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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to work when we're all sick

360 replies

yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:01

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V Confused

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

OP posts:
Energy4You · 12/10/2021 08:32

I’d also remind him if he ever is ill as well as the dcs, he will be able to look after the dcs.
Because it’s easy right?

SoupDragon · 12/10/2021 08:33

@Rosemaryandlemon

I imagine if he had just shown a bit more concern/consideration you probably would have said you could manage, but it's the fact he just went.
To be fair, saying "you're not going in today?" probably was overly confrontational. "Are you able to stay at home/go in late/come home early? I don't think I can cope today" might have been better.
ShuddaBeenMe · 12/10/2021 08:35

I think you're being VU.

If he's not ill he should go to work.

Vie8126 · 12/10/2021 08:35

Yabu he should go to work he isn't ill and you can look after the kids. A sickness bug is no fun I get that I was a single parent of 3 for many years we would have a duvet day on the sofa and let them watch their programs nap when the baby naps. Yesterday when the children were poorly he took his share of the parental duty. Today you are poorly so makes sense that he has gone to work. You're poorly so probably feeling more needy than normal.

I have just had covid and had a 6 week old baby who also contracted covid. Despite being post partum and struggling with a newborn my partner still went to work (he is double jabbed therefore he could leave the house) it was a struggle but I got through it. I didn't think he should stay home to look after us. The only day he came home from work was when the baby was blue lighted into hospital struggling to breath and even then he had to wfh (he wasn't allowed in the hospital due to Covid policy only me) You will be fine with the children. I hope you all feel better soon and it passes quickly.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 12/10/2021 08:36

I just think it’s gross he went in when he’s likely a carrier- don’t worry OP fingers x he gets the shits on the train home!

Right, practically - accept today will be hell but it will pass- lots of CBeebies, put the kids anywhere safe (baby bouncer?)- basic easy food and look after yourself!

Hermanfromguesswho · 12/10/2021 08:36

Well you know what he would prefer now…for you all to carry on going to work when your partner is not well. So do the same. When you’re better and he inevitably comes down with it… you go to work and leave him vomiting and looking after the children alone. It’s what he chose 🤷

CeceJoyce · 12/10/2021 08:37

I think he should have stayed home because you have said you can manage financially if he took unpaid leave and he’s been in his job a long time so no doubt has a good reputation of being reliable. So I think he should have helped at home, D & V is horrendous for you but taking care of two children with the same issue is pure hell.
Chances are he’ll get sick too and has probably already given it to his colleagues.

Geamhradh · 12/10/2021 08:37

People who are not I'll need to go to work. You can't just not go in because another adult in the family has a sickness bug.

gamerchick · 12/10/2021 08:37

@Star81

Honestly, although your feeling unwell you just need to muddle on. That’s what most people do. If we all took days off when children are sick most families would never be at work !!
Yes we all do.

However, when husband catches it. He doesn't get to go to bed to only think about himself either. He'll be have to muddle on as well.

cricketmum84 · 12/10/2021 08:37

@Energy4You

He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today.

Tht is absolutely and utterly unacceptable!! When things have settled, then i think you need to have very words with him about sharing responsibility of the dcs which includes taking day off when they are ill.

But it doesn't always work like that! It totally depends on each parents jobs and what is expected of them from their employer.

My DH works in retail and would not be paid and would be poorly thought of if he took a day off to care for me. Whereas I have the ability to work from home whenever needed. It's an unspoken agreement that I stay with DC when poorly. They are teens now but it's always worked this way for us. He does pretty much everything around the house as I'm disabled and struggle.

A partnership doesn't have to mean everything 50/50. Everyone has different circumstances.

mumofmunchkin · 12/10/2021 08:38

yanbu.

This is different to yesterday, when you went to work, because he was at home looking after the kids and he was healthy.

You're ill today, if you're too ill to properly care for the kids (and a sick 9 month old isn't a child you can just sit in front of the TV and ignore for the day) then he should stay home. He should have told work why he wasn't in yesterday. My husband has stayed home in this scenario - me and two kids were down with vomiting bugs, so he stayed home to look after us, he's a teacher, he rang up and said he needed a day off for emergency childcare.

MangoM · 12/10/2021 08:39

Hope you're feeling better today, D&V is just awful and I can totally understand you not feeling confident looking after a small child while unwell with it.

I'd be very nervous travelling into work in his situation. He may have caught it already and it could hit him out of the blue. That's what happened to me back in June when husband had it ... I thought I'd escaped it and then two days later it just hit me out of nowhere. I'm just glad I was at home when it happened.

toomuchlaundry · 12/10/2021 08:39

Could he WFH?

Ricekake · 12/10/2021 08:40

@Hermanfromguesswho

Well you know what he would prefer now…for you all to carry on going to work when your partner is not well. So do the same. When you’re better and he inevitably comes down with it… you go to work and leave him vomiting and looking after the children alone. It’s what he chose 🤷
If people took time off when the children are ill and when a partner is ill some would never be at work!
Dentistlakes · 12/10/2021 08:41

If he wasn’t sick then he should have gone to work. If he was sick too then that would be a different story. I know it’s hideous to have to look after sick children whilst being sick yourself, but it’s part of having a family.

ScaryHairyMcClary · 12/10/2021 08:42

I just wonder if it was the other way around- if he had a sick bug and had been up all night and kids were sick - would he expect you to stay off to look after children? I do think that unless it’s a dire situation with work, if you’re too ill to look after the kids he has to stay off, just like he’d have to if the childminder was ill.

StripyHorse · 12/10/2021 08:43

YABU.

If you were both well but DCs are ill, you should split time off work 50:50.

But in this situation - as long as you are well enough to care for your DCs (even if it means putting the baby in their cot while you are in the bathroom) it should fall to the parent that is already off work.

I get where some posters are coming from about spreading the illness around work, but most employers don't have that mindset... if you are not ill you come in.

DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.
He had been sick in the night, that should automatically mean he was off school. It is 48 hrs in most places, although I know some schools say 24 in the hope parents can manage this, instead of sending in children that were sick in the night.

Hermanfromguesswho · 12/10/2021 08:44

I guarantee if the shoe was on the other foot and it was him being sick and all the children being sick but OP was well, he would expect her to stay home to look after the children. Always the way

MangoM · 12/10/2021 08:44

I also think he should tell his work that there's D&V in the household. There will be some people with existing medical conditions that will want to keep their distance if there's a chance he could be carrying it. For example, I have a friend with type 1 diabetes who caught it a while back and ended up being rushed into hospital. It might feel like a small nuisance to most of us but it can cause serious issues for some.

Artdecolover · 12/10/2021 08:44

Well when he gets it you go to work leaving him with 2 kids to look after
Simple really
Treat others how they treat you

EwwSprouts · 12/10/2021 08:44

YABU He should be in work. I have no idea why you put sick DS5 in bed with him? Much better to have one well adult.

D&V is horrible and juggling poorly children is hard but doable.

Teeturtle · 12/10/2021 08:46

I would not expect my husband to not go to work because I have D&V, I am sure his employer would be pretty surprised too. YABU.

SylvanasWindrunner · 12/10/2021 08:46

I think it depends how flexible his work is. DH could easily take time off or work from home while helping out, and if I did ask him to do that, he knows I'm asking because I genuinely need his help. It would be a rare occurrence. He would probably offer if he could see I was unwell, but I don't get ill very often.

Also would be a bit concerned he's merrily going around when his whole family have had a D&V bug and he was looking after the kids yesterday! I think if I was in his office, I'd want him to keep the hell away ...

Cryalot2 · 12/10/2021 08:48

I get that you feel hurt he chose to work when you and both dc are ill. You think his priorities should be you and dc.
My concern is that it looks as though you all have a d&v bug and he will possibly take it next, that aside he is likely to be carrying it and infecting others.
Hoping you all feel better soon

Cocomarine · 12/10/2021 08:49

YABU. There is no point in two adults being off, if the one that has to be off is still capable of caring for the children.

It’s a bit over egging then pudding to say about a crawling baby and you having diarrhoea. You already have a way to manage that when you’re well and it’s a normal loo visit - whether that’s a play pen, jumperoo, taking them with you… so just do that. It’s not fun! But save the days off from work for when they’re needed.

I absolutely would expect my partner to take over everything the second they were home though!

Hope you all get better quickly.