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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH went to work when we're all sick

360 replies

yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 08:01

The baby (9 months) has had diarrhoea since Friday. DH reluctantly agreed to stay home with her Monday while I went to work. (It's my 2nd week back after mat leave and I said I would stay home if needed the other days.)

Just after dinner, I started vomiting. Between us we put DD and DS5 to bed. I tried to sleep on the sofa bed, but didn't really. DD kept waking up, DH popped in and out but I went in to her at 1am, she'd pooed. I then had D&V Confused

DS started being sick at 4.30. I cleaned him up, put him in bed with DH. Baby woke up at 5, managed to get her down for another hour. DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.

DH was dressed for work. I said, you're not going in today? He got cross, said yes he should have gone in yesterday and I should have stayed home, especially as I'm sick today. I just burst into tears and said that kids get sick, it's not right to be cross about it.
He then said do you want me to stay and I said well yes I did! But just go cos you don't really want to be here. So he packed up and left.

YABU - he Should he have gone to work
YANBU - he should have stayed at home

I know being a martyr wasn't the right thing to do, I should have stuck to my guns. I just really wanted him to choose his sick family over work Sad

OP posts:
NellieEllie · 12/10/2021 09:17

YANBU.
If you are vomiting with d, you are not going to be able to look after the children properly, if at all. He was a pig going in.
For those saying he stayed home the previous day and you went to work so what’s the difference? Well OBVIOUSLY the difference is that you’re ill, he wasn’t.
I remember having excruciating sinusitis and could only bury my head in a pillow and moan in pain, and my DH was still going to work. We had a baby, a two year old and I couldn’t take anti inflammatories because I was breastfeeding. I said to him that the children would not be fed all day as I couldn’t move so fine if he was prepared to subject them to that. He stayed.

Hamtonn · 12/10/2021 09:17

It depends how ill you are. If you’re capable of looking after DC then he should go to work. But if you’re incapacitated by illness then there’s nobody looking after DC so of course he needs to step up.

emmaluggs · 12/10/2021 09:18

I’ve been here with this exact situation 2 sick kids and me sick too, I didn’t expect my OH to stay off work, yes it would have been nice but it’s not a reality for most people, I literally just handed over once he got back from work and took myself to bed, you just have to muddle through.

TacoTues · 12/10/2021 09:19

@Mymapuddlington

I don’t understand, why would he stay home? Get the three of you snuggled in bed with supplies and movies and when he gets home I’d expect him to do the cleaning and cooking as you’re not well but no point in staying home just to pander to you.
"Snuggled in bed"

Have you had either D&V or a toddler ever?

ThanksItHasPockets · 12/10/2021 09:20

On this occasion I do think YABU, but understandably so as it's miserable looking after sick children whilst ill yourself.

However, it's only October and the bugs this year are already awful. Once you are feeling better you and your DH need a serious conversation about how you are going to manage this issue in the future. From direct experience, with two children in school or childcare and two working parents with no family support nearby, this won't be your first rodeo.

Tittyfilarious81 · 12/10/2021 09:21

YABU I have been in this position myself 2 very sick kids same age as yours and had the bug myself and my DH works 12 hour shifts he couldn't stay home because we were all sick when he was fine ,you honestly just have to get on with it

ChristmasWithDC · 12/10/2021 09:21

I think it’s just something you’re going to have to get used to, unfortunately. Kids get sick and inevitably pass it to their parents. You can’t have both parents off work every time this happens, as nice as that would be.

Mymapuddlington · 12/10/2021 09:22

@TacoTues
Of course I have. My go to is snuggled in bed with movies 🤷‍♀️

ThanksItHasPockets · 12/10/2021 09:23

PS keep a very close eye on your baby for signs of dehydration if this is day six of symptoms for her. My 3yo had an awful seven-day d&v bug last week and we very nearly ended up in hospital with him. Feed if you're breastfeeding, encourage sips of water, and make lollies of diluted juice if you possibly can.

ADreadedSunnyDay · 12/10/2021 09:23

I think some of the posters here have forgotten how brutal a norovirus can be. It swept through our house when DS was 18 months old - first DS, then me, then DH - we all got sick approx 24 hours apart. There was no opportunity for going to bed, sitting on the sofa, watching TV. Trying to keep a young child hydrated when they have something like this is hard, plus clearing up sick and poo constantly while rushing to the toilet yourself is no fun.

OP take comfort from the fact your DH will probably succumb and ignore all requests for help if this happens, saying you are too busy and have to go to work. Make it clear he is on his own.

MrsLargeEmbodied · 12/10/2021 09:24

yabu but i hope you all get better soon, i am sure you will, keep hydrating

Seemssounfair · 12/10/2021 09:27

he's chosen to work rather than care for us

Work is what keeps a roof over your heads. In your situation where you are off sick anyway but well enough to care for the children there is absolutely no way I would expect dh to take the day off work, and I wouldnt take a day off with him either.

MRex · 12/10/2021 09:28

I'm surprised your respective employers wanted you in with D&V in the house, did you actually both tell them and ask? If not that's immensely irresponsible, it's awful to spread these bus around around for your own convenience. Particularly you if you can work from home!!

You can do some bits of work while off and he can't, which makes the balance between the two of you much harder. It depends what his job is how to best manage childcare absences going forward. If you work out which reduction of hours has least impact while enabling childcare, it will mean less angst all round e.g. would his employer be ok with him doing a shorter shift such as 6hrs while you top and tail 6hrs of your work around that, then both companies only lose out on a couple of hrs work for the day? Or do they prefer him to take off a day but maybe be available for a longer shift later that week? Do your company mind work made up at the weekend so you don't miss out on hours?

SylvanasWindrunner · 12/10/2021 09:31

Snuggled in bed with movies sounds strangely idyllic when you all have the shits and are puking your guts up.

Looneytune253 · 12/10/2021 09:32

I'm surprised at the comments. Of course he should go to work if he's well and there's another adult at home. Unless you were poorly enough to not be able to look after the children the healthy adult needs to go to work. Even with covid now the healthy people carry on.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/10/2021 09:34

Snuggled in bed with movies sounds strangely idyllic when you all have the shits and are puking your guts up.

I agree, it in no way reflects the disgusting reality of the situation!

But it passes. Thank Christ.

thedancingbear · 12/10/2021 09:34

I wish I lived in the lovely, cuddly MN world where turning up for work was strictly optional.

Original poster
yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 09:35

@ThanksItHasPockets

PS keep a very close eye on your baby for signs of dehydration if this is day six of symptoms for her. My 3yo had an awful seven-day d&v bug last week and we very nearly ended up in hospital with him. Feed if you're breastfeeding, encourage sips of water, and make lollies of diluted juice if you possibly can.
Thanks for this, will make sure I do
OP posts:
Bagamoyo1 · 12/10/2021 09:36

@StripyHorse

YABU.

If you were both well but DCs are ill, you should split time off work 50:50.

But in this situation - as long as you are well enough to care for your DCs (even if it means putting the baby in their cot while you are in the bathroom) it should fall to the parent that is already off work.

I get where some posters are coming from about spreading the illness around work, but most employers don't have that mindset... if you are not ill you come in.

DS was sick again at breakfast so he can't go to school today.
He had been sick in the night, that should automatically mean he was off school. It is 48 hrs in most places, although I know some schools say 24 in the hope parents can manage this, instead of sending in children that were sick in the night.

I thought that about the “sick at breakfast” thing too!
ChorizoJacketPotato · 12/10/2021 09:36

Let’s hope he gets it next eh!!

Bagamoyo1 · 12/10/2021 09:38

@thedancingbear

I wish I lived in the lovely, cuddly MN world where turning up for work was strictly optional.
Sadly I think we’ve all worked with people who live in that world. And bloody knackering it is too, covering for them because they broke a finger nail that morning!
Original poster
yellowgecko · 12/10/2021 09:38

@Bagamoyo1 and others re the breakfast sick, I didn't word that very well. As soon as DS was sick the first time, I knew he would not be going to school today. Absolutely would not send a sick child to school!!!

OP posts:
GrandDuchessRomanov · 12/10/2021 09:39

YBVU

Bagamoyo1 · 12/10/2021 09:40

@NellieEllie

YANBU. If you are vomiting with d, you are not going to be able to look after the children properly, if at all. He was a pig going in. For those saying he stayed home the previous day and you went to work so what’s the difference? Well OBVIOUSLY the difference is that you’re ill, he wasn’t. I remember having excruciating sinusitis and could only bury my head in a pillow and moan in pain, and my DH was still going to work. We had a baby, a two year old and I couldn’t take anti inflammatories because I was breastfeeding. I said to him that the children would not be fed all day as I couldn’t move so fine if he was prepared to subject them to that. He stayed.
What do you think single parents do? Seriously, what do we do when we’re ill and the kids are ill?
Rosebel · 12/10/2021 09:41

I don't think YABU. You are sick and have 2 children who are also sick. My husband would also fuck off to work if me and the kids were sick and I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to care for sick kids when you also feel shit.
He surely could have taken one more day off. Be careful it doesn't sound like he agrees with sharing sick days either.
Hopefully next time he'll be sick when the kids are and you can go to work.
Hope you feel better soon.