Page 14 | DH went to work when we're all sick

yellowgecko · 2021-10-12T07:01:57+00:00

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.) Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V [confused] DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today. DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it. He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left. YABU - he Should he have gone to work YANBU - he should have stayed at home I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work [sad]

nopuppiesallowed · 13/10/2021 19:44

I completely sympathise with you, OP. And like nearly every mum, I've been in the same situation. It goes hand in hand with having small children. They're germ factories and when a bug is ripping through the family, it's grim. When you've all recovered (and not before) it will be time for an honest conversation with your husband. Is he the main breadwinner? If he is then he's probably seeing himself as taking really good care of you - by bringing in the money needed to finance the family. If you are the main bread winner then things are different.

Annieconn · 13/10/2021 19:55

He should have stayed at home and looked after the children and you as you were sick too. Surely there is something about childcare issues / time off for parents of children under 16 if there is a family emergency. It takes two healthy parents to divide the workload of homelife / worklife. Plus he was carrying the germs into work.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/10/2021 20:02

YABU, I’d only expect the other to stay home if totally unable to care for the children. We take it in turns for dependents leave to spread the load Bette our employers.

Lightswitch123 · 13/10/2021 20:09

YABU

TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons · 13/10/2021 20:14

XH did this when I had flu. I was falling asleep, in no fit state to watch 2 toddlers. He did make jellies for DD's party the next day, but only because I would have thrown up if I'd done it.

Rainbowsew · 13/10/2021 20:15

[quote yellowgecko]@CampagVelocet that is a really good point!

I don't think he told them yesterday why he was off. He's been with the company 10 years and they treat him well, they would probably pay him a couple of days. We are lucky in that we would survive the week if he took it unpaid.

I'm just really hurt that he's chosen to work rather than care for us. If the roles were reversed absolutely I'd stay at home[/quote]
I'm sorry but I say yabu - he can't stay off work just to look after you all unless you're so ill the children needed another adult there with them, the he'd have to have holiday.

I wouldn't stay off work to look after DH and he wouldn't stay off to look after me. After all, what an one do for another adult with D&V I wouldn't want anyone near me.

Wheelerdeeler · 13/10/2021 20:18

Your dh absolutely should have stayed at home.

Can't believe the responses on this thread.

FatBettyintheCoop · 13/10/2021 20:19

As a manager, I’d be livid if a member of staff came into work when the rest of his family have a D&V bug. Completely irresponsible!

MissCruellaDeVil · 13/10/2021 20:21

I'm a teacher, we don't get a choice to be off because the kids are unwell yet I'm not. If I get D&V, I have to stay off 48 hours. DH should only stay if he is unwell.

billy1966 · 13/10/2021 20:23

@Fimofriend

I really do wonder at many of the answers here.

Yesterday when she went to work only the kids were sick. Her husband was FINE! So it is not the same thing at all. OP is sick! She is supposed to stay in bed and get better. Not look after the kids. Bet her husband wouldn't look after kids while he was sick whether they were sick as well or not.

This.

Hope you are feeling a bit better.

He doesn't really have your back, does he?

I suggest you sort out your contraception.

TheUndeadLovelinessOfDemons · 13/10/2021 20:34

Was waiting for that one...the baby has been asleep, DS is watching telly so I'm wallowing on the sofa in my self-misery talking to you wonderful people. Do you want to check my posting times against my bowel movements?

Yeah bollocks. If I'm that ill, being in bed with Mumsnet is about all I can manage.

Jayne35 · 13/10/2021 20:46

Sorry op but I think yabu. I don’t get paid sick leave so I would not stay home if DH and dcs were ill, they could manage without me and I wouldn’t expect DH to stay home if the situation was reversed.

Pippy1900 · 13/10/2021 21:42

Have posted a few times on this topic, but just thought of something. After 38 weeks of constant 24/7 sickness in pregnant, weak, dehydrated I had a C Section. Private room in hospital on very very short staffed ward! I was left to look after my new born for 12 hours on day of surgery! No help at all, even with catheter, drip, non-clotting inflatable boots on. Could just raise electric bed to reach baby on one side and nappies on other! Fortunately, breast feeding! D&v doesn’t seem that much to cope with!

Getyourownback · 13/10/2021 21:50

@yellowgecko

Ok I think I've had enough...in the main IABU for expecting him to stay home. Thank you for giving me clarity on this.

If / when the situation arises again and he's ill and the kids are ill, he'll have to look after them himself. I'll be going to work. That prescient has been set

The bigger issue is the communication (isn't it always) and we're def having a chat about his attitude when he left this morning.

As many pp have pointed out, we have it better than most, we will survive. For those who sympathised, much appreciated!

Boo, I was hoping for a final post from you @yellowgecko saying your selfish arse H had finally come down with it, and shat himself at work while sharing a lift with the company owner.

Jujules20 · 13/10/2021 22:38

@yellowgecko
I hear you and YANBU. You wanted to work as a team with your H. and feel supported and comforted.Why not? Two are better than one sometimes.

@Pippy1900 just because you coped in that situation doesn't mean that OP must also manage as it's only d&v. We mustn't look at the world through our own lenses.
Logic dictates that if he is around his wife and children who have d&v he at some point will have it and going into work means he most probably passed it on to others.
For that alone he should have stayed home. I know I would have managed absolutely well but we are our own individuals so comparing is unkind.
OP maybe need extra comfort and support from her H It's not a crime

My H left without a word( he claimed he was having a mental breakdown)when I was 11 weeks pregnant 25/4/20 in the middle of complete lockdown. He took the car as well and left me alone with 2 cats and a 3month old puppy in a remote Cheshire village. I won't bore people with details of what I went through
Was it tough? You bet. My M& older S live 80 miles away and couldn't visit until June due to restrictions.
Many would have coped better than I did and some would have fared worse.

The point is when we compare our troubles, pain and suffering to that of others we may unwittingly delegitimise theirs or ours. A balanced approach is not to treat a paper cut as if a limb was chopped off and vice versa

Mollymoostoo · 13/10/2021 22:39

[quote yellowgecko]@CampagVelocet that is a really good point!

I don't think he told them yesterday why he was off. He's been with the company 10 years and they treat him well, they would probably pay him a couple of days. We are lucky in that we would survive the week if he took it unpaid.

I'm just really hurt that he's chosen to work rather than care for us. If the roles were reversed absolutely I'd stay at home[/quote]
Hope you are feeling better.
This is what compassionate leave is for and it sounds horrible that he chose not to stay and help support you when you were so ill.
Sadly I know how this feels, I work in education so can only have annual leave during holidays (no I don't get them all off) but DH books his leave when I am at work and kids at school, so A, I have to look after kids on my own during hols and B, we have no time as a family/couple. He feels that he should have holidays that allow him to recharge but I don't need or deserve that.

Mollymoostoo · 13/10/2021 22:42

[quote Jujules20]@yellowgecko
I hear you and YANBU. You wanted to work as a team with your H. and feel supported and comforted.Why not? Two are better than one sometimes.

@Pippy1900 just because you coped in that situation doesn't mean that OP must also manage as it's only d&v. We mustn't look at the world through our own lenses.
Logic dictates that if he is around his wife and children who have d&v he at some point will have it and going into work means he most probably passed it on to others.
For that alone he should have stayed home. I know I would have managed absolutely well but we are our own individuals so comparing is unkind.
OP maybe need extra comfort and support from her H It's not a crime

My H left without a word( he claimed he was having a mental breakdown)when I was 11 weeks pregnant 25/4/20 in the middle of complete lockdown. He took the car as well and left me alone with 2 cats and a 3month old puppy in a remote Cheshire village. I won't bore people with details of what I went through
Was it tough? You bet. My M& older S live 80 miles away and couldn't visit until June due to restrictions.
Many would have coped better than I did and some would have fared worse.

The point is when we compare our troubles, pain and suffering to that of others we may unwittingly delegitimise theirs or ours. A balanced approach is not to treat a paper cut as if a limb was chopped off and vice versa [/quote]
I wish I could hug you. I hope you are doing okay, it is brave to share stories on forums like this.
I totally agree about not seeing other people's problems through our lenses. How we might react is so different to how others do. I hate the whole resilience market that seems to be the thing right now. It's like a competition on who can get smacked more before breaking.

Pippy1900 · 13/10/2021 22:46

[quote Jujules20]@yellowgecko
I hear you and YANBU. You wanted to work as a team with your H. and feel supported and comforted.Why not? Two are better than one sometimes.

@Pippy1900 just because you coped in that situation doesn't mean that OP must also manage as it's only d&v. We mustn't look at the world through our own lenses.
Logic dictates that if he is around his wife and children who have d&v he at some point will have it and going into work means he most probably passed it on to others.
For that alone he should have stayed home. I know I would have managed absolutely well but we are our own individuals so comparing is unkind.
OP maybe need extra comfort and support from her H It's not a crime

My H left without a word( he claimed he was having a mental breakdown)when I was 11 weeks pregnant 25/4/20 in the middle of complete lockdown. He took the car as well and left me alone with 2 cats and a 3month old puppy in a remote Cheshire village. I won't bore people with details of what I went through
Was it tough? You bet. My M& older S live 80 miles away and couldn't visit until June due to restrictions.
Many would have coped better than I did and some would have fared worse.

The point is when we compare our troubles, pain and suffering to that of others we may unwittingly delegitimise theirs or ours. A balanced approach is not to treat a paper cut as if a limb was chopped off and vice versa [/quote]
You are absolutely right. That’s was mean on reflection. It would be nice if we actually worked in a country where parents were supported through the employment to be the best parents they can. It would have been not only in mum’s best interests, but also the children’s to have Dad home. Just because we can cope doesn’t mean we should have to. You sound amazingly strong and actually the poster has coped today, but she shouldn’t have to. I don’t really think it her hubby’s fault, I would like to think more the pressure he is under at the unreasonable expectations placed on so many in this Country to act as though they can ditched anything non-work related for the designated hours of work.

timeisnotaline · 13/10/2021 23:49

@Mollymoostoo your dh doesn’t sound worth keeping, but you probably know that!

Twilight7777 · 14/10/2021 00:39

So it was ok for you to go to work when your child was sick but not your DH? Yes you are being very unreasonable

Mamanyt · 14/10/2021 00:45

That depends on his job, to a great degree. I've noticed that, as badly as mums who need time off for sick families get treated, dads can be treated even worse by bosses. "But, SURELY that's your wife's place! We hired you to work, not be a nursemaid!!!" And it's the sort of attitude that some men would not want to discuss with their wives.

However, it would have been wonderful if he had taken the time off, and as another poster mentioned, he's probably spreading this virus all over his office.

timeisnotaline · 14/10/2021 01:08

@Twilight7777

So it was ok for you to go to work when your child was sick but not your DH? Yes you are being very unreasonable

She left a healthy parent looking after the sick dc. No one on mumsnet has ever argued a healthy parent can’t look after sick dc. Then she came down with it.

Rainbow0821 · 14/10/2021 01:52

YABVU.

PurpleOkapi · 14/10/2021 04:12

The cluelessness of some posters continues to astound me. You're being incredibly unreasonable to expect your husband to prioritise your feelings over the job that's paying for the roof over your and your children's heads. He's not choosing his job over his family. He's choosing his family's well-being by not allowing you to manipulate him into jeopardizing it with emotional blackmail like "You'd do it if you really loved me." A man who behaved that way would be called controlling and emotionally abusive, and rightly so.

Passthegin99 · 14/10/2021 07:48

I'm with you OP! You had an awful night looking after the kids and yourself and then have to spend the day doing the same while DH gets a MUCH easier option of going to work. There's so much bullshit around the sanctity of the man's job. At the very least he should have hugged you and apologised and said he'll do the night shift AND tomorrow if you're still sick.