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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite my sisters partner to my wedding

247 replies

jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:25

Hello,

I'm new here and joined as I have a dilemma and wanted an outside perspective.

I'm getting married in April. The invites have gone out to all my family and friends, apart from my Sisters fiancé. They have been together for 18 years since the age of 15 and has he has been a huge part of my families life. He's even my children's Godfather.

Myself and future hubby have chosen not to invite him as he has just spent the last few years at Her Majesty's pleasure and we don't want to be associated with him any longer.

This is causing rifts with my sister and parents who state that they won't come if he isn't invited. I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two. I'm in two minds... help!

OP posts:
TheGirlCat · 12/10/2021 01:14

@TatianaBis

what he was in for?

It was substance related and whilst in had some violent clashes.

what did he serve time for?

Substance related crimes and violence whilst inside

HTH

Again, you are creating a narrative that doesn't exist. OP was ADDING that he was violent inside. As a reason for not approving of him. NOT that he served extra time because of a clash.

Learn to read, if you are serious and aren't trolling.

HTH

TatianaBis · 12/10/2021 01:19

Jaysus. OP stated he served time for substance crimes AND violence while inside.

Do you not realise that you get extra time for violence in prison?

TasteTheMeatNotTheHeat · 12/10/2021 01:20

I think you will lose your sister if you don't invite him.

If you feel really strongly about it, then maybe that's worth it. But this is what it all boils down to.

Personally, I would invite him, but I can completely understand why someone else might not. Some people feel very strongly about crimes related to selling drugs and I imagine those people wouldn't want someone like that to be part of their lives ever again.

TheGirlCat · 12/10/2021 01:21

@TatianaBis

Jaysus. OP stated he served time for substance crimes AND violence while inside.

Do you not realise that you get extra time for violence in prison?

AGAIN, the OP DID NOT state he served time FOR violence. That was your inference. She said there was violence WHILE he was inside.

As I said, you don't know what you are talking about. Unless the violence is truly serious such as ends in a death, you not usually get extra time. You really have absolutely no idea at all, whatsoever, what you are talking about regarding prison systems.

lemmein · 12/10/2021 01:30

Does your DSis have children with him? Are they invited?

I couldn't leave him out of the wedding, my sisters feelings would be more important to me than my feelings about him.

If it was me though I wouldn't be getting married at all to someone who didn't think it mattered if my family was there. It was a pretty shitty thing to say, call his bluff and suggest eloping - I reckon you'll quickly find how important it is for him to have HIS family there!

3rdTimeIsTheCharm1 · 12/10/2021 01:32

Family is family- invite him of course. If you need to - have a conversation with him and your sister about behaving nicely. Don't turn your back on family.

Dozycuntlaters · 12/10/2021 01:35

Sounds to me like your DH is a bit jealous that your parents adore your BIL and he's chucking his toys out the pram.

OP what do YOU want. If your partner says to you it was your decision would you want him there or not? As he's god parent to your kids you must have had a good relationship at some point. It's a bit sad really if you've chucked it all away because he's been in prison. Good people do awful things sometimes, he's served his time and just because he's been inside doesn't mean he'll never be a decent member of society.

In one sentence you say he's not the man he used to be yet in another you say that he was a great funny guy etc and maybe he still is. So basically reading between the lines you're completely blinkered by the fact he's been in prison and haven't actually seen any further than that.

Personally I couldn't marry a man who openly says it doesn't matter if my family aren't at my wedding as it shows he doesn't care about your feelings, your wants and needs but prefers to save face, to worry about what other people may think. If it's important to you that your family attend then insist on it and if you're not bothered then that's ok too, but just be prepared for the eternal rift it will most likely cause.

TatianaBis · 12/10/2021 01:37

This is my last post of the night as I have run out of patience.

Served time for substances and violence while inside = served time for both.

Killing someone in prison would result in manslaughter/murder charge; assaulting someone results in an assault charge. Sentences for prison violence have doubled in the last 10 years. In 2019 assaults were at a record high.

1forAll74 · 12/10/2021 02:06

Well it's your principles that are making this an issue, and if so,, so be it. But it would please your sister and others, and it's only a short time that he will be in the company of you and your future Husband.

MimiDaisy11 · 12/10/2021 02:15

While I hate drug dealers I imagine if you’ve gotten on well with him in the past then he’s capable of behaving well. What’s he going to gain from making a scene? It’d surely turn everyone more against him.

Environments like prison are a lot different to weddings. You get people who’ve never been in a fight in their life being violent in prison for various reasons such as survival and defence, so just because someone was violent there doesn’t mean they will be at a wedding.

MinnieJackson · 12/10/2021 02:18

Did you like him before?

Marmite17 · 12/10/2021 02:21

@KarmaStar

Yabu. If your sister is happy to have him in her life,and your family as a whole have accepted him,you should not cut him out from your wedding. Your fiancee on the other hand,saying it matters not about your family being there?that would concern me more. Invite the man and leave the last where it belongs,unless you want a huge family feud of course.
This. Plus think your relationship with sister and parents is toxic in that there was a lot of resentment to begin with. If you've told your fiancé about your sister being the favourite, plus you don't see to want B in L there, "You're family doesn't matter" could be support.
MinnieJackson · 12/10/2021 02:27

Obviously 15 years, he's been in your family. For you stay with him through prison takes loads of hurt and pain. I won't tell you what to think, but I just feel bad. No answers, no.solutions.

Marmite17 · 12/10/2021 02:33

Your. Think it's very unlikely that he would disrupt the wedding. Too much to lose. Would imagine he and his wife have had plenty of practise dealing with attitudes about his past. Perhaps an agreement that right or wrong, this is your special day so they leave?

SpiderinaWingMirror · 12/10/2021 04:50

Going against the grain here. Its your day. I think it's reasonable for you to decide not to invite him. I think it's fair for your sister not to come.
Piss poor attitude of your parents.

Hydrate · 12/10/2021 05:20

It isn't your family's wedding, it is your dp and yours. Their feelings count, but your DP'd feelings are more important. If they don't attend your wedding because he wasn't invited, they are making it about him, not you. I hope your parents will accept he isn't welcome and attend.

thebookworm1 · 12/10/2021 05:44

@negomi90

I think you're in a horrific position. Your fiance and family are making you pick a side. Listen to your husband and you will lose your sister, and probably your parents, because they will view it as a judgement on her. (And it is, even if you don't want to be, you're judging her for staying with him and such a bad a choice in partners that it can't be respected. For her being at the wedding without him, will be humiliating - where's your husband? oh he wasn't invited). Listen to your parents and jeopardise your future marriage. You need to think about what you want. Are you prepared to sacrifice one for the other and who are you willing to sacrifice. Don't think about anyone else, be selfish and do what's right for you.

The only possible get out clause I can see is to elope. You, your fiancé, any children you have and witnesses (possibly parents but no siblings from either of you). Then a celebration party a few weeks later which isn't an official wedding party.
That way you can get married without picking a side. But you lose the wedding, and the party and everyone else you want there.

None of these are good options.

Sorry.

This, I think both your fiancé and your parents are being unreasonable with you. When you marry someone, you have to accept the complexities of their family and do your best to lift the stress from your spouse - not add to it. For your fiancé to say it doesn’t matter if your family isn’t there is totally out of order and deeply insensitive - because it does matter a lot. It matters if they’re not there because of their own attitudes too. It will be a major deal to you either way. And for your parents to put pressure from the other side is cruel as well.

I think your fiancé should be saying things like “I’d be more comfortable without him there but it’s most important for you to have your parents there on the day do I leave the decision up to you” and your parents should be saying “we’re saddened by your decision not to include him but we’ll be there to support you anyway”.

Ultimately the most important relationship to work on is that with your husband so that’s where I’d put my focus — you don’t want to start married life based on resentment so if there’s one situation I’d avoid at all costs, it’s “sucking it up” and going forward with the wedding pretending it doesn’t matter if your family is not there. Even if you have a strained relationship with your parents, it’s likely to impact you through the years if your DH pressured you to stand against them with this situation.
If he’s not willing to at least work on a compromise then I’d be very cautious about proceeding with a wedding.

Sometimeswinning · 12/10/2021 06:13

I'm not sure why people on here are more in support of a violent, drug dealer compared to your future dh! I wouldn't want him at my wedding either.

Your parents are the controlling ones. Choosing a side which means they could end up missing your wedding, that's awful.

I feel sorry for your situation, I would not invite him.

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 12/10/2021 06:43

@TheGirlCat are you the sister? Op clearly said he served time for violence whilst inside. Learn to read. It is ridiculous how wrong you are and yet you are still arguing. Read the op’s post again.

Op, maybe head over the the stately homes thread.

And ignore those women insisting you invite a violent drug dealer to your wedding. Id bet my home on the assumption none of them had violent criminal drug dealers at their weddings.

NearlyNearlyThere · 12/10/2021 07:25

Irrespective of the crime, it is always rude to invite one half of an established couple to a wedding.
The question you needed to decide and discuss was whether you wanted your sister there enough to invite her spouse,
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Bostonbullsmumma · 12/10/2021 07:36

I don't think it's controlling of your partner- it's his wedding too isn't it. I come from a family like this and get stuck in the middle hence why we didn't do a wedding and popped in to the local registry office not telling anyone! Would your partner consider meeting your brother in law before the wedding or is it already past that stage of reconciliation?

Autumnleaves4 · 12/10/2021 07:37

Op appears to be torn because of the pressure her partner is putting on her, not because it is her natural course of action to not invite him. Her future partner is creating all this and seems happy to split her from her family, this doesn’t bode well for the future.
I can’t believe there are posters saying that someone should be given a second chance after serving time. I presume these people would not employ them, socialise with them or help them in society, How would these posters have them live in society, certainly not integrated, perhaps we could create a special get to where all ex pisoners could live and build a big wall around them to keep them out of our lives. My good if this man is not welcome at his SIL’s wedding, where will he be welcome?
Such humanity.

Autumnleaves4 · 12/10/2021 07:39

should not* be

Autumnleaves4 · 12/10/2021 07:39

getto argh typos

icedcoffees · 12/10/2021 07:46

Unfortunately I think if you don't invite him you will potentially destroy your relationship with your sister.

I would also argue that it's not your fiancés choice. He's your side of the family and if you want him to attend alongside your sister and parents then that's up to you.

He doesn't get to say that it doesn't matter if your family don't attend Hmm it's not up to him!

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