Is this worth it?

[dubaidancer]

I am a high earner. My salary is £200k per annum. I have a 10 month old and I desperately miss him and feel like I'm missing out. I work 5 days a week, following hours, about 40 days holiday per year.

Sunday 10-6
Monday 9-5
Tuesday 1-8
Wednesday 9-7
Thursday 1-8

Is this worth it? I don't know what to do. Feel really upset at the moment. 😢

OP, you feel like this is time you'll never get back and there are various posters on here agreeing with you. But I think that's completely irrelevant, not least because actually, at that age, the stuff they're doing is so basic and repetitive, and it's the same for every child.

I was with DS pretty much 100% of the time for the first 8 months and then again from 1-2 years old. Honestly.... I barely remember it. The days just blend into each other. I remember far more from when he started getting older and choosing his own activities or we could go on adventures. Some of my favourite memories of DD is when I was able to take her to her sports group when she was about 3 - the things she said, the concentration as she tried to nail a skill.... those are memories I'll never forget.

And importantly, THEY don't remember this phase. So as long as you have really really good childcare that will nurture your child and as long as you are totally present when you are around (and your hours aren't onerous so there's plenty of time for you to spend with your DD). And if you can benefit from weekends off and plenty of holidays, this is a good time to be away.

DS and DD didn't care that I was working when they were young. Now that they're older, they do.

@dubaidancer

And yes, I have the mornings with him some days.

I guess it's just such a change from what I was doing before, it seems like crazy hours. There's no option of a sabbatical. It's all or nothing.

Are you for real?

You know there are single mothers out there working 50 hour weeks on minimum wage, who are going into debt to afford basics like childcare & food, right?

You get 2 days 'weekend', 40 days hols, & work a 43 hour week for an extraordinary salary.

I'm sorry you miss your young child, but so does nearly everybody.
Do you have substantial savings from your job, so you could change job/career, maybe go part time? Could you cope with earning £12k + a year?

Can you cut down your hours? Surely you’d still be making more than enough.

NB: this is 10 times my salary so part of my wants to suggest saving up for one year and then taking 10 years to raise your child but I’m guessing this isn’t going to fit with your lifestyle!

I really don't think a £200k job is one where you put in a part time working request.

For the money, I think those hours are very reasonable, especially if your othre half is doing 9-5 and can be there on the evenings you work a bit later.

Whether it's "worth it" is really only something you can say. Does it have to be all or nothing?

stick with it - if your child is loved and cared for they will be fine. As ppl have said, they will need you more when they are a bit older - by which time you should have saved a nice nest egg.

lots of us used childcare and our children are fine, yes its hard, but harder for you than for him ATM.

Keep the job. When you get back to the UK you can be a SAHM as you will have loads and loads of money. Then you can be with your child every minute its not at school -- or why not home-school?

It's definitely not worth it if you feel you are missing out on time with your child. They grow up so quickly, you will regret not cutting bacon your hours. No-one ever died saying "I wish I'd spent more time at work" (quote from someone but can't remember who)

ChargingBuck the OP gets weekends off, she is in Dubai.

Children need looking after for 16 years though not just when they're young.

That amount of money is life changing even you can save half of it for a year then that's a sizeable chunk of your mortgage.
That's a wonderful gift of financial stability for your DC.

Children need looking after for 16 years though not just when they're young.

This is key; I think. I’d give my right arm for the opportunity to save that much money over 5 years, say. Then that’s a house owned outright and a decent chunk for pension and investments, then do very very little for the rest of your life, just hobby money/part-time work that interests you.

You have choices most of us don’t. You can also choose to walk away from this job and spend more time with your child. Most of us don’t have that choice. But two mornings and two days a week sounds like a good balance to me. And missing 3 bedtimes isn’t unusual – don’t you split those with your DH anyway? If you don’t now, there’ll come a time when splitting bedtimes is absolutely on the agenda.

Nope
It’s not worth it

Me and my husband have this conversation often.

You can get money. But you can me get get time

I always say. If you died tomorrow. Then would you feel fulfilled?!? My husband said no. So he changed jobs. He’s still got a big earning job. But less pressure.

As someone said

You’d never lay on your deathbed and say

Wish I’d spent more time at work! Not with my kids.

Yeah but one year now saving half tax free means 5 years where you won't have to do a similar job back in the UK for one tenth of the salary.
I'd understand it if the job had ridiculous hours or you had to move away from your family, but neither of those things are the case.

Yes. I get it. That's interesting about them needing you more when they're older. I thought the first few years were key to forming a secure attachment and feeling secure in themselves. Which my baby is. I just don't want the opposite to happen and he becomes anxious because he realises I'm not there.

I thought the first few years were key to forming a secure attachment and feeling secure in themselves. Which my baby is. I just don't want the opposite to happen and he becomes anxious because he realises I'm not there.
Of course there will be times small babies and toddlers want their parents instead of to be in childcare – generally at drop-off then five minutes later they don’t care. The point of a secure attachment is that they’re OK with you not being there. And you don’t form that security by gluing yourself to your baby’s side – even if you’re a SAHP you have to leave them to have a wee, or they go to sleep and you go about your evening, or whatever. And for working parents (and all parents) the security is formed by how you are when you’re with them, not by how much you’re with them.

Millions of parents put their children in childcare for longer hours than your job and commute entail. Yes, there’s an element of guilt and struggle for many of us. But maybe more so for you, which suggests either working full time is the wrong decision for you, or that you might be struggling in other ways with the anxiety around parenthood, for instance.

For what it’s worth my DD did 8.30 to 5.30 from age one, and it was too much for her (from a tiredness point of view, not an attachment one) and for me (from a missing her POV), so I went down to 4 days and juggled some things to shorten her days. But the pay-off of that is less money coming in and a less senior role for now, which will have impact later on. Once you have kids it’s ALL a balancing act and you choose your priorities. But childcare never affected her security or attachment, and nursery was never an issue in terms of missing me: she has and had too much fun for that!

They don't necessarily need you more when they're older, it's just that childcare is a lot harder to juggle once they're at school and they then start to get old enough to express preferences not to go after school club or holiday club.

You talked about your DH becoming involved in your job and splitting it between you. It's maybe too soon to propose that, but if he's earning significantly less than you would you feel better if he was the one to stop working and then your DC would be with one of his DPs when you're working?

I don't think it's worth it. I was fully intending to go back to work full time though and I just couldn't bear the idea of leaving my baby so didn't. I wasn't earning as much as you though so didn't have the same motivation.

@Method

Ok, I'll bite. You have 2 days off and 2 mornings off a week, it's pretty good in terms of being there for your little one. I'd love to know what kind of job pays this much with such specifically set hours

Maybe try actually reading the thread or even just the OP's posts. You would have the answers to what job she does

@sst1234

OP, how do you earn this salary but haven’t developed the emotional intelligence and time management skills needed. Very odd.

You are very rude

@dubaidancer

Yes. I get it. That's interesting about them needing you more when they're older. I thought the first few years were key to forming a secure attachment and feeling secure in themselves. Which my baby is. I just don't want the opposite to happen and he becomes anxious because he realises I'm not there.

I think it's more about the practical need for you to be there to support them/listen to them etc when they're older.

Having said that, I'd completely agree that being present and giving them security when they're babies is v v important, but you're not talking about palming her off on casual childcare for 60+ hours a week. If anything, she's getting the best of both worlds: plenty of time with both of her parents both during the week and on weekends AND opportunities to explore and experience other things/other people and gain in independence, socialisation etc. I assume that at your salary you're not getting some flighty 16 year old babysitter, but professional childcare setting with trained carers, educational and social activities and so on?

Could your DH work less so he could have your ds more of the time? What is the nursery like - you want somewhere with enthusiastic, amazing staff that really bond with the kids and a key worker that knows your lo well. You're obviously earning a lot but does your situation allow you to save a huge amount? Or are your outgoings really high too and you'd do just as well in the UK in a normal job? If you can save large amounts of money I'd stick it out and then look to have more time with your ds when he is older and you're in a really good position financially.

I’d stay for at least the first year’s contract. Earning 16k a month tax free is a life changing (for you and/ or your DC) amount. Think of the opportunities and education you’d be able to provide for him and the help you can pay for so you make every minute you aren’t working count.

My mum stayed at home with us and worked for a few hours in the evenings after my dad got home. My auntie went to work FT and my mum looked after my cousins after school until she was finished. We adore our mums equally and I can't see any difference in our relationships or future success despite the difference in time with our mums. In both cases our mums were happy with their decision and I think that's what had the biggest impact on how their decisions affected us.