to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

[stepmoa]

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

I mean surely you know that him starting dating what. One year or 1.5 years after his wife died and minimising contact with the GP. Is pretty shit

I mean I know it’s common for men to move on, but I still find it really distasteful. As the dead woman’s parents still do I would imagine.

And unless you’ve been through the same experience, you’re in no position to judge. Women move on too you know - I did it after my husband died and lost friends because of it. Are we supposed to spend the rest of our lives alone and grieving just to please others ? There is a lot of guilt attached to ‘moving on’ no matter how long the gap between your loss and your new relationship. And I don’t believe even for a second that after 8 years the family’s behaviour toward the OP stems from grief. It’s resentment, pure and simple. They lost their daughter - very hard to bear, but shit happens and life goes on. You can’t expect someone to live their life so they don’t offend your sensibilities and that’s what’s happening here. I notice there aren’t a lot of references to the fact that this man lost his wife - there’s been a lot of criticism directed at him because he doesn’t want to see his wife’s family too often, but I think that’s hardly surprising, given the way they have behaved.

Any resentment you feel on that score isn't the fault of whomever's visiting

The resentment is mostly on their side though and I think OP’s resentment, although it’s more like hurt and empathy for DSD, is justified.

Their own resentment is their own fault. I think a pp is right - if they want to make amends they should have invited them all round to theirs.

I’m sure your DSD would benefit from the chance of building relationships with her family. On that count I’d suck it up and just put a smile on and get on with it. Making a drama out of meeting to the detriment of your DSD, is exactly what you’re complaining they’ve done in the past.

@TatianaBis

Any resentment you feel on that score isn't the fault of whomever's visiting

The resentment is mostly on their side though and I think OP’s resentment, although it’s more like hurt and empathy for DSD, is justified.

Their own resentment is their own fault. I think a pp is right - if they want to make amends they should have invited them all round to theirs.

OP has no reason to feel any more hurt and empathy for DSD now than she did before they asked to visit. She didn't suddenly become angry that they're treating DSD unfairly - according to her, they've been doing that for years, so this isn't a new development. She's angry because they're now attempting to do what she was supposedly angry with them for not doing: meet her and spend more time with DSD. There's literally nothing they can possibly do at this point that she wouldn't have a problem with. That's the part that I think is unreasonable.

@Rosscameasdoody
Well I do judge a little. Yes. Perhaps that’s a fault in me. But I also judge people who can’t be single ever, or jump from a relationship to another. I mean I understand there are people that cannot be on their own and need the validation of a relationship. But I don’t think it’s great. From a personal perspective.

I would like to think if I died, that I couldn’t be compartmentalised that swiftly.

You don’t stop being angry with people just because they decide to come to dinner. Life doesn’t work like that.

They have a problem with OP, she is not the one who has ignored them for years. They have announced they deign to visit, and she is expected to jump to and host them, when really they should be hosting the family if they want to make amends.

OP seems apprehensive about how they will treat her. And neither you nor I know how they will behave towards her so we can’t reassure her that it will all go fine.

I'm confused. How was DSD conceived if her DM was a young child when she died? I've read the OP twice now and I'm still baffled

DM died when DSD was a young child.

Personally I would RUN! Far away from all of them. What a shit show

[quote Loveshelly]@ShaneTheThird
I’m not anti step mum
Fine, I should have simply said girlfriend.
I’m just sitting here imagining how GPs must have felt that their son in law was dating so soon after their daughter died.[/quote]
I wonder how their late daughter would have felt about how they were treating her only child?

Yanbu. First meetin should be neutral territory. Go to a local hotel & book a small function room.

Either way, good luck - you got this.

OP, ignore some of the very judgemental comments. There are a lot of superiority complexes coming through on this thread!

I completely understand how you feel. You've been an excellent step mum, it shows you really care for you daughter and Ii compleyely understand why you think she deserved better. (She did!)

It's not right or fair but grief often overtakes logic and sound thinking. Yes, it's a very difficult time for her grandparents and while it in no way excuses their behaviour, it goes a long way to explain it. I know your emails were well intended but I can see how they could be considered insensitive even though you mean zero harm. There is no stepmom handbook and often it's a case of damned if you do, damned if you don't.

The aunt & uncle were also caught between a rock and a hard place. It seems like their wanted to meet their niece (they were going to in the past) but knew it hugely upset the grandparents (why they cancelled). Thry are trying to do the right thing now.

Discuss this with your DSD, encourage it but not overly so, just no negativity etc. Yes, she deserves better in the past but you can't change that so try make the most of things going forward

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I'm just thinking about your dsd's dm's POV. If something happened to me and my dh remarried, and my dp's let their emotions around that woman stand in the way of their relationship with my dc I'd be so disappointed in them.

I'd be really disappointed in my DH if he was meeting my parents in a service station for a handoff. How did that come about, OP?

I agree with other posters who say it's not surprising you're hurt but it's not about you.

I agree with other posters who say it's not surprising you're hurt but it's not about you.

Why do people keep trying to minimise the OP out of her own thread just as DSD’s mum’s family have deleted her from their life?

Why does everyone think OP’s feelings don’t count? Even her DH is at it.

Of course the ops feelings count. You rock up to a widow with a child and a complex family history. You have to reckon that shits going down.

Widower. Even

Ah right so it’s OP’s fault for setting her cap at a widower.

It's a very difficult situation all round.

I'm married to a widower and DS1 was very young when we met, he was a toddler when his Mummy died.

It took his Aunt a very long time to be able to cope with me doing things that her sister should be doing. We get on very well now, but she has said to me before that the little things were actually much, much harder for her than the big things.
She could plan for Christmas and brace herself for my being there on his birthday and the likes, but the little things caught her off guard - the time it was me that took him to A&E when he broke his arm, when I sorted school stuff, school photos, shopping for new shows, odd little interactions that are very often 'Mum' things in so many families.

I've been very lucky in that DS's grandmother was utterly wonderful (in fact she was the one who spoke to me when I was uncomfortable about DS's eventual wish to call me Mum), but people struggled.

People often mistakenly think that contact between families gets less important when children get older, but it really doesn't. It gets less frequent, because children can make their own arrangements, but it becomes more important because it's more important events. It's not school sports day anymore it's graduations, weddings and big life changing events.

I know it's hard when they've been so held back, but they've held out an olive branch. For your DSD's sake I'd encourage you to accept it. Just once - see how it goes. If they're rude or abraisive or anything like that then don't do it again, but it could be that something has made them realise that you are an important part of your DSD's life and they've been handling it poorly.

@TatianaBis
Nope. Just comes with a lot of very shaky strings. Tough going all round.

Very interesting post, and a good point of contrast. DS’s GM sounds absolutely lovely.

Holding out an olive branch though should be inviting OP and family out to a restaurant, not forcing the person who they’ve ignored to host them, that’s just bad manners.

Bugger. Hit send too soon.

You've been putting your DSD first all this time, whilst I don't think everything should be about self-sacrafice, you have nothing to lose by doing it this one time.

If they're apologetic, explain and want to make amends then it'll be good for all of you. In particular your DSD.

If they're not then you'll go back to how it has been all this time and your life really won't change any at all.

They might end up cancelling nearer the time.

It is hard but try my be the bigger person op. People deal with grief in different ways, there's no right or wrong. If possible, draw a line under it and start the relationships from scratch. Good luck.

@TatianaBis

I agree with other posters who say it's not surprising you're hurt but it's not about you.

Why do people keep trying to minimise the OP out of her own thread just as DSD’s mum’s family have deleted her from their life?

Why does everyone think OP’s feelings don’t count? Even her DH is at it.

Because they have no impact on what should happen next. OP has said in this thread that she agrees with DH's view that building and maintaining a relationship with these people is best for DSD. That should be the end of the analysis. If she wasn't willing to prioritise DSD's best interests over her own wounded ego, she shouldn't have married a widower with a young child. She can feel however she wants to feel about it - her feelings aren't the problem. The problem is her expectation that those feelings should be allowed to get in the way of DSD rebuilding a relationship with her family. Someone who wants their feelings to be the be-all end-all of every decision in their life shouldn't become a parent or stepparent.