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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me I did the right thing not giving change to this man.

207 replies

Kaceya2230 · 11/10/2021 13:58

I've heard many times that people have had other people approach them in the street asking for money for a train fair or what not and often it's a scam. Never experienced it myself until today... possibly!

In a town centre, I popped into boots and I noticed a man sitting on the bench outside. I only took notice because he had a super cute dog with him. The guy looked pretty normal. As I left the shop he asked if I could help him - he was £2 short on a train fair and asked if I could spare a pound. I said no I'm sorry I don't carry change.

I did have change but in my purse I had money from my grandma for something. Some money for other things. I was worried if I opened it and he seen the notes I had I may be a target. I don't actually usually carry any cash but today I did have some on me for once!

But he was really nice. He just saying okay thank you and I went on with my day. He wasn't persistent or pressuring. Have I just ruined someone's day by not giving him any money?

To add the train station is quite a distance from where he was sat down so didn't sound convincing.

Would you have given change?

OP posts:
Summerfun54321 · 11/10/2021 16:08

You’d be surprised how many people ask for a little money for some food but when you offer to buy them the food instead rather than give them the cash, they decline. If someone was desperate for 2 quid for a train fair next to the station and I had the time, I’d have offered to buy them the ticket and they give me the cash they had…you might find they suddenly don’t need that ticket after all. There are plenty of ways to help the homeless without fuelling drug habits. (Saying that…there have been a couple of people who took me up on the offer of buying food and I took them for a kebab etc and had a good chat as well, some people are genuinely hungry and desperate. In my experience though, most begging just want cash for drugs).

ilovesooty · 11/10/2021 16:08

Plenty of compassion for those who deserve it

How would we manage without arbiters of who deserves a bit of charity? Hmm

but that doesn't include drug addicts

Oh well. At least your judgemental attitude is transparent.

knittingaddict · 11/10/2021 16:09

@rbe78

I think 'scammers' is a bit of an OTT description - it's just a classic line from people who beg. You don't believe the reason they give, they know you don't believe it - it's your choice whether you give them money or not (knowing that is almost certainly not so they can catch the bus to see their poor old mum who's in hospital).
I disagree, I think scammer is an accurate description. They use this lie to engage with those who will give money in an emergency, so it cons the unsuspecting.

It's exactly the same as those who come on here with a tale of having no money for Christmas presents for their children, when that's a lie. I would call them scammers, wouldn't you?

icedcoffees · 11/10/2021 16:09

[quote Hoolihan]@icedcoffees ok could you provide some evidence that the 'vast majority' of beggars aren't homeless and go home at night then? Since this is so well known.[/quote]
I mean, you're free to google the issue if you want. I'm not here to have some major debate on it, lol.

ilovesooty · 11/10/2021 16:09

@CurryLover55

It’s train fare misses point of thread…….
Is your only contribution going to be nitpicking at someone's spelling?
toothpicklover · 11/10/2021 16:10

They probably take home more in a day than you do OP.
Don’t feel bad.

Fraine · 11/10/2021 16:13

I had this last week, a homeless man asked for change quite nicely and when I said I didn’t have any, he said he will accompany me to a cash machine (Hmm) and when I said I didn’t have my bank card, he just gave me a dirty look and stormed off.

Hoolihan · 11/10/2021 16:14

@icedcoffees I have and I've discovered that you're full of shit, lol

Theunamedcat · 11/10/2021 16:16

I tend to keep a few bits of change in my pocket for people like this but only because some have got aggressive with me when I haven't had a clear exit so I developed a strategy if I can clearly get away/around them I say sorry no and carry on with my day if I can't then I give them the cash saying sorry its all I've got

FluffyWhiteBird · 11/10/2021 16:17

@ilovesooty

Plenty of compassion for those who deserve it

How would we manage without arbiters of who deserves a bit of charity? Hmm

but that doesn't include drug addicts

Oh well. At least your judgemental attitude is transparent.

There is no "we". I manage my own affairs, make my own choices and hold my own opinions. Other people are free to think and act differently, that's the beauty of living in a free country.
Original poster
Kaceya2230 · 11/10/2021 16:18

@Tilltheend99

You are being reasonable to not give any change if you didn’t want to but you are being unreasonable to assume that if he sore your notes he was going to rob you.

He probably didn’t need change for the bus as wasn’t near a bus stop. A few times I have come across people genuinely needing money for train/bus over the years some examples are tween/teens, people with learning difficulties, elderly woman. Would hope people would use common sense as there are times when people genuinely need a helping hand.

I didn't necessarily mean him. I just wasn't happy getting my purse out with substantial money in it in the town! I don't usually have cash either!
OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 11/10/2021 16:18

This thread again demonstrates perfectly why the country is in the state it's in. People would rather demonise the homeless asking for a bit of change than consider how structural imbalances in other words poverty leads to people scouring the streets begging for one or two pounds.

Original poster
Kaceya2230 · 11/10/2021 16:20

@Fraine

I had this last week, a homeless man asked for change quite nicely and when I said I didn’t have any, he said he will accompany me to a cash machine (Hmm) and when I said I didn’t have my bank card, he just gave me a dirty look and stormed off.
Oh god, that's awful! There is a high Amount of homeless men and woman (mainly men though) in my nearest town (actually live in a village) and I've always found them to be lovely and never expect a thing! I'm sure the guy you had the experience with is just in the minority!
OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 11/10/2021 16:22

@SirenSays

I'd have given him the change but I'm probably in the minority that would here on MN, judging by how these threads usually go.
If I have it, I always give change when people ask me for train fair. I am not usually carrying loads of notes for anyone to spot though, so that's not a concern.

I just think if it's genuine then I've helped someone get home, and if it's not then what does it really matter? The person is still usually desperate and it doesn't harm me to handle over a couple of quid.

Also I'm mentally scarred from almost missing a flight home when younger because my dad's wallet had been stolen whilst on holiday (last day), and the rest of us didn't have any cards/cash. We had to go around the other passengers on our flight asking them to lend money to pay the country's exit tax so that we could board & transfer it back to them straight away when we got home, and almost everyone said no and wouldn't help at all. Luckily one man was kind enough to help us and my dad paid it back to him asap when we arrived home. It was so stressful and awful, so now I always help when I can. Paying it forward!

Original poster
Kaceya2230 · 11/10/2021 16:22

@keepingmumred

He's not going to attack you for your purse in a busy street. So yes yabu
I didn't necessarily mean him at all but I'm just not used to carrying cash. Makes a bit edgy at the best of times! I'm usually cashless tbh!
OP posts:
Upsky · 11/10/2021 16:25

I always keep a few coins in my pocket for rough sleepers and buskers.
I just think they are all someone's son or daughter.

nocluewhattowritehere · 11/10/2021 16:26

It was only £2, not that serious. If I could have spared it then I would have given it

MajesticallyAwkward · 11/10/2021 16:27

YANBU, genuine or not you're never obliged to give anyone money.
I'm a little suspicious of anyone approaching me to ask for money, I've heard of people being robbed when they take purses out to give money or phones snatched when asked for the time. I think it's a small minority but it does make you a bit more cautious.
Where I live there is a well known group of beggars that aren't homeless or needy in any way, they arrive in town in their very nice cars and set up near the parking machines asking for change because if you're paying for parking you have change.

GoodnightGrandma · 11/10/2021 16:28

I wouldn’t have given it.
We’ve got lots of people begging in town and they’ve got ‘pimps’ that take the money off them.
They also share a dog that sits there all day.

Vanuatu · 11/10/2021 16:29

@hooligan
Thank goodness for some empathy at last.

If I have change I will always give what I can and I am far from well off.

Who are we to judge?

Vanuatu · 11/10/2021 16:30

Sorry @hoolihan

Stupid auto correct

couchparsnip · 11/10/2021 16:30

I do a direct debit donation once a month to a local shelter. I feel less guilty for saying no to people begging for money because I know I'm probably helping them indirectly anyway.

Original poster
Kaceya2230 · 11/10/2021 16:31

Thanks all! I'm all for helping people in need but I wasn't sure if it was a scam. I've actually heard of it lots in the town I was visiting and other places nearby. I don't actually live there, I live in a village nearby but never happened to me before anywhere.

It is a quiet town where everyone speaks to each other there but that doesn't mean there's no crime. In fact, crime has increased. I think social media doesn't help. My local town has been listed as this nice safe area to live in newspapers, Facebook etc which encourages people to come to the area and commit crime in now recent years almost like we weren't expecting it. I'm not saying in any way this man was a criminal. He actually seemed very well spoken (first impressions) but in general terms crime isn't non existent in small towns!

OP posts:
Hoolihan · 11/10/2021 16:32

@VladmirsPoutine agree. People trying to convince themselves that beggars are all scammers or have homes to go to or are 'undeserving' are just looking for excuses for that fact that they don't care/do nothing/look the other way/vote Tory. Its the 'could never happen to me' crowd who also think that families visiting food banks have never heard of lentils and people on benefits shouldn't have have a telly.

Original poster
Kaceya2230 · 11/10/2021 16:34

@Upsky

I always keep a few coins in my pocket for rough sleepers and buskers. I just think they are all someone's son or daughter.
How can you honestly tell? High homeless rate in said town, those who sleep in shop doors are harmless, never beg, never expect anything and I would happily give to them. Yet this guy did not give the impression he was homeless (who knows though)!
OP posts: