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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this worth it?

202 replies

dubaidancer · 10/10/2021 20:49

I am a high earner. My salary is £200k per annum. I have a 10 month old and I desperately miss him and feel like I'm missing out. I work 5 days a week, following hours, about 40 days holiday per year.

Sunday 10-6
Monday 9-5
Tuesday 1-8
Wednesday 9-7
Thursday 1-8

Is this worth it? I don't know what to do. Feel really upset at the moment. 😢

OP posts:
OnwardsAndSideways1 · 10/10/2021 22:33

I mean if you do three years you have over £500k and could buy a house outright, I would be looking at that timescale.

Teaching is relentless and not that well paid in the early stages, so many people want to leave it after a few years, so I would bear that in mind.

Starseeking · 10/10/2021 22:36

Do it for 3 years maximum, and aim to save at least £400k across that time, given its tax-free. Live mostly on your DH salary, use yours only for additional essentials that his doesn't cover. Then be a stay at home mum for the next 12 years, then go back to normal teaching after that. You won't regret stacking the cash when you can, and the financial cushion will give your family a lot of choice.

Cakeofdoom · 10/10/2021 22:52

You have an incredible opportunity to set your family up for life if you manage 3-5 years. Your baby will not be disadvantaged in any way, and you will have the luxury of financial independence and choice. A very enviable position.

HouseOfRunners · 10/10/2021 23:10

The cost of living is incredibly high but you can save a lot. It’s an odd place to live and it’s certainly not a country that caters for working mothers. I found it very hard to juggle and job and childcare when we were there.

HouseOfRunners · 10/10/2021 23:10

*juggle a job

Method · 10/10/2021 23:15

Ok, I'll bite. You have 2 days off and 2 mornings off a week, it's pretty good in terms of being there for your little one. I'd love to know what kind of job pays this much with such specifically set hours Hmm

mytrueaccount · 10/10/2021 23:21

Yes, it's worth it. You need a life, and not just for the money. It's been my observation that children of working mothers are every bit as happy and secure as those of SAHMs like myself, if not more so frankly. It's also been my observation that having a second, let alone third, child takes more of your attention and time away from your child than the most full-on career. What's more, you need to set an example for your son, and his future wife, of what real life means -- having both a career and a family.

I see you've changed jobs recently, which makes this harder. But maybe wait a while and then try negotiating with your employer to work a bit more from home or whatever. Because frankly, if women with the power to win £200K jobs don't start to push, women with £20K jobs will never stand a chance. I dropped the ball, frankly, partly to be fair for reasons outside my own control -- infertility, a disabled child, a husband with an even busier career and not enough interest in my career. It was nice for the first few years, but it's grown very very old and very dull. And is a terrible waste, not only of my abilities, but of the fact that, again, if those of us who have bigger jobs don't push back against this endless presenteeism, who the heck will?

FWIW, my observation is that the main person who feels exhausted and inadequate in these early years is the mother. The mother suffers, not the child. If you can hang in there, in a few more years everyone around you will be full of respect for your seniority, and you will likely be glad you held on, and you might even have built up enough power to change the world.

Polecat03 · 10/10/2021 23:22

@Method

Ok, I'll bite. You have 2 days off and 2 mornings off a week, it's pretty good in terms of being there for your little one. I'd love to know what kind of job pays this much with such specifically set hours Hmm
OP has answered that, read the thread?
user1471604848 · 10/10/2021 23:25

Could you push back bedtime, so you see them on the days you work late?

In general, you have a good deal. You earn a huge tax-free salary, and have 8 weeks holidays a year, so you only work just over 10 months a year.

I understand the guilt though. Im in a corporate role, and earn more than you. But my employers own me and my free time. I've toddler twins. I pushed bedtime to 8pm, so I generally take an hour off work from 7-8pm for bath and bed routine, and then back on calls with the US from 8pm. Im hoping in a couple of years I can work more normal hours.

Holskey · 10/10/2021 23:47

I get it, OP. My DP earns similar but work dictates much of his life. You know you're missing out but you're trapped by the money. Of course, it's not something you'd complain to a struggling, working mother about, but it is still a problem. You have a choice but neither is perfect and you agonise over which choice is best.

INeedNewShoes · 11/10/2021 01:07

OP, how sure are you that your employer won't suddenly demand more than those scheduled hours once you've started the job?

In terms of your worries of damaging your baby, I know of plenty of healthy happy children who are/were in nursery full time hours. If you have lined up good, nurturing, caring childcare for your DC I would let go of that particular worry.

If you can completely cope without the money I'd pass up on this job and look again in a couple of months for a part time job.

CookieDoughKid · 11/10/2021 01:13

Yes it’s worth it. I’m on similar and still have my career whilst mine are halfw

CookieDoughKid · 11/10/2021 01:15

Halfway through secondary school. I’m finding teenage years much tougher to cope with than when they were small and want to take time off now that I’m 15 years older.

Balonzette · 11/10/2021 01:25

Your hours look normal, and your salary above normal. You're working the same amount of time as other people but earning a lot more than a lot of people. You still have two free days a week. Everyone misses their baby when they work full time, regardless of their earnings. It's a decision all mums need to make. But honestly your child will be fine and you will be able to give them a good life with this salary. Id stick at it personally but it's your own choice.

1forAll74 · 11/10/2021 01:43

In my view it's not good to see so little of your child. I would truly not like this at all. It depends on your priorities in life at the moment, as in earning big and used to good money, or having more child and family time.

Dreamstate · 11/10/2021 01:49

What! Your crazy! I thought you would be amazing your working 5am to 9pm every night but your not. You get a couple of mornings off and have 40 days holidays!

I'll swap jobs with you. You can have my 9-5 job and 30 days holidays

Newmum29 · 11/10/2021 01:52

Those hours are not exceptional. Childcare 2 days a week won’t cover them though, who’s looking after LO while you’re away?

That salary is exceptional though. I’d bank the money and think of the opps you’ll be giving your LO. I went back to work at 6 months because I had a similar offer and wasn’t willing to turn it down.

I’d planned to have a year off so it is hard. But life is about sacrifices. What does your partner think?

Fangdango · 11/10/2021 01:58

When you say he starts childcare - can you not get a nanny? So you control timings, and start him sleeping later? Maybe bring him on outings the two mornings you're free and meet nanny by your workplace?

He must be with your husband Sundays and Wednesday evenings, and with you two mornings out of the four weekdays you work, so you're talking about two full days' and two afternoons' childcare. Is that so bad?

ajja2021 · 11/10/2021 02:04

Wish I had your predicament Confused

worriedatthemoment · 11/10/2021 02:24

Sounds worth it for that salary

TheTeenageYears · 11/10/2021 02:34

Having lived in the ME I understand there's a bit more to this than just earning a huge amount of money for seemingly few hours (at least compared to my husband who has what one might term a 'big job' but with the hours and pressure that usually brings). It is an awful lot of money but you are effectively owned for that and at the families beck and call. The job could disappear as quickly as it arrived so I wouldn't personally make too many changes to your current lifestyle which couldn't very quickly be reversed just in case.

Compared to many parents who work you will at the moment still get a good amount of time with your child. Once they are of an age when they would generally go to pre school/school you wouldn't have the mornings with them so that is a current benefit- anytime you are not at work you can spend with them. You get a huge amount of holiday and whilst you may not be able to pick when that is it's all time you can currently spend with your child, again something which changes when pre/school/school age. If your husband is a teacher and keeps regular hours he can be the parent on the evening shift for consistency for your child - great for your child to have at least one parent fulfilling this role, that's not always possible. He will also get a huge amount of time off as a teacher so again can be the default parent. When you sit down and work it out across a year your child can still spend the vast majority of time with one or both of you which is very definitely not the norm these days, particularly when both parents work.

I would say it's more practical to do this now than at any time in the future and if you can hang on to the gig for 3 years and save the money you will set yourselves up for a comfortable future which will have huge benefits for your child. Personally, knowing how things go in the ME I wouldn't split this job with your husband even if it's possible. You would both be reliant on one family for your livelihood and also I suspect your ability to work in Dubai. Jobs come and they go very easily in that part of the world and finding out you no longer have health insurance at a days notice is not fun - been there, done that.

Childcare you are happy with is a huge part in all this. To be able to take advantage of the time you have off it needs to be less formal and what you really could do with is a proper nanny. I don't know how you feel about the helper culture but I wouldn't be mad keen on leaving my child in the care of what passes for a nanny in 'helper' culture counties. On your salary it would be worth finding someone properly qualified but more along the UK/EU/US expat lines either already in Dubai or not - you would have to ensure that you are only as liable for them in terms of notice as you have yourself in your role.

Ultimately like most things in life it's a trade of and only you can decide what's best in your situation.

Saoirse82 · 11/10/2021 02:36

Personally for me it wouldn't be worth it. But I'm also aware that many people genuinely don't have the option of less hours. I think nobody can tell you whether it's worth it to you, you need to weigh it up. I think there's always an element of guilt when you're a mother no matter what you decide to do.

grapewine · 11/10/2021 02:42

@DuesToTheDirt

So that's an average of about 8 hrs a day, 5 days a week. Pretty standard then. And you get 200k for this. What is your problem again? Confused
With a pretty standard commute as well.
Happyhappyday · 11/10/2021 02:49

I would never leave a job like that. You get lots of morning time with your kiddo which is frankly way more fun than bedtime. But I like working and knew staying home would 100% be wrong for me.

Don’t leave because of some idea of “damaging” your son. Kids do great in high quality childcare. With your staggered hours I bet your kiddo isn’t even in care that many hours.

For what it’s worth, DH and I both had nannies, full time working parents and have great relationships with our families. Our parents put is first when they weren’t working which feels most important.

grapewine · 11/10/2021 02:54

200k taxfree with 40 days holiday? I wouldn't need to love the job, as long as I didn't absolutely hate it.

Think of the saving potential and setting up your family for the future.