to feel sad DH expects me to be happy about this?

[stepmoa]

After not meeting DSD's maternal family in all the time that I've known her (6+ years), largely driven by her grandparents refusing to accept that DH moved on after her DM (their DD) died when she was a young child, some relatives have now decided they want to meet me. They've asked to come to our house and DH has arranged the first date we are all free.

For context, DSD and I have a great relationship now and I treat her like my own DD but in the early years it was complicated as she couldn't understand why her other family and I were entirely separate. It's only as she has got older age has she realised that it was their choice and she and I now have a strong bond.

DH doesn't understand why I'm upset that after being shut out for years I am not only expected to have to meet them but to host as well. I will do it for DSD but it is not the start of a great relationship when it's taken so long and he is defending them about it. I feel they've let DSD down as this could have happened years ago and saved the poor girl a lot of sadness.

YANBU - it's reasonable that you are upset and DH should be more sensitive to this
YABU - they've done nothing wrong and are within their rights to invite themselves

@stepmoa

Thanks all for your comments.

To answer a few questions, we now live in our own house and not the former home. DH is not the bad man some posters have painted him to be, he does his best in difficult circumstances and has always done but admittedly we all don't get everything right with hindsight.

I've spoken with DSD and she is looking forward to the meet up so it will go ahead. I was never going to be anything but friendly and polite and she understands that it's a bit tricky but her view was that she knows they will love me as much as she does, which made me happy and broke my heart at the same time.

I hope for her sake she is right. 🤞🤞🤞

*Peoniesandpeaches

I don’t get the big deal with hosting it. Feels like you are looking for an excuse to still be mad they listened to the maternal parents wishes for those years. Either you are really open to a relationship or you aren’t.*

^ im with her.

@arrangeyourface

I also don’t think the emails were overstepping. I’m a bit baffled by the shocked response of some posters, tbh. The OP was trying to involve the GPs in their lives, not dance on their daughter’s grave.

Of course OPs intentions were good and of course in an ideal world she would be able to do this, but if she already knew they didn't want to meet her why would they want her emailing them. I don't think anyone was saying they shouldn't be invited, but DH should have done it. However I can also see why DHs effort to involve them hasn't been great- if his wife can't be involved too it makes it hard and puts up barriers. I've seen that happen with our family situation. People become less close if there are conditions on the contact. The grandparents are of course in the wrong but I don't think pushing it when someone is grieving would help the situation. It's great the uncle and aunt are taking steps to improve things now though.

Grief is long term, I kind of get them struggling with you being the new partner tbh. I'd be friendly, just for the sake of DSD. My DM moved on with a new man 2 years after my Dad died. Losing my Dad at 19 was horrific. I never accepted her new boyfriend because she lied about when she met him ( she pretended she was socialising with a girlfriend); & moved him in behind my back after saying she'd never live with him. He was also the total opposite of my Dad which somehow made it worse'. My dad had a huge personality, very Type A etc. I found the BF a weak & insipid lapdog.

@LovePoppy

Spot on

We don’t know why DH withdrew from the GPs. It may be that they somehow blamed him for death, or blamed him for still being alive, and/or blamed him for moving on. Maybe he just couldn’t cope with that and needed to move on with his life without judgement.

It's crazy, isn't it, Love Poppy? A little girl bereaved and her adult grandparents, who should have focussed on whatever they needed to do to support her and build a relationship with her, instead take action designed to hurt her — and MNetters are on their side!

You may have dodged a grandparent-shaped bullet there, OP.

It's obviously been a very difficult situation for everyone.

If the GPs were close to their GD before and backed away, was it up to her Dad to try to resolve this as he was grieving himself?

I'm afraid if I had lost my husband, trying to help the ILs with their grief would perhaps not be on my radar, as awful/selfish as that might sound.

Whilst I wouldn't have kept the kids away I probably wouldn't be going out of my way to make arrangements either.

Hope all goes well Op.

@Shedbuilder

It's crazy, isn't it, Love Poppy? A little girl bereaved and her adult grandparents, who should have focussed on whatever they needed to do to support her and build a relationship with her, instead take action designed to hurt her — and MNetters are on their side!

You may have dodged a grandparent-shaped bullet there, OP.

This. It beggars belief that a number of MNetters can’t see that the child should have come first with the grandparents.

@pollypocketlover

Is he supposed not to do this, thereby depriving his DD if a lovely step mum, because his late wife's family don't like it? For how long?

I honestly think most people would be upset if the spouse of their dead child started dating like a year after they died. It may touch a nerve for some posters who also moved on quickly, but families have a right to feel grief at seeing their loved one replaced so soon. Of course not many people these days expect someone to remain a widow/widower forever, but asking your dead spouse's family to be supportive of you dating so shortly after their loved one's death is a bit too much of an ask imo. I know the OP got together with him after two years, but I assume they probably know that he was dating and had other girlfriends before her.

I had immense aggro from my late husband's family after his death. (For example, a sibling was on the phone the very next evening demanding the funeral be held within a week).

They also took offence when I started dating. (Late DH had been ill for a long time and they were notably absent throughout. I was also childless, parentless and hundreds of miles from close family.)

My psychologist commented to me that I'd grieved more in the first 2 months than any of them would do in their entire lifetimes.

@SuperCaliFragalistic. I didn’t put my husbands’ death into any ‘box’ I was simply responding to some of the posters on this thread who are just out to criticise. I appreciate and I did say that the loss of a child is hard to bear, but so is the death of a partner and I see very little empathy with the OP’s husband, who, at the end of the day, lost his wife. Moving on from the death of a partner is not the easy transition some posters on here seem to think, but I stand by what I said. Life goes on - it has to, you have no choice in the matter. It took me two years to lift my head above the parapet of grief and when I met my partner there was a lot of guilt and soul searching attached to the relationship - I couldn’t get beyond friendship for a long time and even then my so called friends treated me like a pariah. I’m sorry but I simply CANNOT get on board with the viewpoint that widowed people should spend the rest of their lives alone and mired in grief, just to spare the feelings of other people. From what the OP has said, this is what her DH’s in laws expected him to do, and with little or no thought for the feelings of a little girl who had lost her mother - their daughter. That’s not grief, it’s resentment and it could well be the reason he wants little to do with his late wife’s family. Speaking from my own experience I wouldn’t want to face their disapproval and resentment day after day either. The OP has obviously established a loving relationship with her DSD, so maybe those accusing her of stepping into ‘dead womens’ shoes’ should consider that - she has the child’s interests in mind far more than her own grandparents, and that has to count for something.

@Hadtocomment

I was thinking about this and why I disagree so much with the posters talking about replacing people and "moving on" too fast etc etc. If those same posters imagine the grief of losing a baby or a young child, no-one would blame the parents for having another child and no-one would see any other child as just a cypher of the child that died. No-one would say this meant the parents didn't love the child that died enough. No-one would be thinking that because any new child brought joy that it meant their grief was any less. I think people are extremely unfair to bereaved spouses. Finding connection and comfort with someone else does not mean you loved your partner any less. Going to pieces or falling into a state where you cannot be joyful again does not mean you loved more. Keeping the positives of life is so important also for children where two years can be such a long time. Let alone six! The spouse can go through hell losing a partner and it can be a lonely place to be, sometimes for a long time if a long illness is involved as the well spouse will often be trying to protect the ill one and might not feel able to lean on them emotionally or completely express their own devastated thoughts or fears.

Great post. Thank you for your insight - I suspect you write from experience, if so I’m sorry for your loss.

Did your husband bother to inform them of these school days?

If not I think they were awful and spiteful in their behaviour.

I certainly don't see any malice in you inviting them, but again they put their feelings ahead of a grieving child.

I think they sound like very petty people who certainly can't claim their actions were for their granddaughters benefit.

They caused additional pain to a grieving only child.

What a pair.🙄

I certainly don't see any malice in you inviting them, but again they put their feelings ahead of a grieving child.

I don't think there was any malice from OP, but I equally don't share the scorn many seem to for the family for putting their feelings "ahead of a child's". I think they were dealing with an insurmountably difficult situation and some failure to be 100% selfless is quite understandable.

I think everybody involved would benefit from holding less grudges about how everybody dealt with their grief.

I haven't read the full thread but just wanted to let you know , you are not the only one .

I too parent a child and have done since she was 4 , her DM passed away and met her DF a little while later .

I am only ever open about my thoughts on here and I keep my feeling well hidden in real life but:

We are cooking , cleaning , washing , school runs, loving , comforting , providing and all of the other donkey work (and nice the bits) that come with raising children we didn't plan for and we are still the shits not matter what we do . I will always be in the shadow of my DH's late wife based on what others think she would or wouldn't have done in any given situation.

Their grief shouldn't trump your feelings but somehow it will so my advice is to smile and nod and be frustrated in private .

My DH can be blind to his ex in-laws ways sometimes and will use their grief as an excuse for their shitty behaviour towards me , I don't get involved too much with them anymore , DH can do the work involved to keep a relationship with them for DSC sake if he likes ,

since I've stepped back (as I was accused over overstepping) they've had no bday/Xmas cards, school reports,videos etc but guess what - I'm still the shit because I (never DH)can't be bothered with them

I may have ranted slightly - sorry

@Loveshelly. The problem is that when you’re grieving every day feels like an eternity, so when you say two years is a short space of time, it doesn’t feel like it from the point of view of the bereaved person. When you start a new relationship after the death of a partner, you are absolutely not ‘replacing’ the person you’ve lost, as some posters seem to think. If I had thought I was trying to replace my husband with my new partner, I’d have ended the relationship with him immediately as it would have been so unfair. Grief is different for everyone and if some are perceived as being able to move on more quickly, remember, a perception is all it is. For me, starting up a new relationship made me revisit the aspects of grief I thought I had put behind me, and it brought never before experienced feelings of guilt, uncertainty and insecurity. When we’re in a long term secure relationship, no matter how hard we try not to, we take it for granted to some extent, and when it’s suddenly taken away, it’s devastating. You don’t just lose your partner, you lose your way of life - everything comforting and familiar is suddenly gone. It takes courage to take that step again with someone new and only the bereaved person will know when they’re ready to do that. When people sit in judgement it just makes an already difficult transition even harder.

@spudinmysock rant away, I felt every word of that

@Rosscameasdoody I'm sorry for your loss, and so glad that you have met someone. I agree with you, and stand by my earlier comment that only the bereaved person knows when they're ready.

I think the detail that's missing here is quite relevant. The relationship the DP had with the in laws before their daughters death, their relationship following her death and how that changed (if at all) when he hooked up with the OP. They might have a very different shortly to tell and might feel that they were a significant part of their granddaughters life until he "moved on". Whilst that isn't the OP fault it's easy to see why they might resent her.

The grandparents behaviour has gone on for years to the detriment of their grandchild.

I believe their behaviour to be extremely petty and unkind to their grandchild to have continued for years in refusing to see their grandchild simply because due to circumstances, her stepmother was required to step in to do the handover.

Very petty.

IMO they in no way honoured their daughters memory by continuing this position for years.

@spudinmysock We are cooking , cleaning , washing , school runs, loving , comforting , providing and all of the other donkey work (and nice the bits) that come with raising children we didn't plan for and we are still the shits not matter what we do . I will always be in the shadow of my DH's late wife based on what others think she would or wouldn't have done in any given situation.

To the people who matter, your children, you are their everything and they are grateful to you.

I owe so much to my ‘step’ mother. She truly raised me, and took it on the chin from those who kept telling her how wrong she was. She means the world to me, and as soon as I had a voice I was defending her.

Thank you for doing all the work

Why is the sentiment of the deceased woman's parents, and wider family, that of OP being "the other woman". Their subsequent behaviour is that of grandparents whose daughter's husband cheated and left her for someone else.

A lot of the sentiments and language of other respondents is similar, as if @stepmoa was some sort of overstepping other woman who stole DSD's dad away from their mum. Not only the husband either, as plenty of accusations of overstepping seem to insinuate she's trying to steal the child's heart too.

The child's mother is dead. Are the husband and child supposed to wallow in grief forever, performance grieving the parent who passed away to the grandparent's satisfaction or they are being disloyal to her memory. The grandparent's seem to think they are basically cheating on her with OP.

All the understanding in these replies for the deceased mother's family, I can't fathom why their feelings trump everyone else's, especially those of the little girl who lost her mum and found love and care from someone else who was kind and willing to be a loving mother figure to her.

To be honest, I am not entirely sure of what I am waffling on about. It's just OP's treatment has made me feel like she is being woefully misjudged and treated like shit by an awful lot of people.

As someone who lost both parents at a young age, I would have liked to have someone like OP to have been there for me.

Some of the comments here about the grandparents are disgraceful. Anyone who has ever lost a child knows that it is an all encompassing grief that takes time to learn to live with. Describing it as 'wallowing in grief' is abhorrent.

Apologies Herbilgerbil. I incorrectly read you as describing the grandparents as wallowing in grief.

I’m with you @HebalGerbil

It’s not waffle, it’s perfectly sensible.