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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Please tell me I did the right thing not giving change to this man.

207 replies

Kaceya2230 · 11/10/2021 13:58

I've heard many times that people have had other people approach them in the street asking for money for a train fair or what not and often it's a scam. Never experienced it myself until today... possibly!

In a town centre, I popped into boots and I noticed a man sitting on the bench outside. I only took notice because he had a super cute dog with him. The guy looked pretty normal. As I left the shop he asked if I could help him - he was £2 short on a train fair and asked if I could spare a pound. I said no I'm sorry I don't carry change.

I did have change but in my purse I had money from my grandma for something. Some money for other things. I was worried if I opened it and he seen the notes I had I may be a target. I don't actually usually carry any cash but today I did have some on me for once!

But he was really nice. He just saying okay thank you and I went on with my day. He wasn't persistent or pressuring. Have I just ruined someone's day by not giving him any money?

To add the train station is quite a distance from where he was sat down so didn't sound convincing.

Would you have given change?

OP posts:
SpidersAreShitheads · 13/10/2021 02:39

Orla1970
*Some of the language on here describing fellow human beings is truly awful. Many many people end up on the streets and with a drug/alcohol issue because of significant trauma in their life. Not many people think when I grow up I’d like to have a heroin addiction and be homeless. Often it’s a combination of complex factors.

If you don’t want to give people money that’s your personal decision of course but all the names and derogatory language is unnecessary. This assumption that everyone is a scammer is way off too. If you don’t want to help. That’s your choice. Just try to be kind. Kindness costs nothing
This.

And often the same people who talk about needing a glass of wine / gin after looking after their kids or a long day at work. They "deserve" the gin and a bit of pleasure but the poor sod sleeping rough with maggots in his feet* somehow doesn't.

He doesn't deserve any money because he'll only spend it on wine. [{ here's your mirror }]

seen with my own eyes on a young guy with absolutely no hope left in his body through years of abuse and neglect

@MeredithGreyishblue and @Orla1970 - completely agree with both of you. These threads always break my heart.

People who say they won't give them money because they'll drink/buy drugs and won't ever get out of the cycle - what, you think without your crappy £2 they're going to magically get clean and go to rehab? Addiction just isn't like that. And personally when someone is sleeping rough on the freezing cold and dangerous streets, I don't begrudge them having a can of cider if that's what their addiction needs right now.

I worked as a volunteer at a food shelter for a considerable time and homelessness and addiction are so complicated. In our area, the shelters would only help people out with ongoing accommodation if they were willing to get clean right away. Some addicts just aren't able or ready to do that, and there are so many reasons for this. We had one of our older gents freeze to death outside the cathedral in the winter. I cannot tell you how utterly fucking sad homelessness and addiction are. He could have had a long-term place but wasn't able to consider stopping drinking, so all we could offer were the temporary overnight shelters which are massively oversubscribed every night.

There was a woman at the shelter, a heroin addict and as I got to know her I found out we were the same age. Her story was so sad, so much trauma, and she'd made a series of relatively trivial bad choices that ultimately led to addiction. Her bones were crumbling and she looked like a pensioner. She'd lost a child. A decade on and I still think of her sometimes - the phrase of "there but for the grace of god go I" has never been more appropriate. I'm not a big drinker, and a don't take drugs. I'm about as far from an addict as you'll find as I don't like the loss of control - but I still think that it only takes a couple of wrong turns in life, some twists of bad luck, and anything really could happen.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with not giving money to someone who asks. I don't judge anyone for that. But at the same time, try and consider what someone sleeping rough or even in a shelter might be experiencing. A little compassion goes a very long way.

Pythonista · 13/10/2021 08:38

Why are people making it about having a go at the homeless. This is about the scamming cunts who have hijacked the generosity of the public

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 13/10/2021 08:59

There are always the same beggars in our town centre - very obviously of non-local origin, and all having the same placard with exactly the same wording, in the same handwriting.

I’m afraid don’t give them anything. Having some time ago seen a TV prog. about it, I’m pretty sure they’re run by gangmasters from Eastern Europe. The programme - incidentally presented by a Romanian national - was about Romanian gangmasters, and included shots of some of their palatial villas in Bucharest.

For years there was a home grown beggar, with dog, always there in the High Street. I often gave him a couple of quid - until the local paper revealed that he had his own flat - owned, not rented - and plenty of cash in the bank.
He was never seen there again.
I do give regularly to homeless charities such as the Sally Army, Crisis, and St Mungo’s. But never on the street any more.

A dd once bought a burger for a man in central London, with a ‘Homeless and Hungry’ placard.
He told her to fuck off, he wanted money.

One story I liked, though, was of the police station where a homeless man often sat outside. He was there as usual on Christmas Day - one of the police took him out a Christmas dinner from their canteen on a tray, plus a packet of fags.
Some sanctimonious prick objected to the fags - they shouldn’t be ‘encouraging’ the poor sod to smoke.

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 13/10/2021 08:59

Remembered another one, I was scammed by a lady who asked for change. Took my purse out and gave her a note as I didn't have change.
Go to buy something later and all my notes are gone!!! Literally did it I front of my eyes, still don't know how.
So won't open my purse now. For those saying they always give, try living in a busy part of London, you'd be broke in no time as there are so many.
I was a documentary about homelessness but can't remember the name. The guy stayed in the streets for some weeks and befriended a lot of the homeless people. Turned out a lot of them weren't homeless at all. A few were travelling to London daily to beg. I remember a guy who had a house in Leeds and travelled from there. There was a guy who owned a house in London, Fulham who said he couldn't earn what he makes begging in a proper jobs and liked the flexibility.
There are genuine cases but there are places for them to go, there are places to get food, a lot of Churches are also open to sleep in.
Enabling them to stay on the streets by giving them money doesn't encourage them to change.
To OP, YANBU at all.

If I was walking with a friend and she decided to give, I wouldn't stop her but I also wouldn't expect her to ask me to give. It's a personal choice.

CityMumma78 · 13/10/2021 09:17

You’re not obliged to give a stranger money, plus like you said you had notes in your purse and were on your own which made you feel more vulnerable. Don’t worry, you’re not a bad person.

Owl55 · 13/10/2021 20:00

Same thing happened to me , nice polite man said he was short of train fare , I gave him a fiver as I had nothing less , he then ran to the betting office across the road!🤷‍♀️

ALongHardWinter · 14/10/2021 18:58

A few months ago,I was sat with a friend in my local high street. A scruffy looking woman approached us, practically in tears,and said she'd been mugged,could we give her a fiver so she could get the train home? My friend very kindly gave her a five pound note. She took it, quickly walked away and joined a man who'd been standing in a nearby shop doorway. She waved the fiver at him,saying 'Result!',and they both hurried off laughing.

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