To think once every 2 weeks is enough?

[naggy095]

Sorry it’s another PIL one…MIL does this passive aggressive thing of talking to 4mo DD in her baby voice about things that are directed towards me, e.g. “is your mummy anti-social? She is isn’t she!”. My favourite one so far “you’re much prettier than your mummy, aren’t you!”. 🙄

PILs have been going on since the day we got home from the hospital about looking after her overnight (no matter how many times I decline the requests keep coming), and the most recent comment to DD was “we can’t wait for you to sleep over, but you probably won’t know who we are because we don’t see you enough, do we”. We see PILs with DD at a minimum 1-2 times every 2 weeks, we spend a few hours with them each time. They see her more than anyone else on either side of the families.

AIBU to think at least once every 2 weeks is ‘enough’ for a grandchild to see their grandparents?

@Keelslambo

She shouldn’t be saying those things but why not let her sleep over? I’d bloody love it if my Mum or MIL offered to have my kids to sleep over. What I would give for a night off lol.

Because the baby is four months old and breastfed. It's not appropriate! Why would you let someone who clearly really dislikes you look after your baby anyway? I wouldn't.

@naggy095

So DP and I had our chat tonight. Summary of the conversation:

• he said he didn’t remember me saying to him about MIL’s comments but that if she says it in front of him he will say something to her
• he is happy for me to speak back to her if she does it again and he will back me up
• he agreed the comments are rude but it’s ‘just how she is’. I responded that that doesn’t make it ok, he said I know and again said he would back me up if she said anything again
• he claims that PIL have gone direct to him more than once asking to look after DD ‘to help us out’. And that each time DP has declined, yet they continue to ask
• he confirms that PIL see DD as their ‘daughter’ so is the reason for their pushiness
• he agrees it is weird that they are pushing for overnight stays but as mentioned above they will not stop asking
• he said they are the type that don’t listen no matter how many times you tell them something (I already know this) so they will keep asking to look after DD

They have asked to look after DD at least 10 times since she was born so in 4 months (not including the ones direct to DP behind my back) and each and every time I have declined but they do not listen. MIL actually had the cheek to ask why once… I just said because I said so and she responded ‘oh.’ and pulled a face. They even joked about looking after her and not giving her back.

Thank god I don’t have to see them this weekend anymore!

That might be 'just how she is' but if it isn't working for you he needs to sort it out.

Time for DH to set some real boundaries and see whether they care enough to respect them

he said they are the type that don’t listen no matter how many times you tell them something (I already know this) so they will keep asking to look after DD

This is the key to your problem here. Reasonable people change their behaviour after being told their behaviour is a problem for you. They understand that if they don't, you'll withdraw from the relationship, and they don't want that, so they accommodate your preferences.

Unreasonable people do not respond to being told and have to be shown through action, eg withdrawal from the relationship.

Once you have told someone that their behaviour is a problem for you more than a couple of times and nothing changes, you know you're dealing with someone unreasonable. Now the onus is on you to show them that you're serious about your boundaries.

In regard to asking about having DD overnight, you haven't given them a clear boundary yet. Maybe a good one would be: "I know you're keen to have her to stay but we're not comfortable with that until she is weaned overnight, which we're not expecting to do until she's 1 (or whenever you genuinely think you'll be prepared to consider it). When we're ready for overnights, we'll come to you to arrange one, but we don't like being pressured, so please stop asking."

If they can't accept that, draw a harder boundary. "Kathy, I've told you when we'll be ready to consider it, and asked you to stop pressuring me. Continuing to pressure me makes me feel as though you don't respect my wishes, and makes me less comfortable with the thought of overnight stays. If you keep asking, the date at which we're prepared to consider an overnight will keep shifting back."

If she asks again. "We've discussed this, the earliest date at which I'm prepared to consider an overnight is now 13 months." If she asks again: "I told you the date would continue to move back the more you pressure me. Now it's 14 months." At some point your MIL is going to realise that the only way to get what she wants is to respect what you ALSO want.

I think you see them more than enough if this is the way they carry on. That sort of behaviour is underhand and dishonest. It is not a joke and it is obviously not intended as a joke, and your partner should not treat it as such.

As it appears he will not say anything to them, perhaps you should call them out on it and say "Please direct any comments you have to me, as [my baby] can't understand or reply to them."

Holy shit.
Id let them see her even less with that kinda bad mouthing
Fuck them
Next time you are supposed to go over to their place, make a last minute plan with friend. Or just don't go.
A FEW HOURS... WAY TOO LONG to spend with these awful people.

Also make it VERY clear to them that dd is NOT their dd. It's their granddaughter.
Next time just be blunt and rude. And tell your dh that " that is just the way I am" (like how he justified his mums comments)

hes not really helping is he jsut syaing no you cant have her overnight and saying they dont listen

you need him to say enough is enough now and if you carry on you wnt see us

he confirms that PIL see DD as their ‘daughter’ so is the reason for their pushiness

Red alert!!!

Same with my Family-in-law. Thank goodness your DH could see that at least and is not joining in. Even if he’s not stopping it. Sounds like it’s basically on you. Your DH will just go along with what’s easiest. So make it difficult for PIL. Cut down on visits. Once a month. Only way to get them to back off

They will kick off to your DH. Tell him firmly you expect him on your side and if they keep complaining they will be even less welcome. Be prepared to be the bad guy. But have a more stress free parenting life. They are already treating you like tbe bad guy so whatever you do won’t really change that - so be more selfish!

Family in law do not have automatic rights to a grandchild’s life - not if they abuse it. They’ve lost their privilege. Let them work to regain it - or just stay out of the way.

Just in response to posters saying that the child is not a mothers possession. Or that the child is ‘everyone’s’ in the family.

That’s just not true. The mother and father are the primary carers. It really is up to them. That’s not to say some parents don’t get on with their PIL - and sometimes it is unfair to the PIL who haven’t done anything wrong.

However it is clear that the PIL are trying to over step continually. They are actively interfering with the mum and child’s relationship. No one gets to do that. No one has that right esp not using a child as the excuse to bully others. Which is what they are doing.

Tell DP to inform HIS DPs that they need to moderate what they say about you, even to your infant, or she really won't know who they are!

Even if you were a ‘wimp’ before dd was born you need to be assertive now for your child’s sake as well as your own.

i wouldnt want to see such people again. they are bad in the core.
and wouldnt ever leave my child with them alone.

@CheekyHobson Why should op have to name a time when she’ll be ready for an overnight stay. They are obviously people who will hold her to any ‘promises’ she makes now.
Another thing: maybe they’re anti-breastfeeding and this is a way to undermine that. My PILs used to make little comments to undermine my breastfeeding. Some people are really resentful of it. In my case it just made me more determined to continue, but it really p’ed me off.

@CatsnCoffee

So, obviously the OP doesn't have to do anything she doesn't want to, but providing some kind of ballpark timeframe for when she might be prepared to start discussing overnight stays (which is not the same thing as saying she's prepared to hand over the baby on that date) solves the OP's short-term problem (being pestered) while giving the MIL some kind of certainty that she's not going to be ignored or pushed out of a relationship with her grandchild (this anxiety is what's likely to be driving her controlling behaviour).

The MIL would like to have her grandchild to stay overnight, which in itself is not an unreasonable desire – what's unreasonable is how pushy she's being about it. The OP could tell her "I'm not ready and I don't know when I'll be ready so stop asking me about it" but this effectively invalidates the MIL's fairly normal hope to have her grandchild to stay and is likely to increase her resentment towards the OP and lead her to deploy other passive-aggressive tactics, which will only mean more relationship issues. Developing a good relationship means the engagement of both people. If either person is completely refusing to engage with the other person's desires, it creates difficulties.

The OP doesn't want to go nuclear and cut off the MIL (despite her annoying behaviours), so finding a middle road gives both sides some certainty and decreases conflict. She would be telling the MIL when she'll be ready to talk about it, not giving her a date when she's going to hand the baby over.

@shouldistop

Next time she says something rude I'd just say "MIL id prefer it if you stop pretending you're talking to the baby in order to be rude to me"

This.

I’m quite angry that your oh knows all of this and doesn’t speak up to protect his family.
He should go round there and calmly speak to them, they need to know the seriousness of their behaviour and it needs to stop, or they can’t have contact with any of you anymore. It’s quite simple.

Why would you want your child to have a relationship with people that cannot respect the boundary’s of others? They won’t respect your dds boundary’s either.

@WaterBottle123

If MIL spoke to me like that the number of times she saw my kids would be zero. In accepting that behaviour you're showing DD that bullying is ok.

Tell your partner no more visits until MIL learns to behave like a civilised human being

Agree with this completely. I wouldn’t be putting up with these dipshits or having them around my child until this behaviour stopped.

Twice a year would be plenty with those people.

Agree, time to push back

Your DP doesn't sound too supportive tbh. "That's just the way she is" is standard speak when someone is brushing off your concerns. Why will he only speak to her if he witnesses it? Does he not believe you? He will probably never witness it, that's the whole point. What does "he will back you up" mean? It probably means he will say oh I know but that's just the way she is.

So glad you have had a good chat to your DP and you are on the same page. Excellent advice from CheekyHobson, definitely going to use some myself.
Masses of luck OP I hope things improve with the PIL’s.
Hope you DD is recovering from her Colic and you get more sleep!

@CheekyHobson

1. Your assumption that MIL is being driven by fear of being pushed out of the relationship isn’t confirmed by anything in OP. 2.If that is MIL’s fear her behaviour towards her DIL is inappropriate. 3.Expecting even a ballpark timeframe for having baby overnight is not a reasonable expectation. It’s insensitive to the needs and rights of a new Mum who should be allowed the time and space to bond with her baby and adjust to the huge changes in her life. She and her little one (and her DH) take priority at this time. 4.OP shouldn’t have some date looming over her when demands will be made that she agree a timescale for overnight stay. 5.It is perfectly reasonable to decide not to hand over DD for an overnighter to anyone ever. Certainly, not to anyone who behaves in this bullying manner.

1. We don’t overcome bullies by giving in to them. The way to stop this behaviour is to be firm and assertive.

Try and discreetly video her doing the baby voice insult thing! 🤣

This exactly and then show your Dh , good luck OP.

Nah. Stick it on Facebook, Twitter and YouTube and hope it goes viral.

It's another red flag that your DP said that his parents don't take no for an answer. I wouldn't want my DC around people who don't take no for an answer.

I think you need to cut the visits right back. If there is any bad behaviour, end the visit immediately. No more putting up with it. Once every 2 weeks is way too much when your PIL are awful.

He is speaking out of both sides of his mouth a bit.

Acknowledgement of some things but acceptance of her just being that way.

You are reasonable OP but too passive.

His parents will continue to bully you.

I think taping further interactions could be very helpful but ultimately dramatically reducing contact will be most productive.

He has agreed that they can't be spoken to and just won't listen.

That is an acceptance of their behaviour.

He will back you up but NOT stand up to them, or stand up for you.

There is a difference.

The best thing you can do is start with this weekend and practice saying No.

No to visits.
No to them calling over.

Agree with @shouldistop, a perfect response to her using the baby to be rude to you.

Imagine what she will be saying to your toddler!

Firm boundaries now.

Best of luck.

I would certainly be saying to MIL that they will be getting no unsupervised access (let alone overnights) until they start to treat dd's parents with respect. Why would you willingly put your child in a position where she is being taught to disrespect you at such an early age. That is so damaging to the kid.

Glad you don't have to go at the weekend. I'd make sure you have other plans and are perhaps out so that PIL don't try to collect dd anyway - "so shebsees her family"

You say you have DH onside. In reality it comes across as he is probably saying what he thinks both sides want to hear. You need to ensure that he knows that upsetting you will make his life far more difficult than upsetting his mother.