Is this worth it?

[dubaidancer]

I am a high earner. My salary is £200k per annum. I have a 10 month old and I desperately miss him and feel like I'm missing out. I work 5 days a week, following hours, about 40 days holiday per year.

Sunday 10-6
Monday 9-5
Tuesday 1-8
Wednesday 9-7
Thursday 1-8

Is this worth it? I don't know what to do. Feel really upset at the moment. 😢

No, I don’t think it’s worth it. You don’t get this time back and you’re missing out on it.

I would not give that sort of money up OP.

I think you feel like this as you have only gone back to work a few months ago? Lots of mums feel like this.

Long term do you want more kids? Do you want to invest 200k is a fabulous wage and you would be crazy to give it up. Good luck and think long term.

@rookiemere

Children need looking after for 16 years though not just when they're young.

That amount of money is life changing even you can save half of it for a year then that's a sizeable chunk of your mortgage.
That's a wonderful gift of financial stability for your DC.

Exactly if OP was earning £25-30k it would be a different scenario.

Really!

I think that's exceptional money for those hours. You will find that when he goes to school, you'll have the time to take him in 2 or 3 days a week, which is great.
The separation anxiety will soon pass, and just think what lifestyle that money will buy. Parents who work full-time can still be really very good parents.

Only you can say if it’s worth it OP. I gave up £100k/yr to do the housewife thing so I could have every moment with DC for early years. It’s a very personal decision. Looking back DC’s first 3 yrs were the best of my life and I loved every moment, but it destroyed my career and I have limited options now / bored out of mind / resent having no financial independence.

So very personal. Good luck xx

Bloody hell what will become of my 8 month old when I go back to work shortly!? I work days/nights/weekends for a fraction of your salary! He’ll be fine ffs he’s going to nursery not being sent to the outer Hebrides!

Can’t help but think this is a stealth brag post!

Right 😂😂

@dubaidancer

And yes, I have the mornings with him some days.

I guess it's just such a change from what I was doing before, it seems like crazy hours. There's no option of a sabbatical. It's all or nothing.

Sorry all or nothing?

That is a HUGE salary for a basic working week

I do more hours a week for a 7th of that salary that is then taxed with no other partner bringing in a way

I had two kids who just accepted it and learnt that everything we had if worked to get and now have a great work ethic

Without meaning to be nasty you really are complaining when you should be rejoicing at earning so much for so few hours

Seriously think you’re being a bit melodramatic.

That is exceptionally decent hours and holiday days for the money. Most people working that many hours are often working 70 plus hours per week.

When they are tiny as long as they are cared for it’s really ok - there is a lot of time you are seeing him. I’d stick at it it sounds like a great career opportunity.

Your baby will be fine. You're not talking crazy days and long hours. My DD was in nursery 5 day a week from 7.30-6 from 10 months. She's grown up now and we are incredibly close.

I am a high earner with DC too. I struggle with my decision to keep working pretty much every day. I am riding it out on the basis that if I take a career break (a) we couldn't afford it and (b) it will be hard to get back into my career again in a few years' time. I don't think that would apply to a governess role so much? If you can afford it I'd look for a part time role or a job share, assuming one exists.

So many parents work full time and yet manage to have very secure attachments with their children. You’re misinterpreting the theory to apply it like that.

Only you can make the decision, but I think you’d be insane to walk away from this job. Especially as it sounds like you haven’t even tried it yet? You might love the job.

I can identify with you as I’ve been in a similar position but longer working hours and regular international travel. I felt a lot of guilt when they were younger but that has definitely eased as they’ve got older (late primary/early secondary school. The advantages are the really equal parenting in our relationship as my husband has done a lot more than many of my friends husbands and having the funds to do lots of amazing holidays. I’ve invested in great childcare and my children have lovely ongoing relationships with our former nannies and are independent and confident souls. I also outsourced all the domestic work I could do my free time was quality time with children. It’s not easy in the early days but you have to weigh up the positives and negatives and decide what’s right for the longterm, trying to take the emotion out of it.

You can always get more money but you’ll never get more time.

The days drag but the years fly.

I say this as an Ofsted registered UK based nanny who quit when pregnant. I honestly have no judgement, I was very, very ill throughout my pregnancy and had no choice so tell myself these two sayings daily.

Wishing you well in your decision.

There's a lot of replies on this thread so I've just read the first page plus your updates. Apologies if that means I'm about to repeat other posters!

I think everyone struggles when they first go back to work after having a baby. If you'd gone back to your old 20 hour a week job you'd struggle too. This isn't specific to this particular job. You absolutely don't have to stick it out if you don't want to, but I found everything was so much easier after a month or two of settling in. And while there was a settling in period for my child at nursery, she adapted way better and faster than I did!

With your concerns about childcare under the age of two being damaging, I think you're misinterpreting (or reading sources that have misinterpreted). Everything I've read suggests that there is no developmental benefit to childcare and socialisation under the age of 2 for children. But that's absolutely not the same thing as it being harmful for them. My child has absolutely thrived in a wonderful childcare setting that she started at 11 months. On your salary, I imagine you have access to range of amazing nurseries and childcare options so worst case scenario if your little one doesn't settle in the first one then you can change. My little one had the usual settliny in dramas but absolutely adores nursery now!

Your hours also seem to be a great balance for a 40 hour week to me. Would it help to try reframing how you think about, into a more positive mindset? My thoughts on your hours are:

• by working a Sunday, and your husband working Monday - Friday, bubs is only in childcare 4 days a week and has a day with daddy which is great for their bonding. You can happily go to work knowing they'll have a great day together.
• two of the four remaining days are 1pm starts (12 if we factor in the commute) so you've got the full morning with bubs to enjoy before going to work, which is then offset by dad doing bedtime.
• you actually only have one "long" day where you get to neither spend the morning together nor do bedtime.
• splitting bedtime with dad is a good thing and means you can both share the load rather than being dependent on you being there
• you have the income to outsource everything you don't want to do (cooking, cleaning, laundry etc) to give you more downtime
• you have the income to spend on amazing days out and memories.

The choice is always up to you, but I would be cautious about making a snap decision before giving the new job a chance. It also sounds like you're committed for a year anyway so that gives you time to try it out to see the positives

This is such a weird braggy post.

Agree. Weird braggy post. Wrong audience.

Well, OP, no one can choose except you. Please don't feel too guilty - you have a real opportunity and really your hours are not that long.

As I understand it, he gets two full days with you and one day with dad? Plus two further mornings with you. That is amazing! Lots of parents consider that their best negotiated position.

Main thing: is your DS happy in the childcare setting that you have? Can you reduce your husband's hours so he leaves at lunch on the days you start at 1pm, then that is only two full days? Sounds as if he can resign and be free from June when your DS is 1.5 and have the summer with him, then you could job share - amazing!!

The OP has indicated that she needs to work regardless - albeit she could afford to work part time. So the posters saying you can’t get the time back and it’s not worth it, really are irrelevant because the OP will need to go out to work regardless.

OP - I think the hours are fab for the salary.

Being with your baby two full days plus those extra mornings is lovely quality time. You can do far more on those mornings that you can at bedtime. We attach a lot of importance to bedtime - but if he has his dad three nights that is fine. His attachment to his dad is just as important to his attachment to you. My DH and I have always shared bedtimes - switched around.

I would commit to doing it for 12 months and save hard. Live as though you have a part time job and save the rest. Banking 100k now will be amazing for you in the future as a family.

I have to work as we can’t afford for me not to. The early days are hard. But you get into a rhythm and it soon becomes the norm.

I have absolutely NO concerns in relation to my DC’s attachments to either myself or my husband.

Also, attachment is always used as a stick to beat mums with. Never dads. Despite the fact that there is far more evidence about what happens, on average, if your dad is totally absent from your life (obviously abuse, DV etc means some dads should be absent) than if your mum works.

Attachment theory stuff is sometimes wildly unscientific. Of course, at the extreme end it is very well evidenced in terms of trauma etc. But in terms of the impact of you working? Not so much, frankly. Humans have always lived in communities, where children are often looked after and socialised communally, not just the mum all the time (which is unnatural and why mums who are at home will go to great lengths to find other children and playgroups etc for their kids to participate in). The most important thing is to love and spend time with your child, which you and husband are doing, and to ensure that they feel secure and safe in the childcare environment when you cannot be there.

How the hell do people get jobs like this?

This week I’m working

Mon 9-5
Tues 9-23.30
Weds 9-5 or 23.30 depending on whether someone else can do tonight.
Thurs off unless that same someone else is still sick
Fri 9-22.00
Sat 10am - 2am
Sun 10-5.

I earn a tenner an hour.

I have three children. We make it work.

Also I don’t know what the cost of living is in Dubai but if you could live off say £50k for a year or two then save the rest and you’ve bought yourself a house back in the UK.

Then you have the rest of your baby’s life to SAHM or work part time.

You can always get more money but you’ll never get more time.

What, more than 200k pa?!