Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Please tell me I did the right thing not giving change to this man.

207 replies

Kaceya2230 · 11/10/2021 13:58

I've heard many times that people have had other people approach them in the street asking for money for a train fair or what not and often it's a scam. Never experienced it myself until today... possibly!

In a town centre, I popped into boots and I noticed a man sitting on the bench outside. I only took notice because he had a super cute dog with him. The guy looked pretty normal. As I left the shop he asked if I could help him - he was £2 short on a train fair and asked if I could spare a pound. I said no I'm sorry I don't carry change.

I did have change but in my purse I had money from my grandma for something. Some money for other things. I was worried if I opened it and he seen the notes I had I may be a target. I don't actually usually carry any cash but today I did have some on me for once!

But he was really nice. He just saying okay thank you and I went on with my day. He wasn't persistent or pressuring. Have I just ruined someone's day by not giving him any money?

To add the train station is quite a distance from where he was sat down so didn't sound convincing.

Would you have given change?

OP posts:
Tilltheend99 · 11/10/2021 14:33

@Pythonista

We get them all the time - you did the right thing.

Giving them money means they keep doing it

Or continuing to be homeless means they keep doing it depends on the situation.
GoWalkabout · 11/10/2021 14:34

If you do give, then it just means that the people who are most talented in extracting your money get on well, not those who need it most. Up to you.

PlacidPenelope · 11/10/2021 14:36

I carry loose change in a separate purse and yes I probably would have given him £2. I don't always give there are some I absolutely refuse to and some I do, just depends.

ThreeYearsPastBestByDate · 11/10/2021 14:38

I'd work on not feeling guilty.

(And if someone's lying about why they need money or what it's for, that's a scam, regardless of the amount requested. When someone simply asks for money, then we can quibble about the semantics of "scamming" vs "begging". Imo, lying for money is always scamming.)

Dhcfisssifjrsnxfjds · 11/10/2021 14:38

I have worked with homelessness charities and they always said that you are doing more harm than help by giving any money - it perpetuates isolation and stops people from accessing help that will make a greater improvement in their lives. Having seen that at close hand I never, ever, give money regardless of circumstances. It never helps.

ilovesooty · 11/10/2021 14:39

You live in a small town where people stop and chat but were afraid of getting your purse out in case you were targeted?

Taxwolf · 11/10/2021 14:39

This is common near me (central London). There was a well spoken, well dressed woman who used to do this quite convincingly near our local tube station.

At least the pandemic has put an end to that awful band that used to travel around on the tube making a racket as well as the tissue sellers. People who donate to those are supporting people trafficking and organised crime.

Pythonista · 11/10/2021 14:39

They aren't always homeless. The ones who ask for change often are but the ones who blag that they need train fare home or whatever are scammers.

WallaceinAnderland · 11/10/2021 14:41

@Kaceya2230

He didn't give the impression of struggling. It was very strange. He was very well dressed, clean etc, his dog looked super healthy! Trying not to judge someone by the way they look though! I think I would be more likely to help if he like he was genuinely struggling! He seemed really nice too. When I walked past him again he was still sat there and talking to others. I feel people are stopping to speak to the dog too - the dog seemed super friendly so was probably making people stop! It is the type of town where you'd generally stop and chat to people to - especially if they had cute dogs! 😂
He was begging. Not all beggars sleep on the streets. He may be unemployed or he may just be asking people for money. Give if you want, don't if you don't want. Personally I don't give to any street beggars if that makes you feel better. I do buy the big issue from the lovely lady who sells it in our local town and other stuff like that. Just not beggars.
ElizaDarcysDeeds · 11/10/2021 14:42

I'd have walked past till I was at a distance where he couldn't see my purse, took out the £2, then went back and gave him it.
The way I see it is I can afford to lose £2 to someone who may be a scammer or may be in need. And as my DM says 'there but for the grace of God ...' meaning any of us could end up stuck for money and if we did, we'd want someone to give us £2.
But you did the right thing for you OP. You should never feel pressured or frightened.

bigbluebus · 11/10/2021 14:42

Of course they say it's for a train ticket - if they said it was for food or drink then people would go and buy them a sandwich/coffee and give it to them instead.
In our main town there are secure tamper proof collection boxes for the local charity which helps the homeless/vulnerable and a QR code you can scan to give by card. The Council and the charity tell people not to give cash directly to the people sitting on the street .
Chances are your man with a dog would be picked up later on by someone in a flash Range Rover. That's what DS said used to happen in his Uni city.

1forAll74 · 11/10/2021 14:43

It's the real rough sorts who stop you, and ask for money, when yoow darn well, they need it for booze or drugs etc, and yes,maybe for some food, But in this case, it could be genuine, but on the other hand not. So it basically puts people off, and makes them wary of such happenings.

I have just found a little plastic bag in my kitchen drawer, its full of 2 pence pieces, I wonder if this man would have liked those.!

Ariela · 11/10/2021 14:44

You did the right thing. Quite sure if he was £2 short he could have got to the nearest train station for the money he had, and walked. Or rang someone to pick him up from the nearest.

Reminds me of an incident I had in a neighbouring town. I was approached with this lady of very poor sallow complexion, she had a sob story of being between homes and living in a tent - but her tent had been stolen and she needed £10 towards a new tent. So I said 'I can do better than that, come with me to Millets (across the road) and I'll buy you a new tent. So the story changed. She actually needed the £10 to get into the next town by train where she had a room for the night. SO I said great, I'll come with you to the station and buy you a ticket. But that was wrong (she just wanted the cash), so then she needed food So I said no problem - there's a cafe there, join me for lunch on me! In the end she lost her temper and accused me of harassing her (!) . Unfortunately for her she kept popping up near me harassing other people so I said several people please don't believe this lady's sob story, don't give this lady cash she won't accept a tent/train tickets/a meal from me, she obviously wants the cash for drugs.

Ariela · 11/10/2021 14:48

Meant to add, that by saying 'no cash but let me buy you/pay for .... on my card'' you can easily weed (!) out those that need cash for drugs vs those in actual need

TractorAndHeadphones · 11/10/2021 14:51

I wouldn’t have - because anybody really needing money etc to get home would be in a right flap! And have gone to a shop/police station for help. Not calmly put themselves at the mercy of passing strangers.

I’ve lost my purse etc before and gotten shop to call me a taxi - paying when I got home. Or borrowed other people’s phones (this was in a station miles away from anyone else) to call family/friends.

One thing I DO feel guilty about though was a homeless guy asking us to buy a sandwich. DP was going to do it but I refused … was scared that the guy would rob him or sth. On hindsight I felt bad but as a woman you’re more wary of these things! If he’d been sitting outside the shop I wouldn’t mine but we were in an open air bar, and DP would have had to walk a way to the shop…

icedcoffees · 11/10/2021 14:52

Or continuing to be homeless means they keep doing it depends on the situation.

Giving someone £2 "for the train" won't stop them being homeless, though.

safariboot · 11/10/2021 14:53

If I gave to every beggar I saw I'd end up joining their ranks myself!

HappyDays101010 · 11/10/2021 14:58

Cant believe you’re giving this headspace. Money for the train/phone etc is just an indirect way of begging.

GatoradeMeBitch · 11/10/2021 14:58

You live in a small town where people stop and chat but were afraid of getting your purse out in case you were targeted?

Small towns where people know each other still have crime. They're not protected by a force-field of niceness that permeates through everyone.

GatoradeMeBitch · 11/10/2021 14:59

And yes, he was begging. The fact that you're feeling bad and second guessing yourself means that he's probably a very successful beggar and made plenty, so don't give it a second thought.

VladmirsPoutine · 11/10/2021 15:02

I give a bit of change as and when I can. It's not for me to police what homeless people do with the money I give them. If I were homeless I'd probably want to buy a drink too.

Ratatwat · 11/10/2021 15:07

I also don't really understand describing this as a 'scam'. I think it's been pretty thoroughly debunked that people begging for money on the street are actually secretly super wealthy and make hundreds an hour and drive off in an Audi afterwards.

I think about what it would take for me to work up the courage to ask a stranger for help with anything, let alone for money, and it would be incredibly hard for me to do. I assume if they ask, they really need it, and it must be awful for them to have to explain themselves every minute to dozens of strangers. Imagine justifying everything you do and every £2 you spend constantly.

I genuinely never have cash on me. I've apologetically said 'sorry, I haven't got any cash on me' and moved on if I can't go on a mission to help but if I have time I've gone to a shop and offered people to grab what they need and waited at the till for them. Sure, a few people have taken the piss a bit a few times ("Can't we go to a cash machine instead/but I like the brand of diapers etc somewhere else better so it's better you just give me cash" but I just politely decline and say sorry I don't have time to go anywhere else, I'm here at the moment and happy to help now but have to be on my way.

If the old lady who I bought some groceries for was 'scamming' me then I can live with that, if I hadn't helped then I couldn't live with the alternative that she went hungry.

furbabymama87 · 11/10/2021 15:09

No yanbu and over thinking. He's probably asked other people too and been told no. You can't give money to every beggar.

HarrietsChariot · 11/10/2021 15:11

You should never give change to people on the street, 99% of the time they will be begging so they can buy drink, food or drugs. They give whatever excuse they think will be most likely to get the result they want.

There was a poster campaign near me a few years ago that stated "Spare change doesn't bring change" - it was a homeless charity urging people not to give to beggars on the street because they won't spend it on the right things. If you dislike homeless people, give to a charity by all means, but not to individuals on the street.

These days, unless someone has been mugged (in which case the police will be able to tell them what to do) there is zero excuse for not having money for a bus ticket, the phone or a train journey. Contactless, Apple Pay, you don't need to pay cash for anything.

Idony · 11/10/2021 15:15

You could hang around all day and meet 12 people all a couple of quid short for the train. And they have been for twenty years.

Common scam, ignore them.