to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

[stepmoa]

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

@TatianaBis

You don’t stop being angry with people just because they decide to come to dinner. Life doesn’t work like that.

They have a problem with OP, she is not the one who has ignored them for years. They have announced they deign to visit, and she is expected to jump to and host them, when really they should be hosting the family if they want to make amends.

OP seems apprehensive about how they will treat her. And neither you nor I know how they will behave towards her so we can’t reassure her that it will all go fine.

She doesn't have to stop being angry with them. She just has to be enough of an adult to not let her wounded ego get in the way of DSD having a relationship with the family of her late mother. Everyone, including OP, agrees that this is what's best for DSD. OP just thinks her feelings are more important than what's best for DSD.

I don't see anyone expecting OP to do anything other than politely tolerate their presence in the house she shares with their grandchild. Keeping score over who should be making amends to whom doesn't benefit anyone, least of all DSD. They don't owe OP any particular relationship, and if they're never more than civil to her because they're only really interested in seeing their grandchild, that's understandable. The only thing they've arguably done wrong here is decrease contact with DSD, which they're now trying to rectify, and OP is trying to prevent.

You're right, it may not go perfectly. They may be cool or even downright rude to her. Stepparenthood isn't for the faint-hearted and emotionally fragile. She's an adult who chose to marry into this situation, and she can suck it up and act like one for a few days, even if her guests can't or won't. If they're horrible to her and DH still wants them to visit again, maybe then her anger would be justified. But that hasn't happened, and probably won't.

@Summerfun54321

I’m sure your DSD would benefit from the chance of building relationships with her family. On that count I’d suck it up and just put a smile on and get on with it. Making a drama out of meeting to the detriment of your DSD, is exactly what you’re complaining they’ve done in the past.

Family who resent a much loved member of DSDs family Does not always bring much to a child other than guilt

My parents had died by the time I was 9 and I went to live with relatives who did not want me there. I understand very well how the grandparents feel at the death of their daughter but this young girl lost her mother and the OP has welcomed her into her own family and clearly loves her and cares for her. She now lives in a stable and loving home.
I wish I had had a stepmother like you OP. 💐

They lost their daughter - very hard to bear, but shit happens and life goes on.

Maybe that's how you felt after your husband died @Rosscameasdoody but I promise you that no bereaved parent would appreciate that point of view. For many people who have lost a child life doesn't really go on in any meaningful sense and depending on their individual circumstances it could take years to get to a point where they feel able to manage their emotions around it. Maybe they see OP bulldozing into their daughters life, playing "mummy" and firing off emails to them about PTA events or whatever and it hurts them? You may be able to put the death of your spouse into the "shit happens" box but that probably wouldn't be the case if you lost your child.

Well, what are you gonna do, boycott the event or be a deliberately hostile host just to make a point, and thereby "proving" her family's misgivings about you in the first place. "See, I told you she was a bad one." Grow up, OP.

@Loveshelly

Of course you have the right to chose how you spend your time. But if you take over from a dead woman. You must have some comprehension of how that makes others feel

OP didn't 'take over from a dead woman'! Her DH met her and fell in love. Honestly, some posters have made it sound like she deliberately chose a widower to get involved with.

OP I know this is hard, but I do think meeting somewhere neutral will be easier for you.

I really feel for you OP, but I do think in this situation where there may be a chance to forge a connection with some of your SDD's relatives, you should do this for her.

I'm worried that if you don't behave well towards your SDD's aunt and uncle now then you will reinforce the grandparents perspective, but also risk hurting SDD.

I don't know anyone in your position, but I have 3 friends who have died as young mothers, the devastation of their family (parents and siblings) is huge. My friends died 6-10 years ago now, on my friends birthday yesterday (the 10th one without her) I held her sister as she wept.

I know it is hard given the grandparents behaviour in particular but please do this for your SDD and for the sibling who is trying.

On the hosting, is it something you generally find hard? If yes then reasonable to suggest a pub etc. if not and you normally enjoy it, it says too much to your SDD if you refuse to host I think.

Sorry dyslexia - I've got my DSD mixed up to SDD!

I think you should stop making this about ‘you’.

It’s about DSD and her family, who are still grieving the loss of her mother.

Be a bigger person. If you don’t want to ‘host’ then don’t! Hold the event somewhere neutral.

Speak up. Don’t by a martyr.

@Hadtocomment

You know I think some of the posts are truly unreasonable here. For one thing it's actually horrible for people to tell the op she is just stepping into shoes likes she is a cypher. She is her own person. She does not have to sit imagining herself into everyone else's heads. She is worthy of being treated properly and with respect. She did nothing wrong. She has in fact brought love and stability into the grandchild's life. I can see they might be traumatised. Maybe one of the grandparents fell into a depression and the others acquiesced or didn't want to upset them or something. All of which could be understandable but people here telling the op she "merrily" walked into another's place etc. I actually find that a disgusting thing to say.

surely the granddaughter deserves to love again (and the father too!). Surely the way of making things easier and not putting guilt on the granddaughter was to meet and accept her stepmother who was looking after her and part of her everyday life. All those emphasising how OP must imagine this and that and that she doesn't count only their grief. No actually. She is a separate person. She did nothing wrong. She did nothing to deserve poor treatment. Unless there is more that hasn't been said. She doesn't have to wallow trying to imagine anything. She can just continue to be a decent person. I hope she can approach it with an open mind. But there are some posts here that sound like she's done something wrong. I can't see it at all. Even the emailing...no I don't see that. And someone saying how awful the thought of her cuddling the granddaughter. Surely this this is exactly why she has done such a good thing that deserves support and respect not shunning?

Yes! Absolutely all of this.

The OP was not the first woman her DH had a relationship with when his previous wife died. This means DH started dating fairly soon after his wife died - before 2 years and presumably he took a break between relationships before he met OP?

Examining your DH’s behaviour shows he was very insensitive and moved on from the death of his wife very quickly, possibly only after a year. He introduced new women into his young daughter’s life very quickly which must have been confusing for her as she had just lost her mummy.

Looking at it from the GP’s point of view, I can see why they would be angry. Your DH seems to have move from on and had multiple relationships with 2 years of their daughter passing. Not great for them and not great for a little girl who just lost her mummy.

Your DH does not sound like a nice man.

YANBU @stepmoa
Yes they lost a daughter but a child lost her mother and they didn’t make it easier for her. They made it more confusing, messing her around and not turning up because it was difficult for them. The child comes first in this, as a parent/grandparent you go home and ball your eyes out but you don’t make life worse for a child who has lost their mother.
I’d be very concerned about meeting them in case they find it difficult again and retreat.

How soon did you and get together after the passing of his DW? Maybe the grandparents felt it was too soon and were still mourning? It’s great that DSD’s aunt and uncle want to meet. Could you meet at a restaurant or coffee shop instead? Might feel more relaxed (for all of you) than meeting at your house.

@SuperCaliFragalistic

But you have jumped into a dead woman's life and expected her parents and siblings to be alright with that. Maybe they haven't always put DSDs feelings first (and they should have tried) but can't you understand that they are probably very shocked at how easily their daughter was replaced? Your DH should have dealt with this issue better but you could at least be supportive of them trying to make amends now.

Stop it, just stop it.

The OP hasn't done any jumping into someone else's life. The OP's DH met her after two years. It's not great for anyone, it must have been hard for him and for the OP. She's made the best of it, and possibly made a few mistakes, like people do. But she's also be a loving SM to the DH's child.

The OP has feelings too. The DH could have made it easier by asking her how she felt about it before simply inviting them. He should have done that at least, so the OP could decide whether she wanted them at her home or in a neutral venue.

OP I can see why he might have done that though, because he wants the rift to be healed, for his daughter's sake. But at the very least he should acknowledge how you feel to and that it's not totally easy for you, while acknowledging the overwhelming grief of his first wife's family.

@stepmoa This is clearly an extremely difficult situation for you all and it’s a shame your DH hasn’t handled it better. I feel you’re getting the blame here from some posters for the results of your DH’s actions.

I don’t think they’re wrong to want a meeting now, but it should be on neutral territory.

Slightly different scenario but some of DH’s family fell out with me several years ago then eventually approached DH to smooth things over. They wanted to come to our house but he refused and said we’d meet them in a restaurant. It was still difficult but much less so than if I’d been expected to host them.

Op, I don't think you or DH have done anything wrong.

I can only imagine how the conversation has gone with the sibling - Hi I wonder if we could visit? - Eh Yeah, of course your welcome!

If they've asked to visit it would have been awkward of him to say No.

I assume they are thinking about the physical distance between you that they are doing the travelling rather than asking you to do it. Meeting in a service station makes me think they are a distance away and it's halfway.

I wouldn't be doing a big meal, sandwiches/ sausage rolls would be about the extent of my hosting.

Very difficult situation and the longer it has gone on the harder it has become. But they probably realise if they don't put some serious effort in soon, they could loose the will of your DSD.
She's preteen so not a kick in the bum from the age when she'd be making up her own mind over who she sees and how she spends her weekends.
As one of the posters said she no longer sees her mum's family who didn't welcome her DSM.

It's a big step for them to visit and see you being mum to their niece. Just the same as it is for you to meet this other family your DSD has.

I wish you luck and hope it goes well.

I sympathise so much with everyone involved in this situation. There is a similar issue, although different relationships, in my DH's family, and it has caused so much awkwardness and stress for the bereaved person who has found a new relationship but has to compartmentalise their life. Its been years now and i think resentment has now built up on all sides so much that I worry that even if they did now decide to meet it would be too tense. However I also worry that DH (as the person who has maintained relationships with everyone) will be the one left dealing with conflict if the first time the two sides meet is at a death bed or funeral!

For that reason it is very much in your DSDs interest that you can at least be in the same room and civil with her mums family, so she doesn't have to worry about who she can invite to her wedding or have to watch what she talks about in case of upsetting people.

I can understand how hard it must be for you but it's not personal- they don't even know you so it can't be. You need to bury your feelings for a day to make this first step for dsd"s sake. The uncle and aunt are making a step so you need to too or DSD's got years more of disappointments because people can't be in a room together to come! It sounds like you have a great relationship with DSD, and I do think the in laws are in the wrong for how they have treated her in the past by prioritising their feelings about her dad moving on over seeing her, but they were grieving and holding a grudge now won't help anyone.

However, of course you are not being unreasonable to have mixed feelings about it and not be looking forward to it. Talk to your DH about that and what can make it easier for everyone.

Oh, and I agree the emails were a bad idea unfortunately. Similar situations where one side has seen the new person as 'overstepping' have happened in our family and it's put things back to square one in terms of being ready to meet. Of course most people realise it's great your DSD has you in a mother role, but seeing you take that role by organising the school stuff was probably too much for her grandparents at the time. You meant well though.

I think you've had some really good advice on this thread, op and I hope you're not feeling too battered by it.

You sound like a brilliant SM and that you have a really good relationship with your SD which is the most important thing.

YABVU
They lost their daughter.

Two things can be true-

1. They way they’ve acted is completely understandable. Grief is a process and clearly the family as a whole has taken a while to get to this stage.

1. They way they’ve acted is completely unfair. You’ve done nothing wrong and in fact have been an excellent step-mother.

I can only suggest reminding yourself that their difficulties are not about you but about the loss of their daughter. Try to make things as easy for yourself as possible.

[quote stepmoa]@FlorenciaFlora he checked the dates we were free but I wasn't asked if was possible.

It was a couple of years gap, so not ages. I wasn't his first girlfriend either but the first one that he mentioned[/quote]
If you were the first girlfriend they heard about, the relatives see you as the first girlfriend. And to be honest, a couple of years isn't long when you've lost someone who was very young .

Surely you can be gracious about this, just smile and be nice.

Who was the one that forwarded your emails to H to reply? These people or dsd grandparents?

Who were the ones who cancelled last minute if h was away? The GP or these people her aunt and uncle?

I would arrange it on neutral ground, not in your house. Ideally I would suggest a picnic where everyone brings something, just to break the ice. But this time of year it might be a tad cold. I don't think you are being unreasonable and you must know that stepmothers generally don't come off well on MN. The grandparents have lost their daughter but that was hardly your fault, speaking as a stepmother who faced a similar situation.

For the life of me I can't see what was wrong with emailing them about school events. It was entirely reasonable to assume they might want to know and be involved in their grandchild's life. It's not as if OP was ever the OW

@Why2why

The OP was not the first woman her DH had a relationship with when his previous wife died. This means DH started dating fairly soon after his wife died - before 2 years and presumably he took a break between relationships before he met OP?

Examining your DH’s behaviour shows he was very insensitive and moved on from the death of his wife very quickly, possibly only after a year. He introduced new women into his young daughter’s life very quickly which must have been confusing for her as she had just lost her mummy.

Looking at it from the GP’s point of view, I can see why they would be angry. Your DH seems to have move from on and had multiple relationships with 2 years of their daughter passing. Not great for them and not great for a little girl who just lost her mummy.

Your DH does not sound like a nice man.

Oh behave. The person who knows if they are ready for a relationship is the person themselves. Other relatives might not like it, for their own reasons, but the DH in this case was ready to move forward with his life and no one can tell him what to do!