at work.
HOWEVER, I would also expect him to step up during all the nights and not leave deal with both dcs AND be ill yourself.

Tbh the comment about you being ill anyway so it doesn’t matter is crap.

Rosemaryandlemon · 12/10/2021 08:31

I imagine if he had just shown a bit more concern/consideration you probably would have said you could manage, but it's the fact he just went.

SoupDragon · 12/10/2021 08:31

I think YABU.

I get the point about not wanting to pass the bug on but people can't really take time off just in case they are ill.

I wouldn't have expected XH to stay home to look after me unless I was genuinely incapable (which happened once when I put my back out). Since then I've just had to get on with it as a single parent and there have been several times where standards of parenting have just had to drop whilst we all just got on with being ill.

SeasonFinale · 12/10/2021 08:31

If you need to go to the loo you pop the crawling baby into his cot. There was no need for your DH to stay home too. You need to because of your stomach issues. There will be other times when the staying off with sick children can be shared but in a situation where you are already home and can presumably take some imodium there is no need for 2 adults to take time from work. "bank" that for another time.

Lockheart · 12/10/2021 08:31

@Tilltheend99

The reason he should have stayed home is because he is now going to give vomiting and diarrhoea to all his colleagues. If they knew what was going on at your house they wouldn’t want him in either. Honestly since Covid everyone seems to have forgotten that you can pass other illnesses on too. He’s the one being a martyr to his work. Hope you all feel better soon.
Have you ever tried to call in sick to a job when you're not actually sick but you just might be ill later in the week? I can't imagine that going down well at any workplace.

If you're ill, you stay home, if you're not, you can go in.

daisypond · 12/10/2021 08:32

I'm just really hurt that he's chosen to work rather than care for us. If the roles were reversed absolutely I'd stay at home

This stood out to me. How exactly would you just “stay at home”? I assume you can’t just book a day’s leave at short notice? It’s very unprofessional. It’s not sick leave. It’s not emergency dependant’s leave. You have only been back to work for two weeks and you already think it’s fine to take the piss? You aren’t going to last long in your job.

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