to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

[stepmoa]

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

OP I want to say that I think you are amazing, looking after a child in these circumstances is to be admired.

What bothers me is your DH’s behaviour towards the in-laws. The circumstances of the daughter’s passing haven’t been disclosed (and it’s none of our business!) but it all sounds so acrimonious. For example, why are the grandparents picking up their GD from a service station forecourt? Why has DH been reluctant to maintain contact with them? This part makes me sad and I can’t help wondering if these barriers have set a precedent that you have been deeply impacted by.

My advice would be to not take any of their behaviour personally but I absolutely think you should hold your head up high and know that you have raised your SD like your own and a new family unit has been created. But please understand this won’t be easy for them.

I wouldn’t be happy with the aunt and uncle coming to your family home for the first visit. I’d make this much more about SD and choose a country park for a walk and talk and refreshments if there’s a cafe attached. I would then make a concerted effort to involve them in SD’s life, and ultimately your life. It will be hard for them, kindness and understanding should be the default.

As for DH, what does he actually want? Did he have a good relationship with the aunt and uncle when his ex-wife was alive? Did she have a good relationship with her family?

I can see so many elements to this - in this situation it’s much easier when you’re an outsider looking in.

Keep holding your head up high. You are an unsung hero in all of this, but emotions prevent the immediate family (in laws) from recognising this. Parenting can be a thankless task, parenting stepchildren is much harder

Your DH really should have discussed this with you and dd before saying yes - what was he thinking?? I think now he needs to have the discussion with dd about it and explain his reasoning. Why should everything fall to you when he's the one making the decisions.

Now that it's done I think all you can do is show that you are the bigger person and do your best to move things forward. Hopefully they're ready to move on now too and it can be a really positive thing for dd.

@Itsokay2020

OP I want to say that I think you are amazing, looking after a child in these circumstances is to be admired.

What bothers me is your DH’s behaviour towards the in-laws. The circumstances of the daughter’s passing haven’t been disclosed (and it’s none of our business!) but it all sounds so acrimonious. For example, why are the grandparents picking up their GD from a service station forecourt? Why has DH been reluctant to maintain contact with them? This part makes me sad and I can’t help wondering if these barriers have set a precedent that you have been deeply impacted by.

My advice would be to not take any of their behaviour personally but I absolutely think you should hold your head up high and know that you have raised your SD like your own and a new family unit has been created. But please understand this won’t be easy for them.

I wouldn’t be happy with the aunt and uncle coming to your family home for the first visit. I’d make this much more about SD and choose a country park for a walk and talk and refreshments if there’s a cafe attached. I would then make a concerted effort to involve them in SD’s life, and ultimately your life. It will be hard for them, kindness and understanding should be the default.

As for DH, what does he actually want? Did he have a good relationship with the aunt and uncle when his ex-wife was alive? Did she have a good relationship with her family?

I can see so many elements to this - in this situation it’s much easier when you’re an outsider looking in.

Keep holding your head up high. You are an unsung hero in all of this, but emotions prevent the immediate family (in laws) from recognising this. Parenting can be a thankless task, parenting stepchildren is much harder

Agree with this post. There is clearly a bit more to this than we know (and fair enough). Its not the OPs fault, if I was her I would suggest meeting for a pub lunch in relaxed surroundings and enjoy the fact that your stepdaughter will meet up with her aunt and uncle.

The service station pick up might be because both sides are meeting halfway 🤷‍♀️

I’d be horrified if my family didnt maintain a relationship with my child if I passed away. I’d expect grief, but not taking it out on my daughter who is alive and well.

OP, sounds like the relatives have woken up to life does move on and what they’ve missed out on is years of their nieces life and if she a teen now (think I read that), then she’s not going to be a little kid to cuddle and play toys with. It’s not going to be easy for them.
I would forgive them being absent just because they have lost out and I feel sorry for them not maintaining the relationship.

But you missed the point! Precisely others (eg, his dead wife’s family) did not like it and for understandable reasons.

The OP’s DH should be sensitive enough to understand that and not proceed to reduce communication with them and then get his new wife to email his dead wife’s parents about matters pertaining to their grandchild.

Of course, he is perfectly entitled to think only about himself and his needs and to hell with anyone else.

I think your DH’s behaviour will come back to bite him when his DD gets older and starts to need to know more about her Mum. His behaviour has been as horrific as OP’s has been amazing. Fucking men.

@Itsokay2020

OP I want to say that I think you are amazing, looking after a child in these circumstances is to be admired.

What bothers me is your DH’s behaviour towards the in-laws. The circumstances of the daughter’s passing haven’t been disclosed (and it’s none of our business!) but it all sounds so acrimonious. For example, why are the grandparents picking up their GD from a service station forecourt? Why has DH been reluctant to maintain contact with them? This part makes me sad and I can’t help wondering if these barriers have set a precedent that you have been deeply impacted by.

My advice would be to not take any of their behaviour personally but I absolutely think you should hold your head up high and know that you have raised your SD like your own and a new family unit has been created. But please understand this won’t be easy for them.

I wouldn’t be happy with the aunt and uncle coming to your family home for the first visit. I’d make this much more about SD and choose a country park for a walk and talk and refreshments if there’s a cafe attached. I would then make a concerted effort to involve them in SD’s life, and ultimately your life. It will be hard for them, kindness and understanding should be the default.

As for DH, what does he actually want? Did he have a good relationship with the aunt and uncle when his ex-wife was alive? Did she have a good relationship with her family?

I can see so many elements to this - in this situation it’s much easier when you’re an outsider looking in.

Keep holding your head up high. You are an unsung hero in all of this, but emotions prevent the immediate family (in laws) from recognising this. Parenting can be a thankless task, parenting stepchildren is much harder

Good post.

I was your DSD.

My SM and I never got along. She and my DF married 2 years after my DM's death. We became a blended family in the home I previously lived in with my DM.

But to her credit, SM welcomed my maternal GPs and siblings into her home. She made tea, chatted about school, holidays, weather. Sent and received birthday cards/gifts. She did everything she could to help us all deal with a very painful and emotional situation.

OP, I hope you can overcome your feelings towards your DSD's family. It sounds as though she is hugely loved by you and you only want what best for her. I hope the extended family can see how much you have devoted to the girl and learn to respect all you've done for her.

The only suggestion I have though is that if you're still living in the home their DD lived in before her death, you do the meet up in a neutral space.

The grandparents lost their daughter, but they chose to put distance between themselves & their granddaughter because they don't approve of their SIL re-partnering. Two years doesn't sound like an unreasonable timeframe for a young person to begin to move on & if I've read correctly by the time the OP was taking minimal steps which revealed her involvement via the sharing of some practical information via email, she had been in the picture for 4 years. To still be refusing to consider her as relevant by then isn't appropriate. The grandparents don't seem to be implying that there is an issue with the OP, if that was the case anyone who cared would want to be more involved with the granddaughter in order to offer protection & keep an eye on the situation. Their exclusion of the OP simply seems punitive.

The fact that the grandparents have interfered in the attempts of other family members to have a relationship with the OP - who is clearly an important & permanent part of their granddaughters life - indicates manipulation. They are entitled to their grief, & they have certainly suffered an ordeal. But they haven't handled it in a mature manner nor one which puts the best interests of their grandchild first. People shouldn't be absolved of poor behaviour, especially when it affects children, because they suffered a loss - however awful - years earlier.

Maybe this is why I’m single but no way would I have that!

If they want to meet you, they host, they invite you, they apologise for being dicks for so many years.

Thanks all for your comments.

To answer a few questions, we now live in our own house and not the former home. DH is not the bad man some posters have painted him to be, he does his best in difficult circumstances and has always done but admittedly we all don't get everything right with hindsight.

I've spoken with DSD and she is looking forward to the meet up so it will go ahead. I was never going to be anything but friendly and polite and she understands that it's a bit tricky but her view was that she knows they will love me as much as she does, which made me happy and broke my heart at the same time.

Grief makes people behave irrationally, and there is no worse grief than losing a child. It's unlikely that any of this is personal. Time has moved on, and they now feel ready to meet. None of this will be easy for anyone. I would try to host, but if you feel unable to do suggest a meal in a restaurant.

I was thinking about this and why I disagree so much with the posters talking about replacing people and "moving on" too fast etc etc. If those same posters imagine the grief of losing a baby or a young child, no-one would blame the parents for having another child and no-one would see any other child as just a cypher of the child that died. No-one would say this meant the parents didn't love the child that died enough. No-one would be thinking that because any new child brought joy that it meant their grief was any less. I think people are extremely unfair to bereaved spouses. Finding connection and comfort with someone else does not mean you loved your partner any less. Going to pieces or falling into a state where you cannot be joyful again does not mean you loved more. Keeping the positives of life is so important also for children where two years can be such a long time. Let alone six! The spouse can go through hell losing a partner and it can be a lonely place to be, sometimes for a long time if a long illness is involved as the well spouse will often be trying to protect the ill one and might not feel able to lean on them emotionally or completely express their own devastated thoughts or fears.

@Why2why

But you missed the point! Precisely others (eg, his dead wife’s family) did not like it and for understandable reasons.

The OP’s DH should be sensitive enough to understand that and not proceed to reduce communication with them and then get his new wife to email his dead wife’s parents about matters pertaining to their grandchild.

Of course, he is perfectly entitled to think only about himself and his needs and to hell with anyone else.

But he can move forward and have another relationship. Is he supposed not to do this, thereby depriving his DD if a lovely step mum, because his late wife's family don't like it? For how long?

@stepmoa

Interesting feedback about the overstepping, I never thought of it like that, it was a couple of invitations for sports day or something as a similar olive branch as I know it would have meant a lot to DSD.

You weren't overstepping, you were offering them a way to be more involved with their DGD if they wanted to. What kind of grandparent goes out of their way to hurt their bereaved grandchild even more?

I'm on team OP. The grandparents are adults. Of course they are/ were grieving but even in those circumstances decent adults pull themselves together and focus on the needs of the child.

OP, my guess is that the aunt and uncle see how unreasonable the grandparents have been. If they tried to see you before before but were warned off by their relatives then they seem to be trying to build bridges now despite the grandparents.

As with all potentially dodgy meetings, I'd gently establish the limits and make sure it's not an open-ended visit. Also make it clear what you're offering: lunch or afternoon tea, say. Have a couple of things lined up that you could all do together (visit to a place of interest, board games, walk round a local beauty spot) if the small talk runs dry.

I know it feels like an imposition, and I think a few words with your DH for organising this without checking with you are due, but turn the situation a few degrees and you have the opportunity to make a great impression. The aunt and uncle will go back to the grandparents and tell them how unreasonable they've been all these years, I hope. Good luck.

The person who knows if they are ready for a relationship is the person themselves. Other relatives might not like it, for their own reasons, but the DH in this case was ready to move forward with his life and no one can tell him what to do!

Of course no one can tell him what to do, similarly neither he or the OP can tell the woman's family how to feel about the fact that he started dating so soon after their daughter died. The OP doesn't mention anywhere that they have confronted him or said anything nasty to him, they just understandably don't want to play happy families with a man who felt happy to move on from their daughter without delay. I wouldn't either.

They haven't been putting their resentment before their granddaughter either, as some people have suggested. They have always been in contact with her and having visits with her. They just didn't want to do a handover with the new girlfriend/wife, and by some of the things OP has said it sounds like it wasn't a rarity for her husband to agree to handover to the grandparents and then drop out of the commitment and say that they needed to do it with his new wife instead. If you're going to accuse the grandparents of failing their granddaughter then you'd have to blame the father for failing his daughter, too. It doesn't sound like he's made much of an effort to foster good relationships with his daughter's family.

I also don’t think the emails were overstepping. I’m a bit baffled by the shocked response of some posters, tbh. The OP was trying to involve the GPs in their lives, not dance on their daughter’s grave.

Is he supposed not to do this, thereby depriving his DD if a lovely step mum, because his late wife's family don't like it? For how long?

I honestly think most people would be upset if the spouse of their dead child started dating like a year after they died. It may touch a nerve for some posters who also moved on quickly, but families have a right to feel grief at seeing their loved one replaced so soon. Of course not many people these days expect someone to remain a widow/widower forever, but asking your dead spouse's family to be supportive of you dating so shortly after their loved one's death is a bit too much of an ask imo. I know the OP got together with him after two years, but I assume they probably know that he was dating and had other girlfriends before her.

You sound like a lovely woman.

Of course her grandparents were devastated at their daughters loss.

What a pity they felt it acceptable to cause additional upset and sadness to their grandchild, to have a dig at you.

I can well imagine that you are not impressed with them.

How lovely for your step daughter that she has such a close and lovibg relationship with you, after the utter heartbreak of loosing her mother.

So who is coming to tea? the aunt and uncle - who have tried in the past, but been blocked by the GP?

I think this visit is long over due and it sounds like the aunt and uncle have DSD best interests at heart, I'm sure it will go fine.

I totally understand how you feel

We were shunned by my dad's wife (ow) for years and then he said 'she's warming to the idea of having you around' having banned us from their house for years because of a perceived slight my dsis made (didn't at all, it was her making a fuss to get us out of his life)

I told him not to go to any lengths on our account, that she can't just toss us an invitation and expect me to forget it all.

this is not the case at all with your DSD, but I get the feelings of anger you have with the rejection of you for no reason.

@PurpleOkapi

She doesn't have to stop being angry with them. She just has to be enough of an adult to not let her wounded ego get in the way of DSD having a relationship with the family of her late mother. Everyone, including OP, agrees that this is what's best for DSD. OP just thinks her feelings are more important than what's best for DSD.

How is she getting in the way of this? She's the one who tried to facilitate this.

But if I was the OP and I was now expected to start laying on meals for this Aunt and Uncle and wait on them and hand and foot then I would tell DH to sort it out himself.

She is not their skivvy.

Having relatives over for tea for a few hours isn't being a skivvy. It's what makes the world go round. OP's DH needs to be roped in to helping out with the cooking and cleaning and prep and help with plates and serving and clearing up, though. Too many men invite people over with the expectation that their partners will deal with the minutiae of hospitality.

Next time OP gets to visit them and have them look after her.

I totally get it and think it's overdue.

I imagine they don't just want to see you but see where their DNeice lives meet her siblings etc

It won't be easy for any of you but will be good for DSD.

@2Two

For the life of me I can't see what was wrong with emailing them about school events. It was entirely reasonable to assume they might want to know and be involved in their grandchild's life. It's not as if OP was ever the OW

Neither can I.

But, mumsnet has spoken.

The grief of the parents trumps the grief of the child, Who not only lost her mother, she lost good loving relationships with her mothers extended family. But that’s all OP’s fault too.

@Ozanj

I think your DH’s behaviour will come back to bite him when his DD gets older and starts to need to know more about her Mum. His behaviour has been as horrific as OP’s has been amazing. Fucking men.

Possibly.

But as someone who went through something similar to the daughter, I see the extended family as the ones cutting off their noses to spite them