To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

[naggy095]

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

OP I really feel for you - what a nightmare, when all you want is a nice grandparent relationship for your DD. If only your in-laws realised that they would get more of what they want if they didn't act like crazy people!

You're only 4 months in...if you don't want this to be a lifelong scenario, I'd be quite frank with them: 'We're so happy that you love DD so much and we're excited for her to get to know you, but please stop making sarcastic comments to her about me and stop trying to take control (ie. room decoration). If you can't stop yourselves then we won't be able to come over anymore.'

My DH has recently finished his counselling sessions and they have really helped him. Both of his parents were very emotionally abusive, controlling and would manipulate him all the time. Sadly, he didn’t see what they did wasn’t normal for a while as he was used to their ways. He became extremely down and that’s when we decided that it had to stop.

Unfortunately, his PIL refused to accept any wrong doing and completely turned it around on to us and tried to guilt trip him. We no longer have any contact and neither does his brother or their other grandchildren. This was the last thing we wanted so I really hope you manage to work things out and can get them to respect you. I’d make some boundaries and make it very clear they have to follow them. She is your daughter, not theirs and they need to respect you as her mother.

Also, we found the teetha teething granules a god send for our son.

He needs to say "No, that doesn't work for US".

Not that Naggy doesn't want to.

Tell him YOU will be very pissed off he he blames you again.

Make that absolutely crystal clear to him.
"I will NOT accept you hiding behind my skirt"

OP the counselling is very important or this issue of his FOG will haunt your marriage until YOU are no longer happy and want out.

It is very important that he knows the potential damage this could do to your relationship.

In laws like yours DESTROY marriages.

Don't give such awful people that power over you both.

MIL actually had the cheek to ask why once… I just said because I said so and she responded ‘oh.’ and pulled a face.

One small suggestion. The above response actually leaves an opening for her to say/tell others/passively/aggressively imply that you are unreasonable. So maybe a better response might be something like:

"Because DP and I have decided that she will be breastfed until at least etc etc.... She will not be staying overnight with anyone whilst being breastfed. After that DP and I will review how we feel but at the moment we are not looking to have her stay away from home for a long time|!"

She will tell you she disagrees/make negative comments to DD or whatever, at which point you might say "I know you don't agree so there is no need to make those comments. However this is what DP and I have agreed together." Keep repeating ..."This is what DP and I have agreed" Broken record style!

YANBU by the way :)

@Shelddd

I think it's weird for them to push to have your baby overnight. Probably would have my guard up. Overnights are really something that should be initiated by you. I would be weary of anyone at all that tries to push for that level of unsupervised access regardless of how close they are to you.

Sorry just had to point that out, it really stood out to me.

Me too @Shelddd Maybe not because of the same reasons as you but I do find that tiny babies get passed about on overnights from very young. Theres plenty of threads on here about GPs asking for overnights from the time the baby comes out of hospital! And plenty of people who are quite happy to do it even with tiny babies! It’s not for me. But if all parties agree then fair enough I suppose. OP you don’t agree and don’t want this so you have to both (you and DH) be on the same page and say No. the passive aggressive stuff would be enough for me anyway I wouldn’t agree to anything more than the contact you have now.

DP and I had another talk tonight. I don’t think we’ll ever come to an agreement on how his parents act. Should I create a new thread under the relationships topic? I don’t have anyone I can really talk to about this but I want to talk about it instead of bottling it up

Sorry to hear that, Naggy.
Why not continue on this one, as we know the backstory that led to all this without you having to explain again? Threads often change direction, but it's still your thread. Or you could ask MN to move it to relationships.

Sorry to hear this. You may not be able to come to an agreement, but that doesn't mean you should be pressured into being a doormat to save his or their feelings ( not saying you are a doormat!)x absolutely ok door you to disagree whilst setting boundaries as to acceptable behaviour especially if he is not looking out for you.

Well I tried showing him websites explaining FOG and characteristics of toxic parents but he didn’t think they applied to him or his parents. He kept saying it’s me trying to make him choose between me or them. He suggested we all sit down (me, DP and PILs) and have it out, but that he won’t get involved because it’s apparently nothing to do with him. So what he’s suggesting is that both his parents spout horrible things at me whilst he sits back and listens. He also outright rejected counselling. The way he reacted was “you think I’m the one that needs counselling?”. I don’t know if he was trying to say that I needed it instead.

He’s just incapable of trying to understand my point of view because he’s grown up with their behaviour and can’t see anything wrong with it.

Your DP is as much of a problem as his parents. His "solution" of all 3 ganging up on you collectively is unacceptable as is the suggestion that you're the one with the issue/ bring unreasonable. Don't be cowed into rolling over. Absolutely nothing wrong with setting boundaries and nipping things in the bud now.

Denial and deflection are very good ways to avoid uncomfortable truths. My ex's family were great at it ('we have no problems here'). I too was subjected to the passive aggressive comments and putdowns. My ex's parents thought that the expression of feelings were a sign of weakness. He was taught to pretend to be ok and 'carry on'. I believe this upbringing was what turned him into an alcoholic, he is still battling this now. I think this kind of family dynamic has dangerous effects on the mental health. Visiting every few weeks is probably safer tbh.

Reply to her in a baby voice, start a two way conversation via the baby.Outweird her.

Well then, you make it clear to him that he absolutely has everything to do with it because you are a couple and you should be working as a team. Whether he agrees with their behaviour or not is irrelevant - it upsets you, so he should help to sort it out. I think his attitude gives you carte blanche to do what you like. Don't feel guilty and just call them out when they behave badly. Be short with them, say 'actually no....'. Any chance of moving further away? Are you happy with DP aside from this?

Ohh dear op he really hasnt got your back has he

wants the easy life so he doesnt look bad

youre going to have a tough future with someone like this

You could make going to counselling first a condition of seeing them again.

It’s not looking good OP, I’m so sorry.

He chose to be with you, to be your partner, to have a child with you and he’s refusing to grow up enough to think and behave as a partner and a dad instead of a scared little boy.

You’ve got a fight on your hands if he genuinely refuses to stand by you.

I’d be so very hurt.

Oh wow, that’s unbelievably frustrating. He sounds a long way down the rabbit hole.

Totally agree that you should not walk into an ambush. It won’t achieve or resolve anything.

I’d be inclined to detach further from his parents. Let him arrange time to see them.

It is very important that he knows the potential damage this could do to your relationship.
In laws like yours DESTROY marriages.

so true. you will feel unhappy and will want out if he continues like that.

You're handling this so well but that's a sad update to read. He doesn't place you front and centre of his life like he should in a situation like this so this won't improve.

OP, I would start a new thread in Relationships. This isn’t a situation that will have a quick fix, and it’s not your DH being deliberately difficult - as you’ve seen from your reading the FOG is real and he just hasn’t had that realisation yet. If you push too hard at ‘your parents are awful’ he’ll feel obliged to defend them. In the meantime you need to strengthen your boundaries and become OK with saying ‘No’ directly to MIL. Who cares if she hates you for doing so? Remain reasonable but firm. It’s stressful and you have a young baby so he kind to yourself and DP where you can.

PS the room decoration thing is absolutely bloody awful!

I am so sorry to read this OP, however it was a very good thing to find out EXACTLY what his thinking is.

1. He is in massive denial.

1. He has absolutely no intention of

standing up to his parents.

1. He would happily abandon you to their

nastiness knowing how you feel.

1. He is in complete denial about his

relationship and is quite happy to dump all issues of THEIR behaviour on YOU, because that's what works best for him.

1. Ye are not a team in any real sense of

the word.

I am so sorry that he feels like this but it is so much better to know.

In life knowledge is power.

He has told you HIS choices.

You can now reflect and make YOUR choices in YOUR own time.

You don't have to do anything or say anything, just reflect.

He has told you honestly about what life with him will be like.

Loyalty in a marriage is so fundamental.

That he is denying the issue and is suggesting YOU tackle his parents on your own tells me that he is a very weak, scared man.

I think you should reach out to family and good friends for support.

I think you should reflect on your future.

Would you actually want to have more children with him?

There are some great posters who will hopefully give you good advice.

But mine is reflect about the life you want and the type of marriage you want and the character of the man you want to spend your life with.

It is when you are faced with adversities as a couple that you really discover what sort of a marriage you have.

Keep posting.
We are here for you.

Could you both go to counselling initially? Are your parents normal and do you see them - maybe visit and subtly draw a contrast between their behaviour and PIL's? Watch a film with a narcissistic main character in it and go "ooh, that's just like your mum, DH!"

My in laws are a bit like yours, not as extreme. DP lives in perpetual fear of disappointing them, as they make their feelings very clear when they don't get exactly what they want. I didn't actually realise this until we had a baby because before they didnt really have any visible expectations of him/us. We had a lot of rows over this when DD was younger, he would tell me that he liked pleasing his parents and so by default expected me to smile politely and hand our baby over whenever requested, because making his parents made him happy and I wanted him to be happy didn't I? Eventually I got fed up of being sniped at and pushed out of my DDs life, and told DP that he might prioritise keeping his parents sweet but I didn't and I wasn't going to agree to anything that made me feel uncomfortable just so he could avoid disappointing them. I'm quite a straight up person and have no problem telling someone if they've upset me, so when I told DP that either he dealt with his parents poor behaviour or I would, he magically started managing it himself (basically the idea of me being as rude to his parents as they were to me was less palatable than standing up to them himself!). Since then his parents have done several things that have made him see how self absorbed they are and he's now on the same page as me about them eg. We don't have to make sure they're kept happy to the detriment of our own family.

I hope your DP will eventually see the damage his parents are doing to your relationship and be on your side- if he's anything like my DP hes probably desperate to stay out of it and not have to confront how vile his parents are. I think the only thing you can do for now is start standing up for yourself. Put a lot of distance between you and them, visit when DP does but dont see them alone, and if they are rude to you, pull them up on it and leave. Set yourself free of the feeling of obligation towards them, even if for now your DP won't.

Oh dear, he threw you right under that bus, didn't he?

All because he's too cowardly to be assertive to his parents.
So basically his 'solution' is to let you get verbally abused or ignored by his family, blame YOU for every time they are unhappy, and let them gang up on you?
He's telling you how it's going to be - listen to him. And plan accordingly.

I think you need to go big or go home here - he needs to see, for himself, that HIS behaviour in this scenario will damage your marriage. I would be asking him to pack a bag and go stay with MIL for some time to give you space to think about what he's just said. That you need to consider whether a 'marriage' where it's apparent that what would make them happiest is for you to hand over DD and disappear off the face of the earth gives you anything worth bothering about. He needs a good fucking fright (as do the rest of them) about what his inaction and making you the family scapegoat will result in.

And if it does settle down, don't contact them - ever. I'd block their numbers and let them go through DH for everything. They've made it clear that they only see you as a brood mare and not part of the family, so why facilitate that?

@MrsToadflax our relationship has been quite rocky the past few months. I feel like we're always arguing. It's either about the lack of sex (we've only had sex twice since giving birth 4 months ago), him not doing enough with the baby, or about his parents.

@Drinkingallthewine that's what it feels like, they (PILs) don't care about me whatsoever, they just want DD. I've been with DP for 10 years and right up until I became pregnant I never really spoke to them or saw them, neither did DP. I didn't know what they were like until I did become pregnant, and once we all knew I was having a girl that's when the overbearingness started. I tried to warn DP multiple times that I was worried about their actions once DD will be here but he thought I was being ridiculous. Yet my predictions have become reality.

I wouldn't mind going to counselling together, but I know he wouldn't want to do it. I had a pretty tough childhood myself but I am very close to my parents and all of my family. I can talk to them about literally anything, whereas it's the opposite for DP.

I know you said you were buying a house/had just bought a house, but is there any chance you can move to be nearer your parents?