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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite my sisters partner to my wedding

247 replies

jacq89 · 11/10/2021 20:25

Hello,

I'm new here and joined as I have a dilemma and wanted an outside perspective.

I'm getting married in April. The invites have gone out to all my family and friends, apart from my Sisters fiancé. They have been together for 18 years since the age of 15 and has he has been a huge part of my families life. He's even my children's Godfather.

Myself and future hubby have chosen not to invite him as he has just spent the last few years at Her Majesty's pleasure and we don't want to be associated with him any longer.

This is causing rifts with my sister and parents who state that they won't come if he isn't invited. I obviously want them there but my partner is adament that he doesn't want him there and that it doesn't matter if my family aren't there, the day is about us two. I'm in two minds... help!

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 12/10/2021 07:54

I think those of us on the fence between ‘violent drug dealer’ and ‘reformed criminal’ need a bit more context.

If your fiancé has never met him, is that because he’s only just out of prison? Have you seen him since he came out? How long have you been with your fiancé for, and does he normally get on with your parents?

Sorry for so many questions!

Shelby2010 · 12/10/2021 07:58

Also, how do you get on with fiancé’s family? If you are closer to them than your own then I’d have less problem with his cavalier attitude to your family attending. Especially if he sees your parents treat you as scapegoat to golden child sister.

Harlequin1088 · 12/10/2021 07:59

Of course you don't want a felon at your wedding! Your parents and sister are being ridiculous if they don't understand that. It doesn't matter how long he's been in the family for. For most normal people, once you've done time people tend to not want anything to do with you anymore.

Stick to your guns. You've done nothing wrong. If he wanted to be part of a family and do nice things like get invited to weddings, he should've thought about that before getting locked up. Simple.

Subbaxeo · 12/10/2021 08:01

Would you say to your future husband that he couldn’t have someone at your wedding even though it would upset him and possibly cause a family rift? And lay down the law when he expressed uncertainty about that? It is upsetting for your family that he’s done what he’s done but is your sister going to be ostracised from your life now unless she gives him up?

DFOD · 12/10/2021 08:08

The invites have already gone out excluding him. The sister and parents have already kicked off. The damage has been done. I would have told your DSis and DP your plans in order to prepare them if you care for their feelings.

I think that even if your DSis and DP there will be an unpleasant atmosphere.

You took a decision concerned about his behaviour around alcohol and him potentially kicking off with other guests. If you truly can’t trust his current behaviour (and you have evidence for that rather than just judgment about someone who has served time) then it’s important to calmly stand your ground.

Different circumstances but I had to but down boundaries with my sisters violent addict DH coming to my home - it caused all sorts of shit. I very calmly stood my ground and rode the storm of abuse from the enablers - and not long afterwards there was another incident with tragic consequences. I also have another BIL who did a long stretch for drug dealing - he is totally a reformed character and warmly welcomed and a key part of my family.

You know what you are dealing with OP. It’s your choice to make a call and it’s up to your disis and DP to respect your choices - and if they can’t to calmly withdraw and choose him over your wedding day - that’s on them.

countrygirl99 · 12/10/2021 08:13

So if the OPs fiancd doesn't want a drug dealer with a history of violence at his wedding he is being controlling. But if the OPs parents say they won't come if he isn't invited that's ok and the OP should bend to their ultimatum 😕. Because thats what YABU ultimately means here.

RealBecca · 12/10/2021 08:14

Imo its not about him. YOU say YOU want him there. Your partner isnt letting you. Your partner says its about you two...Unless what you want doesnt fit with what he wants.

icedcoffees · 12/10/2021 08:15

@countrygirl99

So if the OPs fiancd doesn't want a drug dealer with a history of violence at his wedding he is being controlling. But if the OPs parents say they won't come if he isn't invited that's ok and the OP should bend to their ultimatum 😕. Because thats what YABU ultimately means here.
I think the point is that it's not his decision to make. If OP wants her BIL at the wedding then he should accept that.

I also think by refusing to allow the BIL to attend, it's the fiancé who is causing these issues. It's not his choice.

SpilltheTea · 12/10/2021 08:18

I couldn't imagine missing my sister's/daughter's wedding over a violent drug dealer. They don't get to make demands over who is invited to your wedding. There must be a good reason why your fiance doesn't want him there. If they're going to kick off and behave like children, that's on them.

Wannakisstheteacher · 12/10/2021 08:26

The drugs and the violence are really separate in my mind. I imagine it is very, very hard to get through prison if you don’t stand up for yourself - not saying it’s right, but I would look at violence in prison very different from violence outside.

I’d also remind myself that prison is the punishment. I don’t think you should serve your sentence and then just continue being punished forever - we might as well tar and feather if that’s what we’re going for.

We all make mistakes. If he has learned from his then I would 100% support him. You mention getting pregnant at 16, and whilst I’m not comparing that to his crime (!!), you say your Mum was upset about it. So I’d look at this from your 16 year old eyes and show him the support you wish you’d got and the support you deserved.

Mynameismargot · 12/10/2021 08:43

@countrygirl99

So if the OPs fiancd doesn't want a drug dealer with a history of violence at his wedding he is being controlling. But if the OPs parents say they won't come if he isn't invited that's ok and the OP should bend to their ultimatum 😕. Because thats what YABU ultimately means here.
Violence whilst in prison though who the fuck knows what went on in there. Prior to that the OP thought he was such a great guy that she asked his to be godfather to her child. There is no indication at all that his behaviour at the wedding will be anything but fine, only her partner who doesn't know him thinks he might 'kick off'.

I agree with the poster who thinks that there is jealousy there on the dps behalf. Her family clearly adore the bil, a guy the OPs dp thinks is beneath him so it hits his ego hard that they like the bil more than they do him.

There is literally no need to interact with him at the wedding, you could have invited him and barely known he was there. You could have chosen to discuss your concerns with family prior to sending out invites. Instead you chose the nuclear option of snubbing him via the invites like he doesn't matter at all when clearly to your family he does. I'm not sure what reaction you were expecting to that kind of behaviour? What did you think your sister would say?

I think the OP was unreasonable in her behaviour and should have expected some kind of reaction but she doesn't have to invite him if she doesn't want to but every action has consequences and the consequences of publicly snubbing a beloved family member(and he seems to be this no matter what posters think of him) were pretty easy to guess.

Original poster
jacq89 · 12/10/2021 09:02

Wow, thanks for all of your comments. Whilst varied I get where you are all coming from, it's a difficult one wanting to please everyone.

What I will say is that my fiancé is not in any way controlling. I've been in a relationship many years ago with a man who was just that. So I know the signs.

He only met my BIL a handful of times before he went inside, whilst meetings were civil and pleasant he really doesn't know him like the rest of the family do. So really just sees a "criminal".

I've explained my stance on it to him and that I respect his views. He's said he doesn't want the children around somebody who thinks it's acceptable to do what BIL did. How can I argue with that? That's why I agreed to not send an invite.

Since doing that I've felt incredible guilt and am torn between my family and the father of my children.

I haven't met up with BIL and haven't spoken to him since he was sentenced. Perhaps, a chat between me and my sister/ BIL should be on the cards.

Thanks again for your responses.

OP posts:
MrzClaus · 12/10/2021 09:08

@jacq89

You have to do what is best for you and your immediate family - your spouse and your children. I would also totally agree with your DP on this.

Have the chat with your sister and BIL, personally just because she has decided to forgive him and move on, it doesn't mean you have to immediately do that too. I know you feel torn, but I think your family are putting undue pressure on you. If it wasn't your BIL who had done this, and just another guest, would the reaction from them be the same? I don't think so.

His rehabilitation isn't your responsibility.

gannett · 12/10/2021 09:12

He only met my BIL a handful of times before he went inside, whilst meetings were civil and pleasant he really doesn't know him like the rest of the family do. So really just sees a "criminal".

I think your fiance needs to be a bit more open-minded, or open-hearted. It's not great to just stick a "criminal" label on someone and reject them for it. They're a human being. And if it's someone who's going to be in your life/family (regardless of the invite situation) for a long time you should definitely make the effort to get past the label.

I think this depends on whether you really think your BIL will be a danger or unpleasant presence at the wedding, and how much you think he's reformed. I think your decision to have a chat with your sister, as per your last update, is the right one.

hairybakers · 12/10/2021 09:15

He only met my BIL a handful of times before he went inside, whilst meetings were civil and pleasant he really doesn't know him like the rest of the family do

Yet he's your (plural) children's Godfather?!?

I guess it comes down to whether or not you believe he is rehabilitated and has learnt from his mistakes

Mymapuddlington · 12/10/2021 09:16

YABU
He’s been in your family for nearly two decades, godfather to your children.
Ok he made a mistake for whatever reason but I would hope his family and the people who trusted him with their children would support and help him through whatever he’s going through rather than just dump him .

Mymapuddlington · 12/10/2021 09:18

He's said he doesn't want the children around somebody who thinks it's acceptable to do what BIL did. How can I argue with that?

But if you both were incapacitated or died BIL would have custody of your kids and that’s alright?

Original poster
jacq89 · 12/10/2021 09:18

@hairybakers

He is godfather to two of my sons from a previous relationship. I have two more with my now fiancé but he is classed as a dad to all of my children.

My other two were born when BIL was inside so he has never met them.

OP posts:
TheGirlCat · 12/10/2021 09:19

@jacq89 So what happened with the violence inside? Can you explain what you meant?

Also perhaps the BIL doesn't think it's acceptable NOW. Does your fiance' believe people never change? Lastly, I would tell him you wouldn't want your children around someone who is so self-righteous, so narrow-minded as he is. Heaven help your children if they ever make a mistake or wrong turn in life. What sort of father would he be then? Would he cut them off? Personally I wouldn't want my children around someone like your fiance'.

Original poster
jacq89 · 12/10/2021 09:51

@TheGirlCat

I used to hear from my sister that he regularly got into scraps with other inmates and the other party usually came off worse.

I know that this happens in Prisons, but the amount of fights he got into was a ridiculous number. No time was added on miraculously, but it's just the fact he got into these punch ups and then bragged about others coming off worse.

It shows he has a temper. As I said I will sit down with my sis and BIL and have a talk. What my fiancé needs is that reassurance BIL can be trusted again.

BIL has had temper issues in the past. Getting into fights at the footy etc.. he's never laid a finger on my sis and treats her like a queen. That's all I can ask for in that respect. My fiancé just hates violence of any sort and won't even let my son attend boxing classes lol.

OP posts:
TheGirlCat · 12/10/2021 09:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

FilthyforFirth · 12/10/2021 10:02

Why are you so invested ans angry @thegirlcat? So strange. Either you are the sister or married to someone in jail/has been in jail...

NearlyNearlyThere · 12/10/2021 10:02

@TheGirlCat
I have a degree in two languages and it sounded to me as though some of the time was for violence inside.
A lot of people don’t know how prison works.

TheGirlCat · 12/10/2021 10:05

@FilthyforFirth

Why are you so invested ans angry *@thegirlcat*? So strange. Either you are the sister or married to someone in jail/has been in jail...
If you have been spoken down to and told by a couple of bombastically ignorant people that you are wrong when it is abundantly clear that the OP never even said anything remotely like he 'served extra time', you would want to be vindicated too and you would feel angry too when you were abused but you were the only one who actually comprehended what the OP said. It's human nature to not want to be insulted and abused when you were right in what you're saying and the person insulting you is ever so clearly wrong.
Original poster
jacq89 · 12/10/2021 10:06

I apologise if it sounded like I said he served time for violence.

The violence happened whilst in. I'm not the best with words.

OP posts:
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